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Original poster

How to break the news to my son

351 replies

NightfeedsandNetflix · 06/02/2022 14:55

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

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Thirkettle · 08/02/2022 08:25

Move to Oxford anyway with your son.

Kids come before daddy's flaky job.

RevolvingPivot · 08/02/2022 08:26

DH has "lived" away from us for 18 years. For the past 5 years me and the kids have been in England while he's in Scotland. 6 hour drive every other weekend. It's crap but I didn't want to move the kids about.

RevolvingPivot · 08/02/2022 08:28

Sorry should have read your second post first.

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TeenPlusCat · 08/02/2022 08:28

@Thirkettle

Move to Oxford anyway with your son.

Kids come before daddy's flaky job.

A career in the forces is not a flaky job. The OP also has a young baby. A 16yo can board out for a vocational course.
TheCurrywurstPrion · 08/02/2022 08:29

@Greatauntdymphna

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, if your dh really can't get out of the posting or swap to somewhere better, then I would sit your ds down as soon as you can and offer him some options. Big up the benefits of Kinloss (it sounds as though there are some positives if he's sporty and outdoorsy) and check out the offerings at the local college. But also discuss with him the options of boarding somewhere and doing a course he'd prefer. You're not limited to one college - lots of areas offer football courses (ds has a friend doing one and they offer loads of business and management skills as well as playing football) so you might be able to find one elsewhere in Scotland or nearer the borders (Newcastle?) where coming to see you is much easier and he might be able to be the one commuting at weekends but able to stay where he is if he has things going on with friends etc. I think if you present him with options he can have time to consider what he really wants. After GCSEs there would be next to no time - plus it stops the rest of you planning and thinking about the future yourselves. 16-17 year olds definitely do board with local families for college etc so I'm sure you'd be able to find something if that's what he'd like to do. All the very best - it's a difficult situation for all of you.
This. I think ideally you should discuss and get your son’s take, rather than presenting him with a closed decision. Given he’s been active and enthusiastic enough to apply for this course, he might well have some ideas to offer about how he could achieve his aim, despite the complication.

I do also think that perhaps you need to prioritize his needs at this stage. It’s temporary for you, huge for him.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2022 08:29

The DS hasn't 'trailed' the DH. OP explains clearly that the one time they moved with the DH, it was because there was a great school for the DS. we only accompanied on this posting as a family for the first time as it was abroad and my DS had a chance to go to an amazing school. Rather, the DH has previously done long commutes, to work around the family.

What I'd do OP, is not tell DS until after his exams. In the meantime do a lot of research.

At 16 he could board or lodge. Football academies typically operate with a network of local families who take in teen lodgers. Colleges might have some similar links.

So I'd put together a list of affordable options (having done the work to discover what is actually possible, with places available to someone with your DS's predicted grades, applying when he is) and talk through the course / convenience costs and benefits with him. Accepting he might need to live away in term time.

Embracelife · 08/02/2022 08:32

Ds can board /Lodge as is specialist college.
Put him first.

Make sure he has the option .

elbea · 08/02/2022 08:35

I’d take up boarding for your son doing a course he wants to do! You can find schools that will bursary’s for the amount the army don’t pay. We will be doing this with our daughter once she gets to GCSE age so that postings don’t interrupt her education!

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 08:37

I have lived in that area you are moving to. It's not an education system you want your kids in trust me. OK moray is a bit better than the Highlands, but if he goes to Inverness college he's likely to learn nothing, or nothing correct at least. One of the heads (think he may have been let go now) had a daughter in one of the classes where everyone failed. The high schools are atrocious, the kids in one of them actually had to make a video to essentially blackmail the council into putting funding towards the school to fix its issues. If you could afford it, I'd send him to gordonstoun.

Its a very pretty area of the uk. That's all its got going for it. There's almost no careers up here outside of public sector. None that pay well at least. I can only think of one company that pays OK, but you need to be a specialist. The education system is shit, the hospital is crap too (if you want more kids, there's no proper maternity services at Dr grays, so you'll be travelling for two hours to Aberdeen). The uhi is a bit of a joke to people up there, your better universities start from Aberdeen and continue south.

If I was your husband, I'd be either begging for a different location or leaving the force.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 08/02/2022 08:37

Of course you shouldn't break up your family, deprive your husband of bonding time with the new child and destabilize your marriage (which won't benefit your older son anyway) by living separately unless you need to! Those saying move to Oxford, why on earth would the OP move with a small baby by herself and effectively make herself a single parent, all so her 16 year old can do football! I have done the two location commute lifestyle and it was hugely stressful for my husband and we had family support where I was living.

This is very odd. I don't understand why an entire family would orient around a 16 year old's course, it's not going to be the only course in the country, and unless he's the next David Beckham, then 99% of 16-18 year olds go to the nearest most suitable sixth form or college!

I really find all this mystifying. Plus what if he doesn't like it and drops out on week 2 like quite a few students? Are you going to move again for another course?!

SomePosters · 08/02/2022 08:42

Shouldn’t break up the family

But eldest kid should sacrifice his education for them

Some people are so selfish

bridgetreilly · 08/02/2022 08:43

How do you tell him? Honestly and straightforwardly. Acknowledge how disappointing you know this will be. But he is old enough to understand all the reasons why the plan has changed. And do it sooner rather than later.

Original poster
NightfeedsandNetflix · 08/02/2022 08:44

Some genuine caring and considerate responses from people who clearly READ before commenting. Some down and out trolls too! No I shall not be separating my 5 month old baby from his father.

Flaky job? Serving the likes of people like you? I guess maybe it is a crap job. What do you do?

Staying with DH so he can coo over baby? WTH, I forgot we are all meant to man hate these days. God forbid I support father parental rights.

Asking for guidance and you get insulted, you get accused of not caring about your child.

Some people clearly live in cuckoo land and have money trees, I will let him live in Oxford? Well if your paying or can give me an interest free loan I'll take that?

OP posts:
TeenPlusCat · 08/02/2022 08:47

@lottiegarbanzo What I'd do OP, is not tell DS until after his exams. In the meantime do a lot of research.

Leaving it until after he has sat exams is imo far far too late. Places will be filled up on courses and any boarding spaces at college may well be long gone.
Far better to hve a bit of upset now and formulate a solid plan, than leave until end June!

Original poster
NightfeedsandNetflix · 08/02/2022 08:48

@Iwouldlikesomecake

Ok a few things.

If someone posted to say ‘my child has decided they have their heart set on a performing arts course in London but our London move has fallen through and we are moving to West Wales, should we actually split the family up and move to London so they can pursue their dream’ everyone would say they were nuts, why are you letting a child dictate the family move etc.

With postings it’s not as easy as just asking for another place. It depends on the trade- my husband was given the option of two places for his next job because that’s the only places with openings for his trade at his level. Loads of bases don’t even have the thing he does.

Thank you!
OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 08:49

dream college course
I’m dreading telling him
he’s so excited
im dreading telling him

All quotes from you op
Fairly dramatic language you use op
And so you should expect some fairly forthright response (that clearly have antagonised you)

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 08:49

it’s eating me up

Original poster
NightfeedsandNetflix · 08/02/2022 08:50

@SomePosters

Shouldn’t break up the family

But eldest kid should sacrifice his education for them

Some people are so selfish

It's a 1 year course to develop his football skill, knowledge and general health abs fitness.

He has no desire to go to uni or do any other form of studying after.

OP posts:
angelicwave · 08/02/2022 08:50

@NightfeedsandNetflix

Some genuine caring and considerate responses from people who clearly READ before commenting. Some down and out trolls too! No I shall not be separating my 5 month old baby from his father.

Flaky job? Serving the likes of people like you? I guess maybe it is a crap job. What do you do?

Staying with DH so he can coo over baby? WTH, I forgot we are all meant to man hate these days. God forbid I support father parental rights.

Asking for guidance and you get insulted, you get accused of not caring about your child.

Some people clearly live in cuckoo land and have money trees, I will let him live in Oxford? Well if your paying or can give me an interest free loan I'll take that?

This !!!!! Sorry op that you have some horrible posts from people who clearly don’t have a clue!! Sending you some love and hugs x
LIZS · 08/02/2022 08:51

What's the course? Is there an equivalent, could it be done remotely? What would he have done if you stayed put? If you can suggest alternatives it may soften the disappointment.

Original poster
NightfeedsandNetflix · 08/02/2022 08:52

@Toanewstart23

*dream college course* *I’m dreading telling him* *he’s so excited* *im dreading telling him*

All quotes from you op
Fairly dramatic language you use op
And so you should expect some fairly forthright response (that clearly have antagonised you)

Nice touch, thanks for that
OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 08/02/2022 08:52

Your son had absolutely no connection to Oxford except he has read about a college he might like.
That is not a strong enough reason to split a family and move to a new city.

I would love to work at London Zoo. Doesn’t mean my family should uproot and move hundreds of miles away for me to work there.

If you have a house in Yorkshire then I would look into the logistics of loving there and DH visiting when possible, simply because Kinloss is so remote.

Just accept he is going to be upset, let him be angry for a bit, and then help him research new options.

Original poster
NightfeedsandNetflix · 08/02/2022 08:52

@LIZS

What's the course? Is there an equivalent, could it be done remotely? What would he have done if you stayed put? If you can suggest alternatives it may soften the disappointment.
Currently in Brunei, we have to leave in June / July
OP posts:
Nishkin · 08/02/2022 08:53

I agree with @TeenPlusCat - in my view it would be better to tell him now, by the time of the exams there may well be a plan in place he is happy with

Lipsandlashes · 08/02/2022 08:54

It's a 1 year course to develop his football skill, knowledge and general health abs fitness. He has no desire to go to uni or do any other form of studying after.
Then you say, “I’m really sorry buddy but you can’t go because we have to move to Scotland for Dad’s job. We can help you find a decent course nearer to there but if you do t like it why don’t you have a look at an apprenticeship?”