Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

[Lou2284]

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

[Kdubs1981]

I would be angry too. It's absolutely none of your sister's business how you parent your child.

If she doesn't think she has overstepped any boundaries she is deluded and has no concept of the boundaries. But she does know she has overstepped, which is why she mentioned it

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

Does your sister have children? Before I had mine I was incredibly intolerant of loud and boisterous behaviour by other people's kids - I saw it as bad behaviour.

Maybe just monitor your child next time she's around and try to see her through her eyes. She might be making more noise than you realise. But just because your sister has brought it up doesn't necessarily mean she's right though - she also could have raised the point without adding the patronising punishment suggestions.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

@LifeAdvice

A bit of backstory is needed, but if your child is screaming in public and/or where there are more elderly members of the family, then yes, I agree with the content of her message and you need to work on this.

Was the message rude, like you ask? The tone, and fact that it is a text, suggest it was a difficult text for her to write, that she was worried she would overstep boundaries, but due to the severity of the behaviour felt it was more important to risk that with a text, than not.

Your response also suggests you don’t believe there is a problem, and that you find negative comments/suggestions about your child unwelcome and rude. Which makes me think that it would be difficult to have this conversation with you face-to-face.

So no, I don’t think she is rude, she is probably texting what your mother and grandmother are too polite to do so, because the don’t want to rock the boat.

And whilst you didn’t ask for it, I think you need to take on board her suggestions and create some boundaries with your child.

Finally, I think you should text your sister back: “Thanks [name], I know that must have been a difficult text to write, but I am grateful my sister will always tell me the truth, even if it is hard to hear. I’ll think over what you say, and try and come up with a solution. Parenting is a bit hard right now as Miss 7 certainly has her own personality now! But She and I will work on this. Love you.”

This is perfect OP. I'd say this.

[CharityDingle]

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly

Does your sister have children? Before I had mine I was incredibly intolerant of loud and boisterous behaviour by other people's kids - I saw it as bad behaviour.

Maybe just monitor your child next time she's around and try to see her through her eyes. She might be making more noise than you realise. But just because your sister has brought it up doesn't necessarily mean she's right though - she also could have raised the point without adding the patronising punishment suggestions.

Just for the sake of balance...I don't have children. Not in a million, trillion years would I send a message like that.

I posted earlier on the thread that I don't think it's well phrased, or tactful, as many seem to think.

I think the vast majority of parents are doing their best. Most children will be a bit more excitable around Christmas.

And above all, the OP's sister is vastly overstepping every possible boundary by making suggestions about sending the child to her room. None of her business to suggest things like that, imo.

[Bobholll]

I have two children. I don’t accept screaming from my almost 5 year old to be honest. She can express herself in words! It’s odd for a 7 year old to be screaming more than maybe occasionally in a park or softplay kinda scenario. Also, a 7 year plc with a phone makes me sad. They are children. My kids use my phone to watch TV but no way on earth they be having one until much later.

That said, I wouldn’t dream of messaging my family to complain about my DDs very loud cousins. They hurt my head, never heard the concept of indoor voices 🙈 but I complain about it privately 😂

[MrsMadderRose]

I don’t see why it’s awful or a dreadful indictment of how society sees children, to think they shouldn’t scream all the time (SN excepted) and should be told how to behave.

We tell children how to behave and how not to piss other people off. That’s a large part of parenting - along with the fun stuff and love and support, of course. It is in itself loving and caring parenting, even if the child doesn’t like it at the time, to give your child boundaries and say no they can’t do x y or z when x y or z is annoying, dangerous, mean etc.

It’s a much worse attitude to children to think they must be protected from all criticism and never be stopped from doing what they want. They’re born with no clue, that’s why parenting is necessary.

You can influence a child’s behaviour, enforce boundaries etc without being nasty or cruel.

[BlusteringBoobies]

@CharityDingle
Just for the sake of balance...I don't have children. Not in a million, trillion years would I send a message like that.

I posted earlier on the thread that I don't think it's well phrased, or tactful, as many seem to think.

I think the vast majority of parents are doing their best. Most children will be a bit more excitable around Christmas.

And above all, the OP's sister is vastly overstepping every possible boundary by making suggestions about sending the child to her room. None of her business to suggest things like that

Agree with everything said above. The OP has said numerous times that her child doesn't scream and that there was one occasion where this happened. And at christmas, all my nieces and nephews were loud and excitable (aged 4-8) and none of them are SEN or difficult children

[TopCatsTopHat]

Well said MrsNadderRose
If a child is behaving in an anti social way and a parent is managing and guiding them to better then a message such as in the op would be pointless interference, but if the parent is turning a blind eye and thinking everyone will love how spirited they are as much as they do (or they just want to avoid the donkey work of parenting) then they are setting the child up for difficulties in life as they aren't teaching them how to avoid social friction.

[Doomscrolling]

Your sister has flailed around to try and find language not to upset you, and she fluffed it.

It’s blatantly obvious she, your mum and your gran have talked about your daughter’s behaviour not being acceptable and they don’t perceive you stepping in to challenge that. Sis got the poisoned chalice of raising it with you.

Accept that they don’t view her volume as forgivingly as you do, and respond accordingly.

I also bet Sis doesn’t have children. I knew all there was to know about child rearing before I had kids, too, and had plenty of unhelpful ideas in my head about how parents should discipline their children.

[TueWed]

@Alondra

I'm fucking incensed for the amount of vitriol this post has attracted. I can't fucking believe a mother with a 7 year old, who is a child, can attract so many hateful posts with people laying on the blame to the child when the OP has only made 3 posts saying her daugher is introverted and quiet but "maybe" could have been loud. This after an awful text message from the sister when she didn't even acknowlege her niece name.'

ENOUGH. Enough blaming women seeking support for your own fucking issues.

Just ENOUGH.

as @debbrianna said, "A certain somone" was this used becuase the op allows her child to use her phone and it meant to be coded by the sister?

Doesnt take a rocket scientist to work that out

[bigsnazza]

tell it to shut up. the child and your sister.😁