I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

@DLizzie how judgemental are you? Not everyone enjoys parenting all of the time and it is absolutely fine to have a safe space to vent. Better venting on here than to her child. And if you aren't happy with the people on this forum, as you seem not to be, you can always leave 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just checking back into the thread after a long day. DS has just been put to bed by me 10 minutes ago - he’s quietish but also making the odd sound like he might start crying. I’m waiting next door and hoping he nods off.

Thanks @pansiesareyellow - I’m going to try that if needed.

@EnglishRose1320 thanks - how did you eventually discover it was glue ear?

He’s still giving out random cries but also yawning a bit. It’s been almost 45 minutes now. I’m trying to focus on the acceptance thing but god knows I’ve beyond had enough.

Still awake, crying and calling out for his dad. Feel like my life is over.

@anonforthis88 is he actually crying like upset crying or is it just like a noise.... if you know what i mean?

Oh OP. My 20 month old is doing the same thing at the moment, but at 2am rather than 9pm. What the devil is going on with these tiny people?? I feel like I'm at the newborn stage again, but without the lovely mat leave to soften the blow.

I'm sorry. It's so shit. I hope its a phase that passes very very soon x

Agree with the points up thread about acceptance. It really helps. Think of this like a rainy summer. It’s miserable, it’s depressing, it’s ruining your plans. But it’s not personal, it will end, and what you can do is work around it.

So I would completely stop trying to change your DS’s sleep right now. Your evenings are going to be spent sorting him. That’s shit. What do you have that’s good? Can you…

Change the morning routine so you can get a longer lie in sometimes?
Get some childcare during the day so that you can spend some time with your DH?
Find a good book/online game/something you can do on your phone while you’re doing the endless soothing? (I got addicted to FarmVille, but that was just me…)
GET OFF the social media because the last thing you need to see is the apparently perfect parents
Actively plan for the evening with your DS. Like if you had to work a shift in the evening. It wouldn’t come as a horrible shock, you’d have figured with your DH who was washing up/whatever so that the worker got a bit of rest before their shift starts. And if you’re unexpectedly not needed for that shift, then that’s a happy bonus.

Hang in there and keep venting as needed

He’s had some Calpol as a precautionary measure. He seems to swallow it better now so that’s something. DH cuddling him to sleep again now.

@LiG123 it started off as just a noise, but then eventually turned into a sort of high pitched proper cry, at which point we went in.

Same here @WhoIsBernieBrown! I think I naively thought that once they hit toddlerhood they would reliably sleep through. Hollow laugh.

@AllotmentTime some really good ideas there, thank you

What I’m worried about is that he’s clearly going to get used to this routine of DH cuddling him to sleep every night. Will he just snap out of it once this phase is over or will we need to try sleep training?

We had that phase with DD and essentially it stayed until she was 2 and 1/2 roughly. We got out of it when she was old enough to understand “stay in bed and we’ll come check on you in 5 mins”. We practiced this in the daytime with super fast “checks” so that she felt reassured we would come and was cheerful about it. Lots of praise for staying in bed. Gradually lengthened out the checks until she was in the habit of staying in bed. Gro clock helped too. But it’s a really hard question to answer, they’re all different!

We also co-slept, which I saw you’d mentioned- we had long sleeved pjs and the duvet at waist height, and a mesh barrier thing- can’t think of the word, but you know what I mean- thing to stop them falling out.

The nice thing about having more than one child is that when they are difficult in completely different ways, you realise that the first ones awkward points were not your fault. Granted having a second is a rather drastic way to get that reassurance, though, so please just take my word for it

You seem to have discounted letting him cry it out. I’d say give that a go for a few nights. Sure, it will be horribly stressful whilst you try it, but might break the cycle. And kids need happy parents. What you’re going through sounds unsustainable. So what if other people judge (you said this was a fear of yours.) He’s not going to be damaged for life because you let him cry himself to exhaustion for a night or too. But it might let you get your evenings and your sanity back. Which you need to raise a child.

A night or two* I meant. Typo!

Sleep training. I'll say it again. Sleep training.

Ironically your toddler is actually being training right now that if he wakes up and cries mum/dad will come in for cuddles.

Exhausted/anxious parents and a babe not sleeping properly is not healthy for anyone. I personally don't understand why sleep training is seen almost as abuse on MN.

Routine is key, bath, cuddles, bed, book, sleep. Same time and rhythm every night. You need to learn the different cries (I want cuddles vs I'm upset/there's something wrong). If the babe is upset, pop in with no talking and no lights on. Rub on the back/bum/whatever works. As you all get used to this, it should resolve most times.

There will be some nights where your babe needs you and to be held and that's ok! Sleep training does not mean that you 100% leave the baby alone.

If you can afford it, I strongly recommend paying a professional to help out - they are incredible. My best friend's toddler became an incredible sleeper after 3 nights once my best friend/her husband learnt what to do.

Thanks all. It’s 4am and he’s awake and crying.

I’m awake too with my little one. You’re not alone.

I don’t think anyone prepared you for how hard the sleepless nights are but they do end.

Even if you decided not to sleep train and or do anything about sleep, your little one would still eventually learn to sleep through. It is developmental.

I say that because there is so much sleep stuff out there proclaiming sleep must be fixed and if you don’t sort it out asap then children will never ever learn to sleep and it’s all BS!

Sleep train if it’s right for you and your family but know that if you choose to carry on cuddling/rocking etc for now, it won’t be what you have to do for ever. You haven’t caused this and your little one isn’t purposely trying to manipulate you for cuddles etc. it’s just biologically normal for them to need you in the night.

It's a horrible stage but you need to try and (in the nicest way) pull yourself together a wee bit. Your life isn't over, your baby is just waking up a few times in the night. It's happened to most of us and yes it's soul destroying and relentless, but saying things like I can't cope with this my life is over etc isnt helping you. The truth is you can and will deal with this and you will get your life back. In the darkest moments try and focus on that point in your future where you'll be going to bed at night knowing you'll get a full night's sleep. It will happen. You will do it.

Please ask for a GP appointment to check his ears out. One of mine had glue ear and night wakening was the indicator as to when they were bothering her. A different one suffered dreadfully when teething- fun times!

@Amammai

I’m awake too with my little one. You’re not alone.

I don’t think anyone prepared you for how hard the sleepless nights are but they do end.

Even if you decided not to sleep train and or do anything about sleep, your little one would still eventually learn to sleep through. It is developmental.

I say that because there is so much sleep stuff out there proclaiming sleep must be fixed and if you don’t sort it out asap then children will never ever learn to sleep and it’s all BS!

Sleep train if it’s right for you and your family but know that if you choose to carry on cuddling/rocking etc for now, it won’t be what you have to do for ever. You haven’t caused this and your little one isn’t purposely trying to manipulate you for cuddles etc. it’s just biologically normal for them to need you in the night.

100% this

It's not as easy as "just sleep train". There could be multitude of reasons why baby is waking and it might not feel right for you as a family to sleep train which is fine. Lots of people I know who sleep trained have had to keep re-training their baby with every new leap and development as baby starts waking up again - so it's not necessarily the "fix" people always make it out to be.

Don't feel you can't offer comfort at night if this is what feels right for you - the "making a rod for your own back" stuff is a load of rubbish. They do just sleep eventually and they sleep through more regularly as they get older irregardless of what you do - as sleep is a developmental process.

@anonforthis88 I couldn't read this and not comment. You are far from a shit parent, you have sought an appropriate outlet where you can vent and ask for advice.

It sounds like you're having a pretty shit time of it at the minute, just gonna say it how it is! My DD is 22months and I'm right there with you, we're having an awful time with sleep at the minute (although it has coincided with her pre-molars coming in so at least I can guess a lot of is pain related).

Please don't worry about 'bad habits' being formed if they make your life easier now, if they don't make your life easier now, try something else that might (even if that might be sleep training).

Personally, I don't believe in sleep training but I can tell you something, I would never judge anyone that did it. Everyone has a different tolerance of sleep deprivation and what their mental health can manage and if something works for you and makes you a happier, healthier person, bloody go for it.

As for instagram and facebook, try to remember anything you see is a snapsnot of a good time, minutes, even seconds before that photo is taken it could have been a completely different story. Not sure if you follow biglittlefeelings already but I find them so honest with what daily life with a toddler looks like, and they share 'meltdown mondays' which really reassures you that others are also having a shit time of it.

I know it's hard (I could've cried last night at 4am when my DD woke for the 4th time - and wouldn't settle for 40 minutes each time) but try to focus on the positives. It sounds like you have an incredibly supportive DH who isn't afraid to be right in the thick of it with you. You are both your DS's world and it's nice that he seeks comfort in the both of you when he's having a tough time.

I think you would benefit from some time with just you and your partner, I'd enlist someone you trust and be honest. My in-laws looked after our DD a few months ago while we went for a meal and I told them she might not sleep easily and they just looked me dead in the eye and said 'One night of difference won't kill her, if she's upset we'll bring her downstairs and she can watch tv with us'. She didn't go to sleep easily for them, they did bring her downstairs, she did watch tv, she then fell asleep and they put her in her cot. We got home around 11pm, I expected for her to wake a lot... but no, she slept through. So they were right, one night didn't kill her, but it did re-energise us.

Wishing you all the best for a restful evening and good nights sleep. My inbox is always open if you want to lament to someone going through something similar.

Hi OP I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has been said over and over again, but it sounds to me as though you should get a sleep consultant and try some sleep training. I've been where you are (twice) and it's just not worth it! Yes it'll prob involve some crying (obviously I will be slayed alive for this by other Mumsnetters) but in my limited experience they will quickly master the beautiful art of sleep, you will get your evenings back and you'll kick yourself for not having done it sooner. We used Katie Fischer. Both my kids sleep through every night except when poorly. And they still love me (and I them) Sending sympathy as when you're in the trenches it is really really shit.

I feel for you. I have a almost 4 year old and almost 6 year old. Always been bad sleepers but over the last 6 months have got incredibly worse. Eldest won't sleep alone any longer and neither will the youngest. We have tried putting them in together but they mess around till almost midnight. If the youngest falls asleep first, which is very rare my eldest will wake her as she cant go to sleep before her apparently. I'm completely exhausted and so is DP. We spend every night going to bed later and later, battling with each child. They both wake in the night as well. Mornings are an absolute nightmare especially when they are at school. Always late and they spend the school run screaming they are tired. I'm starting to feel poorly all the time.

Thanks all. I haven't fully read the posts yet (will try to later on) but we're into another night of absolute screaming.

I took DS up for his milk and he burst into floods of tears and shouted for his dad. DH then took over, cuddled DS for half an hour after milk, put him down in his cot and he started absolutely screaming again and asking for cuddles. We both feel so guilty at leaving him to scream when he's asking for a cuddle. But it's almost 9.30!!!

He's generally been a good sleeper until this terrible phase. I just don't know what has happened.

DH tried leaving him for five minutes - as soon as he went back in the screaming stops and he's asking for toys and fine and even laughing again. So I really don't think he's in pain.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I have been where you are, but my 2.5 year old has been sleeping through for a good few months now. This is without any sleep training, and until very recently she was breastfed to sleep. So please try not to worry about creating 'bad habits'.

DD went through a similar stage of waking around an hour after being put down and not settling for a couple of hours. We found it helped to push bedtime later as she was treating the earlier bedtime as a nap. We don't let her sleep later than 7am and limit her nap to 1 hour. Some babies just don't need as much sleep.

Also agree with PP about acceptance being key, and trying to remember that as frustrating as it can be they aren't doing it on purpose. Things will get better.