Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

[Lou2284]

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

“Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.”

See to me, this suggests the sister is the arsehole.

I'd like to know if sister is generally a bossy cow or whether this came out of the blue?

Good question.

A 7 year old child screamed/shouted/loud once on Christmas day - shocker...

Kids are not robots they are prone to random bouts of loudness - especially on Christmas day.

I dont understand, why if her child was screaming she didnt say at the time' Jesus xxxx you are making my ears bleed' rather than sitting there and sending a patronising message about how she should discipline her daughter later on.

For someone who can't see the screaming (apart from once) you have a lot of ideas for why she does it.

Is your sister known for making stuff up? Does your sister dislike her niece? If the honest answer is no then take her opinion on board from a place of love and concern and see what you can do about it.

A lot of people use "screaming" when they mean shouting. Could your sister mean that, especially as you acknowledge that your daughter is loud?

I can see both sides.

Your child should’ve been told to keep it down by whichever adult was closest and your sisters text is passive aggressive. And you’re in denial.

Yes…’screaming’ is a loaded word and a specific action. Few children just scream.

That was a difficult message for your sister to write, and for you to read.

No parent likes to hear their child being criticised, or to realise that family think their child is badly behaved. You feel you have failed as a parent and you worry that others dislike your child because of their behaviours.

From your comment about “asserting her presence”, it does sound as if she was being loud and domineering.

I’d respond, “Hi Sis, thanks for this. Jenny loved see you and was overexcited. Speak soon”

Don’t let it cause a rift.

But she's not a screaming child.

Then either your sister is exaggerating or you do not hear said screaming.

I’d respond, “Hi Sis, thanks for this. Jenny loved see you and was overexcited. Speak soon”

I think that’s a good response. Acknowledges while remaining neutral.

To be fair….I hate it when kids scream. Luckily it’s something mine rarely did, dd2 has Autism and can occasionally scream when having a meltdown but I deal with that by removing her from the situation. Kids that scream give me a head ache, I think it’s worse when it’s not your own child. So if I had to spend the day with a child that screamed I would feel a bit annoyed too. At the age of 7 she should be able to control herself a little when around other people?

I would be so annoyed with someone texting me suggesting how I should discipline my child, especially if that person didn’t have children themselves. I also hate the use of the word screaming to mean shouting or being loud. What do people who use it in this way say when they actually do mean screaming?

Good for your sister. The child next door to us screams for no reason. It drives me mad. I can’t sit in the garden when their out there.

When I worked in a nursery most of the children didn’t scream. If they did they were told to stop straight away. There’s plenty of ways to “assert their dominance” without screaming.

I'm guessing it's more shrieking than screaming. Does she get carried away when she's playing a game on the phone or something. I'm guessing that's what's happening. Girls that age can have quite piercing shrieks in that situation, the noise goes through you. Is it that? She just needs to be told to pipe down a bit. By anyone who's around her who loves her, basically. Including her auntie.

I used to hate it when DH's brother's ex-wife actually encouraged one of their daughters at 2 to literally scream (and this WAS an attention thing, because she'd laugh afterwards) because she thought it was cute that she was trying to assert herself and get her voice heard. It was just ear-piercing, horrific. But her mum actually mimicked her back and laughed. So it used to go on and on. It was frankly weird. And fucking annoying. Then again she used to think the world revolves around her, no thought for anyone else's feelings (the mum, that is). Wasn't a surrpise when they divorced because of her infidelity.....

Sorry, I digress......

I think possibly mum and grandma have asked your sister to intervene.

My sister was the one who never told her children “no” and they weren’t very nice to be around at times. I made sure mine had boundaries.

Was she screaming?
Did you deal with it?

@janbaby22

I would be so annoyed with someone texting me suggesting how I should discipline my child, especially if that person didn’t have children themselves. I also hate the use of the word screaming to mean shouting or being loud. What do people who use it in this way say when they actually do mean screaming?

They're trying to get their point across that it's shrill and nasty on the ears and there's no need for it, I think. Perhaps OP has missed her sister's raised eyebrows when OP's DD has been too loud in the past, or missed the gentle hints to pipe down, or even worse, perhaps OP doesn't see anything wrong with children shrieking and shouting so that it interrupts other conversation?

It's your job to teach your DD that screaming is not appropriate unless she is in danger or pain.

I

Yes, she is over stepping the mark by suggesting punishments. No, she isn't out of line for telling you that your screaming child is upsetting elderly relatives. At 7 years old, she should understand how to verbalise feelings and to be quiet with elderly relatives. My 4 year old knows this and whispers around his grandma. If she has SEN then this is a different kettle of fish but you haven't mentioned this so yes, your sister should have sent the first half of the text but not the second. Personally, I wouldn't allow my child to have my phone but each to their own.

For someone who can't see the screaming (apart from once) you have a lot of ideas for why she does it.

^This

I'd check with mum and grandma how they're finding things - wouldn't mention text or stir up any drama. I find the wording of the text jarring and patronising too, but others don't, so I suppose your sister may have written it in all good faith. I'd just text back and say thanks, best thing is to intervene on the spot rather than go for punishments, so if it happens again pls speak up and I've asked mum and grandma to help that way too.

@EarringsandLipstick

This text is a good way forward. She worded it well.

I can't believe anyone thinks this. If there was an issue, OP's DSis worded it awfully. She has no place deciding on how OP should parent or telling her how she should apply consequences.

Well believe it - I said it.

Elderly relatives and a 7 year old (not Sen child) screaming 😱 to assert her presence

Sister has put it diplomatically. We all have sympathy with a parent whose child kicks off or screams but it sounds like the OP child screams a lot for attention to get her own way and at 7/8 I wouldn’t expect that - it would stress me out never mind a relative who is elderly and ill. A text allows you to think rather than knee jerk. You could reply - I get this but I found the text abrupt etc can we talk? But I think the one by a PP is lovely assertive but kind.

Calling her sister out but explains why and leaves the parent to address it.

If the sister had put down what the parent should do - everyone would jump on it as telling / controlling a child she isn’t the parent of.

I trust this isn’t a drip feed.

Maybe we should all put up and shut up. Maybe we don’t say anything to our family for risk of offending. Maybe the odd word is objected to and analysed over and over.

The gist of her text reads nicely and obviously thinks you think she is fine whereas their nerves were probably up the wall.

Maybe your child is a typical 7 year old - they don’t scream to get attention unless distressed or hurt or angry usually by the age of 7. Maybe your child has Sen - maybe your boundaries are different. But she is trying to tell you how she and others might have felt don’t negate her feelings

I agree with your sister, screaming is impacting others & children should be taught not to do it.

Your 7 year old is screaming for no reason.
You are use to it and they are not.
Time to have a chat with your daughter about expressing herself a little more quietly.