I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

not our, out*

Thanks @RedRobyn2021 x

And yes, I just left him to cry for 10 minutes tonight because I couldn’t take it anymore. Then DH went in.

I’m a shit mother.

My son had night terrors at that age he was so scared it went on for a few months what we did is we just went in just before the usual time and startled him , didn't wake him just moved him about abit from a deep sleep and it worked.

They go into REM sleep which is when I believe my son was having his night terrors.

I looked at it from his point or view being so small , wanting comfort and being scared/upset for some reason.

It's hard very hard . My son is now 6 and he wakes 2 /3 times a night and then up 5.30 it's just who he is . He likes comfort from us. Some kids are very independent others need abit more comforting than others.

We have a leap frog story cube that we put on the timer it plays for a few hours and has made the world of difference he falls straight to sleep but subconsciously he hears it.

I am expecting no 2 and am fully aware I'm going to feel awful for a long while with sleep deprivation.

Hopefully he will settle down .
As for the not spending time with your partner were like that it's part of it for us due to work etc just how it is. We still make time even if it's chatting over pairing socks . Xx

Hope it gets better

I could have written all this a few months ago OP, my DD is now 25m and goes to sleep at 6.30pm with no fight (sometimes earlier as she's genuinely knackered) and rarely wakes before 6am next morning. She's been doing this a while now, not sure when exactly it changed. DH and I get full evenings to ourselves and some proper sleep. I cannot tell you how life changing it's been! Hang on in there!

*She has also dropped daytime naps between 20m and now, which is a shame, but tbh the reliable evening time together is worth it. We didn't do sleep training or anything different really.

Reading your first 3 posts just made me want to reach through the screen and hug you because word for word, that is literally how I felt when I had DD. It took me a very long time to adjust to life with another little person in the house and not just me and DH, coming home from work every day, eating dinner together and spending actual quality time. I actually developed serious post-natal depression due to not only my inability to adjust to this new life but also the sleep deprivation. My god, I'm surprised that alone didn't kill me.

Unfortunately, I have no advice because even with a 3yo, it's tough! It's hard. It's draining. It's same shit, different day type of thing. That part of it doesn't change. So I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you "oh it gets better".

It doesn't get "better". It just gets "easier". You eventually just "adjust".

Wish I could give you a massive hug because honestly, 3 years ago I could have written this post myself.

Chin up, you've got this mama

P.S. Hope this helps knowing this but my DD is now 3yo and still doesn't sleep through the night 😑😑😑

Wakes up twice, once around now (10/11pm) for absolutely no reason whatsoever so I always have to stay awake, because what's the point in falling asleep to then be woken up?

DH has been sleeping in the spare room since she was born because DD refuses to sleep in her own bed.

Takes about 20 mins to get her back down. Wakes up again around 4am for no reason whatsoever, not upset or crying, just merely to look in my face and say "hi mummy, look it's still dark outside" 😑 .. falls back to sleep around 5am (so she's awake about 45mins to an hour), then is wide awake at 6:30am.

Goes all the way through to 9/10pm without a nap.

So I promise you, I feel your pain! But we've got this! 💪

I’m now feeling horrendously guilty for letting him cry for 10 minutes. Not only have I really upset him, it was totally pointless as DH (agreed by both of us) eventually went in anyway.

Thanks @rocky1914 - really appreciate your posts. DS finally fell asleep 15 minutes ago. Just praying he doesn’t wake up again now.

@anonforthis88

I’m now feeling horrendously guilty for letting him cry for 10 minutes. Not only have I really upset him, it was totally pointless as DH (agreed by both of us) eventually went in anyway.

He's 20 months old! I promise you he is not "upset". He was just crying. Like babies do. He will not remember you leaving him to cry for 10 minutes in the morning. You're his mummy, all he knows is that you're his mummy and that he loves you. Please stop being so hard on yourself. These posts are upsetting to read because I can relate sooo much you have no idea. But, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. He's a bubba. He won't remember anything.

Now my 3yo on the other hand? Memory of an elephant. This child remembers when I "didn't give her the strawberries because she was naughty and screamed when we left the park" ....2 weeks ago 😑

I wonder if it's development stage. Life at nursery, understanding he is truly a separate entity to you and DH? Needing that reassurance of physical closeness at night time.

Doesn't help how horrific the lack of evening is for you though.

@anonforthis88 lovely, pleased to hear he's finally nodded off. And now you're sat there on edge watching the monitor, aren't you? 😒 Don't! Just get on with your evening and get yourself into bed. Any amount of sleep is better than none. Wishing you the best of luck, OP 🤗 xx

Is he cuddled to sleep at bedtime?

You poor sod. Just read all your posts and it transported me back to a time I’d rather forget. My DS done this for 8 months when he was your sons age, literally just wanting to be rocked. When I thought he was old enough (about 2.4 years) and after much deliberation (I was having a mental breakdown). I let him cry it out. I mean as in after 5 mins going in and saying “bed time” and so on but stuck to it and it wasn’t nice. Not something I am proud of but it took two nights and ever since then he goes to bed lays down says night night and goes to sleep for 12 hours. I had no evenings and then all of a sudden my life back and was refreshed for him when he woke at 7am.
Not saying that you should do this especially if it’s not something you agree with but it gets to a point when somethings got to give. 8 months was my break point. Gah it literally took 3 hours of rocking him to sleep every night arms breaking

because you’re judged to fuck if you do and are probably mentally scarring your child for life

They can judge away. It's none of their business.

You would not be scarring your child for life. I did it with all of mine, who are now adults. They are all lovely, well balanced young people with whom I have a great relationship.

Sod what anyone else thinks. You matter too.

You matter too.

Thanks, but I don’t really feel I do anymore.

Sorry if this has already been said (I haven't RTFT) but I went through this with my son at around the same age, I was ready to crack up as it lasted around 4 weeks, until I realised the poor little sod was hungry. Gave him porridge or Weetabix before bed and it never happened again.

@anonforthis88

And yes, I just left him to cry for 10 minutes tonight because I couldn’t take it anymore. Then DH went in.

I’m a shit mother.

No, no, no. You are not.

I left mine to cry for more than 10 minutes on occasion. If there is nothing wrong (nappies, hunger, illness etc), then you need to be strong. Which doesn't mean leaving them for hours at a time, obviously! But sometimes my DC needed a really good cry before they could settle. If it went on any longer than was reasonable, we would obviously go in to see them. But 10 mins is not unreasonable.

If it's any consolation, second/subsequent children are generally better at settling because there isn't enough of you to go round. If you had other babies, you would worry less about leaving yours for 10 mins or more. You are doing nothing wrong!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz he didn’t used to be because he went off to sleep on his own, but since he started crying every night, he has been. I’m worried we’ve started a habit now that’ll be very hard to break.

@TheFormerMrsPugwash too tired to type much now, but thanks x

@anonforthis88

You matter too.

Thanks, but I don’t really feel I do anymore.

This is so sad. You DO matter. You are your child's universe, and you're doing that job brilliantly. But you can't do that if you aren't looking after yourself too. Your child is loved and fed and cared for and cherished. You don't have to devote every sleeping hour to them as well. My situation was a bit different as I was a SAHM - but I reckoned that I was with them for 12-13 hours per day, intensively. They and I therefore had no need to see one another at night too. The exception, obviously, was if they were ill. But otherwise, I needed my child-free evenings, and I needed my sleep. So do you.

[quote anonforthis88]@TheFormerMrsPugwash too tired to type much now, but thanks x[/quote]
No need to type anything at all. Just know that you do matter, enormously, and you would be doing nothing remotely wrong if you were really firm in your own head that X o'clock is bedtime, and that's that (which, as I say, doesn't mean leaving a distressed child to scream for hours on end! - in that scenario, you'd need to use some 'sleep training' techniques involving gradual withdrawal, which other MNers would be better qualified to talk about than I am).

I think I also need to come off Instagram. I’m following so many accounts by mums/experts who are clearly far better at this parenting thing than I am and just make me feel guilty as hell.

@Namechangenumber1

Sorry if this has already been said (I haven't RTFT) but I went through this with my son at around the same age, I was ready to crack up as it lasted around 4 weeks, until I realised the poor little sod was hungry. Gave him porridge or Weetabix before bed and it never happened again.

This.

DH's best friend told us to mix Weetabix with her milk and widen the hole in the bottle. DD was around the same age as OP's DS at the time (definitely under 2yo) and she used to do my head in at bedtime, constantly getting up, asking for another story, asking for more cuddles. And yes, she was a very very early talker so it's not like she couldn't have told me she was hungry.

But lo and behold, that's exactly what it was. The tantrums at bedtime stopped shortly after that.

Now her tantrums before bedtime are solely related to not actually wanting to go to sleep and wanting to stay up to watch the "grown up's tv" 😒

God, give me strength 🤦🏽‍♀️

But anyway, just wanted to say one last thing to OP @anonforthis88 if there's one thing you've said that I totally relate with, it's the whole not wanting a second child. But be prepared for when you tell people why you don't want another, for them to reply with "oh you'll forget about the tough times at the beginning" .....like, no I bloody well won't, and I don't want another! End of story!

So be prepared for those convos cause they do my entire head in. I am not having another child, I had post-natal depression and put on stones in weight. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to that all over again? 😩

Anyway, DD is stirring, right on time, it's 11:01pm for Christ sake. Argh. Goodnight ladies x

Thanks, I doubt he’s hungry as he snacks a LOT and has big meals, but I’m going to try a bowl of porridge before bed tomorrow just in case.