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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving my 17 year old to work abroad

229 replies

Tola39321 · 22/01/2022 17:46

So...
I am a single mother of 2. I have a 17 year old son and 3 year old daughter. Both of my children's birthdays are next month.
We live in London. I have been doing very well in
profession and for the past 4 years I have provided my children with luxuries that most could only dream of.
I decided to invest a big chunk of money in the summer (which is doing well btw) but I cannot touch my profits for another year.
Long story short, I am broke! :( I have found it so difficult to find another contract and I have bills coming out of my ears. I have recently been offered an amazing contract in the middle East. Free accommodation, free schooling for my youngest child and an amazing salary. The contract is for 6 months and I can extend the contract if I desire.
My only reservation is leaving my DS behind. He is quite upset about me leaving him in the UK. He will be staying with his father. I have explained to him that with the money I am able to save, I can ensure he has everything he needs for university in September and My DD can go to private school. I feel retched about leaving him but I feel I have no choice. I will see DS every 6 weeks when I fly him out to the middle east or when I fly back to the UK. Nothing I do or say seems to cheer him up. Help!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MissM2912 · 22/01/2022 17:50

I can see why he is upset but in this situation I think you are doing the right thing.
I have a friend who did something similar about five years ago and put her two teens in to boarding school and youngest went to Middle East. Seems to have worked out well and eldest now at uni.

nyoman · 22/01/2022 17:55

My parents moved abroad when my brother was one week over 18. It was awful for him, complete removal of a safety net. TBF he was left on his own, not with his other parent.
If he will live with his father, how much time has he spent living with his father for the past few years?

And I would never take a daughter to live in the ME.

You do have a choice. But you're choosing your profit over him. You could disinvest or sell some of those luxuries?
What line of work are you in? Lots and lots of recruitment going on at the moment.

TheUndoingProject · 22/01/2022 17:55

I think it’s pretty understandable for your child to be devastated in these circumstances. I’d never do this (why have you tied up money if it leaves you so short?), there are more important things than money and being with your children is one of them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

17 years old 3 year olds Families General parenting

FloatyBoaty · 22/01/2022 18:01

The thing is… he has to be allowed to feel how he feels, OP! Never mind “trying to cheer him up”. You want to cheer him up, so that you stop feeling guilty, I suspect (which you don’t need to- it’s something you have to do, etc) but can you not understand how he must be feeling?

I think you also need to accept the risk that this will cause a lasting rupture in your relationship that may take time to heal.

Have you thought about family therapy? You could start in person now and continue on Zoom whilst you’re in the ME. It might help you all through a difficult patch.

RancidOldHag · 22/01/2022 18:03

I can see why it's hard, but I think a teenager living with one parent whilst the other works away for 6 months is fine.

Has your DS been able to articulate why he is so very unhappy about it?

How were you going to cope if this opportunity had not come up? Can you still do that?

(And in the longer term, does DS want to go to university? How does he feel about living away from home then?)

LIZS · 22/01/2022 18:04

So he is year 12/13 ? Seems a miserable to leave him here, but at least he has his df. Will he support him? Are you sure there is a space ready and waiting for your dc2 in a good school, most internationals are oversubscribed with waiting lists. Also it is the hottest season.

Svara · 22/01/2022 18:05

Would your DS be okay if you promised to come back after the six months was up if he wasn't happy? Is it that he will miss you or that he is uncomfortable with staying with his father for whatever reason?

My parents left my sister with a family friend for six months at 16 (no return visits), came back for six months then left her in the family home with our other sister at 17 for two years. She was absolutely fine but also glad to be left.

Ihavenoideawhereitis · 22/01/2022 18:09

You're asking strangers if it's OK to leave him, when your ds has already told you it is not. Maybe you should listen to him.

BrambleRoses · 22/01/2022 18:11

How difficult. I guess he’s doing A levels … there’s no way you could start after he’s done his exams?

JugglingJanuary · 22/01/2022 18:11

Why did you spend all the money on luxuries with no thought for stability for your children?

As an aside I would not go to the ME as a single woman, with a 3yo DD.

What job will you be doing?

It's no wonder your DS isn't happy about it.

GrapefruitPink · 22/01/2022 18:12

I mean 6 months away, DS with his dad sounds fine on paper but in reality I would be heartbroken if one of my parents done this to me at 17 tbh.

What plan B had this job not come up?

Notmrsfitz · 22/01/2022 18:13

What about- not leaving him behind?
Taking him too and putting his education on hold and him having an experience in the Middle East with you? Kind of like a pre gap year.
Yes I understand he has exams he has college etc but this is an awesome opportunity for him to travel too !!

Cheerfulcharlie · 22/01/2022 18:16

No advice on the main question you are asking but as an aside, just beware that if you do less than one full tax year (your time must include a full 12 months April to April-or more if you do not start in April) in the Middle East you will still have to pay UK income tax on your salary over there.

LondonWolf · 22/01/2022 18:16

I've spent a lot of time in the ME. I would totally do this and I really wouldn't be surprised if your son is actually happy about it once he's been out for a few visits and seen what a great life it can be. Anyway you could get him out there pretty soon after the move? So he feels part of it too?

MaizeAmaze · 22/01/2022 18:17

I think the timing is wrong for such a move.
I can see why you would be interested, but your DS has made his feelings clear, and I think you need to listen to him.
However, how long would it take for visas etc to be sorted? Could you go after his exams (I'm assuming year 13 here?) with him for the - blistering hot- summer, then him return to the UK in September to do whatever his next step after school is?

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/01/2022 18:19

I'm with those who wouldn't go as a single woman with a child. Or leave my teen in his last year at school.

This would not be an option for me at all.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 22/01/2022 18:23

Investing money that you can't afford and moving abroad without one of your children are both quite drastic actions. You say you have no choice but I'm concerned this is an impulse decision you haven't thought through. I have no doubt you'd find a way to stay in the UK if you really wanted to.

draramallama · 22/01/2022 18:25

Broke broke or can't-afford-luxuries-and-private-school broke?

You can't be that broke if you have investments, even if you're choosing not to pay penalties for accessing early.

WhenPushComesToShove · 22/01/2022 18:26

Of course he's upset; you have shown him very clearly that you are prioritising money and ignoring his needs. You will never get this time back as before long he'll be off to uni. He won't forget and neither would I. This will change your relationship going forward and maybe one day when you need him, he may not prioritise you.

LondonWolf · 22/01/2022 18:28

OP most people commenting won't have lived in the ME so aren't posting with any real knowledge. Personally I'd bring him out there with me beforehand so he can see what it's like. I have teens who have spent time there and if this opportunity came up for me they'd be shoving me to take it because they loved it there.

TracyMosby · 22/01/2022 18:29

He is with his father. He may choose a gap year after his exams and come to you. He will be fine.

shivawn · 22/01/2022 18:30

Hmmm to me, leaving him with his dad for 6 months at 17 years old sounds fine, you're not leaving him alone. I moved a 12 hour bus ride away on my own for college when I was 17. He does sound quite attached to you if he is so upset though. Is he close to his dad?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 22/01/2022 18:35

DH’s mum went to work in Switzerland when he was that age. His parents were still married so in that respect it was different but it worked well and he appreciated the independence and the Swiss holidays. (And now we appreciate knowing she is financially secure as a result so we don’t need to worry.)

maffhew · 22/01/2022 18:38

Why did you spend all the money on luxuries with no thought for stability for your children?

This. You've lived the high life and now have nothing to show for it and your son will pay the consequences.

Kids need stability not luxury.

Longcovid21 · 22/01/2022 18:41

Bring him with you?

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