Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

[Lou2284]

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

There's a lot of speculation on this thread because it's very had to work out exactly what went on. So she did scream (as in a high-pitched, loud, wordless noise), not out of pain/shock/fear, but only once? She made this noise at a random moment to draw everyone's attention to her? If that's the case, it happening even once is a bit odd and needs addressing. You said she was 'loud' - was there other noisy behaviour, but more typical than a contextless scream?

I wouldn't take kindly at all to your sister's tone, the 'certain someone' and the suggestion that there 'needs to be some discipline'. It's a bit... gleeful somehow. There are adults who love the idea of putting children in 'their place' (quite a few of them are on here...) and it sounds as if she's one of them. I'd be batting that back to her. 'Thank you for your input. I've addressed the instance of screaming with her and expect it won't happen again. But your tone was inappropriate and, yes, overstepping. Please leave matters of 'discipline' to me, and speak to me directly about any issues you have in future, rather than texting.'

All this is under the proviso that your account is accurate and there was really only one instance of 'screaming'.* If it was a pattern of behaviour, your sister's message was still inappropriate, but you may need to think again about what's going on with your dd.

*There was a whole thread on here the other week about a husband 'screaming' and it transpired he was shouting. It caused a lot of confusion. 'Screaming' seems to be a term with a lot of interpretations. I'd poss (if I really couldn't remember instances of 'screaming') want to clarify with my sister what exactly she meant. It could well be hyperbole.

I'd bet that mum and grandma had plenty to say when you'd left and sister took the bullet of being the messenger so she could be diplomatic and try not to hurt your feelings. (Whether she did or not is besides the point really - the signs are that she tried to be kind IMO) I'd be careful not to shoot the messenger in this scenario.

It sounds like your DSis has said what needed to be said in the most tactful way it could be done.

Parents can sometimes be too close to see things accurately. If someone you love and trust who knows your child well says something like that, you should at the very least take an honest look at it.

I can't remember any of my children screaming at all. It's not normal once children are no longer toddlers.

Perhaps I'm used to it and don't see it. But she's not a screaming child.

So your sister is making it up?

There is no need for a child to be screaming beyond the baby stage. Unless your child has some form of ASN, she shouldn’t be screaming. I doubt your sister would lie about it, so you need to sort it out.

My 3 year old nephew screamed/cried blue murder the other morning as something had gone down the wrong way but that’s unusual for him. It was for a few minutes though and we all looked at him like he was something out of a horror film as it was very dramatic and sudden!

In this case I think it’s good your sister has raised this with you and by text.

Most kids I know and have known including me, screaming was a big no no when we were kids unless in parks (even then it was limited) or in pain and we were discouraged to do it.

I'd be batting that back to her. 'Thank you for your input. I've addressed the instance of screaming with her and expect it won't happen again. But your tone was inappropriate and, yes, overstepping. Please leave matters of 'discipline' to me, and speak to me directly about any issues you have in future, rather than texting.'

What a horribly shitty message. I hope you really wouldn’t speak to your sister, or any close family member like this.

@DisforDarkChocolate

I can't remember any of my children screaming at all. It's not normal once children are no longer toddlers.

@DisforDarkChocolate there are some screaming games or elements of screaming that kids can like to do, or in drama classes but yes, generally, unless they’re very angry or hurt it’s not normal to do this on a regular basis.

@DisforDarkChocolate there are some screaming games or elements of screaming that kids can like to do, or in drama classes but yes, generally, unless they’re very angry or hurt it’s not normal to do this on a regular basis

I have three kids. There is some times, random shrieks, shouts, screams. You house must have been very subdued

I don’t understand why something wasn’t said at the time.
I’d also want to know whether your mum and gran knew about the message because it sounds a lot like they’ve been talking about this.
I think it’s a bit mean to be honest. Mention it at the time or let it go. Especially over Christmas when kids are loud and excited.
It would make me feel really uncomfortable going forward.

There is nothing worse than a screaming child, i am sure your poor family and worn out neighbours would agree.

I find people, particularly on here, use the term screaming when they mean shouting loudly. Although clearly this child could have been screaming, I think though it’s obvious the child was very loud and rhe sister is just pointing out, likely correctly, it needs to be managed and isn’t acceptable.

If I had to listen to a spoilt child screaming I would say something too.

@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea

there are adults who love the idea of putting children in 'their place'
haha I assume you are either joking or one of those like the family who are off grid (quite a few of them are on here...) and it sounds as if she's one of them. I'd be batting that back to her. 'Thank you for your input. I've addressed the instance of screaming with her and expect it won't happen again. But your tone was inappropriate and, yes, overstepping. Please leave matters of 'discipline' to me, and speak to me directly about any issues you have in future, rather than texting.'

bollocks - its easily as possible that the child was screaming and op is deaf to it.

speak to me directly about any issues you have in future, rather than texting
Doing it over text is directly to op - and allows op to take some time to reflect on why its being mentioned and not simply autoreact

@Bluntness100

I find people, particularly on here, use the term screaming when they mean shouting loudly. Although clearly this child could have been screaming, I think though it’s obvious the child was very loud and rhe sister is just pointing out, likely correctly, it needs to be managed and isn’t acceptable.

I don’t think it’s obvious the child was just being loud - the sister mentioned screaming instead of using words, so I do genuinely think it was wordless screaming, which is even worse.

It’s really not the big issue you’re making it into OP. We all have to address issues with our children. You just do it it. No fuss. “DD we don’t scream”. Repeat as many times as necessary.

@Bluntness100

I find people, particularly on here, use the term screaming when they mean shouting loudly. Although clearly this child could have been screaming, I think though it’s obvious the child was very loud and rhe sister is just pointing out, likely correctly, it needs to be managed and isn’t acceptable.

I agree- I am never sure anymore when I read a thread whether someone was actually screaming or being angry when speaking to their spouse. In MN they’re both the same thing

Is her name Violet Elizabeth Bott?

(Was anyone else listening to Martin Jarvis on BBC4 this morning? )

My dd is 8. She has ocd traits, sensory processing disorder, anxiety and is likely on the spectrum.

She is extremely loud. Has poor emotional regulation and still is highly emotional so cries alot etc.

My family definitely struggle with her because she is 8 and looks like she should be able to be quite and in better control of situations. She can't.

As you can see from this thread, all of the additional descriptive words that have been added on about your child. For example spoiled. In fact alot of the posts are quite nasty. Which is how unfortunately adults view children who s behaviour doesn't fit into their expectations at times.

I dont think there is an issue in discussing children's behaviour in a family with each other. I think doing it over text is quite cowardly. That message would put my back up with its condescending tone.

Ring her. Ask for examples listen to what she has to say. If you can see her point of view maybe it ll help you come up with some strategies to help your dd. If you don't agree with her tell her.

Depends on context, 7 year olds though should know how to behave and there should be consequences if they don't. How bad was it? Screaming is really not on past toddler years unless sn

My friend was literally deaf to how loud her kids were. When she finally had hearing aids fitted she was horrified! Luckily her kids are lots of fun and their raucous yelling is charming to a passing visitor like me. I know her mum struggles to cope with the noise though, despite adoring the very bones of them.

@MsTSwift

Agree with Imust in our extended family it would be dealt with there and then. My lovely 7 year old niece playing a very loud electronic game - nearest adult “Ooh bit loud my love the grown ups are having a chat why don’t you take that on the other room”. Job done. But lots of extended family teachers so less pussy footing!

I definitely agree with this as this is how it is in my family too. People will say something there and then in the moment to the child instead of waiting until they're apart to message the parent. I don't think your sister did anything wrong with the message but it just seems like a weird way to go about it. Why not say anything to your daughter at the time? And I don't mean a telling off, just a gentle, 'remember to use inside voices when we're in the house please' or 'grandma isn't feeling too well so let's keep it down okay' it's not hard at all

I can see that you’d be affronted by the text but… read it a few times. It sounds as though your sister has thought carefully about what to say and perhaps is trying to avoid a confrontational face to face over it. I work with 7 year olds and screaming is normally only seen when they are very hurt or as part of a game and in the latter they would be told not to scream as it’s unpleasant and unnecessary. You could respond angrily but the situation will still be there. Thank her, tell her you feel embarrassed and a bit upset as it’s your child and let her help you.
Good luck.

Based on the op's comment, I think other family members don't feel comfortable telling her dd off. Which meant the behaviour carried on and everyone put up with it. This has led to carefully worded text by her sister to point out the behaviour. The text alone has got the op backs up. Imagine in person, te offence they would take.

OP never came back to say that her sister had children. I think this can make a massive difference.

My eldest who has lived on her own for many years gets really irritated when my younger kids make noise.

She says the kids are screeching when actually they are just being loud. I work with kids so my tolerance is high but there is a difference between screaming and just being loud.

I would not have appreciated the message either.