WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

@SundaysinKernow - is it worth a chat with the instructor to find out if they can explain why ?

If her tummy still hurt two days after she winded herself, then she must have done it quite badly. It can feel really scary at the time and as if you just can't breathe, or get another breath into your body. Perhaps something else happened the next session (even if minor) and she's just been really put off by it.

Mine has done the same over karate- really keen to go, seemed to be enjoying it, then got spooked at the first grading and refused to go in (parents not allowed in due to Covid and the grading was being held at a huge sports centre). Tears in car park - eventually had to drive home without grading and he now refuses to go to another grading, and says he doesn't want to go at all.

I've swapped him to a different club and just accepted his choice on it. Luckily I'd got his karate kit second hand, but agree these clubs aren't cheap and it mounts up, especially if they then decide it's not for them. But I think it is important they get to try things feeling safe that if it isn't right for them they won't be forced to do it. Otherwise they may just stop trying anything new.

PS my DS is 8 too.

I think you need to think what is the long term goal? Saving some money over a term /child sticking at something that makes them cry?

Or is it a child that finds a sport they enjoy and are passionate about? Sometimes its worth taking a step back?

What happened that winded her?

@CorsicaDreaming I gathered the tunny ache was an excuse? Children will say they have tunny ache to avoid all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean she was injured badly from the winding. I’m sure if she had been OP would have sought medical treatment.

@WheelieBinPrincess

But she did enjoy it. It’s says in the OP she enjoyed the first couple of classes!

She's not enjoying it now though. People change their mind about things!

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Yes but then sometimes they change them back 😂

Yes she really enjoyed herself the first couple of times. Proud of progress, put her well done stickers on the fridge etc.
For context- her mo if she doesn’t want to do something is hysterical crying.
There were only 6 classes in total so seeing out the term only meant 3 more classes after the one in which she slightly winded herself before carrying on.
FYI we aren’t cruel to her (thanks to those who have suggested that), we have tried to have calm discussions about it and I watched all the sessions she took part in and she seemed to be enjoying them at the time.
We are trying different sports activities - this one was to replace another one she wanted to stop doing as she didn’t enjoy it anymore.

Is it an activity where there is a relatively high probability of injuring herself again ( riding, acrobatics etc)? If so, sounds like genuine, pretty rational fear and not something which is overcome by just being told to pull herself together and stick it out - would be different if it was an activity which she had been doing for some time and genuinely loved. 8 year olds are not known for being v rational or having words that describe exactly why they feel the way they do. Think you need to do some gentle probing to understand why she doesn't want to continue - fear of injury, fear of failure, disliking the instructor, mean kids? Getting to the bottom of what she feels will leave you better able to come up with strategies to help her and let her know that you are not prioritising money over her feelings.

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@CorsicaDreaming I gathered the tunny ache was an excuse? Children will say they have tunny ache to avoid all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean she was injured badly from the winding. I’m sure if she had been OP would have sought medical treatment.[/quote]
It probably wouldn't need medical treatment but could still be nasty and scary for her at the time.

As I say, I'd be interested in talking to the instructor directly and seeing what they said.

I would have insisted she finish the term too. But with her response I don't see how it is possible. Bit stuck unfortunately.

@WheelieBinPrincess sometimes... I think if your starting point is hysterical crying though, the chances are somewhat slim.

have you tried offering rewards for going, rather than sanctions for not?

Why is it so important she goes?

What is the club?

I've forced my kid into classes they had asked me to sign up to. I've told them they made a commitment and by taking a space and not going they are denying another child that opportunity. I don't think 8 is too young to understand sticking with things.

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@CorsicaDreaming I gathered the tunny ache was an excuse? Children will say they have tunny ache to avoid all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean she was injured badly from the winding. I’m sure if she had been OP would have sought medical treatment.[/quote]
It’s a classic symptom of anxiety in children.

Sunk cost fallacy isn't it? The money is gone whether she attends or not, so making her go if she's going to be miserable there is pointless.

Have to agree with @CheddarGorgeous. and at 8, hysterical crying to get out of it wouldn’t really wash.

It was only three more classes. I really don’t think it’s damaging as some posters suggest to follow through with something you begged to do and your parents have shelled out money for. Not everyone has vast amounts to spill out and not worry about when a child changes their mind.

@TheSnowyOwl

Definitely an be. An also be a load of bobbins, because I used to say it to get out of Brownies. I wasn’t anxious, I just found it boring and would rather have done something else.

We are always telling people in Relationships to Google the ‘sunk cost fallacy’, yet here it is being taught to children.

*can

In general I agree that the 'sticking with things' message is a good one. I use that for when they have that feeling that they can't be arsed going, but you know that when they get there, they'll be fine. I do also insist my kids learn essential life skills like swimming. But what you have here is a kid who has tried something, realised she doesn't like it and is now consistently saying she doesn't want to go. It's fine to give up on something you really don't like. As a pp said, you don't want to send her the message that trying something new = a heavy commitment that you can't get out of without drama, punishment etc. She begged to go but she didn't know that she wouldn't like it. You should definitely bear this in mind next time she is really keen to do something - perhaps see if you can do a taster session before committing or get her to contribute pocket money towards the cost.

Just had the same with my dd8. She's enjoyed this sport for a long time all of the sudden she wants to stop. She's missed the last lesson before end of term. I had already paid for the next term luckily will get a refund. There's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to continue.

I remember begging my mum not to make me go back to Brownies after three sessions and was so relieved when she agreed. Children are much better off learning their parents listen to them and care about their feelings than some lesson about sticking with things that make you miserable. Why would you want her to do that?

We won’t be trying to make her go again as there is no point. Equally she does need to learn that you have to stick at things even if you don’t find it easy and that doing physical exercise is important and necessary.
It is very junior level gymnastics, well coached and on soft mats - handstands and cartwheels etc. So nothing really scary or difficult and the sort of activity she enjoys.
We are stumped over what’s wrong and she seems unable to tell us.

Yup took me til my 30s to understand "sunk cost fallacy!."

I think it's good to respect that when a child is screaming they dont want to do seomthing that maybe they dont! Whats the point in forcing it? It's not a battle like school/doctors etc. They aren't taking part in something they want to do. Its bizarre really.