WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

Hi OP I knew this was going to be gymnastics. My kids both did it after begging then would have phases of not liking it.

I remember when I was that age going to a good friends house and getting really homesick. On a play date absolutely bizarre.

Anyway I think you've done the right thing by pulling her out, having consequences and chalking it up to experience.

Gym is really competitive. Even at Recreational level. It's also really embarrassing if you get something wrong. Especially if you think you've looked foolish in the process.

Good luck

Thanks for your kind words @GastricBland

I had another chat with her yesterday. It isn’t that she’s anxious, scared, embarrassed, fallen out with someone etc literally she just doesn’t want to do it anymore!
She’s normally quite up for telling us about anything/anyone she’s not happy with - as she pointed out to me.
So consequences stand and next club she wants to do we’ll be very explicit about the length of time commitment it involves. She’ll have to agree to see it through to the end before we sign her up.

A local high street solicitor would probably draw you up a contract for a reasonable fee - then you and your husband can get her to sign it and you'll be properly covered if/when she reneges on the next commitment.

Only joking OP. Kind of. I'm a wastrel and I'm sure you are a better parent/person than I'll ever be. I just remember being 8 too vividly and none on the things people thought would train me out of being me actually worked, they just made neuroses more entrenched. I'll shut up now. I'm sorry you felt people were harsh. Your daughter sounds wonderful - I'm sure she's a credit to you.

It's the end of term now anyway; how much money would you waste? I felt like this with certain gym class / choirs, etc.

@WingsOfGahan

A local high street solicitor would probably draw you up a contract for a reasonable fee - then you and your husband can get her to sign it and you'll be properly covered if/when she reneges on the next commitment.

Only joking OP. Kind of. I'm a wastrel and I'm sure you are a better parent/person than I'll ever be. I just remember being 8 too vividly and none on the things people thought would train me out of being me actually worked, they just made neuroses more entrenched. I'll shut up now. I'm sorry you felt people were harsh. Your daughter sounds wonderful - I'm sure she's a credit to you.

I think this explains a lot of the strongly different opinions on subjects like this, people's opinions being coloured by how they responded to their parents growing up. I would have easily learnt a lesson from this as a child, and my parents teaching me to respect money and not waste it lightly was effective. As such, I don't view it as excessive, cruel or pointless to pass on those same teachings to my child!

@SundaysinKernow

I think this initial enthusiasm, then the novelty wearing off is common at this age. We’ve just had the almost exact same scenario with ds, also 8, and found the rewards approach worked much better than the sanctions.
(We found out by accident but that’s a whole other story 😆)

Two weeks in and no good reason could be given, suddenly it was “just don’t want to go anymore” even though he clearly loved it when he was there.
I did all the threatening sanctions, lectures about how much it was costing etc etc, but it just made him more upset.
Anyway, long story short, he was offered a treat after he’d done a certain amount of classes, every time he completes a certain amount he gets the treat.

Now he’s got over the initial reluctance he cant wait to go and is loving it. The treat has just become a little bonus on the side.

My parents were like this. I grew up horribly anxious and associated piping up and trying new things with obligation, expectations from others, and having to perform to keep people happy, especially if I had been "paid for". It broke my confidence. As a woman, it still occasionally makes me vulnerable to being manipulated. I'm still working on it.

Attaching screen time punishments to club participation is bizarre, tbh. I don't get it. There's no link between the two?

@WoodenReindeer

I think its quite a good skill to learn in childhood that you don't have to do something "just because you paid..." It's not one everyone learns.

Yup. Its one that will hopefully stand her in good stead for when she is older and men are paying for things expecting something in return.

I hear you, InPraiseofBacchus.

You may have inadvertently given your daughter a wonderful gift, OP. I find, as an adult, there is nothing more thrilling than doing just as I please, shirking, bunking off, and refusing to comply with the power-play of others. It's tremendous. If I hadn't experienced the opposite pressures as a kid it very probably wouldn't be such fun. Other people are wired differently and take a more earnest path, which is equally valid. We all end up dead just the same.

Yup. Its one that will hopefully stand her in good stead for when she is older and men are paying for things expecting something in return.

Yes, because teaching a child to honour their commitments and/or stick at an activity undermines the concept of sexual consent. FFS.

Yes, because teaching a child to honour their commitments and/or stick at an activity undermines the concept of sexual consent. FFS.

Quite. I think it's really far fetched to say that growing up feeling so pressured about money spent on you that you end up in compromising positions is more common than growing up to squander your money and fail to understand the importance of budgeting etc. The latter is VERY common and something kids need to be prepared for.

I think some people hate any kind of parenting they view as authoritarian so much they go too far the other way. You may feel your parents didn't get the balance right and were too strict, but not teaching your kids anything about things like not wasting money isn't going about it the right way either.

People on here say "pick your battles" so much they basically think it's cruel when a parent picks ANY battles.

I think you’ve had a hard time here. My rule was always if you want to join a club you need to do the half term/term whatever
I think children do need to learn to give things a chance and not give up too easily. My two always had that rule and are both great at trying new things now they are in their teens.

Ah well that's easy fixed. If she literally doesn't want to do it anymore then there's no problem to solve and she can stop! No pu ishment needed. She tried an activity, realised it wasn't for her. No harm done.

Maybe she can look at what she wants to try next when this term is finished.

@WoodenReindeer

Ah well that's easy fixed. If she literally doesn't want to do it anymore then there's no problem to solve and she can stop! No pu ishment needed. She tried an activity, realised it wasn't for her. No harm done.

Maybe she can look at what she wants to try next when this term is finished.

FGS, there was harm done, that was the point of the thread.

I don't know why you're cross, aSofa. YOUR SIDE WON!!!
The punishy-screen-time-naughty-step-'I'm-doing-parenting' project has triumphed. Be pleased in the rightness of your approach. The rest of us will think on the error of our ways.

@WingsOfGahan- are you ok?

I am perfectly OK, thank you. Are you about to accuse me of being on glue?

Gosh this is interesting because I have as pay for struff then you go attitude. Generally I go with bribery, ballet lessons get an ice cream. Rugby gets a hot chocolate at this time of year. I've just realised I've trained the kids to behave the same way I've trained the dog

I wouldn’t go that far, but you certainly seem quite riled.

@womaninatightspot they are a bit like dogs 😂 they need clear boundaries, carrot and stick, feeding at regular times and lots of fresh air.

I am JOKING before someone gets up in arms anything.

I'm not riled in the least.
Now, where are my blood pressure pills?

What's the sport? If it's riding or gymnastics I can see why the reality is scarier.

I wouldn't be happy but I wouldn't make her go. I don't punish the kids though. They've all all over me.