How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

Op it definitely makes sense for your DH to complete his time and get his full pension.

I hope you get something sorted, but I'd completely forget Oxford, too far, too expensive, too young.

The more I think about it I'd offer him options of living with you or in the family home (I assume you have family who could keep an eye on him) going to school or college locally to either Kinross or your house.

It would be foolish to not complete his service. I would also try to keep the family together.

I would genuinely think differently if this was a lifelong dream course, with career progression etc but that’s not the case. Go gently and discuss alternatives with your DS but he is only 16, he has time to figure out his next move.

Your DH has 6 years left, then will leave for his full pension I presume?
6 years isn’t too long, but still long enough.
Hopefully you’ll all come up with a solution that works for everyone.

I’ve met a few people in civilian jobs who’ve qualified for their immediate army pensions and it definitely is worth staying in another 6 years for.
It really helps with their finances.

OP leave it a few days then repost changing Oxford to Swindon or Milton Keynes and you will get a much better response as they won't be blinded by the thought of Oxbridge

@Runningupthecurtains

OP leave it a few days then repost changing Oxford to Swindon or Milton Keynes and you will get a much better response as they won't be blinded by the thought of Oxbridge

Think I need a PR team before I ever post a question again 🤣

Ah this is tricky for you OP.

I feel for you, you are being pulled about.

I personally would tell him sooner rather than later so he has time to get his head round it. But I think like PP have said, find some solutions for him. Even if some of them are that he can board in Loughborough etc. So he can see there are a range of options and so he’s not been shoe horned into something.

And I have to say, some other posters really aren’t kind. They seem to have no clue about how regular families run - there are so many challenges; for you it’s a blended family and military service, for others it could be working extremely long hours and having to commute, for others it could be financial. All these things can mean the kids can’t do what they’d ideally like to do. But life isn’t like that anyway.

Good luck, OP with the move!

@RunningFromInsanity

Your son had absolutely no connection to Oxford except he has read about a college he might like. That is not a strong enough reason to split a family and move to a new city.

I would love to work at London Zoo. Doesn’t mean my family should uproot and move hundreds of miles away for me to work there.

If you have a house in Yorkshire then I would look into the logistics of loving there and DH visiting when possible, simply because Kinloss is so remote.

Just accept he is going to be upset, let him be angry for a bit, and then help him research new options.

This makes perfect sense.

The course is only a year anyway so it seems silly to relocate an entire family for such a short period of time. But I wouldn’t rush to move a teenager to such a remote location either (I say that as someone who truly loves the Highlands and has spent a lot of time there many moons ago in my previous job). I think returning to your home is the best option, at least initially.

There is a corse for football that is very highly rated at myerscough college which is Preston way. Might be worth looking at that one as the commute would be less for your DS on weekends/ holidays.

There is also Rossall school which is private in fleetwood with a new training/ football centre that provides military discount

@waddlemyway

People saying DH should commute between Kinloss and Yorkshire NEED TO LOOK AT A MAP!

I'm planning on coming back to this thread on Friday night and taking a shot for every time someone says 'commute between Kinloss and Oxford'. FFS people.

Also it isn't 'the' Oxford.
Also the DS doesn't want to be a footballer, he's filling in a year before applying to the forces.
Also the OP is a feckin saint.

@CPL593H

There is some really good advice from people about alternatives/ways of making it work for all of you. Regarding how to tell him; I'd do it sooner rather than later so together you can explore all the options as soon as possible. It would be really sad to miss out on something because you delayed having the discussion with him and in his shoes, I'd have appreciated honesty and being treated in a more adult way.

Good luck to all of you.

I agree with this.

@NightfeedsandNetflix I do think PP are right that you need to tell him sooner rather than later.

GCSEs are still 3 mo away and it is too late to even start researching after that.

Good luck with whatever you decide on and that the posting doesn't change again!?!?!

@Runningupthecurtains

OP leave it a few days then repost changing Oxford to Swindon or Milton Keynes and you will get a much better response as they won't be blinded by the thought of Oxbridge

It’s not Oxbridge though, is it? Have rtft?

I d tell him sooner rather than later but have other collegeoptions ready for him.

There are some awesome golf courses in the area - Nairn Dunbar, comes to mind, and also Nairn GC- with some nurturing staff. Both are extremely family oriented and while not the same as football, he could be young enough to absolutely love the golfing life, and become a top greenkeeper and course manager, along the way... look at the website for these golf courses and see how they are doing so much for families and the environment.

OP , you might be better off posting on the forces sweethearts boards, lots of knowledgeable military families /ex forces posters who will be better placed to help you (not to denigrate the very good helpful responses you have had from the few voices of reason)

Don’t worry though OP, your DS will face challenges and disappointments in life it’s how you support him to face those that counts (and teenagers are far more resilient than we give them credit for)

I am laughing my ass off at the posters saying your DH should leave. My DH will have completed his 22 soon, his payout and half pension /eventual full pension payments will make our life secure and comfortable. This in turn will make our children’s lives secure and comfortable.

And FWIW all of the people we know who left after the 16 year mark regret leaving.

OP, usually I might agree with a PP who suggested a drip feeding of information, but I do think time is of the essence wrt college applications. I don't think it would be wise to delay a further 2 weeks.

At 16 they may have accom avail at the college for live in. Was chatting this through with my daughter as Husband is saying he wants to go abroad and am saying no at the moment until she is 18. Alot will depend on your child to be honest. If you are forces there may also be grants available to help with additional costs of this as well. It really will depend on your childs outlook and maturity. I would be happy with mine doing this as we have good communication and she is pretty mature

I'm surprised at all the posters who must be running two homes and living separately from their husbands so that their children can go to school in other parts of the country.

And the ones whose husbands just give up their career to move to another part of the country so their kids can go to school somewhere else.

@SockFluffInTheBath my whole point is it isn't Oxford Oxford but a huge number of people responding seem to think it is of anything Oxford United are the equivalent of a former Polytechnic in a slightly run down town that has repeatedly been turned down for city status but posters are seeing the word Oxford and losing their perspective.

Have a look at Bishop Burton if you’re happy for him to go residential somewhere. We play them at Rugby and it’s a lovely campus, has a good football offering and a variety of academic and vocational courses.

www.bishopburton.ac.uk/facilities-and-services/sport/sports-academies/football-academies

What new parent wants to be away from their baby for two years!

Any new parent who chose to join the military.

Hmmm. Tbh (I say this as a rural Scot), I wouldn't be moving an older teenager to Kinloss. It's in the middle of nowhere with not much to do, as you've rightly pointed out especially in terms of football.

However I agree that you can't break up your family.

Can he board at the Oxford course? Lots of colleges have student halls available, this is worth looking into.

@AllOfUsAreDead

I have lived in that area you are moving to. It's not an education system you want your kids in trust me. OK moray is a bit better than the Highlands, but if he goes to Inverness college he's likely to learn nothing, or nothing correct at least. One of the heads (think he may have been let go now) had a daughter in one of the classes where everyone failed. The high schools are atrocious, the kids in one of them actually had to make a video to essentially blackmail the council into putting funding towards the school to fix its issues. If you could afford it, I'd send him to gordonstoun.

Its a very pretty area of the uk. That's all its got going for it. There's almost no careers up here outside of public sector. None that pay well at least. I can only think of one company that pays OK, but you need to be a specialist. The education system is shit, the hospital is crap too (if you want more kids, there's no proper maternity services at Dr grays, so you'll be travelling for two hours to Aberdeen). The uhi is a bit of a joke to people up there, your better universities start from Aberdeen and continue south.

If I was your husband, I'd be either begging for a different location or leaving the force.

Oh give over 😂😂. I went to school up there and lived in kinloss for 15 years. It is absolutely not that bad at all. Out of my class at least 6 became doctors (and they're pretty small classes as it's so rural). Great if you're sporty and Inverness college does have a few sports courses if I remember correctly. You're also not hours and hours from civilisation like some would have you believe. Inverness airport is approx 30-40 minutes. Yes Aberdeen is further but there's a straight through train line from Inverness to Aberdeen that runs (or ran) hourly. It's not the arctic expedition some are making it out to be 🙄. And it's certainly not some backwards place where your child will go to school and come out with less knowledge than when they went. Gordonstoun is fine but also incredibly snobby, if you get a good class then great but if you're unlucky it's atrocious for bullying. Also worth thinking about (not sure how long you have to be resident to get this) if your son goes to high school to do highers or advanced highers, then in Scotland university tuition is free.

@QuillBill

I'm surprised at all the posters who must be running two homes and living separately from their husbands so that their children can go to school in other parts of the country.

And the ones whose husbands just give up their career to move to another part of the country so their kids can go to school somewhere else.

Exactly some responses on here are absolutely bonkers.