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Original poster

How to break the news to my son

351 replies

NightfeedsandNetflix · 06/02/2022 14:55

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

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mightbeyesmightbeno · 08/02/2022 06:30

@RowanAlong

You say your own house is in Yorkshire? Time to move home, and DH commutes to Scotland?
Or this
IamNannyPlum · 08/02/2022 06:40

I grew up in the Kinloss area and whilst it is stunningly beautiful, it really is incredibly remote and there will not be the same facilities/course available for your son. I think that some of the posters who are suggesting that your son researches colleges etc. have never been to the area and do not grasp how isolated you will be. In my experience, Morayshire is great for adults/small children who love the outdoors. It is not so great for teenagers. It is fantastic for outdoor sports in the summer but can be extremely bleak in mid winter with very few hours of sunshine. You will be in commuting distance of Inverness, but in reality the city is tiny and there won’t be a great deal going on for your son. Aberdeen is a great city but is around a 2 hour drive. Edinburgh and Glasgow are further and not really commutable.

If you have the option, can you not stay in Yorkshire and your husband come back at weekends?

MrsPnut · 08/02/2022 06:44

I was going to recommend Loughborough college too, we know a few rugby players who have gone there post 16 and there is boarding available. The sports programme is amazing there.

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FrenchFancie · 08/02/2022 06:46

Urgh bloody MOD postings. I sympathise OP, we are abroad at the moment and have just had a Gloucester/ York switcheroo pulled on us for this summer. Luckily dd is young enough that she can just roll with it.
Kin loss is a bit in the back arse of nowhere, but there may be courses etc that would appeal. Failing which can you stay put where you are? (Although you mention you have been away for two years and if you are near us, the 16+ options aren’t thrilling).
It’s so tough, I’m really sorry you’re in this position

MrsLargeEmbodied · 08/02/2022 06:54

i am sure he will be more resilient that you think
and when are his exams that you are thinking of holding off telling him?
surely it is better he knows sooner rather than later?

ChiselandBits · 08/02/2022 06:55

Can you research agents who live in Oxford who work as guardians for international boarding school pupils? I'm in a different part of the country but all our international boarders have to have a UK based guardian within one hour of the school. One or two house day pupils through term time which provides a more homely environment.

Accidentgirlfriend · 08/02/2022 07:01

@HelenaHandcart0

Message deleted by MNHQ.
Harsh ! I don’t think you have the right to judge the woman or her situation when you have only read one sentence of her life on a post on a forum . She’s come here for a little support ! Be nice :)

I think op you need to talk to your ds and see what he says but as a mum of teens you sometimes have to do what’s best for them for a while , it’s only a few years til they will be grown up and having their own life .

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 08/02/2022 07:01

Can I just say, this thread shows the power of Mumsnet? So much sensible, knowledgeable advice for the OP. Can I say well done to your son - he must be talented to have been accepted there. Good luck at sorting a good set of options for him and well done on the new baby too.

Porcupineintherough · 08/02/2022 07:01

@camperqueen54

You are messing him about at a crucial time. You need to put him first and go to Oxford.
Dont be silly. The OP's son has never loved in oxford. He doesnt have to live only there just because he likes the sound of a college course.
Merryhobnobs · 08/02/2022 07:01

My work (an FE/HE college all over Scotland) has really embraced hybrid learning with learning online and on campus for practicals allowing students to only pay for halls on a pay as you stay basis so for some it might be 1/2 nights a week, for others a week during a block. It's worth looking into as it gives more flexibility. What age is he? In Scotland there is the option to go to college at 16bjt also to stay on at school for the final two years to do highers etc. It's a curveball but could actually end up being really good. As others have said the outdoors sports scene in Scotland is very active and he could get qualifications and experience down that route too. Which is actually what my cousin did. He didn't get on so great at school, did one year of uni and really hated it. Worked for an outdoor sports company for 4 years and then went back to uni, ended up going to New Zealand and doing a PhD there.

Grasping · 08/02/2022 07:05

This is a college course, he’s just sitting his GCSE’s. It’s not at Oxford University.

Just clarifying as many posters jumping to conclusions. It’s tough OP, I hope you find a solution.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/02/2022 07:08

Where are you now OP? Moving from a bustling city to the arse end of nowhere could really mess some teens up at that age.

Honestly I do think you should look at living apart, its only 2 years. Your husband used to do it and yes I'm sure he prefers not having to and is all excited about the baby, but you have two sons and you need to make sure your eldest is set up for life.

Your going to be spending the next 18 years following your husband around with HIS son, your eldest needs an exit plan and a decent education will facilitate that.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 08/02/2022 07:10

Posters keep saying OP should prioritise her son and let him go to this Oxford school. They don’t live in Oxford. How many of these posters would move across the country because their child found a school they liked in a different area they’d never lived in? Her son thought they were going to be moving there, but now they’re not.

It’s a difficult situation - depends whether you can find a good enough alternative in Inverness/wider area. It is a really beautiful area. What would he have done if the Oxford move had never been suggested?

WaterBottle123 · 08/02/2022 07:11

Maybe time for DH to put family first and find a career outside the military? Why are 4 people flexing here instead of 1?

What about your career OP? Surely Oxford has more options for you than Scotland?

PearPickingPorky · 08/02/2022 07:12

@RowanAlong

You say your own house is in Yorkshire? Time to move home, and DH commutes to Scotland?
This meets nobodies needs. Not DS, who wants to go to Oxford, not DH, who is back to not living with his family during the week, and not OP who then has an upset DS, an upset husband and a baby to deal with alone.
Sexnotgender · 08/02/2022 07:14

@HelenaHandcart0

You mean when do you tell your son that you’re prioritising your new family (current DH and his son) over your original family, who has become a little inconvenient. Given your decision I’m sure you’ll find a way to tell him. Sadly he will understand only too well what it means about his place in your heart versus that of the new c BC any and it’s father.
Are you always so rude?
Sexnotgender · 08/02/2022 07:14

@WaterBottle123

Maybe time for DH to put family first and find a career outside the military? Why are 4 people flexing here instead of 1?

What about your career OP? Surely Oxford has more options for you than Scotland?

That is another option.

Would he consider leaving?

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 07:16

Another recommendation for Loughborough, you pay the boarding but not the tuition.

StillMedusa · 08/02/2022 07:18

Can he not turn down Kinloss and beg for Brize Norton? My Dh managed to wiggle out of a 'bad for us' posting during his RAF career?
Is the course at Oxford United? My friend's son is there and it IS good :/

Or..there is State Boarding at Burford (bus route to Oxford) or plenty of independent boarding schools around Oxford itself, if your son is desparate to go there. It wouldn't be unusual to board at his age (mine didn't but my closest friend's kids did and loved it)

My DH left the RAF precisely because our children were at a stage we didn't want to shift them about any more, so I get how difficult it is. But realistically the baby won't care much.. I'd genuinely try and meet your son's needs now.

Caliexpidocioussuper · 08/02/2022 07:18

So he likes Oxford because it has a football course? That’s hardly studying physics at Oxford University is it? I’m sure there are thousands of similar courses the country over. People have a very romantic view of Oxford. The majority of it is pretty rough with a lot of poverty. If you don’t have any ties to Oxford then just find another course closer to where you are now going and provide him with many solutions.

PeakyBlender · 08/02/2022 07:18

People saying oh just move to Oxford, do they know it's one of the most expensive cities to live in in the UK?

Also saying it'll mess up his education - it's a football course, and although it's sad for him surely he'd rather the family didn't split up for it?

howtoleaveit · 08/02/2022 07:21

Oh god you can’t do this to him. He’s at the age where he needs friends not being stuck in nowhere! I’d go to Oxford and let him do his course. How awful

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:21

What I would do is fine a 2 bed to rent in Oxford and my son and I move to the flat so he can do the course

And my husband visit US and be there one being flexible to OUR needs for once

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:22

There is not a chance I’d let my son down
Not a chance

Ducksurprise · 08/02/2022 07:23

Ah good old snobbery. Replies think kid should go to Oxford, it's important put his needs first.

Oh, it's for football, stop wasting your time you can go anywhere.

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