How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

It's not the key issue here, but I'm a bit uncertain of the purpose of the Oxford course.
If he was good enough to go professional as a footballer would he not already have been spotted by a club ? Or was that not possible because of being abroad?
If he's not good enough to go pro then wouldn't the course be better to focus on how to coach and motivate others ?

I was going to suggest looking at the Scottish FA website to see which clubs have academies:

www.scottishfa.co.uk/performance/club-academy-scotland/

However, some posters have already mentioned clubs and courses which will be more local to you. It could be a fantastic location for your son if he is sporty.

I am amazed at some of the negative posts you have received from people who did not read why you have been living abroad and don't have a choice about postings. Where would we be if we lived in a country in which nobody served in the armed forces?

There is no way I would be taking a college going child to Kinloss over Oxford. You both move and your DH can travel down on wknds.

@Marvellousmadness

Poor kids life is already fucked by having to move around all the time and now you are going to move so he can't attend his dream college because you dont wanna "break up the family" yet you do considering boarding him... right Anyway. Think about him and how he can love his life. Yes is said love his life. Let him love it . Or he'll end up resenting you for it.

He is 16 where I am from most people move out at 17 let him go . Focus on your bebe.

Breaking up the family I have another two sons and a step daughter in the mix? So not split up mum and dad for the other kids? How hard is that to grasp. It will sadden me massively to see my eldest go but I can live with that to see him happy? My question was how to break the bad news about Oxford falling through? Not a post about my family tree, household composition and which kids I apparently favour?

@Ozanj

There is no way I would be taking a college going child to Kinloss over Oxford. You both move and your DH can travel down on wknds.

Read the post, Oxford posting has been cancelled.

Ozanj it's Oxford United FC not Oxford Uni!
Of he is considered a non playing football career is he aware of the the Football university?
www.ucfb.ac.uk/ he might be happy to take an A level, highers, b-tec type course with the Football Uni has a goal at 18. Good luck.

@nettie434

I was going to suggest looking at the Scottish FA website to see which clubs have academies:

www.scottishfa.co.uk/performance/club-academy-scotland/

However, some posters have already mentioned clubs and courses which will be more local to you. It could be a fantastic location for your son if he is sporty.

I am amazed at some of the negative posts you have received from people who did not read why you have been living abroad and don't have a choice about postings. Where would we be if we lived in a country in which nobody served in the armed forces?

Thank you for your compassion

• If he is considering - excuse my fat fingers!

[quote TheFairyCaravan]@NightfeedsandNetflix I’ve sent you a PM.

You are always going to get ridiculous answers on here. No one really understands military life unless you live it, but at least you’ve not been told you shouldn’t have had children yet, which is common on these threads.[/quote]
Oh god lucky me. So I would regret my post, but I've had some amazing responses from some clearly decent genuine people who are giving constructive advice rather then a character assassination.

Gosh this is tricky and I do feel for you trying to balance it all.

I quite liked the idea of presenting other options to him when you tell him. Just thinking though that if you aren’t now bound by Oxford you could possibly look for similar courses anywhere really in the North of England or in Scotland that he might be able to board at. Ie it doesn’t have to just be Oxford or Kinross, if you are all happy for him to board then the country is his oyster really.

As for telling him, I don’t have a teen yet so can’t give personal advice, but I’d probably say honestly is the best policy. Tell him your so sorry, you’re just as disappointed as him etc let him get upset. But then say that actually there might be some courses which are even better and if he is willing to board there are lots of options and so on. I’d tell him asap so he has time to get used to it and apply for courses before they get booked up. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

If he wants the coaching can't he do an alternative course and then is there scope for him to have private coaching with a club or retired professional maybe?

@Ozanj

There is no way I would be taking a college going child to Kinloss over Oxford. You both move and your DH can travel down on wknds.

You say that as if it's an Oxford Uni course, no it's a sport college course focused on football coaching.

When he finishes it he'd be competing against 100s of other college graduates & the young boys who have failed to make the grade with professional clubs & the retired professionals who have years of experience.

The chances of getting a coaching job at the end of it is pretty low. It's a good thing he doesn't actually want to coach but go into the army instead.

It sounds like a fun course to do but really the prospects at the end of it have to be low. Has to be better options than splitting a family up.

My Mum wouldn't let me come to college alone so she's here looking after me while Dad's at work in North of Scotland.

Kids not much older than him will be on their own in student accommodation.

Not read whole thread.

So hard op. My mum did this and it totally fucked my education and future and we don’t get on now. Be compassionate when explaining as he will be pretty upset.

Op, I think the drip-feed way is the best idea. I have experience with teens of that age and college courses. They often blow hot and cold and either don't settle to it, or it isn't what they envisaged.

For example, whilst it may be targetted at the 'sporty' it will have a heavy academic side to fulfil the qualification requirements. Many teens don't expect this or want it.

I would look for an alternative nearer to Kinloss rather than facilitate a move/boarding to Oxford which may not, in the end, pan out as expected.

Good luck, parenting is never easy!

So the Oxford football related course was mainly driven by the fact of your DH’s proposed posting to Oxford. I take it your DS hasn’t been planning his entire life around this course since he was little.

I would definitely let him know sooner rather than later. Let him be disappointed. But as others said there will be other places doing the same or very similar courses.

@Lockdownbear - where did you get the idea that he wants to go into the army? I haven’t read that from any of the OP’s posts I don’t think.

A difficult task OP.
Thirkettle a ridiculous statement. How old are you?

OP I used to live up there and my sister still does.
Kinross is very small it has one shop other than the NAAFI. Have a look at Findhorn village it is very beautiful and Findhorn Foundation has a very well stocked shop for healthy eating and gifts. You might be able to walk there from the base. Findhorn has a 7 mile beach on the back shore and a smaller beach around the bay. Never swim at the point as the current is very bad and some very good swimmers have found that out. Nestle among the dunes and you will enjoy relaxing.

Schools. A Primary next to the base if you stay that long. It was a very good school.
The Secondary School is in Forres and there are buses for Kinloss and Findhorn kids. Swimming pool in Forres there was one in Kinloss but not sure if it is still open and it was always very cold. It might be for the base as I went with RAF wives.

Forres Mechanics is the local football club and they do have a youth team as my nephew played for them so you could look into that.

Elgin has a college. Dr Gray’s local hospital. I think the Forres one closed down. One in Inverness ...Raigmore and one in Aberdeen. Depends which doctor you sign up with in Forres.

Lots of sports there. Sailing School and Royal Findhorn Yacht Club in Findhorn. They would be your closest and very good. There was riding at Burgie and Kinloss I know the Kinloss one closed not sure about Burgie. Golf courses all over the spot. Skating rink in Inverness and Skiing, skating and curling in Aviemore. The kids at Forres Academy used to go every year.

Those suggesting Gordonstoun do they know the fees? It would be £13,000-£14,250 a year plus all the extra curriculum. It is quite a different type of Education. My friend’s sisters went there but they got a discount as their parent was working at the school.

Moray is a very beautiful shire and Inverness is a great small city. It was easy to go to for a day’s shopping but there are also large supermarkets now before you get to it. Colleges there and train from Forres or buses if that suited DS. It has a football club I think it is Inverness Thistle so maybe a Youth Team/ training Academy.
Aberdeen is further, Robert Gordon’s and Aberdeen University there probably other colleges. Commuting possible but sometimes difficulties in the winter because of snow. Not that often though. Football club there which probably has some type of course.
Airport at Dyce just outside Aberdeen and also one at Inverness which has a lot more flights nowadays.
I loved living there and only moved due to DH family needs. I still go up. Lots of Airbnb’s available. The people are lovely and lots of opportunities for you to make friends too. Forres library and Community Centre has lots of things on.

Check out Nairn and Lossiemouth beaches too. Beautiful.

Like others I would find out all you can first and then break it to him. If it is only a year and he is still adamant then hard as it is letting him board with a family might be an option. Lots of other sports opportunities which might interest him as well. Good luck with it all and I hope you like living there. A lot of people came back to stay. Oh and the sunsets are amazing and the Northern Lights!

@Peridot1

So the Oxford football related course was mainly driven by the fact of your DH’s proposed posting to Oxford. I take it your DS hasn’t been planning his entire life around this course since he was little.

I would definitely let him know sooner rather than later. Let him be disappointed. But as others said there will be other places doing the same or very similar courses.

@Lockdownbear - where did you get the idea that he wants to go into the army? I haven’t read that from any of the OP’s posts I don’t think.

It's on the OP's other thread in scotsnet

I don't have any military background, but just wanted to offer my support OP. I wouldn't want to be separated so far away from my 16 year old either, but I'd certainly present it as a possibility if his heart is set on the course.

But like others here, I'd be lined up with other options. The Inverness Caley Thistle Academy option looks great and would definitely be worth contacting them to explain the situation and see what he would have to do to try to get involved there.

I have lots of family in Inverness - it's an absolutely beautiful part of the world and I'm sure your family will be very happy there. Public transport is also really good in terms of trains/buses (my mother regularly travels up from Glasgow) so can open up options in the rest of Scotland too if you're open to midweek boarding and him coming home for the weekends.

This will all work out, but tell him as soon as you can and give him plenty of opportunity to plan his next move. Good luck

Assuming you'd get the forces bursary I'd suggest you have a really good look at Gordonston - for a child who is less academic and more into sport etc it might work well and would give him the opportunity to do some different things - mountain rescue/surf lifeguarding/firefighting/outward bound type activities etc. I know a couple of kids there and they love it. There was a reality TV programme on the school a few years back which might still be around on youtube.

The other school that might be worth a look is Millfield - it is one of the top sports schools in the country and offers BTEc sports in the 6th form.

Both schools will be used to Forces families having to double back on plans as postings change.

Kinloss is only 30miles from Inverness, yea it’s rural but not completely cut off.

You say your son has no plans to extend his education beyond a years course, do you know what he is aiming to do?

I don’t think drip feeding is the best idea, look at the options in Scotland and present it to him. I’m an ex forces child who moved at roughly the same age. Actually slightly worse age as mid gcse into the Scottish system. Drip feeding won’t make it easier it will just prolong his hope - it’s a crap time to move nothing will make the message easier for him to hear.

@Bratnews

I don’t think drip feeding is the best idea, look at the options in Scotland and present it to him. I’m an ex forces child who moved at roughly the same age. Actually slightly worse age as mid gcse into the Scottish system. Drip feeding won’t make it easier it will just prolong his hope - it’s a crap time to move nothing will make the message easier for him to hear.

I disagree with this. Teens are so emotional and taking the edge of something by letting the idea slowly form is less traumatic and easier for them to adapt to. It doesn't have to spread over weeks. Plant the seed, breathe, show options, allow alternatives to settle. Announce.

I stand by my original advice :)

Not sure if it’s suitable but Sparsholt College in Hampshire do a similar sounding course and it’s residential.
www.sparsholt.ac.uk/subject/sport/

@NightfeedsandNetflix - I know Moray College (Elgin) and Oxford very well and have taught in both colleges in that area. The sports courses at Moray are excellent and you can reach out to the lead tutors there to ask about his options. We kept our girls in school in Oxford when we moved at this point (Benson to Lossie) as we could claim BSA. Gordonstoun does teach the English curriculum but is expensive and you won't get BSA if you live there. You can PM if you want more detailed info.

🤣🤣🤣I can’t believe some are saying DH should commute at weekends. It takes about 5 hours to drive to the border for a start, longer with stops for kids. The thought that he will get weekends off as well 🤣😂🤣 he is in the forces probably more likely to be the army than those assuming RAF as most of the RAF have left Kinloss. Lossiemouth has more now. They don’t have 9-5 jobs and weekends off!When I lived up there it Kinloss was the larger RAF base. My sister explained why it isn’t now. My kids used to love the “ traffic lights for the Aircraft” so they could see them up close.