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Original poster

8 year old son has said he wants to live with his dad and new family…

156 replies

VikSoph · 20/12/2021 06:53

My ex and I split up when our son was only a year old and he has lived with me full time ever since then.

When my son was younger, his dad was very absent and inconsistent. He had a string of girlfriends, one after another and didn’t really take his role as a father seriously until our son was about 4.

In the last year, he has got a new partner who also has a child from a previous relationship. She seems nice enough and I can see my son looks forward to seeing his dad and his new little stepsister every other weekend.

Very shortly after meeting, they moved in and have now had a new baby and my son is absolutely smitten with his new little brother.

However. My ex and I recently had an argument about childcare costs. We had this fight on Thursday, the day before my son was due to go to his dad’s.

His dad texted me yesterday morning to warn me that when he drops our son off “they would like to talk to me about something”.

When he returned home, he dropped the bombshell on me that he would like to go live with his dad now. He was in tears when he was telling me and when I asked him why he was upset, he said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I told him it was something we would think about and we’d talk about it tomorrow.

I really don’t know what to do or what the right decision is.

My ex has only ever had our son once a fortnight. He used to live ~20 miles away and when he met his new girlfriend, he moved in with her… another 20 miles away so he now lives 40 miles away (a 2.5 hour drive).

His dad has never once been to a single parent-teacher conference, doctor's/dentist appointment or school play.
I have often asked him if he’d be able to have him an extra night here or there, and the answer is always a resounding no. He has never once had our son for a week here or there in the half terms and has never even taken him on holiday.

I understand that they have this whole lovely family unit going on and the notion of growing up with his baby brother is a really attractive one. But I can’t work out if it’s in his best interests?

Am I wrong or just being selfish by wanting to put my foot down and say no?

OP posts:
JSL52 · 20/12/2021 07:42

@ShippingNews

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

Irrelevant to the post , but you can't drive the whole journey at 60mph.
Dozer · 20/12/2021 07:44

It concerns me that you’re even considering changing the current arrangement.

Your ex manipulating your son in that way is unhealthy for your son.

ShirleyBadass · 20/12/2021 07:46

@ShippingNews

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

Is this actually the only thing you can focus on in this whole thread? Missing the point much.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 07:46

@Mumdiva99

At this point in time if he's spent no additional time there it doesn't sound like the best idea. Can your son go for a bit longer at Xmas? As it's during the school holidays. I'm sure he'll be ready to come home after.

As for making a permanent arrangement do not rush into anything. Is your son settled at school? Is there wider family that currently support you and help out? It's all he's known, uprooting a young child at this age from his home.

Of course you are happy to facilitate more contact with dad. But to go from eow to full time parent just seems wrong.

This is what I'm worried about. I don't think my son does appreciate just how much he would end up losing/giving up. He absolutely loves his school. In fact, he was gutted when we were in lockdown and genuinely couldn't wait to go back. He does quite a few extracurricular activities- swimming, scuba diving lessons, film club, maths club. His best friend lives a five minute walk up the road and his Aunty is in the next village over.

And spot on what you've mentioned- once a fortnight to full time is a massive leap.
Whenever I need help with childcare during half terms and school holidays, and as a courtesy, I always go to him first.
If this is about him wanting to spend more time with his son, I have given him AMPLE opportunity to do so.

OP posts:
RussianSpy101 · 20/12/2021 07:48

So he would have to move school and leave all his friends, clubs etc ?

It would be a no from me and I reckon dad has had a lot to do with this!

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 07:49

I would just say no. At your ds age it's not appropriate for him to make the decision. I'd suggest to your ex, that you will be up for further discussions when your ds is a few years older.

I would suggest that you split the school holidays 50/50, I do this with my ex, eow and 50/50 during the holidays.

If your ex starts to argue simply tell him to go via the courts if he feels that strongly.

I suspect it's due to child maint costs and that he's now got a built in childminder

Emilygoesa · 20/12/2021 07:52

Would you ask Women's Aid? I think it was abusive to the 8 year old, to have, to say Mummy l want to live with Daddy. That is outrageous. It should be a series of conversations and meetings between the adults. The fact that the father did not want him for extra time before make it seems particularly odd. I would not formalise a 50/50, as l think the Dad is abusive. I would allow extra time on school holidays and see how the child reacts.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 07:52

@ShippingNews not all of us live near major roads, to do 50 odd miles round by me would take a lot longer than an hour!

YRGAM · 20/12/2021 07:52

I know it has no bearing on whether it's right for your son's arrangements to change, but I find it utterly OUTRAGEOUS that your ex didn't discuss this with you first. I'm actually angry on your behalf

LowlyTheWorm · 20/12/2021 07:53

Have a chat today with your son and see what he “thinks” (it may transpire this is more like what he’s been told rather than thinking himself) it would be like if he lived with dad- bedroom, school, friends etc. I’m sure it will become apparent that his dad has persuaded him and actually your son won’t have realised he’d need to change school and hobbies etc…

JamesWilbysAbs · 20/12/2021 07:53

Your poor son is in a very difficult position. He may have wanted to please his dad by saying something like, I like coming here. And if his dad then asked Would you like to live here? what else could your son reply???? Then this has been developed into Tell your mum you want to live here.... and now the poor child can't back down so is upset about hurting you AND his dad.
It's appalling that his dad sent him as a messenger.

JayGM · 20/12/2021 07:55

And I agree with two points on this thread made by PP

  • Given his school situation and how settled he is you have every right to just refuse
  • This is definitely driven by the new baby arriving
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 20/12/2021 07:56

Your ex obviously isn't putting your ds wants and needs above his own. If he was, and his ds had told him he wants to live with him, then he would have contacted you before agreeing anything with his son and discussed all aspects of this change with YOU and not sent his son as the messenger. What a total arsehat!

I suspect he has r even given any thought to your sons education, social life, clubs, doctors, dentists etc etc. he's just seen ££ signs.

Do you work OP, I'm presuming he's expect child maintenance off you if your dc was with him full time

hivemindneeded · 20/12/2021 07:58

Your ex sounds like a shit. I'd suggest that to find out if this is the right decision, why doesn't he start spending more time with his dad's new family - sleeping over an extra night every week, and maybe his dad could do some of the core parenting activities like attending parents' evening, taking his son to the dentist.buying him new coat and shoes for winter etc. But keep a close eye out because your son will feel crushed when he realises his dad is not that caring about him.

Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 07:58

@Solasum

Is there another trusted adult in your son’s life who could take him out for hot chocolate or go the park or something and have a little chat with him about this? Someone he does not need to worry about upsetting.

If you and your DS usually have a good relationship, is it possible your ex has said something to him about not being able to see him as much anymore unless he moves in with him?

I love this idea. Yeah I'll definitely look into arranging that. Because you're right, even if it's not my intention, of course he'll feel pressured whilst talking to me about it as well. He is a really sensitive and thoughtful boy, so I can only imagine how torn he feels right now. Thank you so much for this suggestion!
OP posts:
Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 08:02

[quote GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow]@ShippingNews not all of us live near major roads, to do 50 odd miles round by me would take a lot longer than an hour! [/quote]
I live in Norfolk- major roads are just urban folklore round these parts Grin

OP posts:
Solasum · 20/12/2021 08:07

@VikSoph Smile. Maybe they could also be the one to point out (very subtly) that a move would affect school etc?

Original poster
VikSoph · 20/12/2021 08:08

@YRGAM

I know it has no bearing on whether it's right for your son's arrangements to change, but I find it utterly OUTRAGEOUS that your ex didn't discuss this with you first. I'm actually angry on your behalf
This is it! And, granted, things got heated after we sent our son inside to go brush his teeth. I will fully admit, I did struggle to keep it civil. But I was just so shocked that he couldn't see how wrong this was of him!
OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 20/12/2021 08:09

@ShippingNews

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

You do realise very road isn't 60mph though?!
GutsInMay · 20/12/2021 08:12

@ShippingNews

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

Highly unlikely that the whole journey can be done at 60mph, given either rural roads or sub/urban traffic at school run time. Plus on a 50/50 arrangement this would be for two school days each week? The round trip twice a day? A total of 216 miles driving a day on top of work, childcare for other child etc… Not sensible.
itsgettingwierd · 20/12/2021 08:13

Your ds is 8yo.

This makes me very suspicious that he didn't completely make this decision alone or initiate the idea. Especially with the timing after an argument about finances.

Does your ds fully understand the impact of this decision? A move of schools, different house and only seeing you weekends and holidays? I find it hard to think at 8yo he can actually fully see the consequences of this decision and that far ahead.

I would tell him you'd fully support any decision he's made but would absolutely love him to live you you FT. Then ask him questions in a non emotional way like "do you know what your new school will be like?". That way you're pointing out the whole bigger picture of this decision.

I very much suspect he was crying as coerced and once he realises the whole impact he'll admit he wishes to stay with you.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/12/2021 08:13

Communicate everything in writing

Start with "I'm so glad you now want to spend more time with our son, obviously we don't want to disrupt his schooling and extra curricular activities so have him half the holidays and we will review next summer"

Bet he won't

drawacircleroundit · 20/12/2021 08:14

Agree to more visiting time and then watch as they can't/don't want to accommodate him (obviously protecting your son from this reality). You are the better parent. Have the confidence to know this, but also be prepared for, as your son ages, his dad's lack of interest becoming an attractive "yeah, I'm left alone to do what I want" magnet.

PurBal · 20/12/2021 08:15

@ShippingNews

Actually, since been on Google just to fact check and surprised myself in discovering it's actually 54 miles

Even 108 miles round trip would only take 1 hour and 48 minutes at 60mph.

What routes do you go on that have a 60mph limit the entire way? I’d assume 30mph as average. Between here and my parents, around 60 miles, would take me 1hr 15 each way, about half is motorway, part is country lanes, part is limited to 30 or 40.
Redburnett · 20/12/2021 08:17

Just say no. Stick to the current arrangement but offer more time with Dad in school holidays. Be firm with your son, emphasising school, friends, clubs. Your DS had a stable and fulfilling life with you. He's probably had a lovely weekend at Dad's and is imagining it would always be like that. But it wouldn't, and as he gets older the appeal of the little brother will probably fade.