I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

Sorry to hear that OP
It's hard work isn't it? When I started feeling like you we decided to sleep train. She started sleeping through the night and settling herself to sleep which made a massive difference.
She's 7 now and I can confirm that she's not mentally scarred from being sleep trained 😬😂

One thing someone said to me that resonated when my DCs were very young. For some reason I used to get very stressed if they didn’t eat their dinner and someone one day said to me, “Remember, the baby doesn’t know you spent ages preparing this.”
That struck me, as I realised I had been taking it all very personally, feeling angry and resentful that the baby was so ungrateful and unappreciative. It completely reframed how I approached the whole thing and I lightened up a lot after that. For the baby it really is not personal - that’s all in the adult’s head.
As a pp here wisely said - acceptance is a great way to approach baby-rearing.

The baby does not know you are tired!

Sorry to hear it's so hard atm OP

I agree with the acceptance thing that definitely really helped me and completely lower my expectations for everything else in my life and I guess it's just helped me think this is a limited period of time where my DC needs me so much and someday in near future it won't be that way. It is ridiculously hard when you're both working though - we've had a rethink on that too as there's no way I want another DC with both of us working it's just no quality of life is it, but we're quite lucky we can make some changes and I know not everyone can.

We coslept and still do but had to really think about the set up and do it properly as like you I was worried about various things it took some time for me to get comfortable but we're fine now and use a floor bed in DC's room (he never went in a cot that was the biggest waste of money)

Is there anyone you could chat to about how you feel atm? Could this just be a low point or if it feels something more you could have a chat with GP ?

My 16mo still wake me like 10 times a night… it’s not a regression. He’s just always been like that. Wakes and wants the boob nonstop. Think he slept more as a newborn zzZZZzzz

@Tomlettegregg I think I used Gina Ford's routines loosely from maybe 3-4 months? I ignored the feeding times, just fed on demand, and pretty much just used her midday nap and established a bedtime routine. Did controlled crying at a later point, about 11 months with DS1, gave up with DS2 till he was 18 months because he was really resistant and I was coping OK with night waking and feeding him back to sleep - 18 months was my limit though. Got lucky with DD (20 months), she has periods where she wakes often, but she goes back to sleeping through after her illness has passed or her new tooth has erupted.

So here's me recommending Gina and not actually really doing Gina especially I would also never wake a sleeping child to fit in to The Routine... I love the lunchtime nap and bed by 7pm though, they're definitely my Gina Ford takeaway points and elements I tried to establish from 6 months onwards.

My DD certainly sleeps better in a room or bed with us. Trouble is, we don't! I can just about stand it for one night but I feel constantly on edge.

I was once where you were OP - I was exhausted, angry, fed-up and the constant sleepless nights were excruciating. Me and my husband were arguing all the time because I was so so tired and snappy and just generally feeling very bleak about life. I used to dread the days with my son and I used to dread the nights - and this was only when he was 10 months old!!

I did sleep train, but under the guidance of a qualified sleep consultant and I didn’t give a sh*t if anyone judged me. They weren’t walking in my shoes so had no place to judge.

It was the best £100 I had ever spent and within a week I had a different baby and life started to look brighter again.

I hope your baby is safe and that you've calmed down this morning. If you really can't stand being a parent ... what are you going to do? You can give him up for adoption, it is an option. Some people should never be parents and the rght thing to do if you recognise that is to allow your child to go to people who desperately do want to be parents. It's a huge thing but not impossible

Fucking hell.

OP- you need a break. My DD2 gets hysterical when I leave her but she’s fine once she realises I’m gone & she’s with family she love. I went on honeymoon this summer without my kids (who are 4 & 22 months) for 5 whole days! DD2 cried & cried but then didn’t cry again the entire time!

In the kindest way, you are being VERY defeatist. Every suggestion, you are batting back that it won’t work. Well, it won’t if you don’t try. Find a way to get calpol down your kid. Spoon/syringe/pinning him down and forcing it in (they’d do this in hospital if he needed it).. you aren’t being cruel, it’s for his own good. Small amounts, 1ml at a time.

Take a break. Arrange childcare for a day at the weekend & go have a lovely day with your husband. Make this a regular thing, once a month or something. As a PP said, book a days annual leave together when he’s at nursery! Carve out some time.

This evening crying will pass. With my first, I catastrophised everything. Every phase I thought would last forever. But they don’t. With DD2, I don’t stress. Yes, it’s not easy to loose your evenings for a while but they’ll come back. DD2 is the same age as yours and actually doing something similar at the mo. We take it in turns & so long as one of us gets a break to watch TV, that’s fine. It’s not together but it will be in a few days/weeks!

This will pass OP. And in the midst of your anger & annoyance, remember he’s your little boy. He’s still so small & desperate for mummy or daddy to give him comfort. You are his whole world. The people who bring him the most comfort, the place where he feels safe & loved. That’s all he wants. And it’s hard, it’s relentless, I’ve been cross & angry myself plenty of times but ultimately, this is what it boils down too. He’s not purposefully trying to annoy you.

I hope you are OK. It’ll pass.

Thanks @badgeronamoped yes we do bed by 7 and shes always had a lunch nap around 12 but she used to wake at 5.30 religiously so it was a real effort to get her to 7 if she refused her arvo nap which she now constantly does. We do 3 hour wake windows but sure it'll change. Hoping the waking in the night is another phase. Kind of can't believe she needs 2 feeds plus 4 in the day and all the food but she's on the fifth percentile so I need to let it go.

I’ve not had time to respond to the replies as today has been busy, but we’re having another bad night tonight - DH put him down at 8.45 and he cried hysterically for five minutes, so DH has gone back in. I’m currently eating the dinner I made for the two of us on my own.

This will pass OP. And in the midst of your anger & annoyance, remember he’s your little boy. He’s still so small & desperate for mummy or daddy to give him comfort. You are his whole world. The people who bring him the most comfort, the place where he feels safe & loved. That’s all he wants. And it’s hard, it’s relentless, I’ve been cross & angry myself plenty of times but ultimately, this is what it boils down too. He’s not purposefully trying to annoy you.

@Bobholll I might actually screenshot this comment to look at in times like this. Thanks x

Every time DH leaves the room he just screams and cries! It’s 9.30, he must be exhausted, surely!!

Have you managed to give him some pain relief this evening?

I remember 4 nights in a row sat with my hand through the cot bars for hours. Turned out to be viral ear ache!

No I haven’t as I don’t think he’s in any pain - he’s been really happy and charging around all day. But perhaps I should just give a dose of Calpol just in case?

Eat and tooth pain both feel worse when you're tired and when you lay down!

Eat = ear!!!

Hi op just to say I too really struggle and catastrophise when my DS goes through bad sleep phases. But yes to the calpol, as PP said ear and tooth pain often only shows at night, ear pain especially can ease when they’re held upright (being cuddled). Best of luck xx

For ear and tooth pain can a doctor actually advice. I think the OP and lots of mums with young bubs are hesitant to be too liberal with calpol if you're not sure theyre ill..

I think it's just habit OP please don't give medicine for the sake of 'it could be...'

One thing I don't think had been mentioned is would you lengthen the day time nap?

Sounds a bit like over tired too.

Strong believer in sleep promotes sleep!
3yr old still does 12hr by night 2-3 by day. But we are very active so he does need it.

It is hard OP!!

Mine is 11 months and I get virtually zero time to myself (occasionally a shower alone!) and even less with my partner

I get into bed and feed her to sleep at 7, then I usually sneak off around 8 and if I'm lucky she won't wake until we go up to bed at 9:30 but often she does wake after an hour (or less) and then it's another 20 minutes settling her.

God help me when I'm back at work next month!

God I love her though. I want more but it's so bloody hard.

I try not to listen to people when they say it carries on till their 2, 3, 4, 5 etc I just think, it comes in waves and some days/weeks are easier than others and I KNOW she needs me less now then she did and that will continue the older she gets. In her whole life, these years are tiny in the scheme of things. Sometimes I fantasise about what she will be like when she's 6 and how wonderful our little family will be.

It is so hard though. You're obviously an amazing mother, I can tell when I read your posts. You're giving everything you have to your boy.

I have no qualms whatsoever about giving Calpol as a precaution TBH - if I give one dose and I’ve made a mistake and he doesn’t need it, then it’s hardly going to hurt, especially since he’s only had it about 10 times since birth. But I genuinely don’t think he’s in pain at the moment - he just wants cuddles.

He’s been screaming again tonight after being put down in his cot, so DH is upstairs again cuddling him to sleep. I’m just worried we’re getting into a habit where he’s working our screaming = cuddles for two hours every night.