How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

You've also got massive national parks and outdoor education centres. So, if he's open to thinking beyond football he could do mountaineering skills courses. There are some fantastic winter skills courses where you bivouac in a snow cave that you chisel out yourself. By which I mean, that would be fantastic for someone who is not me.

Glenmore lodge is only an hour away from the Barracks...www.glenmorelodge.org.uk/qualify/

Would that be a good option for a young man who wants to go into the military?

@Toanewstart23

Well I suppose if your benchmark is Afghanistan…

What's your problem exactly. You've been nothing but rude and unhelpful to OP. We get it, you clearly have something against the Armed Forces but give it a rest.

OP, your sons course aside, you'll be living in a beautiful part of the country.
I can't understand those in here who are talking about it as if you'll be living in some kind of third world country.
We were up visiting friends in Lossie recently and there's plenty to be getting on with up there.

I hope everything works out for you all. And good luck, I know how hard returning from an overseas posting is.

If you can afford boarding school, I'd seriously consider Strathallen School. Boarding or day, and it follows the English curriculum.

I apologise OP, reading back it was insensitive to say 'coo'.

I was just trying to be to the point.

The long version is that theres 4 people; one baby who wont remember any of this so unlikely to be affected, 2 adults who will remember but who are adults, with control over the situation and made a choice about going into this scenario of moving about; and one 16yo child who will equally remember all of this but who has absolutely no control and has made no choice to partake.

Splitting the family is dramatic and absolutely shitty solution; but the person who is most detrimentally impacted is the person who chose this career path.

Moving the whole family to rural scotland is only detrimentally impacting the person who has absolutely no control or autonomy.

I am sorry it was a crass insensitive off the cuff comment, but I still think you should put your DS first.

It’s not specifically Inverness High school I'm talking about. But the college there isn't good either, has been in the papers before for quite bad failings. That was more my point that I made on a previous post, education is not a priority to that council sadly.

I never said it was the school you were referring to, I was pointing out the 7th lowest ranked school is Inverness High, which is a world away from Forres, and more so from the highest ranked at nr 37 so to claim “education is bad” in one of the geographically largest areas in the Country, is misleading.

Moray is a tad better, but I would worry for how long.

Again, “a tad” is misleading. Forres is about average for the country in terms of rankings.

Well someone has to pay for the two homes.

If he is on base, he won’t pay. If he is off base it’s subsidised.

And who says OP doesn’t work?

I’m pleased that if the op wades through all the negative posts, she’s got a lot of really good leads to alternative options.

Good luck op convincing him.

@LemonSwan

I apologise OP, reading back it was insensitive to say 'coo'.

I was just trying to be to the point.

The long version is that theres 4 people; one baby who wont remember any of this so unlikely to be affected, 2 adults who will remember but who are adults, with control over the situation and made a choice about going into this scenario of moving about; and one 16yo child who will equally remember all of this but who has absolutely no control and has made no choice to partake.

Splitting the family is dramatic and absolutely shitty solution; but the person who is most detrimentally impacted is the person who chose this career path.

Moving the whole family to rural scotland is only detrimentally impacting the person who has absolutely no control or autonomy.

I am sorry it was a crass insensitive off the cuff comment, but I still think you should put your DS first.

Thank you for your apology.

@NYnewstart

I’m pleased that if the op wades through all the negative posts, she’s got a lot of really good leads to alternative options.

Good luck op convincing him.

Correct! Thank you

@Toanewstart23

Well I suppose if your benchmark is Afghanistan…

Cheers keyboard warrior. Suppose you will be hateful on the armed forces when Russia and China make a move?

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here OP. Did you judgemental idiots bother to even read the original post? OP asked how to tell her DS they aren't going to Oxford, she didn't ask a bunch of random strangers where to live, whether she should split up her family etc.

OP, your son is just going to have to learn that life isn't always fair and we can't always have what we want. As for these people acting as though Scotland is some third world backwater Good luck,and I hope he takes it well. I agree, you need to give him some alternatives before you mention it.

Honestly, I swear some people seem to get a thrill out of being as contrary and unpleasant as they can.

Knife edge

Honestly it sounds like there will be plenty of pluses for him being in Scotland, as he is sporty and interested in joining the military ultimately. Lots of opportunities for sports and outdoors activities, more so than Oxford.

I'd tell him now, his exams are a while away (assuming you are on an English timetable) and it gives him time to adjust, research and apply for courses.

I'd anticipate for him being annoyed and upset initially, and acknowledge how he feels and that it's unfair. Don't try and push him to feel differently. Reassure him that you want the best for him, and that you have confidence in him thriving in new area.

Once he's ready, I'd have some good points about the new area ready to share, and encourage him to go research more himself.

I think he will find something equally tempting to the football course. If it was a career plan it would be a different situation, but as he just wants to do something enjoyable for a year I'm sure he can find something good in the new area.

My concerns about new area would be about the Scottish education system being different to English and how he'd adapt to that. I'm assuming you can stay in Scotland for the remainder of his school education? As he's interested in military or learning a trade I'd research the equivalence of Highers to GCSEs if he ends up applying in England in future, to ensure he picks the correct options and aims for the needed grades.

There will be so many sporting and outdoors opportunities up there, I'm sure he will thrive there.

Can you contact any other military families with teens living there currently to put them in touch?

I would seriously explore some sort of boarding option if he is not happy with the Kinloss options. Especially for football/ dance/ drama people board (often with local families) if they are not near to wherever they live. So many sixth-formers who live at home wish they didn't (mine included). If it is just for one year as well he could move up afterwards maybe. Especially if he would appreciate the outdoor lifestyle. Obviously only if he wanted to.

Like @HopelesslydevotedtoGu (great user name) says:
" I'd research the equivalence of Highers to GCSEs if he ends up applying in England in future, to ensure he picks the correct options and aims for the needed grades."

We're Scottish and DC1 is at uni in England. Insitutions will say what the equivalent grades are.

Nat 5 and GCSE are seen as equivalent.
Higher is less academic than A level
Advanced Higher (which you'd do in 6th year) is more academic than A level, would mean you've covered some content of first year of uni.

If you do boarding or private schooling he'll likely be able to stay on A level course, some offer the international barraclaureat. Which I clearly didn't do as I don't know how to spell it.

The chance for a young man to spend time in remote Scotland is not a negative thing. They send the squaddies up there to toughen up by yomping round the peat bogs, being savaged by the midges and by the wit of the locals.

Re performing arts courses- I work I. Performing arts and live not far from BRIT. Most of their students do not go on to be the next Adele. Many of their students are just Croydon locals who fancy going there instead of local 6th form. Particularly for the less ‘high profile’ courses.

If he was hell bent on a football career and this was THE most prestigious course then I’d say making loads of effort to get him there would be more worth it but he isn’t and it isn’t. It’s just a nice course that he could have done while waiting to join the army.

But I also don’t subscribe to the whole ‘you won’t make it anywhere unless you hothouse train at 16’. Even in the ballet world the expectation is that young people will board at school and the family won’t move.

My feeling is that if he’s up for the idea of boarding he might look at other boarding options that will help him out more in the run up to joining the army.

Hartpury in Gloucestershire is a sports college which offers boarding for 6th form students. Just adding that into the mix in case it's not been mentioned.

Op one other consideration, how long do you need to be resident in Scotland to qualify for free Uni, that could be something that makes a difference to his choices, if he decides to go to school rather than college.

BTW 6th form colleges aren't a thing in Scotland.

Higher is less academic than A level

Not sure I’d describe it as less academic. It’s a shorter course, but over 5th and 6th year, you do more of them. This gives a wider breadth of subjects rather than a broader study of individual subjects.

Fair point, Bored.

@Iwouldlikesomecake

Re performing arts courses- I work I. Performing arts and live not far from BRIT. Most of their students do not go on to be the next Adele. Many of their students are just Croydon locals who fancy going there instead of local 6th form. Particularly for the less ‘high profile’ courses.

If he was hell bent on a football career and this was THE most prestigious course then I’d say making loads of effort to get him there would be more worth it but he isn’t and it isn’t. It’s just a nice course that he could have done while waiting to join the army.

But I also don’t subscribe to the whole ‘you won’t make it anywhere unless you hothouse train at 16’. Even in the ballet world the expectation is that young people will board at school and the family won’t move.

My feeling is that if he’s up for the idea of boarding he might look at other boarding options that will help him out more in the run up to joining the army.

Not our experience of BRIT. You do know it's quite competitive to get into, don't you? Most of DD's class are now at top drama schools and dance schools, the ones where graduates get offers from the top agents. Most of the graduating year above DD at her drama school have gone straight into work in the industry, many in west end shows and similar.

Certainly on DD's course, BRIT ain't a place for dossers.

The difference between performing arts courses and this is arts would need auditions and a decent talent to get in and a good chance of a job at some level at the end.

This course won't need talent (the top talents are snapped up by clubs) so it's a coaching course with poor prospects.

I would not be breaking up the family to make it happen

OnGoldenPond, some of the courses are hard to get into because they are sought after, and I also know people who’ve gone there who are talented to a point but don’t have the tenacity or the drive to make it in the industry, or who aren’t hell bent on it in the first place and applied on the off chance. People who worked hard and people who coasted. Like any other school really! I think it is a great school and resource, for the people it suits, don’t get me wrong. Caveat: I’d say the above about every course I’ve ever done or known though including drama school. It’s just the way of humans.

But that’s by the by; the point is that unless your child is a prodigy it’s a massive gamble to uproot your whole family to an expensive area on the whim of a 16 year old. Whatever their passion, be it football or music or dance or whatever. This isn’t denying a child the chance to go up the road to the Royal Ballet School because you’re moving from Fulham to Faslane; it’s saying ‘you will need a rethink for the year before you join up’. A better analogy would be to say would you relocate your family at great expense so your child could go to BRIT because they like music but their long term goal is to be a pilot. Probably not!

Good luck to your DD. The hours are terrible and the money is terrible 😂😂 but there’s nothing like it! And it’s definitely worth it (mostly)