How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

Please take at look at Askham Bryan college in York. They do football courses and accommodation for 16+.

Hi OP
Is there an age limit on the course? Is it U18 or is it more like age 16-25?
Is this his absolute passion? What does he want to happen after this course? Get a related job or further related study?

There may well be opportunities to do this later. And if he is absolutely keen, he could start saving to help with his accommodation costs.

I have a daughter in Performing Arts. Many kids move far away to full time training. Most 16 year olds lodge with local host families and get on fine. But these kids are following their passion, and to them it is worth the sacrifice of being away from home so young. (And can’t go if parents can’t afford it...)
However, many more student will apply after A Levels to the exact same course. There are lots of benefits to waiting until older to start.
But it certainly adds to the cost, and these kids are absolutely committed.

If it is his absolute passion and he is following his dreams, I would try make it happen for him, but maybe at 18 rather than 16.

Best of luck with breaking the news and figuring out what to do next. I can empathise strongly with you, I can only image how I would feel in your shoes if I had to break similar news to my DD, especially after being already accepted on a place.

These are the sports courses in Inverness: www.inverness.uhi.ac.uk/courses/index.php?course-subject-search=Business%2C+leisure+and+tourism (scroll down to find them)

I also spotted this one at Moray College: www.moray.uhi.ac.uk/courses/scqf-level-5-sport-coaching-and-performance-pathway-football-fitness-or-multi-sports/

@camperqueen54

You are messing him about at a crucial time. You need to put him first and go to Oxford.

Wtf. Read the post man. Christ almighty

@Picklechamp

Please take at look at Askham Bryan college in York. They do football courses and accommodation for 16+.

This is another good option - there is a military presence in York so they are probably used to accommodating people popping up at "strange" times of year from different places.

Apart from the local secondary schools, which would be Forres Academy, Elgin Academy and Elgin High School as the nearest options I think, there is Granton which seems to be very good but not sure how much that costs.
Or would you consider boarding?

@Marvellousmadness

Poor kids life is already fucked by having to move around all the time and now you are going to move so he can't attend his dream college because you dont wanna "break up the family" yet you do considering boarding him... right Anyway. Think about him and how he can love his life. Yes is said love his life. Let him love it . Or he'll end up resenting you for it.

He is 16 where I am from most people move out at 17 let him go . Focus on your bebe.

You're making things up here. OP said the first time they've moved with DH was two years ago.He commuted until then. It's only DS's 'dream college' because he thought they were moving to Oxford. They haven't moved there yet.

* a character assassination.*

🙄

Unfortunately in the military, even with family, the needs of the service comes first.
I don’t mean that in a patronising way, the OP is of course aware how the military works. It’s always been that way.
I imagine Kinloss is in quite a rural area, not very much around?
Can your DH appeal the posting? Sorry, I haven’t read every post on here.
How long is the posting? Does your DH have long left in his career?
I understand it would be difficult to live apart for a few years with a baby, until his posting finishes. Not really an option.
Other than that is there any solution that your son could go there still? Do you have family that live somewhere else in the UK where your son could do he course?

There is some really good advice from people about alternatives/ways of making it work for all of you. Regarding how to tell him; I'd do it sooner rather than later so together you can explore all the options as soon as possible. It would be really sad to miss out on something because you delayed having the discussion with him and in his shoes, I'd have appreciated honesty and being treated in a more adult way.

Good luck to all of you.

@Redsquirrel5

🤣🤣🤣I can’t believe some are saying DH should commute at weekends. It takes about 5 hours to drive to the border for a start, longer with stops for kids. The thought that he will get weekends off as well 🤣😂🤣 he is in the forces probably more likely to be the army than those assuming RAF as most of the RAF have left Kinloss. Lossiemouth has more now. They don’t have 9-5 jobs and weekends off!When I lived up there it Kinloss was the larger RAF base. My sister explained why it isn’t now. My kids used to love the “ traffic lights for the Aircraft” so they could see them up close.

Correct he is Army and is often on duty.

This is the downside to the military. Moving away and making sacrifices to be with your loved one.
The military wives were always the unsung heroes in my opinion.

Hey OP, I'm in Moray. Elgin FC have a training academy if that's any good to your son? It's not too far away from Kinloss either

It doesn't sound like the course at Oxford is prestigious enough to disrupt the family's life to extreme levels. It's highly likely that he would be able to do a similar course much closer to where you are going to be living - even if he has to find a residential course or a family to board with, he could be within an easy weekend commute of you.

Is that course really worth it? Has he looked at careers sites and does he have an idea of what he wants to do at age 17 if he does not want to study beyond that? It sounds like he was looking for something 'to do' with the knowledge that you were moving to Oxford area. You might find he is not as upset as you think. Now is a time to think properly about his future and what his goals are and how you can both come up with a plan to best meet them.

I think you are right to want to move to Kinloss with your DH and baby. DC change massively between ages 16 and 18, and in no time at all your DS will be off living his own life. Still, I don't think it is going to be good to expect him to move with you unless there is something he can do locally that is part of a bigger longterm plan. So, forget Oxford, but find some plan Bs which are going to be best for your DS

How far away will he be from his daughter?

It used to be very common for teens at sixth form college in Oxford to live as a full board lodger (meals provided) in a family home. I don't know if it still is but my sister and many friends did this.
Of course it depends if you can afford it, but if so maybe it is an option you could offer to DS.

Will the Army help you OP? Maybe speak to some of the charities for advice? The army welfare officer may be able to help, each unit should have one.
Does SSAFA help with family matters? They are a well know charity.

It's the north-east of Scotland, not Siberia. Plenty of teenagers live there, grow up, go to college, go away to university. It's not a backwater. There's Inverness and Moray colleges, and Scotland itself has several very good universities. Inverness is a busy and vibrant city with lots on.

My ex grew up in rural Morayshire and believe me, teenagers make their own fun They had a lot of parties, camping trips, etc.

I'd definitely look at courses at the local colleges so you can approach him with alternatives.

Is your DS’ dad able to help out OP? Could he help with boarding costs or know anyone who lives near Oxford?

@Choccy21

Unfortunately in the military, even with family, the needs of the service comes first. I don’t mean that in a patronising way, the OP is of course aware how the military works. It’s always been that way. I imagine Kinloss is in quite a rural area, not very much around? Can your DH appeal the posting? Sorry, I haven’t read every post on here. How long is the posting? Does your DH have long left in his career? I understand it would be difficult to live apart for a few years with a baby, until his posting finishes. Not really an option. Other than that is there any solution that your son could go there still? Do you have family that live somewhere else in the UK where your son could do he course?

We've had loads of chops and changes for the next post. Originally was meant to be NI but it was mid GCSE so they took that into consideration since then, we've been told numerous other places to then finally getting told Oxford would be it. Then received notice it is closing down so only space left was kinloss. Also if he promotes this year it will all change again?! Hubby has 6 years left. He was ready to turn down promotion if it affected Oxford post.

Also leaving now would be a massive blow to pension.

You might be able to get boarding options funded at Dollar as a military family, especially if he has a sporting talent. They might be able to accommodate the English exam system too, lots of the private schools here do highers and A levels.

It's a good 3 hour drive to the RAF base, so considerably further than Gordounston, but I know military families who get substantial discounts on the fees. There are great public transport connections from Dunblane.

Agree with PP, Caley thistle and Aberdeen have really good youth development set ups.

Good luck.

www.dollaracademy.org.uk/co-curricular/

@katepilar

Apart from the local secondary schools, which would be Forres Academy, Elgin Academy and Elgin High School as the nearest options I think, there is Granton which seems to be very good but not sure how much that costs. Or would you consider boarding?

Gordonstoun, not Granton, sorry.

@NightfeedsandNetflix

Thanks for all of the sensible options and advice.

I've posted on scotsnet
I'm researching in more depth at what's available in the area to then present DS with alternatives.
I'll
Look into boarding and possible family who could assist with lodgings.

There are quite a few 'host family' companies in Oxford who generally host foreign language students for the summer, but may consider a longer term term time lodger?. I can't remember details off the top of my head, but we lived near there and considered doing this at one point.

People saying DH should commute between Kinloss and Yorkshire NEED TO LOOK AT A MAP!

Contact the admissions people at the college in Oxford and see if they know of similar courses in Scotland. They may have a partner college up there, they may know of colleges that offer the same course.