WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

It's fairly obvious isn't it?

An 8 to was enjoying a new activity.

Then something happened that hurt her and scared her. Badly, if it was still hurting a couple of days later.

And now she is scared to try again, scared it will happen again, scared she may hurt herself in a different way. She probably did feel sick when she was taken back the next week -stress, anxiety, fear to an 8yo probably does feel that way!

Of course she doesn't want to go again! I'm not sure that I would!

I really wouldn't be forcing her back. Fear isn't necessarily rational - and you can't talk someone round just like that.

Keep trying new things until she finds something that really suits her. And don't punish a child for showing a natural response to fear!

I'm in the camp that says pick your battles and this isn't one worth fighting. It's clearly not for her. I was a "hysterical cryer" as a child and to this day I am resentful and hurt about being forced to do things or having my distress minimised (even if it seemed 'silly'). I'm sure she doesn't like crying and feeling miserable.

I always asked DS to commit to finish the term if I signed him for something he wanted to as it was not unusual for him to become discouraged after a couple of weeks if he was not performing at the same level as other kids that had been there for longer than him. If he still wanted to leave at the end of the term he was free to leave.

I remember a couple of very competitive children getting really worked up at not being able to perform at the same level or better than their friends when joining a new activity activity, tears and tantrums as if something had been done to them because they couldn’t perform at the same or higher level than their friends even if they had no experience in that and leaving because they couldn’t bear the idea someone was doing better than them, especially if they were better than their friends in other areas.

There are some things that DS is great for and others for which he is rubbish but I guess if nothing untoward is going on, learning to lose is as important as learning to win.

I wouldn't send her. She isn't enjoying it .
Consequence would be no new club until that one has finished as else you'll be paying double. Asked if certain as once it's finished can't change mind and that would be it.
To give her homework as punishment is ridiculous for a start.
To also give her a weeks screen time ban to force her to go for me is an over reaction. Seriously she's given it a go and doesn't like it so that's it. I wouldn't make such a big deal.

Its an important message to a child that their voice is "heard" and not punished too. All this goes to building their inner world and how they see themselves as they are older. Respecting when you have had enough is such a good lesson. Listening to your body etc.

She tried it, something happened to hurt her and now she's scared.
Personally I would have skipped a week if she was reluctant to go. Chat about it, ask her to try it one more time - there's a really good experience to be had in overcoming fear to try a challenge, but if she was still scared I wouldn't insist.
My DD tried loads of different activities, often only for a few weeks before finding one (aged 12) she finally has stuck with.

My DD who loved gymnastics at first started to hate it. I went along to watch her when they were doing their badges and one of the teachers was so awful I agreed with DD to remove her there and then.

I really don't think you should punish her in any way whatsoever. She hasn't done anything wrong. Let her know you have her back to support her choices and encourage her to try something else. If you punish her non-engagement that won't really encourage her to try again.

I can't even explain what I didn't like about the set up but it did seem like some of the kids were treated somewhat better than others. It was just weird and not a positive experience. A bit too sort of cold and Soviet Union ish

DD also stopped going to ballet classes half way through around age 4 but to be fair so did I at that age.

DD did go to drama school happily for a couple of years then suddenly wanted to stop I can't even remember if she stopped near the end or finished it.

Now she just does after school sports at her school which are free and I don't have to take her to and from.

My 8 year old GS loves every single club he goes to for the first time, the second time not so much so and quite often starts moaning by the third week. DD just ignores his whining and he almost always settles down and enjoys it. DD can only afford one paying club at a time and he therefore has to choose carefully and her rule is that he sees it out until half term.
However if he was to display signs of such distress as OP has described DD would be wanting to know what had happened to cause this. Have you been in to talk to the adults at the club OP?

Just to clarify - teachers all seem really good (I watched all classes she took part in), the winding was very minor - she carried on afterwards, she isn’t saying she is scared or got hurt only that she doesn’t enjoy it anymore.
@GrandmasCat I do wonder if that might be it. She had said she doesn’t think she’s as good as some of the others. We said that’s because they’ve been going longer and you’ll get better at it too.

Having said that, I believe that if your child is getting extremely upset about it, you need to stop her going as it is also important for her to know she can trust you to act on her best interests.

I put my dd in a club sheet wanted to do in summer. She doesn't want to do it anymore she doesn't get on with the teachers and it takes the fun out of it for her I told her no problem she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. I've paid for this month, she's only gone twice and have to pay for next month too, I wouldn't dream of being angry at her for deciding its not something she doesn't want to do. I don't want her growing up thinking just because something is paid for she doesn't get a say in it. In fact I was proud she voiced her feelings and realised that sometimes things just don't work out how you wanted them too

My DM used to laugh at how I would get bored with an activity after a couple of weeks. She'd never have forced me but I don't think things were as expensive back then. Or she'd buy me roller skates I'd get bored with.

I got fed up in the end and didn't sign my DD or DS up for anything and they just chose what they wanted to do once they went to Secondary School or after school clubs at their primary school.

Has she only just started doing gymnastics? If so she might not be at the level of kids her age and maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to go. Some really good groups also start training exceptional kids by about 7-8 for more advanced competitions etc so it’s possible she either doesn’t get the positive attention she needs. You really need to find out what the problem is and go with her for the next few sessions.

I agree that children should be taught to honour their commitments but this is best applied for birthday parties and social events and clubs like Brownies etc, not sports clubs. Forcing a child, particularly a girl, to go into sports clubs they don’t want could put them off physical activity for life.

I did gymnastics for years but got headaches every time I went, I’d assume from all the handstand practice. Could easily be something like that and she’s not used to it.

Yeah you really are being cruel- you might think you’re teaching her resilience but what you’re really teaching her is that her feelings don’t matter. I can’t believe the punishments for her being upset- she is 8!!!! Your expectations are ridiculous and both you and your husband sound overbearing and like a pair of bullies.

A compromise might be to tell her she has to go but she doesn't have to take part. So she can sit out the class and watch with no pressure to join in. But she doesn't get to skip it entirely.

@CiderJolly

Yeah you really are being cruel- you might think you’re teaching her resilience but what you’re really teaching her is that her feelings don’t matter. I can’t believe the punishments for her being upset- she is 8!!!! Your expectations are ridiculous and both you and your husband sound overbearing and like a pair of bullies.

Or you're teaching her that her feelings are the only thing that matters...

OP you are in the right! Yes maybe it is cruel forcing her to finish the course but if you don't ensure your child knows she must see things through then it's more cruel to her in the future. She needs to know you don't just give up on something because it wasn't what you expected or doesn't suit you this week. Teach her young so when she's older and when she wants to give up revision for tests or give up learning to drive or give up going for interviews she won't she will see them through

@CiderJolly don’t be ridiculous.

I wouldn't force her to go, but I would encourage her to talk about it.
However, perfectly reasonable to say to her that you've paid for the club until x date and so don't have the money for her to do another activity until after that time. She's old enough to know that money, once spent, is gone.

Definitely let her stop. She is telling you very clearly that she doesn't want to go, for whatever reason, and you are not respecting her. Forget the money, but then don't sign her up without a Big Talk next time she wants to join something.

The kid was ‘hysterical’ crying, op’s words, the dad got her in the car by threat of sanctions (removal of screen time?), this was then extended further when she continued to cry outside the club. Neither threat worked. She was then brought home and punished further with homework which is absolutely stupid if you want them to associate learning with enjoyment. The screen time is not even a natural consequence- it all smacks of clueless, bullish parenting. Again- the kid is 8!! That’s really little still. The tummy ache is probably nerves- she clearly doesn’t have the language to explain why she doesn’t want to go but it’s really bloody obvious to anyone with half a brain cell that she is distressed at the thought of going. Her feelings are valid and it’s just a club for heaven’s sake- so much drama and non-sensical punishment over nothing. She hasn’t even been naughty.

You’re gonna really struggle with the teen years at this rate.