I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

Just a quick thought OP and could be way off base, do you offer little one a drink of water when he wakes in the night?

At the minute when my DD wakes she will "settle" if I go into her but not fully unless I give her a drink of water. So she will fall asleep with just a cuddle but usually wakes as soon as I leave her, if I give her a drink of water she settles fully a lot quicker. I figured it's because it's winter and the radiators are on more frequently maybe the air is drier in her room, making her thirsty.

Might be something worth trying if you haven't already. Apologies if it doesn't help though!

I wouldn’t offer the full cuddle. Keep the interaction to a minimum and say: Mummy/Daddy will give you a pat. And just pat. The idea is to first lose reliance on the cuddle, then just to pat, then slowly reduce the amount of patting till at a wake up you can basically do a single pat and tuck in.

He may not accept this but as someone who wouldn’t do CIO I find saying ‘I am here for reassurance but you have to meet me half way’. And keep at it for a few weeks. They are stubborn. At some point he’ll work out that this is what he’s getting. Also in the day talk about what happens when he wakes up. No cuddle, only pats. Keep repeating ad nauseous. Repeat when he goes to bed. Just reinforce the same message. You are in the room. He’s not being abandoned. But you can’t hold him all night.

I have friends who did sleep training and it worked very well for all concerned—their children are now grown up into fine young people and there is zero sign of scarring/trauma. You can avoid being judged by not volunteering information about what you are doing.

Op I feel your pain. When my little one goes through stages of being really unsettled and needing me lots in the night it really triggers me. Rather than get angry and annoyed I tend to just cry and feel desperate.

I actually suffer from postnatal depression and my baby’s sleep is very entwined with my mood.

I managed to work out with a therapist that throughout my whole childhood I felt like I didn’t matter (eldest of 4 kids) and so when my baby woke in the night it triggered a life time of feeling that what I wanted/needed didn’t matter.

Understanding this really helped me as like you I catastrophised and judged myself (I’m a shit mum because I find responding to my baby hard etc).

I say this just to offer no practical advice on your babes sleep but just a different perspective.

Understanding why I felt the way I did about my baby’s sleep actually helped me to be more accepting of it. Sending love

@Onlyinstillwaters thanks for your post, it really helped

We had a slightly better time last night. DH cried for four or five minutes after I left the room, then was randomly unsettled on and off again around 45 minutes later. After that he was quiet for the rest of the night.

I just wish he didn’t go to sleep so late - I want my evenings back!

He’s just been put down and is screaming for Dad again. It’s awful, what are we meant to do. Just leave him screaming?! Send dad in to cuddle him to sleep for an hour?!! I can’t cope.

I feel so low mentally. I NEED some spare time!!!!

Take it in turns with you DH to settle him or bring him back downstairs for half an hour then try bedtime again. It won’t last forever. My DS was a really rubbish sleeper and around that age wouldn’t sleep until 8:30 or later but once he dropped his naps at around 2 and a half he started going to bed at 6:30pm and we had a full evening all of a sudden.

I think it's time for some tough love I'm afraid.

(I am a trained sleep trainer)
He sounds overtired to me. He is playing you, I don't know why you've given in when he asks for toys or his daddy. It's simply no! It's bedtime.

You need persistence. Routine.

Bath, milk, teeth, book. Good night love you and walk away.
He screams- not in pain- not in need- but bad habit.
Give it 10 mins and go back in for reassurance, it's bed time now go to sleep, walk away. Give it 10 mins- dont talk at this point just simply tuck and in and walk away. Repeat.

It takes 4 nights on average. Stick with it.

What's 4 night s you can break this cycle and finally get some sleep??

He falls to sleep in your arms so therefore any slight move he does in the night he is waking and realising you're not there hence the screaming in the night.

BREAK THE CYCLE

Especially as you were at breaking point a week ago. Could have broken the cycle by now.

Hi OP, it's so hard when going through a phase like this. Evenings are so precious.

Have you looked at the leaps - he's probably going through some major changes and it will pass in a few weeks.

Have you tried a much earlier bedtime? Have you tried dropping day naps altogether and bringing bedtime forward to 6pm? I did this when my eldest was 28 months and it made a huge difference to her night sleep

@anonforthis88

I feel so low mentally. I NEED some spare time!!!!

I honestly feel your pain, OP. Have come back to this thread hoping that little one was settling down a bit better but it seems you've not had much luck thus far 😔 so sorry to hear this.

I appreciate that this doesn't apply to you as your little one is not even 2 yet, so still very young. But my DD has been running rings around me recently when it comes to bedtime.

After having read like 3 stories, singing 3 of her favourite lullabies, dealing with her complaints about her leg that she said "hurts" because she scratched it on something earlier (didn't bleed), moaning that she's not tired and doesn't want to go to sleep (even though she's been awake since 5:30am with no nap today), moaning which turned into screaming and kicking her legs against the bedpost, shouting through the monitor that I'm a horrible mummy and she wants a new mummy, blah blah fucking blah ...I am absolutely at the end of my tether.

So I decided to do something I saw DH do the other night. She has this plastic table with two chairs that is in the living room for her meals throughout the day. I took one of the chairs and placed it in her bedroom at the end of the bed facing the wall, and every single time she moans, starts giggling and trying to talk to me through the monitor, complaining about minor irrelevant things, I placed her on the "naughty chair", facing the wall, not in the dark mind you, with the lamp on. And told her when she's ready to go to bed, to let me know through the monitor.

We repeated this process (I kid you not) 17 times before she finally got the message and stopped messing about and now as I type this, I can't hear anything through the monitor so I can only assume that she is asleep (will go and check on her in a sec).

I don't know where I'm going with this but ultimately, it's about setting rules and boundaries. I appreciate your DS is only 20 months old though so such rules/boundaries would obviously have to be tailored for his age.

I'm not a fan of the CIO method with very young babies, I think it's cruel. But where he's at an age that he understands to a degree (I saw an earlier post of yours where you said that he went from crying to laughing once he was playing with his toys or something) .. that tells me that he understands to a degree what he's doing in terms of "if I cry and scream loud enough and for long enough, someone will come to comfort me".

So in conclusion, I think that you need to try your best to be a little more stern, drop the DH cuddling him to sleep, and slowly but surely, distance yourself in terms of going in so regularly to check on him.

I would use CIO to a degree to begin with (as long as you're not aware of any other health problems he could be experiencing) and see how you get on.

Apologies for the long post and best of luck OP 🤞

PS. Apologies for my constant use of the term "to a degree" lol. Not sure what that's all about. Maybe I'm just bloody exhausted.

Goodnight and good luck, OP

How are things now @anonforthis88? Hope they got better x

I have 4 and 7 yr old boys, they are actually really good kids, no tantrums, mostly do as they are told etc...my 7 year old has suddenly turned into a gobby teenager who tells me not to kiss him goodbye at school drop off because I'll embarrass him.

He was a crap screamer sleeper til about 3yo. Now sleeps all night apart from still getting in my bed in the middle of the night.

4 year old.... been a terrible sleeper since birth, fidgets when asleep, cannot stay still, wakes up, walks around, gets in my bed, I put him back.... gets back in my bed × 20 all night every night.
Still wetting the bed so wets my bed then I have to get in he's bed with hi., I then have my 7 Yr old coming to find me in the night so I get in his bed........ fucking hideous,
Now all they do is punch each other whilst I'm left washing pissy bed sheets every single day.

Hate doing the kiddie meals, HATE HATE HATE the school run and mornings ( and they are both good with this and I still hate it)
Hate all of it apart from they're lovely cuddles) but wow is that all you get for all this total boring bullshit.
My advise STICK WITH 1..... I thought he needed a sibling but they don't particularly like each other, I don't know many people who are close with siblings so I got that wrong.

I dream of how life would be with just 1 ( I thought it was impossible hard with just 1 kiddie, have two and you realise it's not just hard it's fucking horrible.

I live for my boys but wow, I'm so unhappy I cannot wait til I'm not needed every 5 fucking seconds.