WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

Would you go OP to something you suddenly very strongly hated for some reason. I know I wouldn't despite having pre paid

Forget the money. Tell her she can stop. She clearly isn't enjoying it.

Pick your battles OP ....there will be plenty of things she 'has' to do later in life..... this is not one of these times...... you can't force her... just let it go

And I wouldn't say 'hysterical crying' is a tantrum.

Nah, I think you’re being cruel.

She sounds like she’s scared.
I wouldn’t be trying to force her to go.

Honestly, she tried something and didn't like it. She tried it multiple times, not just once. She wanted to do something because it looked cool and she thought she'd like it. She was wrong.
Its not her fault its expensive or had a long commitment.
Forcing her to go isn't going to be teaching her what you want it to. If she hates, she'll be miserable and not gain anything from being there. She may kick off and be disruptive to get herself kicked out. You won't be getting the value for money anyway.
She's not learning what you want her to. She's learning that if she wants to try something new and doesn't like it, then it will become a big ordeal with punishment at home and no way out. She's learning not to try new things.
I'd have a non pressured chat with her, ask if why she doesn't like it. Is there anything that can be done to make it nicer. (Is she hungry before/after and a snack could help? Is the day too long?) But then back off and let her quit.
I've signed up for things and paid for them as an adult, and they haven't worked out, and that's sad. But I don't make myself go to them just because I paid. I encourage myself to try new things and accept that there's a risk I won't like it.

@Legoisthebest

And I wouldn't say 'hysterical crying' is a tantrum.

This! Listen to what your DD is telling you, in the strongest language she knows- she doesn't want to be there, so please stop taking her.

You punished her for not wanting to go back to a sport where she hurt herself?

She tried it, she doesn't like it. What on earth is the point of forcing her to go week after week? What lesson do you honestly think she'll learn.

I'll give you a clue - she'll learn not to try new things in case she doesn't like them as you'll force her to keep going and punish her when she doesn't want to.

Whatever her reasons are (and regardless of whether they seem reasonable to you) I think you need to bottom out whether this is just a 'tantrum' or genuine distress. If she's genuinely frightened or uncomfortable, you shouldn't be threatening or coercing her to return to the situation that's causing her distress - not the kind of message you want to send to your child!

Is it possible she's not opening up to you fully because she thinks you won't accept her real reasons for going off it? And/or it's not something she can articulate properly, not even to herself.

Its annoying. But if she genuinely hates it then I don't think she should be forced to go. But I would want to know why.

Oh bless her this isn't kind.

Kids sometimes dont have words for "anxiety". Often it comes out as "tummy ache."

Why are you punishing her for being anxious??

Before she signed up for the course she obviously had an idea of what it would be like but hadn't experienced it. Once she started she's realised it's not as she imagined.

My daughter was like this about a club she'd been at. It turned out a lot later one of the coaches wasnt particulalry nice. But she couldnt articulate that and was just scared of going.

Please don't force her what do you think you are achieving?

I don’t think OP is being cruel.

DD is 8, not 3!! she wanted to do the club. I think she should see out the term! But you can’t really make her. I’d find it pretty frustrating to be honest.

I’d say next time she wants to do something like that she saves up out of her own pocket money/chores to pay for it herself. It’s no bad thing to learn about money wasted.

And FWIW yes, I would carry on with something if I paid, even if I then never went back to it again.

I think its quite a good skill to learn in childhood that you don't have to do something "just because you paid..." It's not one everyone learns.

It took me until my 30s to realise I didn't have to do things out of obligation! I parent differently.

Well somethings not right clearly.

It's probably too late now as it's end of term, but I would have negotiated it so I went with her 1-1, no popping off anywhere whilst she was doing the class and watched all of it. It sounds like she's scared and the reality of it terrifies her. Then you might have seen what the issue is.

Maybe chalk it up to experience and the next time she's desperate to do something similar, gently remind her of this episode?

I do see everyone’s point definitely (maybe I’m just horrible!) and would definitely take a softer approach for a younger child.

I wouldn’t punish her but I would have consequences for her in a practical way - so not let her do another club etc.
Forcing her to go benefits nobody

I would stop sending her. Not everything is about money.

Why not let her do another club? Do you think you should stay commited ti the first one you choose at 8? Surely its the perfect time for trying different clubs until you see what "sticks". Its much harder to start at 12 so a good age to try things. Without trying you don't know what things will be like or what you will enjoy when you do it.

@Hoppinggreen

I wouldn’t punish her but I would have consequences for her in a practical way - so not let her do another club etc. Forcing her to go benefits nobody

How is she ever supposed to know if she'll enjoy something?

At 8 I might have thought I'd like climbing. As an adult, I know that I'm scared of heights and wouldn't enjoy it.

Not allowing children to explore any activities on the basis they might not like it is bizarre behaviour.

If you force her to stick it out for the term because its paid for it will make her reluctant to try new things. Its a shame the club couldn't have offered a couple of pay as you go taster sessions, rather than making you commit up front.

You’ve paid for it anyway so either you listen to your child and don’t force her to do something that, for whatever reason, she feels uncomfortable doing or you have this argument every week and continue to punish her for feeling upset and wanting to have some control over how she spends her time.

She’ll learn to see things through, she’ll find things that she is passionate about and she’ll work at them even when they get hard, this club is not that. Of course one stumbling block on the road to finding things that she loves doing will be if she’s too scared to try something new because she knows she’ll be forced to continue with it even if she doesn’t enjoy it.

Might be worth having a word with the coach or teacher to try and understand what happened to your daughter and why it scared her so much. It might be she needs a different approach to other children in the class or misinterpreted what someone said. If it was my daughter I'd make a plan with her to give it one more try, and if she still wasn't happy she'd never have to go back.

But she did enjoy it. It’s says in the OP she enjoyed the first couple of classes!