I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

Ignore the adoption comment. That must be a troll. Pathetic.

anonforthis88 I'm so sorry you're feeling like this
I did too - especially with DC1 who was a crazy screamer and barely slept. The baby/toddler years are fucking relentless. We are about 6 years past that and DH still mentions how awful it was. That doesn't help you except to say hand on heart it does get better, slowly and surely the good will outweigh the bad and you'll start getting enough sleep and rest time. For the moment, take all the you time you can, and rant on here or to people IRL

We hired a sleep trainer calked Andrea Grace who was recommended on here. I don't know if she is still going as dd is nearly 14. Categirically it has not scarred her. It stopped me from completely losing the plot.

You hate being a parent because your child wakes up for one hour a night, really???? I wish my dc were as "hard work" as yours

I breastfed and co slept downstairs for the first 6 months with each of my 5 babies. Then that was it.

Did not have sleep monitors, did not go back downstairs once. Did they cry overnight? Have no idea. So they were asleep trained from 6 months I guess.

We were dog tired working and doing housework and doing up the house at the time and looking after the animals so we were exhausted. So zero guilt.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture so we knew we needed our sleep no matter what.

Our DC are aged 19-27 and been to uni/ in good jobs.

So do what it takes op, your mental health needs to come first

You hate being a parent because your child wakes up for one hour a night, really???? I wish my dc were as "hard work" as yours

Unhelpful and inaccurate. OP clearly states it's not just 1 hour of waking, it's the combination of sleep deprivation, work, housework, never having an evening off, never having a break. That has got to all of us at some point. Would you like a medal for dealing with your far more "hard work" DCs? You certainly don't deserve one for empathy.

@anonforthis88

god bless her she just wants me to play with her all day

My DS doesn’t play on his own for a second, so when he’s awake it’s just constant.

People often tell you it’s so hard, but until you have them, you just don’t fully understand what that means in real terms. Well I didn’t anyway.

I agree, I’m not ashamed to say it came as an almighty shock to me. I think it was because I assumed having a baby would be ‘hard’ in the context I was used to - eg my job is quite hard, doing half marathons is hard etc. Looking after a 20 month old (I am also the proud owner of one) is a whole different kettle of fish! He also won’t play on his own for a second. We are lucky that he’s currently in a pretty good sleep phase (could all change tomorrow…) but it’s still pretty relentless, even if he is bloody gorgeous and when I’m at work I miss him terribly (despite looking forward to work for a bit of a break!). I feel for you x

[quote anonforthis88]@A580Hojas I will not be putting my child up for adoption because he’s my whole world and life wouldn’t be worth living if he was taken away from me. That doesn’t mean I’m not struggling with being a parent right now.[/quote]
Glad to hear it and I'm so pleased you got some sleep.

@Bakingwithmyboys

Your not going to want to hear this but I found acceptance was key.

Once I accepted the fact I would spend hours of my evening and DS1's beside, it was easier.

Once I accepted the fact I was a zombie at work as if been awake multiple times in the night, it was easier.

Once I accepted the fact that no matter how much bum tapping/shushing/hand resting on back I did he would sleep in his own time, it was easier.

(This sounds so hippie and I am not a hippy mum at all!)

Right now your exhausted/stressed and fighting a battle. It's bloody hard.

Maybe rather than alternate nights, do 2 in a row. Then you get 2 nights of headspace rather than 1.

Just to point out DS1 is 7 now and I feel like the bedtime cuddles are getting shorter. Which in a way is sad, but if you'd told me that when he was around 2 I would have cheered.

This reminds me of an Italian woman who I barely knew saying to me when my DS was about same age as OP's and I was talking to her about how generally full on it all was,

"Well that's life now, it's best just to accept that!" with a shrug...

I felt a bit at the time - but it's stuck with me all these years - and I now realise (although a bit brutal at the time) it was one of the most useful bits of advice.

The acceptance point is such a good one. I find that when I lose my shit it's usually because I've allowed myself to think about what else I could be doing (sleeping/resting) or to think about how much I loved my old life. So dangerous! Best not to go there in my head.

Is there any support in your local area. Our childrens centres do sleep training courses for parents. My ds didn't sleep till about two. Does dc have a dummy cause waking fir dummy can cause sleep issues. Also dc needs to be going to sleep in the room you want them to sleep in and ideally putting self to sleep. I'm guessing you have read up on sleep have you tried the slowly move away one ? (Prob had a real name) where you do stay in room but gradually reduce contact so reduce from cuddles to hand on chest, couple fingers on chest, hand on hand, no contact but in the room. You basically get to point where you are sat at door. I honestly can't remember what worked for my lo, I know stopping feeding, ditching dummy and putting him down awake helped but at some point he just got it. He's 6 and been sleeping 8-7 for four years. It really does get easier but you do need to learn to accept your life is different now comparing it to child free people will not help. But you can take time for yourself to see friends or do exercise or what ever makes you happy. Is there other areas of your life you can make easier while going through this difficult period.

It's miserable op, I understand. 20 months is a shit age I don't care what anyone says. Any age under 3 was a shit age for mine, and he was a 'good' baby by all standards. I'm not having any more as I found it so hard the first time round. He's now 4 and it's getting easier but can still feel relentless. Parenting is pretty shit no matter how much you adore them. If I could have my time again and know how hard it was well I'm sure my life would be very different.

Ha - adoption?! What a ridiculous suggestion to a parent coming to a parenting website for advice.

One thing that I’ve found in my admittedly limited experience is; most either forget completely how fucking awful most of it is or it wasn’t that awful for them. Who actually wants to be woken up every 2 hours or more at night? Who actually wants to listen to a baby crying endlessly? Who actually wants to rock and shh/pat until your back is in agony?

Literally nobody.. we do it because these tiny humans are our world, an extension of us, therefore it’s not an option to not do it.

Parenting can be crap, parenting can be great, it’s a life long commitment and just because you hate the first few years where they’re totally dependent (they can’t even fucking burp/fart on their own.. come on) that doesnt mean you want to give them up to someone else.

Can you put him in nursery an extra morning / afternoon? Lots of people do.

@Clearlynotmyname

You hate being a parent because your child wakes up for one hour a night, really???? I wish my dc were as "hard work" as yours

Unhelpful and inaccurate. OP clearly states it's not just 1 hour of waking, it's the combination of sleep deprivation, work, housework, never having an evening off, never having a break. That has got to all of us at some point. Would you like a medal for dealing with your far more "hard work" DCs? You certainly don't deserve one for empathy.

Wasn't trying to be nasty and no I don't deserve a medal That's the point. Nobody deserves a medal for being a parent. It's tough for us all. I'm pouting out that her dc wakes up for one almost a night what did she expect?? Yes it's hard work with housework, work, sleep deprivation etc but as people have pointed out this is the new normal this is what it's like with kids. I feel as sorry for her as I feel for any mum with young kids.

Hi OP, you've had a few really shitty comments on here and shame on the thoughtless idiots that have posted them. But also some brilliant advice @LimeWire whose post was phenomenal, read it and re read it, everything she says is true.

Listen, I felt like you so much with my first, everything felt like such a struggle. By the time I had my fourth (!) it was so so much easier. Do you know why? My expectations were virtually zero. If we had a shit night, I knew it was just a shit night and not forever. Go easy on yourself and your DS, you will get there eventually. Day by day. Love to you x

@anonforthis88

DS sleeps for about 45 minutes to an hour over lunchtime usually. He went through a phase of refusing the lunchtime nap but is back on them thankfully. Then he will usually sleep for 10-11 hours at night.

I honestly look at child-free by choice couples I know and think how smart they are for making that decision. I love DS but am really struggling right now.

I'd be careful assuming the grass is always greener for others - sometimes people may look (even say) they are child free by choice - and appear to be having a great life going out and on lots of holidays etc.

But in fact they are TTC, have been for four years, and have a miscarriage at 12-weeks behind them, multiple tests, and are now doing IVF. But won't be telling anyone as it's just too painful. And the holidays just paper over the cracks of sadness of yet another period and no BFP. And life feels quite thin, despite holidays, etc.

Just saying this because things aren't always as they seem, and sometimes it can be helpful to know that so you do not end up feeling others are living the Best Life, when in fact they may ironically be looking at you and wishing they were in your shoes.

I know that it still doesn't make the utter relentlessness of early parenthood any easier when you are going through it - but it can help not to feel everyone else has it totally sorted.

@anonforthis88

Also, the acceptance point is really helpful, thank you.

It's true. Once you accept your evenings are wrecked, you start to relax about it all. It's the only way I was able to cope years ago.

Think worse case scenario, and anything is a bonus that you can do that evening.

I liked LimeWire's post a lot. I hope you are in a better place now, LimeWire.

For me the bleakest time was later on, ages 3 to 7, but I now know DD has ADHD and ASD (there's a strong association with sleep problems). I know a lot of friends found 0-2 hardest though.

DH and I have tag teamed for 9 years now and while it's really strained our relationship, it's definitely a way to get through bringing up a demanding child.

Good luck OP - this is a particularly difficult time of year with the dark mornings and evenings and the enjoyment (if any!) of Christmas over

Do use AL and nursery and PIL to get the odd day off if you can. Try not to feel guilty. Your wellbeing is crucial to everyone else's.

I remember one of the hardest times being when they had a good routine of going to bed getting your evenings back and then losing them!! YANBU

In terms of him waking in the evenings - what is his exact routine of nap and bedtime - those are his sleep props/cues. He may have some mild discomfort from teething or ear ache so not enough for it to be obvious but enough to disturb him in his light sleep cycle.

Co-sleeping - could you have his cot next to your bed? Personally I couldn't sleep with them in the room but DH could

Do you know why he is hysterical with calpol? Is it the same with ibuprofen, or linked to a time of foul tasting antibiotics?

You could get him used to taking liquids he likes via a medicine syringe (the completely blunt ended ones) also some different brands of infant paracetamol that taste different and are at least colourless.

When DH and I were at the end of our tether we decided that out evening started at 8.30 which removed the frustration when they didn't go down at the usual 7pm - psychologically it helped.

@anonforthis88 I remember this well and it was horrible (didn't last as long for us). Will he sleep being cuddled while you watch TV in a dark living room? In terms of co-sleeping, I had an adult Gro-bag (yes they do make them!) and the little one went in his own Gro-bag. Both warm, no risk of suffocating with a duvet. Is it being held that he needs? Would an appropriately aged weighted blanket (if safe) and some white noise of a heartbeat help? You may need to reframe your 'evening', accept that he does one cycle of sleeping, then wakes and then goes back and then your evening begins.

I did consult a sleep consultant (although never saw her, thanks COVID), but she said to me that I needed to lean into the periods where he did sleep. For me that meant napping with the baby. My then 4 year old watched A LOT of TV during lockdown one....

it is very very hard

I get this. I'd actually rather have some brief middle of the night wakings and free time in the evenings given a choice. This sounds bloody draining.

@BitcherOfBlakiven my granny is 95 but this is exactly what she said about her 3 dc - if her third had been her first she would only have had one! I had a nightmare first baby but despite my second being twins, they were fab babies because they slept! Dd1 is now almost 14 and she’s the most amazing teen. She’s great to hang out with and I know her so well. We’re really close and she’s open with me. I’d take a nightmare baby over a nightmare teen (long may that last)

Longer term can you move jobs? It sounds like that is making you really unhappy and you spend a lot of time there

On the Calpol issue (that he hates it) are you using the sugar-free one or the classic sugar one?

Mine could not stand the sugar-free one and I assume the chemical sugar alternative tasted bitter to him – and some children react to particular artificial sweeteners - but he was fine with the sugar one.

So may be worth trying the old classic version?