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Original poster

WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

174 replies

SundaysinKernow · 16/12/2021 10:05

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

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WheelieBinPrincess · 16/12/2021 11:48

@CiderJolly

I can’t help but think you’re projecting.

CheddarGorgeous · 16/12/2021 11:49

Other things that eight year old children have strong feelings about, and which can trigger hysterical crying:

Bedtime
Eating vegetables
Going to school
Sitting in car seats
Wearing bicycle helmets
Taking turns
Sharing

We don't serve our children well by giving in to tantrums. She's going to an activity session, not being sent down a coal mine.

CiderJolly · 16/12/2021 11:50

No I’m really not @WheelieBinPrincess

Just can’t stand unkindness to children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting
WingsOfGahan · 16/12/2021 11:50

This is very difficult to read and made me feel extremely upset for your daughter. The book 'the book you wish your parents had read' is really good and I highly recommend it for situations like this.

godmum56 · 16/12/2021 11:51

I am not sure what the point would be of teaching her to stick with things? I mean either way the money has gone. If she has form for wanting to join something and them wanting to leave them maybe a conversation about no more classes for a while as the budget won't stand it, but I don't think I'd make a child stay through punishment

WingsOfGahan · 16/12/2021 11:51

I agree with CiderJolly, strongly.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2021 11:51

"For context- her mo if she doesn’t want to do something is hysterical crying."
That's a hard one to fix, I don't envy you.

I think all you can do is refuse to pay for any more activities of this sort - just remind her of her "hysterical crying" to get out of doing the last class she begged for. There has to be consequences or she'll keep doing this.

godmum56 · 16/12/2021 11:52

@Starcaller

Sunk cost fallacy isn't it? The money is gone whether she attends or not, so making her go if she's going to be miserable there is pointless.
this!
IncompleteSenten · 16/12/2021 11:53

These things are supposed to be fun. If she's not having fun then what on earth is the point?
I started knitting. Bought myself loads of wool, sets of needles etc. I got fed up after a bit. I gave the wool and needles away and tried something else. Should I have forced myself to carry on knitting even though I wasn't enjoying it? Why should a child be made to do a hobby that they don't want to do?

There are things that have to be done and things that are entirely choice. If you want to teach a child to see things through - do it with something that HAS to be done. You teach them that there are things that we all must do and that there are things that are within their control and that they will be listened to. 🤷‍♀️

WheelieBinPrincess · 16/12/2021 11:54

‘Hysterical crying’ at 8 to get out of things you don’t fancy isn’t something I’d want to be enabling, going forward. It would be much kinder to teach her other ways of vocalising her feelings on things and leaving babyish tactics like that behind.

I bet she doesn’t hysterically cry at school.

WoodenReindeer · 16/12/2021 11:57

All behaviour is communication. I think the key is to "hear" what she is saying before she needs to resort to hysterical crying. As someone else above said its not goibg to be much fun for her either when it gets to that stage.

Agree with Cider too! Lots of sense!

WoodenReindeer · 16/12/2021 11:58

So yes to enabling other means of communication. But that obly works if you respond to what she says.

namechange30455 · 16/12/2021 12:01

@SundaysinKernow

So how would you handle this? She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap). She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit. All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok. This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go. I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

You've paid for it anyway. Sunk cost fallacy applies here - the options are now force her to go, or don't force her to go. You've paid either way. What's the point of forcing her to go if it causes this much distress? It's no more of a waste of money if you force her to go when she hates it than it is if she just doesn't go.

If you'd paid to do something you thought was going to be fun and it turned out you really hated it after a couple of weeks you wouldn't keep going. You'd be a bit irritated at the waste of money and probably think more carefully before committing to something like that again.

She's got a lot of big emotions about it that she probably doesn't know how to articulate and you're punishing her for them. Poor girl.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 16/12/2021 12:03

Hysterical crying as an MO for expressing any displeasure would be rewarded by immediate bedtime in our house. In a room with zero toys. Even at 10am. You need to knock that on the head fast.

Hoppinggreen · 16/12/2021 12:03

Clymene
I know dc dont always know what they want until they try it but if the club costs money then the child has to understand that if they don’t continue with a club the money is wasted and there might not be the money available for another club

WoodenReindeer · 16/12/2021 12:06

I agree with that. So when they stop that club theycant start another until the mo th/term is up.

But no point making her go for the sake of it/putting her into a situation she is finding traumatising.

twotrickpony · 16/12/2021 12:07

Honestly, I don't think this is as straightforward as some people are suggesting. Human nature is such that when we start doing something new it's often uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking, but if we avoid these things we don't become familiar or skilled enough to derive pleasure from them. This can take a few hours at least with a new activity, and this applies to both adults and children. Not everything 'worthwhile' (be it for pleasure, or fitness) is initially pleasurable.

My children have 'disliked' many clubs in the past, and some they have stopped doing, but at least two of the ones we pushed them to continue to attend are now very well-loved and hopefully life-long hobbies.

OP - could you support her in trying again, but working out how to make it a bit easier for her e.g. have a chat with the teacher and make a plan / attending with her / saying she can just observe / leave after the first 30 minutes if she's still not enjoying it?

DismantledKing · 16/12/2021 12:07

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

Hysterical crying as an MO for expressing any displeasure would be rewarded by immediate bedtime in our house. In a room with zero toys. Even at 10am. You need to knock that on the head fast.
How about as a response to distress?
SpidersAreShitheads · 16/12/2021 12:10

@CiderJolly

Yeah you really are being cruel- you might think you’re teaching her resilience but what you’re really teaching her is that her feelings don’t matter. I can’t believe the punishments for her being upset- she is 8!!!! Your expectations are ridiculous and both you and your husband sound overbearing and like a pair of bullies.
I completely agree with this.

Being punished and sanctioned for being too upset to go to a class which is supposed to be fun?!

She's only 8 years old - she was winded and although OP is very quick to dismiss it, those things can stick in the mind. It's telling that the DD was fine until she had that minor mishap.

I'm not suggesting you simply give up every time she expresses dislike about doing something - but being this heavy-handed is a recipe for disaster. I cannot see any scenario where her not wanting to go to the club warrants punishment.

This really isn't the way to handle things. At all.

WoodenReindeer · 16/12/2021 12:10

Im sure there is something else to perservere with that doesnt lead ti hysterical crying. I mean what else can she do now to demonstrate she doesn't like it?

What is the sport?

Funmum34 · 16/12/2021 12:12

If I could get all the money back on wasted music/sport/dance classes over the years I’d have a much healthier bank balance…ultimately I would never force them to go if they really disliked it & showed such resistance

Clymene · 16/12/2021 12:16

@Hoppinggreen

Clymene I know dc dont always know what they want until they try it but if the club costs money then the child has to understand that if they don’t continue with a club the money is wasted and there might not be the money available for another club
Well this term yes. But next term is fine surely?
aSofaNearYou · 16/12/2021 12:18

I totally disagree with the tone of the comments here and the idea that you are being cruel. I think you are bang on that she needs to learn a lesson from this. If she stops, I would be telling her I was disappointed that she asked for something persistently and then didn't see it through, and the next expensive thing she wants she wouldn't be allowed and would be told this was why.

I think it's completely appropriate for there to be natural consequences for this, and for her to start learning the value of things at her age.

aSofaNearYou · 16/12/2021 12:21

Well this term yes. But next term is fine surely?

So she can do exactly the same thing then because she hasn't learnt anything from this experience? Whatever happened to natural consequences?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 16/12/2021 12:21

I wouldn't send her.

I would have a conversation with her, a couple of days before the next session when hopefully she is calm and able to have a bit more of rational conversation, that although you won't send her there are more appropriate ways of behaving. I would also tell her that I wouldn't be paying for more clubs for a term, so that she can have a really good think about what she wants to do.

Given that she keeps giving things up I wonder if you need a chat about how everything's a bit crap when you know no-one, and/or feel that you're not as good as the others, but that those feelings resolve after a while? One of my DC was literally green in the face with nerves the first time she went to a music ensemble, to the point where I told her she didn't need to go through with, and she didn't really relax into it for a over a term. Ensembles are now obviously her favourite thing in the word, so it was a good investment, but importantly it was her investment, not mine