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Original poster

8 year old son has said he wants to live with his dad and new family…

156 replies

VikSoph · 20/12/2021 06:53

My ex and I split up when our son was only a year old and he has lived with me full time ever since then.

When my son was younger, his dad was very absent and inconsistent. He had a string of girlfriends, one after another and didn’t really take his role as a father seriously until our son was about 4.

In the last year, he has got a new partner who also has a child from a previous relationship. She seems nice enough and I can see my son looks forward to seeing his dad and his new little stepsister every other weekend.

Very shortly after meeting, they moved in and have now had a new baby and my son is absolutely smitten with his new little brother.

However. My ex and I recently had an argument about childcare costs. We had this fight on Thursday, the day before my son was due to go to his dad’s.

His dad texted me yesterday morning to warn me that when he drops our son off “they would like to talk to me about something”.

When he returned home, he dropped the bombshell on me that he would like to go live with his dad now. He was in tears when he was telling me and when I asked him why he was upset, he said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I told him it was something we would think about and we’d talk about it tomorrow.

I really don’t know what to do or what the right decision is.

My ex has only ever had our son once a fortnight. He used to live ~20 miles away and when he met his new girlfriend, he moved in with her… another 20 miles away so he now lives 40 miles away (a 2.5 hour drive).

His dad has never once been to a single parent-teacher conference, doctor's/dentist appointment or school play.
I have often asked him if he’d be able to have him an extra night here or there, and the answer is always a resounding no. He has never once had our son for a week here or there in the half terms and has never even taken him on holiday.

I understand that they have this whole lovely family unit going on and the notion of growing up with his baby brother is a really attractive one. But I can’t work out if it’s in his best interests?

Am I wrong or just being selfish by wanting to put my foot down and say no?

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 20/12/2021 07:00

Personally I would say no to him being there full time, but you could try a 50/50 arrangement but give it a trial period first. Your son deserves to see you for half of the time too. He needs both parents in his lives. Do you think this has to do with him trying to stop paying you money? It seems strange that this has only arisen after your argument. Is tour ex manipulative? Have you had instances of where he has put pressure on your son before? Tell your ex you need time to think about a change in arrangements. Dont be pressurised into making a decision.

Spiderelf · 20/12/2021 07:01

What does his dad and step mum say about it all? Do they even want him to live their permanently? Do they have the space?

If his dad is on board, I think it's something you should build up to rather than straight away. So he stays over more often or for longer. Maybe he should stay over for a week in the holidays and see what he thinks.

You mentioned about the childcare costs. Being cynical, do you think his dad has mentioned this idea to him as a way of saving childcare costs? If his new partner is on may leave, she could look after him all day?

Obel · 20/12/2021 07:02

You are not wrong or selfish. If I was in your position I would say no. Maybe I would agree to extra visits or holidays but not moving in. Sounds like this has happened because of the argument.

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GutsInMay · 20/12/2021 07:03

No you would not be selfish.

He is 8 years old, his Dad has a very poor track record. Oh surprise surprise this happened after a row about his financial contribution.

In your shoes I would tell your Ds that his Dad will always be his Dad, he will always be big brother to his little sibling, but he lives with you in his home and goes to his school etc.

And I would tell ex that your Ds’s interests are best protected by not messing with his head.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 07:03

Absolutely not. I don’t believe he is old enough to make the decision yet.
Presumably your son would need to move school if he lived with them ?

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2021 07:06

At this point in time if he's spent no additional time there it doesn't sound like the best idea. Can your son go for a bit longer at Xmas? As it's during the school holidays. I'm sure he'll be ready to come home after.

As for making a permanent arrangement do not rush into anything. Is your son settled at school? Is there wider family that currently support you and help out? It's all he's known, uprooting a young child at this age from his home.

Of course you are happy to facilitate more contact with dad. But to go from eow to full time parent just seems wrong.

MadamBuxton · 20/12/2021 07:08

If your ex was a good dad who wanted more time with your son, he would have talked to you about it first and not put your son in the upsetting position you describe. This coming immediately after your argument about money doesn’t seem like a coincidence either. If your ex was to split from his new partner it’s fairly obvious he’d be less keen on your son living with him. The fact that you’re even considering your ex’s request in case it’s the right thing for your son shows what a good parent you are Smile

Thatsplentyjack · 20/12/2021 07:09

Sounds like he's had words put into his mouth. I would be digging deeper to see just how this conversation went and who's idea it was. Also, absolutely no way would me child be going to live with their dad just because he didn't want tk pay childcare costs. I'm guessing his plan is to get the new girlfriend or grandparents to look after his son?

HelloDulling · 20/12/2021 07:11

I would suggest longer stays in the holidays, and if school switches to home learning he can go for some of those weeks. Agree to reconsider in a few months time.

GutsInMay · 20/12/2021 07:11

How could they do 50/50 with school, when the Dad lives 40 miles away?

This man has prioritised his new partners location rather than make the effort to move closer to his son. He has only taken a greater interest in his son since he has had a live in partner. To take the strain?

Build up to seeing more of him in her holidays etc (but see Dad’s track record on extra nights) by all means, but there is no way I would be making my 8 year old child vulnerable to this man’s flaky parenting !

whiteroseredrose · 20/12/2021 07:14

This was me 50 years ago.

My dad was putting pressure on me after he remarried. He had never been absent but lived 100 miles away so i only saw him in holidays.

What strikes me is your son's tears. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings and is feeling under pressure.

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/12/2021 07:16

Absolutely not but I would look into extended visits during half term, summer and Xmas holidays.

GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 07:17

When I was little my parents divorced and I remember thinking that dad was my ‘favourite’ parent. When his new kids came long I thought it wasn’t fair that they saw him every day, and so did his new wife’s kids, and I didn’t.
I might well have agreed to living there if asked, but in reality it wouldn’t have worked and I’d have hated it.
I really can’t see the new girlfriend wanting another child to look after.
Also, what happens if they split up ? Can his dad still have him full time ?

Jossbow · 20/12/2021 07:19

How can 40 miles away = 2.5 hours?

40 iles, although really not good, is do-able for a school run if you were to try 50/50 . Could you increase his access time in the week end/holidays to start with?

When you are a one, the pull of siblings/ other children must be quite tough.

Desnt sound as though his dad went the right way about it, but do talk to your son, you soon judge his feelings/whose idea it was

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 20/12/2021 07:20

I’d agree to 50/50 for now
I have a feeling your son is going to end up very hurt over his expectations. Of course his father gone will seem like a holiday if he’s only there once a fortnight. The reality is likely to be very different.

ANameChangeAgain · 20/12/2021 07:22

I think it sounds like appeasement. He dad has only been in his life for 4 years, and now he is seeing him with the new baby and wants to be part of that. I've seen this with another relative, lots if empty promises from a deadbeat dad with a young boy desperately wanting the father figure.
At 8 though, he is old enough to decide that he would like more contact, so build up to 60/40 (so you remain resident parent) and see how it goes. Make sure he knows it is completely his choice.

SleighbellsZ · 20/12/2021 07:23

Your sons not old enough to make such a big decision I feel.
Your ex should have spoke to you prior.

Is it 40 miles or 400?
40 miles is doable as doesn't take 2.5 so could do 50/50.

Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 07:26

@Jossbow

How can 40 miles away = 2.5 hours?

40 iles, although really not good, is do-able for a school run if you were to try 50/50 . Could you increase his access time in the week end/holidays to start with?

When you are a one, the pull of siblings/ other children must be quite tough.

Desnt sound as though his dad went the right way about it, but do talk to your son, you soon judge his feelings/whose idea it was

I should've worded that better- 2.5 hour round trip. Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles.

But never mind, That's neither here nor there. Point is, it's often used as the excuse for why he can't/won't have our son during the week.
But exactly what you've said, I am more than happy for increased contact during the holidays. It's something I've actually offered several times previously.

And I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't appreciate being put on the spot in that manner and not having had the courtesy of an adult conversation beforehand, rather using our child to deliver some news that quite frankly, is a bit too deep for him to fully grasp.

OP posts:
Iwab82 · 20/12/2021 07:27

No way. You son has no idea what living there would be like. He would be homesick. Offer more time but don't just roll over and agree. This sounds like something thought up by your ex. Terrible way of presenting this to you as well. He doesn't sound like he's been the greatest Dad so far.

Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 07:34

@MadamBuxton

If your ex was a good dad who wanted more time with your son, he would have talked to you about it first and not put your son in the upsetting position you describe. This coming immediately after your argument about money doesn’t seem like a coincidence either. If your ex was to split from his new partner it’s fairly obvious he’d be less keen on your son living with him. The fact that you’re even considering your ex’s request in case it’s the right thing for your son shows what a good parent you are Smile
So this is another one of my issues with the whole situation- the way he's gone about this is completely wrong in my opinion.

I was given no prewarning this was going to be the topic of conversation. So when I had this bombshell dropped on me, it took every ounce of willpower I had to just smile sweetly and keep my composure in order to not upset our son further.

This is something my ex should've 100% spoken to me about, as adults, rather than get our eight year old CHILD to deliver the message.

OP posts:
Crazykatie · 20/12/2021 07:37

I would have a word with the new girlfriend and see how she feels and what the house is like, what are the sleeping arrangements etc. if it all looks OK then extra weekends at first and go from there. The crunch will come in a couple of years with the move to secondary school, who he lives with, at that age the child’s wishes are important.

ShippingNews · 20/12/2021 07:38

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

Solasum · 20/12/2021 07:39

Is there another trusted adult in your son’s life who could take him out for hot chocolate or go the park or something and have a little chat with him about this? Someone he does not need to worry about upsetting.

If you and your DS usually have a good relationship, is it possible your ex has said something to him about not being able to see him as much anymore unless he moves in with him?

reallyworriedjobhunter · 20/12/2021 07:40

If the argument was about childcare costs, is he planning on his partner doing after school childcare and saving money and that is what this is actually about?

Your ex sounds vile. Expecting an 8 year old to broach this with his own mother and I agree with others that he sounds like he was pressured.

I would have a word with a solicitor about it all tbh.

Solasum · 20/12/2021 07:41

For what it is worth there is no way I would agree to 50/50 in these circumstances. If dad is unreliable that will become apparent sooner or later, so it is absolutely vital that you are the constant for your son.