Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

[Lou2284]

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

*Emotionally mature adults don't act like children and correct grammatical errors in a text message. Especially, when the person is raising a valid point. It screams 'I know you are right, but but but I am going to attack you and ignore the point because I am nor mature enough to deal with it'.

Its a text. Not a dissertation*

It's enlightening how many passive agressive people don't get their own passive agression being given back to them.

Emotionally mature adults discuss issues face to face, specially family and when it involves kids. They don't discuss the behaviour of a 7 y.o. niece with their sister on a text that a 14 y.o. can write.

The OP has said twice that her daughter doesn't scream. She's also said twice her daughter doesn't own a phone.

I think you should read the OP posts.

The fact that you aren't taking on board what anyone is saying kind of backs up what your sister is talking about.

Emotionally mature adults discuss issues face to face, specially family and when it involves kids. They don't discuss the behaviour of a 7 y.o. niece with their sister on a text that a 14 y.o. can write

No, not always. Being emotionally mature means you can recognise situations that are best not face to face. Especially if the person is going to get defensive and pretend the issue doesn't exist.

Op says her daughter is loud and asserting dominance. Does it matter if op disagree it's technically a scream. She is being loud and it's disturbing people. Their sick mother.

She is 7. Not 2 and can learn to control herself and to stop trying to assert dominance over family members by being loud.
She's also said twice her daughter doesn't own a phone.

I think you should read the OP posts.

I think you should read posts you are responding to. I didn't mention the child having their own phone.

Sorry but you need to teach your child to behave appropriately in public. A seven year old should not be screaming and upsetting elderly people. Do you think perhaps she might have some undiagnosed special needs?

Back in the olden days when I was a child adults would actually communicate with children as if children were people too. If we were screaming or too loud and it was bothering an adult, that adult would say: ‘hey kids not so loud or go play outside.’ Or ‘ouch that hurt my ears.’

For our social development there are 3 main circles of influence as outlined by Urie Bronfenbrenner‘s ecological systems theory:

The immediate family (parents/primary caregivers and siblings) are the inner circle. The extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) are the second outer circle and finally our community which includes neighbours, shops, schools, playgrounds, etc are the third outer circle.

All these areas influence us, teach us as we grow. The people from these circles of influence set the examples of how to behave by the way they behave in front of children, by the way they interact with the children and with the parents and with each other in front of children. Children are learning from everyone and everything around them.

That old saying that it takes a village to raise a family is true. But it’s not the village picking on the parents for every little misbehaviour observed in their children. It’s about having positive interactions and supporting one another.

It’s up to parents to find what works for them in parenting methods, it’s up to the village to decide how much support that they want to offer.

This attitude that parents have to anticipate every single way that an adult member of the community might be annoyed with their child/ren and intervene is ridiculous, a bit precious and self indulgent.

We are adults, learn how to communicate respectfully and effectively and deal with situations as they arise. Learn how to share this world with other people of different age groups and other differences too. Learn to have appropriate expectations and boundaries. And learn how to get along.

Because parents aren’t the only ones teaching their kids and our job is made that much harder when we have to counteract bad influences from others, when we have to contend with relational aggression and bullying, when we are being undermined and disrespected in front of our kids and when we have to do everything without any back up or help or support.

I don't believe she is asserting dominance. She's not very confident and doesn't speak up in class. I believe rather it may be attention seeking behavior. Believe me, it's hard to hear that about my child, but, I know my Sister isn't trying to be mean and clearly my childs behavior has been annoying my famiy. Perhaps I'm used to it and don't see it. But she's not a screaming child.

You have two separate issues:

1. your sister has massively overstepped and IMO needs to be put back in her box. You have every right to be annoyed at that sickly passive aggressive text message.

2. maybe your 7 year old needs to be more conscious of the level of her voice when she is excited.

If 2) is your greatest sin as a parent then congratulations on doing an amazing job.

I'd respond to sister 'sis, If we're all together and the level of her voice is bothering you please tell me at the time and I'll manage it. Otherwise please just enjoy her as an auntie and leave the discipline and development stuff to me. Lovely to see you at Christmas, hope to catch up soon.'

I think you may be in denial. Clearly there is a real issue here, but you can't see it.

Squealing and shouting outside in a playground = fine. Squealing and shouting indoors anywhere = not fine. How do you let your DD communicate at home? We have a no shouting indoors rule and my kids have understood it since they were preschoolers, I'd be mortified if they were so loud and annoying someone had to have words afterwards. That said... Maybe your DD was very excited about Christmas and you should be cut some slack. You've not explained the context - was she playing with cousins? Was she shouting over adult conversation to butt in?

Agree with Imust in our extended family it would be dealt with there and then. My lovely 7 year old niece playing a very loud electronic game - nearest adult “Ooh bit loud my love the grown ups are having a chat why don’t you take that on the other room”. Job done. But lots of extended family teachers so less pussy footing!

"Loud and asserting her presence" sounds like a. Very annoying little brat.

@ImustLearn2Cook

Back in the olden days when I was a child adults would actually communicate with children as if children were people too. If we were screaming or too loud and it was bothering an adult, that adult would say: ‘hey kids not so loud or go play outside.’ Or ‘ouch that hurt my ears.’

For our social development there are 3 main circles of influence as outlined by Urie Bronfenbrenner‘s ecological systems theory:

The immediate family (parents/primary caregivers and siblings) are the inner circle. The extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) are the second outer circle and finally our community which includes neighbours, shops, schools, playgrounds, etc are the third outer circle.

All these areas influence us, teach us as we grow. The people from these circles of influence set the examples of how to behave by the way they behave in front of children, by the way they interact with the children and with the parents and with each other in front of children. Children are learning from everyone and everything around them.

That old saying that it takes a village to raise a family is true. But it’s not the village picking on the parents for every little misbehaviour observed in their children. It’s about having positive interactions and supporting one another.

It’s up to parents to find what works for them in parenting methods, it’s up to the village to decide how much support that they want to offer.

This attitude that parents have to anticipate every single way that an adult member of the community might be annoyed with their child/ren and intervene is ridiculous, a bit precious and self indulgent.

We are adults, learn how to communicate respectfully and effectively and deal with situations as they arise. Learn how to share this world with other people of different age groups and other differences too. Learn to have appropriate expectations and boundaries. And learn how to get along.

Because parents aren’t the only ones teaching their kids and our job is made that much harder when we have to counteract bad influences from others, when we have to contend with relational aggression and bullying, when we are being undermined and disrespected in front of our kids and when we have to do everything without any back up or help or support.

I love this comment, so true. How much better would it have been for auntie to say "can you keep your voice down darling, grandma's not well," rather than a long retrospective text making it into A Big Deal, when OP clearly can't even remember the incident in question.

Has your sister given any examples @Lou2284 ?
I also don't agree with the punishments she's suggested.

How does your sister hear the screaming- do you, your DD, your sister mother and gran all live together?

Would not of stood for my dd screaming,why should others put up with her shoddy behaviour

I agree with her! A 7 year old shouldn’t be screaming constantly, that’s bratty behaviour unless SN. Also why does a 7 year old have a phone? Spoiled brat is my impression from what you’ve written

Something in your daughters behaviour must have made your sister feel she needs to send you that. Did she behave well? There is a chance you are oblivious to it?

You have every right to be annoyed at that sickly passive aggressive text message.

Exactly this. That text is appalling. If she has a point to make, dressing it up in that faux concerning & patronising way is not the way to do it.

She can address it with you / your DD when it happens.

However, giving a 7 yo a phone to look at regularly is not something I agree with, and regarding screaming / being loud, it does sound like something you should address, in your own way, without direction from your sister.

@DifferentHair

You have two separate issues:

1. your sister has massively overstepped and IMO needs to be put back in her box. You have every right to be annoyed at that sickly passive aggressive text message.

2. maybe your 7 year old needs to be more conscious of the level of her voice when she is excited.

If 2) is your greatest sin as a parent then congratulations on doing an amazing job.

I'd respond to sister 'sis, If we're all together and the level of her voice is bothering you please tell me at the time and I'll manage it. Otherwise please just enjoy her as an auntie and leave the discipline and development stuff to me. Lovely to see you at Christmas, hope to catch up soon.'

I agree with this.

Ask her to point it out when it happens.

It sounds like there may have been one particular incident that annoyed her.

I'm with your sister. Screaming and shouting are annoying at best, painful and distressing at worst. You don't seem to notice it but others clearly do.

I had screamers / squealers it's really really annoying.

I think that her pointing out that your daughter's behaviour was difficult for the rest of the family was not unreasonable (even though difficult to hear). But I think she overstepped by suggesting punishments (taking ohone away) and telling you that your daughter needs more discipline.

@speakout

How does your sister hear the screaming- do you, your DD, your sister mother and gran all live together?

It's literally just been Christmas.....

@Lou2284

I don't believe she is asserting dominance. She's not very confident and doesn't speak up in class. I believe rather it may be attention seeking behavior. Believe me, it's hard to hear that about my child, but, I know my Sister isn't trying to be mean and clearly my childs behavior has been annoying my famiy. Perhaps I'm used to it and don't see it. But she's not a screaming child.

Based in all your posts and this one.

You are in denial...

I find it annoying when people say 'screaming' when they mean 'shouting'.It's overly dramatic use of the word unless she was actually screaming.. The text is quite patronising What is your relationship usually like with sister? Agree with pp she should just ask her to be quiet or draw your attention to it at the time.