WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

Eight is still so young.

If you force her to go when she's not enjoying it, she'll be less likely to try new things in the future.

Cut your losses and next time don't sign up to a full term without doing a taster session!

Our DS wanted to do a football class, we paid and he liked it, then he didn't, he had to go a few more times to make sure he wanted to cancel and to show him you don't just quit things, you need to think about it and persevere a little, he wasnt hysterical though.
I suppose it depends on wether she is a drama queen and hysterical is normal or if it truly means she is that upset.

The money isnt really the issue here, it the lesson you want to teach her.

Physical exercise is important but they don’t necessarily need to go to an organised group to get this; you could go out for long brisk walks or runs instead. This was my main form of exercise as a child and I still enjoy walking and running for pleasure.

@MegBusset

A taster session wouldn’t have helped here at all, because she liked the first couple of sessions!

Honestly there’s a hell of a lot of pandering to whims on here. My parents wouldn’t have had the money to spare for clubs, and if they had invested after I’d begged them I’d jolly well be seeing it through.

My 8 year old DD recently went through something similar. Despite enjoying an activity (and having friends from school in the club), she became very anxious about going and was extremely tearful upon arriving at the sports ground. We chatted in the car and she was very honest - her feelings had changed - so we went home and I asked the club for a refund (which was granted). After school activities are meant to be fun, I don't see the point in forcing her to do something she is actively hating.

Maybe your DD is scared and the winding incident understandably knocked her confidence. If you're keen to pursue it then maybe you could speak to the coach about how you can build her confidence and if there is some private coaching she can have to overcome these fears?

How nasty are you, she's 8, she tried it doesn't like it ! Would you do something that made you so distressed??? You are being very cruel

Your poor girl. Don’t force her go if she doesn’t want to. Whether she doesn’t want to go because she hurt herself, or whether there’s some other reason. Sometimes in life we try things and don’t like them. It’s no biggie.

We have a rule that out of school stuff must be fun and enjoyable.
I encouraged mine to go if I thought it was a blip or would discuss with the teacher. Otherwise, I took the view that they didn't know what it would be like and if the requirement bt the club was to pay for x sessions, that's not the child's fault at all.
Life is hard enough.

Oh, and I don't think you are nasty. I learned this through making mistakes with my first, who I discovered years later carried on with guides in the mistaken belief that I would be disappointed if she quit. All those Friday evenings wasted.

Maybe a small incident at the place has put her off going, and that you could find out about it, and calm her down.

DS is often reluctant to go to football, beavers etc. My rule is that he doesn't have to go, but if he chooses not to then we go for a walk for the hour and a half that the activity would have taken.

If he genuinely wants out that's fine, but if he's just feeling lazy and doesn't want to stir himself, that is not an adequate reason not to go. So far he has always chosen the activity and enjoyed it once he's there.

My 8 year old is a little like this. She tries something, realises it’s harder than she thinks and doesn’t want to do it. I spoke to her about thinking carefully about doing clubs because of the cost and time etc. I stressed I wouldn’t make her go to something but equally she had to give it a good go first then we’d leave it. Consequently she doesn’t attend any clubs at the moment and actually that suits her right now. We do need to do swimming again soon but there’s a waiting list.
I did ballet as a 6 year old and gave it up and for the rest of my childhood my mother would reference this as to why I couldn’t try things anymore. So I don’t want to be that person.
I think there’s a line between making a child do something and ensuring they’ve actually given it a fair go.

Thanks to those who have taken the time to comment - especially those with helpful suggestions rather than simply suggesting we are cruel - we clearly aren’t. Appreciate those of you recognise this :)
@TheTurn0fTheScrew yes we did have that chat last week and she seemed ok with it till just before leaving for the class. We are going to get another family member to try and find out what’s up in a very low pressure way. She still loves doing handstands etc so I really want to understand why she has taken such a dislike to the class she was so excited to be doing.
@WheelieBinPrincess I basically agree with everything you’ve said. Having said that we’ve gone as far as we can in making her go. I don’t want her to think she gets her own way because she kicks off. For context we’ve had hysterical crying over whether it’s her turn to go in the front of the car or not going to the sweet shop so it doesn’t necessarily means she’s highly distressed or anxious!

No OP if that’s the battle you’re dealing with you obviously can’t physically make her go!

Definitely worth a lesson next time in being committed to things. The pandering comment was in response to other posters.

Hell of a range of parenting styles here!

Sounds like she is scared of being winded again.

Is it something like karate? I was brilliant at it when I was a kid but got punched in the throat during one of the fights (he got a sanction for it as your not allowed to do that) and was to scared to go back

Poor kid. She really, really doesn't want to go. You've paid for it whether she goes or not so what's the point in forcing her?
Surely as adults we sometimes choose things that turn out not to be right for us, and quite reasonably give them up. She has her reasons, even if she can't articulate them very well.
It's unkind to punish her for this. When she's older she'll remember how nasty you were to her about it.

Have all your screen time bans resulted in a reduction of the 'hysterical' crying? Because it doesn't sound like it.

I don't think you're cruel but I do think you're ineffectual and exacting punishment for the sake of it

Incidentally, hysterical is a gendered and very sexist term.

@Clymene

I can assure you male children are capable of hysterical crying also.

@WheelieBinPrincess yes there really is isn’t there! I just don’t want her to feel she can quit everything if it’s slightly difficult/not 100% what she wants. Or that a tantrum gets her her own way. That attitude won’t serve her well through her life as you pointed out. I and DP have calmly talked to her about the benefits of doing it, rewarded/praised her for taking part, gone through all things that could be wrong etc but no further forward.

@FictionalCharacter

Poor kid. She really, really doesn't want to go. You've paid for it whether she goes or not so what's the point in forcing her? Surely as adults we sometimes choose things that turn out not to be right for us, and quite reasonably give them up. She has her reasons, even if she can't articulate them very well. It's unkind to punish her for this. When she's older she'll remember how nasty you were to her about it.

But we as adults know the money we are wasting and make an informed decision. Children need us to teach them that, if you take the view that it is "unkind" to punish her in any way then you are not teaching her this very important life lesson.

If OP does educate her on this subject, that is likely to be what she takes forward into adulthood, not "how nasty" OP was. It's just parenting.

"We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum."

"I don’t want her to think she gets her own way because she kicks off."

YIKES

[quote WheelieBinPrincess]@Clymene

I can assure you male children are capable of hysterical crying also.[/quote]
It's the word I object to, not the sex of the child.

HTH

What’s YIKES about that?! @thedefinitionofmadness

Perfectly sensible approach to parenting

@thedefinitionofmadness

"We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum."

"I don’t want her to think she gets her own way because she kicks off."

YIKES

I cannot fathom what on earth could have made you say "yikes" about that fundamental of parenting.

Child is distressed and not being listened to.

Parenting isn't - or doesn't have to be a battle of wills.

IMHO