Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

286 replies

Lou2284 · 28/12/2021 00:35

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
BeardyButton · 28/12/2021 09:49

This thread is depressing. MN is full of people going “low contact” or “no contact” with parents/ family. The stately homes thread etc...

And yet, there is zero reflection on how we bring up children. Threads like this are almost unanimously “get your child to behave”. Rather than - how can be understanding of the child. Was the situation stressful for the child? Was the child asked to jst fit into an adult Xmas day and found it very boring (stressful)? How could the ADULTS present have included the child more (heaven forbid!).

The OP has said she remembers ONE moment of screaming. The OP has said her kid can be LOUD. The child DOES NOT have her own phone.

Tiredalwaystired · 28/12/2021 09:52

I’ve been that sister. My then 12 year old niece only communicated with me by being blatantly rude to my face or punching me “in jest”. It was awful and quite frankly I hated being in her company but for a long time my sister would say it was just “her way of being affectionate”

However my sister is just like you OP, and ANY criticism got her back up so I had to wait a long time to address it. I tried the tack of “what can I do to improve my relationship with niece because it really is t great right now” and even then I got a flea in my ear and the phone slammed down on me.

It was awful at the time but I really was sick of being a human punching bag.

Anyway, even though I was made to feel like shit I suspect she did have some conversations because things did get a lot better after that and now I really like being in her company - the punching has stopped and I even occasionally get a hug which always takes me by surprise!

It is not any easy thing to address something like this when you can second guess the reaction, but sometimes these things just need saying to make the whole situation better in the end. So I admire your sister for not trying to hide the elephant in the room.

gah2teenagers · 28/12/2021 09:54

Sounds like it’s white noise to you and you are not noticing it. It’s obviously a problem and you are being pathetic asking for a specific example.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7 year olds Families General parenting
BeardyButton · 28/12/2021 09:57

@Thickasmincepie

I really don't think a child 'being loud and looking for attention' is normal behaviour.

But it explains why so many parents minimise disruptive behaviour in school.

Yes, kids can get loud and fucking annoying, but it's a parent's job to turn them into civilised little humans. As my mum always used to say:"it's not all about you".

This is a pretty horrific way to view parenting!

As an ex primary school teacher..... I never ever worried about this kids who sometimes were disruptive. I worked in some “challenging” schools. The truly disruptive chn were fairly few and far between. But there were so so so many ‘shut down’ children. Children who would never speak in class. Chn terrified of making a mistake. I had lessons on how mistakes were part of learning over and over. I found teaching these kids very hard. They were FAR more of these kids than the truly disruptive chn. But these kids don’t make do much “noise” so it’s easy to ignore them if that is more convenient for you.

Children come in all different patterns. But it is highly “normal” for children to find adult settings (example Christmas Day dinner) stressful. It is highly normal for children to become loud and attention seeking in that environment)

Pawprintpaper · 28/12/2021 10:07

@TequilaStories

“Screaming” means different things to different people, especially as I’m guessing your sister has no kids of her own so no real idea what is normal behaviour for a child or not. Are you worried? Are your child’s teachers worried? Does she seem to be out of control, be unable to calm down, be hitting her head on the ground or panic attacks or uncontrollable rage or is it just lots of energy and running around? If you have any concerns there’s no harm in an assessment just for peace of mind and to make sure your child gets any assistance if she needs it.
Agree with this… I wondered if your sister has kids or not. We had a weekend visit to my dsis once, one of our kids had an epic tantrum, completely out of character but a combination of poor sleep away from home, excitement, tiredness, out of routine etc. my sister was quite shocked only having a newborn. Obviously we apologised for the noise and she understood.

Maybe you could frame it to her that after 18 months of reduced social contact your dd does sometimes find group/family occasions over stimulating, that you take what she said onboard but until you’ve been there its easy to judge other peoples parenting (obviously don’t say this if she’s struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss).

justasking111 · 28/12/2021 10:09

Sounds like your sister may have been the messenger for your mum who's asked her to do it, which is a bit mean of the older relatives. Older people can become more sensitive to certain pitches of sound which is why you're not picking up on it.

Mrstamborineman · 28/12/2021 10:12

Your sister is rude. If she was so concerned she could have spoken to you or your dc. Not send that self righteous piece of crap.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 28/12/2021 10:12

It does sound as though this is a bigger problem than you’re making it sound, OP.

The text specifically mentions your child screaming instead of using words - so I don’t think you can put it down to being a bit loud and over excited, and using an outdoor voice indoors - it does sound as though it was actual, wordless, screaming, which is really not acceptable unless in fear or pain. And frankly would scare the bejesus out of me, and make me want to chuck said child out in the garden if it happened once, let alone more times.

Your reaction feels defensive to me because I think you either know it’s rooted in truth, or you feel badly that it’s taken someone else to point it out.

Either way, if at 7 your child is neurotypical and has no special needs, she really shouldn’t behave like this, so the onus is now on you, however you found out, to sort it out.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 28/12/2021 10:14

@Mrstamborineman

Your sister is rude. If she was so concerned she could have spoken to you or your dc. Not send that self righteous piece of crap.
I get the feeling that she knew how OP would react, and was therefore trying her best to put it in a way which wouldn’t offend.

I expect not mentioning the child’s name was so that the child wouldn’t know she was being talked about, if she saw the message, as she uses the phone.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2021 10:15

there are children that scream and their parents just don't seem to notice it, its awful and not appropriate behaviour.

the message form your sister wasn't rude and came over as non judgemental

perhaps take heed of the message and keep a listen out for loud screeching

Thickasmincepie · 28/12/2021 10:16

To be honest, I think I've done a good job of parenting my dc. They are confident and friendly kids. Definitely not 'shut down', but are the kind of kids you can take anywhere. Making sure that a kid isn't loud and making life uncomfortable for other people is part of a parent's job, surely?

username1293948 · 28/12/2021 10:17

A seven year old who owns a phone and screams to get her own way? Your sister is right.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2021 10:17

It's not rude. She's right. Screaming at age 7 is inappropriate. That's something you nip in the bud, when they're small toddlers.

me4real · 28/12/2021 10:18

I don't believe she is asserting dominance. She's not very confident and doesn't speak up in class. I believe rather it may be attention seeking behavior.

This still isn't age appropriate though @Lou2284 . I'm sure it might well be not a matter of lack of discipline. Maybe get her assessed just in case? Talk to your GP (even if over the phone- they will arrange for her to then see them in person if needed) and tell them what your sister said.

CharityDingle · 28/12/2021 10:20

@username1293948

A seven year old who owns a phone and screams to get her own way? Your sister is right.
The child does not own a phone.
TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:22

Robert Burns said it perfectly

O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us
An' foolish notion:
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us,
An' ev'n devotion!

inheritancetrack · 28/12/2021 10:22

If your sister and family tell you she's screaming or exceptionally loud, listen! They have no reason to say she is behaving like this if she wasn't. You may just be used to it.

RedRec · 28/12/2021 10:25

I think you should feel lucky that it was your sister who approached you, and that she tried to do it so tactfully.
It could have been a pile-on (or worse, withdrawal) from other family members, who she is probably speaking on behalf of.

Yuledo · 28/12/2021 10:26

It’s one thing a child going through a stage and people seeing the parent addressing the issue, and another thing when the issue is totally ignored by the parent.

I presume you ignored her being “loud” and “asserting her presence”.

Curiousmouse · 28/12/2021 10:28

Pick up the phone to your sister to discuss it properly?

Lunificent · 28/12/2021 10:28

I’m not keen on you sister’s tone in the message. That said, I can’t believe she’d go to the trouble of a message like this due to hearing only one scream.
Is your daughter neurotypical or not? Is she/might she be autistic? If she is different to most children in some way, then that would have a bearing on a response to your sister.

LIZS · 28/12/2021 10:29

While it seems a bit ott, the message is clear. You may well have become accustomed to your dd tone and behaviour and sometimes it takes something like this to bring it up even if it touches a nerve.

Tinsellittis · 28/12/2021 10:29

You need to take heed of your sister, and address the causes of your daughter’s behaviour.

uneffingbelievable · 28/12/2021 10:30

I am that sister. I love my now 20+ yr old niece dearly but there were times when she was just too much - shouting, tantrums, being a royal PITA.

I would say to my sister F2F - love her dearly but she was too much on this occasion.

My sister would then usually- off load that it was hard and she was pushing her buttons too. Q - we both did a bit of hard /soft love and get her back on track.

She is a lovely young lady now - who even admits she knew when she was being a PITA and being called on it stopped it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/12/2021 10:30

But there were so so so many ‘shut down’ children. Children who would never speak in class. Chn terrified of making a mistake. I had lessons on how mistakes were part of learning over and over.

@BeardyButton I see this too. It is very concerning however not surprising when referring to a child as ‘a certain someone’ isn’t considered rude by many posters.

Children are people too.