I absolutely hate being a parent

[anonforthis88]

I’m a mum to a 20 month old toddler. He’s started randomly waking up crying at around 9pm for the last week for no apparent reason - he doesn’t appear to be in any pain and if myself or DH sit with him in his room and cuddle him for an hour he eventually drops off again. I’m so stressed by life, work and just want a sodding evening to myself without having to deal with this. And yes, I know I sound like a total cow but it’s fucking hard having no break whatsoever between work, chores and a screaming child.

Ok, @anonforthis88 - you are me from one year ago. Here's what I wish I knew:

• Lower your expectations of yourself and your family. Then lower them again. I'm talking unlimited Cbeebies and screen time. I'm talking giving the kid a whole bag of crisps in their high chair in front of kids' netflix because mum needs one freaking minute to herself. I'm talking ready meals and takeaways for weeks on end. I'm talking paper plates and plastic cutlery and whatever else it takes to survive. Because honey, you are in survival mode. Whatever you need to survive, do it.

• Some babies are just harder than others. You are not mum-ing wrong. Some babies are simply adorable jerks who hate sleep (looking at you, my toddler). Ignore all the people who swear by this sleep method or that if the thought of sleep training fills you with dread. Find another way to get rest.

• I realised way too late that I had PND and anxiety. Fluoxetine is my friend. If you are finding it's ridiculous to cope with life, and you have a gut feeling that some of this is rooted deeper than sleep exhaustion (which is obviously a huge factor and makes every other problem worse), see your GP/health visitor and get help. You do not need to fight this alone. I waited until I was suicidal to seek help. Don't be stupid like me :)

• Your husband is exhausted and you don't want to put anything on him. I get it. I was there too. But what we finally figured out is the worst factor in his mood/ mental health/ coping ability was my own ability to cope. I promise your husband will happily take your DC for two hours if the return on investment is a sane wife. Your own oxygen mask first and all that.

• Another unpopular opinion is that you shouldn't wish these days away. That one day, you'll look back and blah blah blah. Stop that now. You are already processing enough guilt and grief to be feeling guilty now about how you're going to feel in the future. Stop it. Survival mode, remember?

• People will tell you, "it's just a phase", "this too shall pass", "if you think this is hard, just wait until they turn x". None of these things were helpful to me a year ago. If you feel the same now, mentally tell all those people to stuff it. Every sleepless night was tortuous agony, and you can't pay me enough to 'cherish those memories.'

• I only have one child, and will probably only ever have one child. I've worked with multiple therapists/GPs/nurses/health visitors/religious leaders to sort though all the mess that having a child made. It wasn't my kid's fault, but my mental and physical health went to crap after the birth. I have a lot of grief and unmet expectations to work through still, but I'm coping just about. I've finally taken the pressure of myself by deciding I only have to have one kid if that's as many as my health will allow.

• You need to separate your feelings from your child. It isn't their fault. Some kids are just wired to wake up all the time, and there's nothing you can do until they grow up a bit (looking at you my toddler who didn't sleep through until nearly 3). Drill this into your head now that your issues may have come as a result of having a child, but it isn't the child's fault. You can hate parenting without hating being a parent. This is a healthy distance and keeps you from taking stuff out on the kid.

• And finally, the only reason you're so concerned about all of this is because you are an amazing mum who cares so deeply about taking care of this ridiculously wonderful and challenging kid. Give yourself 10000% more credit than you're willing to right now.

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this as I haven’t RTFT:

If you have a car. Go for a drive with the screaming DC. I did this at least a few times during a two week period with our middle DC around the same age as OP’s
and it worked.

Parenting can be draining and relentless but you won’t be at this stage forever. Good luck.

@anonforthis88

DH has just put him down after over an hour of cuddles and he’s crying again. I’m at my wit’s end. He was asleep whilst DH was cuddling him.

Because he is there and holding him. Body contact gone, body warmth gone, comfort gone, as I said, break the cycle.

It'll take time because you've started a bad habit in the first place he'll need to be weaned off.

If he bf a dummy you'd not expect it go just be done with in one night.

@anonforthis88

Trying to cope with work at the same time aswell

This. I don’t care what anyone says, I wish I was a mum in the 1950s, when women didn’t need to be a parent AND hold down a career. It’s so fucking stressful.

Judge away.

You need to stop judging and criticising yourself! Being a parent, working, being a wife and running a house can be TOO MUCH. We all love our kids with every part of our soul but at some point some of us have felt like they are the most fucking irritating little monsters that we just want break from and that’s ok.

@anonforthis88

Trying to cope with work at the same time aswell

This. I don’t care what anyone says, I wish I was a mum in the 1950s, when women didn’t need to be a parent AND hold down a career. It’s so fucking stressful.

Judge away.

Hate to say this but then there's no break, they are with you all the time. Hope it gets better

Didn't finish!

Hope it gets better soon, I had one that never slept and it's so rough

Some good suggestions on this thread that I'm finding helpful too with my sleepless toddler!

A couple more that I think haven't been mentioned yet:

-get a weekly cleaner. Even if it's a stretch financially, cut back on something else if you can, imo it's the best money I spend. I can understand why you can't get a babysitter for the evening but at least you can get help with the chores. You might find there's a big difference in your mood with less things to have to do.

• get more help with entertaining your DS in the daytime so you're not already fed up by evening. Esp at weekends. Eg GPs, or a daytime weekend babysitter, or like near me there's a cafe with childcare staff who play with the kids while you have a coffee. So by evening you still have the energy to deal with the crying.

I also agree with Pps about Co sleeping, acceptance, and taking a bit of annual leave if you can during this phase

OP it’s me again.

Cosleeping isn’t for me because I found that the quality of my sleep was absolutely shocking and it was yet another thing that I was having to do that I didn’t want to do. I’m not saying it doesn’t work well for others, just that it was a line in the sand for me that I didn’t want to cross.

One thing that helped me was a book, something like the book you’d wished your parents had read. It encouraged me to put myself in DSs position and imagine how I’d like to have been treated if I was looking at myself as a child. Sounds extremely simple but it worked a lot more effectively for me at keeping my frustration in check.

Can you book a few days annual leave and have a couple of days at home to yourself? Box sets, chocolate buttons and silence?

The day off when baby's in nursery to sleep is the only way, that was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to go back to work. Just gone back with my second now and I shall be taking full advantage of a few days leave, tell no one drop the baby off at childcare go home watch Netflix and sleep bliss. My second child has just turned one and we very rarely get and evening together as pp said acceptance is key, its survival mode in the beginning but it does get easier as they sleep more and can talk.

@anonforthis88

You sound really burnt out.

I think I might be but so is DH, so it would be unfair to leave him alone with DS. And DS screams the house down when left even for an hour with my MIL and FIL (even though they’re lovely) so a weekend away is out of the question.

I would do this. Just get away with DH for 24 hours. Let PIL know issues and leave them to it. They raised your DH (and his siblings?). They've been there and they will be going in with eyes open as I'm sure you've talked to them about how hard it is currently

But go and agree you won't phone and so you just have a proper break with DH overnight.
Agree with them in advance that if it is truly impossible they can phone you - but that you won't phone them so you can have a proper break and feel "allowed" to have it. You need to give yourself permission to do it.
If you need them to send you the occasional text to say all okay then do that but ideally give yourself a bit of time fully off.

We have one DS. Complete nightmare at that age too!

@anonforthis88

Trying to cope with work at the same time aswell

This. I don’t care what anyone says, I wish I was a mum in the 1950s, when women didn’t need to be a parent AND hold down a career. It’s so fucking stressful.

Judge away.

Agreed.

We (society) seem to be in a position now where we all try and do everything and it is bloody exhausting! And I just don't have the mental bandwidth for everything - let alone energy. And there are no clear roles so you can never ever feel truly off with "deserved" free time - so constantly feel guilty should be doing something as there's always something needing doing....

Or maybe this is just me 😬

Whilst I agree with husband giving you a break it won't help long term.

I echo a previous post about book a day or twos annual leave and put them in nursery for the day. Go for a walk, have a massage, binge watch some Netflix whatever makes you happy.

@anonforthis88

I can’t chill out though - holidays with a child this age are just a total nightmare. There’s no break, it’s either work, childcare or (eventually) sleep.

When he's in childcare you take a day off and have some peace.

We hired a sleep trainer and followed a personalised plan she gave us and it worked. Sleep train. The only reason you have given not to do this is other people don't like it - can't see that's a reason really.

Couple of thoughts from someone on the other side- my kids are 5 and 10.

• yes acceptance is KEY. DS2 was a marginally better sleeper but I did tiny things to improve his sleep but mostly I told myself I hated the baby stage so I had to hang in there. I had a 5 year old so I knew there was light at the end of the long baby tunnel.
• no I don’t look back on that stage fondly. I am a good parent to kids who can talk and hold reasonable conversations (even if it’s about Paw Patrol). I found the helpless baby ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ stages impossible.
• he’s probably treating that first 7-9 pm sleep like a nap and waking up good to go. It might be you need to shorten the nap to 30 mins or something. He’ll be grotty in the evening but you might get sleep at night.
• also worth going in as he’s coming out of this sleep cycle and resettling him before he’s awake. Sometimes that helps.
• lots of black humour got DH and I through this stage.
• sometimes when he was in childcare we would both take an hour off at lunch and spend time together. Saved our sanity.

For most of us (women) having kids is the first thing we do that is not reversible. You can divorce your husband, move areas, change a job, a haircut, go low contact with people. But once you have a baby, that is IT. I found that change the hardest. This was the first thing I did that there was no escape from. I found it suffocating. And that’s why getting to that acceptance stage was very helpful.

Sorry OP that sounds utterly rubbish.

If you can afford it, a sleep consultant might be worth a go. My best friend’s child would scream for an hour every night before bed and that was the only thing that eventually worked.

Thanks everyone for the kind comments, it really helped getting it all off my chest. DS didn’t wake up again and I managed to get some quality sleep. Today is a new day!

I feel you OP.

I’ve got 3 - because my first two were NOT like this.

My third? Shat from the bowels of Satan.

If she’d been my first, she’d have been an only. I wouldn’t be risking having any more highly strung, seriously needy children.

She never slept, cried all the time and couldn’t be put down. But at daycare she was an absolute joy

I hope your baby is safe and that you've calmed down this morning. If you really can't stand being a parent ... what are you going to do? You can give him up for adoption, it is an option. Some people should never be parents and the rght thing to do if you recognise that is to allow your child to go to people who desperately do want to be parents. It's a huge thing but not impossible.

You hate being tired, that's all. You need a break.

@Roadhouse111

And I agree, you do need a break, book yourself into the local travel lodge for a night, I did that a few times and it helped so much!

I used to dream and dream of doing this. If I had my time again I would definitely do this at least once or twice a month.

OP - it's shit. I felt like you. Shattered and invaded and end of tether all the time. Hated and resented DH for having a break from it all. (Though at least my resentment meant I shoved half the work at him and said, 'Do this. I can't do it all.'

I bloody LOVE being a parent now and have for years, including the challenging teenage years. The toddler years don't go on for ever.

Your baby is 20 months old, you don’t need your annual leave for school holidays- have a day to yourself, or with DH. Honestly children’s sleep changes constantly, as crap as this phase is it will pass! Take a breath!

Give it up for adoption then

@unwicked “it”? And yes, great idea! Why didn’t I think of that before!

@A580Hojas I will not be putting my child up for adoption because he’s my whole world and life wouldn’t be worth living if he was taken away from me. That doesn’t mean I’m not struggling with being a parent right now.