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Original poster

How to break the news to my son

351 replies

NightfeedsandNetflix · 06/02/2022 14:55

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

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Blossom64265 · 08/02/2022 13:05

My answer changes entirely knowing that the college choice is not foundational for further education and an eventual career. Having to pick a different program isn’t going to impact the rest of his life so there is no need to go through Herculean efforts to keep him there.

OnGoldenPond · 08/02/2022 13:08

@Iwouldlikesomecake

Ok a few things.

If someone posted to say ‘my child has decided they have their heart set on a performing arts course in London but our London move has fallen through and we are moving to West Wales, should we actually split the family up and move to London so they can pursue their dream’ everyone would say they were nuts, why are you letting a child dictate the family move etc.

With postings it’s not as easy as just asking for another place. It depends on the trade- my husband was given the option of two places for his next job because that’s the only places with openings for his trade at his level. Loads of bases don’t even have the thing he does.

Actually if that performing arts course was at somewhere like BRIT School then no that wouldn't be ridiculous. Some of these places are one of a kind (though I believe BRIT is now opening a new school in Manchester) and you are not going to find comparable opportunities in a remote corner of the Scottish highlands.

That is why BRIT are very proactive in helping students who need to live away from the family home and have a network of local families who offer lodgings to 16 year olds from out of area. This would seem to be a good option to pursue for your DS can you speak to his chosen college to see if they can offer help? Though as he would not now be tied to Oxford you could look for the best course nationwide and approach the colleges for advice.

I really wouldn't want to be forcing my 16 year old to give up the chance of a course he loves to go and live in the back of beyond with no suitable opportunities.

Lockdownbear · 08/02/2022 13:13

I really wouldn't want to be forcing my 16 year old to give up the chance of a course he loves to go and live in the back of beyond with no suitable opportunities

Seriously it's a football coaching course the chances of a career out of it are zero to nil.

You'd actually bend over backwards so he can have a fun year messing about playing football?

Interested in this thread?

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Peridot1 · 08/02/2022 13:33

@Clymene - thanks. I didn’t read that thread.

OnGoldenPond · 08/02/2022 13:35

@Lockdownbear

I really wouldn't want to be forcing my 16 year old to give up the chance of a course he loves to go and live in the back of beyond with no suitable opportunities

Seriously it's a football coaching course the chances of a career out of it are zero to nil.

You'd actually bend over backwards so he can have a fun year messing about playing football?

Yeah that's what a lot of people say about performing arts courses but it really depends on the standing of the course. There are a lot of football clubs around where players make a reasonable living doesn't have to be premiership. Also studying something he is interested in is more likely to lead to a related job he will enjoy.

Sounds like this location is pretty remote and boarding/ lodging is likely to be necessary to access any kind of reasonable post 16 course. Might be good to look at options in north of England or southern Scotland with possibility of coming home for weekends.

BoredZelda · 08/02/2022 13:43

And it's certainly not some backwards place where your child will go to school and come out with less knowledge than when they went.

Yep, Forres Academy is slap bang in the middle of the league tables. Pretty average in terms of attainment. Which, given how many service families they have and how that can impact on a school’s output numbers, is a pretty decent placing for the school.

BoredZelda · 08/02/2022 13:51

I'm surprised at all the posters who must be running two homes and living separately from their husbands so that their children can go to school in other parts of the country.

I assume you can tell the difference between those who would and those who actually are? I’m not doing it but would definitely consider it.

We wanted to move but for all sorts of reasons our daughter couldn’t move schools. We considered my husband moving first for about a year, he’d be about 5 hours north. In the end we decided against it but only because house prices meant a substantial downsize which also wouldn’t work for us.

And the ones whose husbands just give up their career to move to another part of the country so their kids can go to school somewhere else.

Ahh yes, the world in which the husbands oh so important job must take priority over everyone in the family. Wife and kids can change their lives but not husband?

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 13:54

@Theresamagicalplace

And how long ago was it that you were there? You were there for 15 years, but if that was 30 years ago, it's changed drastically up here since you were here I'm afraid. It's not as idyllic as some would have you believe.

The teenagers do have stuff to do, yep, if you agree that vandalism, throwing stones through people's windows and destroying property is stuff to do. It sucks up there for teenagers unfortunately, there's no getting around that. I feel sorry for them, I mean the fact the seniors at an Inverness high school actually had to do a video showing how crap their school is to convince to council to fund the repairs is embarrassing. The council had rejected the repairs several times before. Dunno about you, but I think kids shouldn't have to work in a school where the roof leaks and is full of asbestos...

The journey times don't bother me, and you can travel up there in winter in a small car easily. You don't need 4x4. But the rest of what people say is not true about up there. I wouldn't put my child to those schools.

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 14:15

Tsing your son out t of the equation

Would YOU want to live there OP

I would struggle. really struggle

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 14:15

In fact
I couldn’t and wouldn’t

BoredZelda · 08/02/2022 14:26

I mean the fact the seniors at an Inverness high school actually had to do a video showing how crap their school is to convince to council to fund the repairs is embarrassing.

You can’t judge the quality of education at Forres based on the same in Inverness. Run by the same council but Inverness High School is right at the bottom of the rankings so there are clearly some specific issues there. To assume it is reflective of Highland Council education is way off mark. City of Edinburgh Council have the lowest ranking school, but also have half of their schools in the top third, with one ranking 7th in the Country. You wouldn’t say “Education in Edinburgh is rubbish because Craigroyston High is shit”

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 14:50

@BoredZelda

I mean the fact the seniors at an Inverness high school actually had to do a video showing how crap their school is to convince to council to fund the repairs is embarrassing.

You can’t judge the quality of education at Forres based on the same in Inverness. Run by the same council but Inverness High School is right at the bottom of the rankings so there are clearly some specific issues there. To assume it is reflective of Highland Council education is way off mark. City of Edinburgh Council have the lowest ranking school, but also have half of their schools in the top third, with one ranking 7th in the Country. You wouldn’t say “Education in Edinburgh is rubbish because Craigroyston High is shit”

It's not specifically Inverness High school I'm talking about. But the college there isn't good either, has been in the papers before for quite bad failings. That was more my point that I made on a previous post, education is not a priority to that council sadly.

Moray is a tad better, but I would worry for how long.

Runningupthecurtains · 08/02/2022 15:07

@Toanewstart23

In fact I couldn’t and wouldn’t
There are pros and cons to moving with postings v staying put. At least on base/ in a military town you have a lot of other families in the same boat, a ready made community that understands the sometimes harsh reality of forces lives. Being part of a forces family is not for everyone but when you sign up or commit to a relationship with someone who has signed up you know what you are getting into. You are also aware that the result of pushing back against a slightly inconvenient posting can be a down right bloody awful one. The MOD are not going to reopen RAF Benson or post her DH to an empty base because it would suit her 16 year old.
Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 15:09

I meant specifically to that area of Scotland

Lockdownbear · 08/02/2022 15:13

@Toanewstart23

In fact I couldn’t and wouldn’t
What is the realistic alternative for the Op?

Try not to make her dread the move and be so unsupportive.

The Highlands by the beach. I could think of far worse places to live.

Runningupthecurtains · 08/02/2022 15:23

@Toanewstart23

I meant specifically to that area of Scotland
But point is in the military you don't get to choose. They don't throw a heap of brochures at you and ask what fancy next. Or decide to build a base in Chelsea because someone wife can't bear the thought of not being within walking distance of the King's Road. DH is a reserve so I don't get the option to be posted with him but six month on my own with a toddler while he was Afghanistan isn't something I'd sign up for again in hurry I'd much rather be in rural Scotland with him.
SockFluffInTheBath · 08/02/2022 15:59

Seeing how the thread has progressed I’m not really sure what OP wants from this? It’s quite clear the boy doesn’t have a choice, so what do you want to hear from us? You’ll get empathy from other forces wives, but you signed yourself and your children up to this life, so what do you want from us?

QuillBill · 08/02/2022 16:03

Ahh yes, the world in which the husbands oh so important job must take priority over everyone in the family. Wife and kids can change their lives but not husband?

Well someone has to pay for the two homes.

Lockdownbear · 08/02/2022 16:26

@SockFluffInTheBath
I think you are being at tad harsh.

Op has managed his expectations got him excited about their next move and found him a fun course.

But the moves not going to be where they thought so she needs to get him over the disappointment and excited about somewhere else.

He cannot be that put off by military life as that's what he wants to do in the longer term hence fun football course to kill time until he's 18.

What exactly has she done wrong?

cmt1375 · 08/02/2022 16:36

Loughborough College has a huge number of sporting links and offers residential options from 16. It is a long way from where you will be but not far from East Midlands airport and the trains are reasonable too.

nettie434 · 08/02/2022 16:37

@SockFluffInTheBath

Seeing how the thread has progressed I’m not really sure what OP wants from this? It’s quite clear the boy doesn’t have a choice, so what do you want to hear from us? You’ll get empathy from other forces wives, but you signed yourself and your children up to this life, so what do you want from us?
What NightfeedsandNetflix was asking about was how to break the news to her son.

Lots of people don't have a choice about where they live or where their children go to school. I think she was hoping people would use their experience of dealing with difficult situations to share some tips.

Everywhere has its plus and minus points. There are lots of pluses about moving to the highlands for her son compared with Oxford. There are also many careers in football. Of course only a tiny number of academy graduates play in the Premier League but there are lots of people making a good living as a coach or player in the lower divisions. Playing football is a huge advantage for her son in terms of meeting new friends and settling in.

I don't know if posters are confusing this situation with someone temporarily moving to a job in a gulf state or somewhere like that where they can hope for much more financially.

I think some posters forget that many people do not earn vast salaries and can't set up home wherever they want.

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 16:37

Well I suppose if your benchmark is Afghanistan…

Choccy21 · 08/02/2022 16:41

If the OPs son wants to join the military anyway, it’s surely not the end of the world if he can’t do that particular course? Sorry not trying to be negative OP, genuinely.
The military does encourage sports and has PT instructors. He could specialise in that if he wants to. Some military sports people even go into represent their countries at a professional level, and turn into full time professionals in that field.

Lockdownbear · 08/02/2022 16:47

@Choccy21

If the OPs son wants to join the military anyway, it’s surely not the end of the world if he can’t do that particular course? Sorry not trying to be negative OP, genuinely. The military does encourage sports and has PT instructors. He could specialise in that if he wants to. Some military sports people even go into represent their countries at a professional level, and turn into full time professionals in that field.
Exactly there are other options and probably better options but that's what she needs to find and present to him and get him excited about the Highlands and all the outdoor stuff available beyond football.
katieg03 · 08/02/2022 17:00

Kinloss you've got moray college, Highlands and island and then Aberdeen. Most teenagers travel through to Aberdeen and get student accommodation. I'm from moray and that's what we all did back in the day and still happens now. If it's football he's into there is rgu and Aberdeen uni. You also have the new cormack park here. Aberdeen football club. Sport Aberdeen have a lot of students working on gyms and doing activities within school. I'm not sure if that helps or gives you more questions. But there are opportunities close by.