Annoyed at this message from my Sister about my child.

[Lou2284]

This is a message my sister sent me about my 7 year old DD.

"I just wanna say like I've noticed a certain someone screaming a lot more and I don't think it's appropriate especially in places like where there is mum who is tired and sick and also grandma.

I just feel like it's important to express that people scream in threatening situations and not for attention. Maybe you can take the phone from her for a day or something or send her to a room if she does it.

I dunno have you spoken to her about it yet?
Hope u don't think I'm overstepping any boundaries , just think it's important to say as an Auntie that there needs to be some discipline. Don't want them to think that screaming is an appropriate form of expression rather than using actual words..."

This message really got my back up, yes she was loud and she has started to try and assert her presence. I just found the message rude?
Interested in opinions.....

Can’t see how it is overstepping. Seems kinder than calling you out for in public if your child is screaming and you’re just not noticing or not dealing with it. I know plenty of kids like this and their parents seem immune to it.

Arguably also kinder and more honest to actually say something to you they sure as hell are saying this to each other - would you rather that and just not know?

I would be really pissed off as well. It's none of her business but I guess she is coming from a good place. I think it would hurt because she's basically criticising your parenting.

Does she have any kids herself? I think it would annoy me even more if she didn't as she wouldn't understand how hard it can be to stop your child acting in a certain way.

No advice other than to say I understand why you would be annoyed by this message!

Your sister has tried to word her text to you very carefully. It got your back up because it must be true as there was nothing rude about it. Unfortunately, it seems like your head is in the sand about your child’s behaviour which is a shame, as until you actually parent her properly, she will continue to annoy family members. You don’t want to get to a point where they avoid you because they don’t want to be around your child.

Maybe she texted cause she can't carry on a conversation because of the screaming/asserting dominance

You are saying that your child screamed ONCE on Christmas day and THIS is what your sister is criticising?

If this is true then your sister is being unreasonable as one screaming incident in one day isn't an issue imo unless it went on for 10 minutes or more

I wouldn't give your child your phone when your sister is around because sister obviously links the phone usage with the one single screaming incident.

Personally I think a 7 year old is too young to have unsupervised access to tech

Your sister is right.

7yo shouldn't be screaming to assert their presence.

They should be talking to adults to engage them.

If your dd is doing this because she honestly has no other clue how to communicate id be very concerned about underlying SN.

Are we really talking about shrieking here, rather than screaming?
I’ve got three kids and have to say, shrill outbursts were par for the course with all of them, whether in joy, surprise, outrage or dismay. Especially at 7.

And they’re all different fish…a loud one, a quiet one and an in-betweeny one too. They all shrieked at times. Still do occasionally and they are teenagers now.

I can’t believe the same is not true of the Mumsnet children.

@LifeAdvice

A bit of backstory is needed, but if your child is screaming in public and/or where there are more elderly members of the family, then yes, I agree with the content of her message and you need to work on this.

Was the message rude, like you ask? The tone, and fact that it is a text, suggest it was a difficult text for her to write, that she was worried she would overstep boundaries, but due to the severity of the behaviour felt it was more important to risk that with a text, than not.

Your response also suggests you don’t believe there is a problem, and that you find negative comments/suggestions about your child unwelcome and rude. Which makes me think that it would be difficult to have this conversation with you face-to-face.

So no, I don’t think she is rude, she is probably texting what your mother and grandmother are too polite to do so, because the don’t want to rock the boat.

And whilst you didn’t ask for it, I think you need to take on board her suggestions and create some boundaries with your child.

Finally, I think you should text your sister back: “Thanks [name], I know that must have been a difficult text to write, but I am grateful my sister will always tell me the truth, even if it is hard to hear. I’ll think over what you say, and try and come up with a solution. Parenting is a bit hard right now as Miss 7 certainly has her own personality now! But She and I will work on this. Love you.”

This text is a good way forward. She worded it well.

This text is a good way forward. She worded it well.

I can't believe anyone thinks this. If there was an issue, OP's DSis worded it awfully. She has no place deciding on how OP should parent or telling her how she should apply consequences.

I understand that you're bristling over the message. It's not nice to hear but maybe there's some truth to it? Maybe you are so used to the screaming/loudness that it's normal to you but not to your family.

I would take heed.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think the text is really quite rude.

'A certain someone' is just such an awful way to address your child, it reads like a lecture and basically is telling you you're not disciplining her correctly.

IF we take the content to be true then I wouldn't expect to receive a text like this from a sibling, I'd be hoping a conversation could be had which is more along the lines of 'is everything ok, can I offer anymore support'? Or better yet, address it at the time rather than after the event.

But you have said several times your daughter doesn't scream other than on one occasion but is perhaps a little attention seeking. I think the poster who called her a 'spoilt brat' is vile. All children around this age go through bursts of wanting to be heard/the centre of attention. The crux is how you deal with it.

I hope your sister comes back to you with some examples or, better yet, picks up the phone to actually talk to you about this.

That message is from someone who is being tactful and kind.

Your statement that your daughter 'asserts her presence' is very revealing.

Instead of seeing an attack on your child, step back, look at her and see what others see.

Either your sister is a foul human being who hates you and wants to hurt you

Or

She is showing you your daughter through other people's eyes.

@pictish

I can’t believe the same is not true of the Mumsnet children.

Of course it is. But in this case it was obviously annoying enough for the sister to raise it in a seperate very specific, message. So I think we can presume that whether it's screaming, shrieking, shouting, yelling in delight, joy, anger, upset or whatever that it's sufficiently irritating to need addressing in some form. The OP might be happy with her "spirited" child but they need to learn how to behave in certain situations and lunch with grandma is different to running around the playground.

Oh, OP, tough stuff and it is both hard to see our kids through other’s eyes, and to hear them criticised.

I think text is a terrible way to communicate about this stuff. Can you ask your sister to come round and chat?

Does your DSis have kids?

The pre Christmas shopping period has left me utterly intolerant of kids whose parents let them squeal and shriek in supermarkets, and have never introduced the idea of an ‘indoors voice’ etc.

It nay be that your DSis is a critical mean minded intolerant grinch, or she might have a point.

I think all you can do is explore what she means, reflect, and make your own decision as to how to proceed.

You maybe used to it so don't notice it. Honestly I cringe when I hear kids screaming at that age especially little girls as it's shrill and hurts your ears. If your sister is saying it she is probably trying to help you not being mean. Please try and step back from this and watch if your DD is screaming a lot, ask other family members, good friends and tell them you need them to be honest.

7 year screaming in company for no reason is much ruder than a polite message addressing the problem.

I think you’re getting too tied up over your sisters use of the word screaming. Maybe it was a poor choice of words. You say yourself she was being loud.

So concentrate on that. Because being loud isn’t fair on others, especially older or sick people. If your sister has said it then everyone else is thinking it and it’s unlikely to be a one off occurrence. It needs sorting out.

@pictish

I can’t believe the same is not true of the Mumsnet children.

Oh my DD at 8 can be loud and attention seeking and annoying AF, but when she is I know it and tell her to reign it in.

I think the difference is that it sounds like op doesn't although it sounds like she's taken it onboard so I'm not going to attack her.

Su - you’re making assumptions there. We don’t really know how it went. There are people who complain about children playing in their own garden, people who bang on the wall when a baby cries in the night, people who think children should be seen and not heard. There are people who expect children to behave like they’re 35.

Now I’m not saying the sister is wrong here…perhaps the OP’s daughter does need guidance on how to better behave in company. God knows, the shrillness of a child can set one’s teeth on edge. I understand that.
But what are we talking about here? None of us know…yet everyone is assuming the sister’s side and giving the OP a hard time. Does that make sense?

Maybe there's a halfway between what you see/ hear and what others see/ hear. I wouldn't send a text like that to be perfectly honest. And I don't think it's well worded.

I would shush the child, at the time, if the noise was near someone sick or elderly. That probably wouldn't go down well either, I guess. But not in a million years would I suggest another person should send their child to their room or anything like that.

I think most people are doing their best, when it comes to their children, and most, if not all children will have challenging moments, especially around Christmas which can be highly charged for many families.

I'm guessing that your child is generally loud and auntie is fed up with it as you aren't dealing with it and worried about the granny too.
Personally, I'd have spoken to my niece at the time. 'Hey Jane, pipe down a bit because granny isn't feeling well and you're being very loud'. Job done