WWYD 8yr old refusing to go to club she begged us for

[SundaysinKernow]

So how would you handle this?
She’s 8 yrs old and can be quite feisty/strong minded but is generally fairly well behaved. She wanted to do a particular sports club & begged us for weeks to sign her up. It’s for 1 hr, once a week and we signed up for a term (it’s not cheap).
She really enjoyed the first couple of classes. I was in the waiting room watching at every class and she seemed to be having fun. Then on the third class she winded herself slightly. For a couple of days she said her tummy hurt a bit.
All fine then the following week DP dropped her off before going to the supermarket. He came back to find she wasn’t doing the class as she said she felt sick. She hadn’t been before going and wasn’t when she got home so essentially she lied to get out of doing the class. We asked her what was wrong - didn’t like other students/instructor/frightened etc etc. She said she didn’t know but just wasn’t enjoying it, so we told her that she had to complete the term as we had paid & you have to learn to see things through. Plus lying to get out of something not ok.
This week - talked to her in the week about how she was going to the club and her gran was coming to watch too. Came home & got changed for club ok and then just before going kicked off. Hysterical crying etc. I said that simply not wanting to go wasn’t a good enough reason but if something had happened to make her feel upset/scared/frightened etc then she needed to say and we’d talk about it. Again said no she just really didn’t want to go.
I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

We think it’s important she sees things through & learns that she won’t just get her own way because she throws a tantrum.
Any ideas welcome!

You’re wrong and cruel.

Don’t make her go.

@thedefinitionofmadness

Child is distressed and not being listened to.

Parenting isn't - or doesn't have to be a battle of wills.

IMHO

Teaching children, however you go about it, that they don't always get what they want because they are tantrumming is not the parent entering into a battle of wills, and of course it's an essential part of parenting. Otherwise my toddler would constantly be eating chocolate!

@Clymene

Have all your screen time bans resulted in a reduction of the 'hysterical' crying? Because it doesn't sound like it.

I don't think you're cruel but I do think you're ineffectual and exacting punishment for the sake of it

Incidentally, hysterical is a gendered and very sexist term.

Actually yes a short screen time ban does help sometimes. Depends on the situation. We prefer to start at positive rewards for doing right and then if necessary to make any sanction relevant if possible. For example after several warnings about kicking off over whether it was her turn to go in the front of the car she got banned from sitting in the front for a week. She now takes her turn with out a fuss. Hysterical is not sexist. It’s an accurate description of how she was. I’d use the same term to describe a boy. I appreciate it was a term to describe women in the 18th and 19th century suffering from an number of medical conditions or social issues but I’m not a workhouse overseer and not applying it in that context.

Has the OP brought her up so far to have to have a tantrum to get heard?

Very much doubt it. Sounds like they want her to have access to wonderful things and experiences.

I understand completely how very annoying and disappointing it can be if you've committed as a parent to letting a child do an activity involving expense and energy. Headaches and feeling sick are classic manifestations of anxiety. She's not lying to get out of it, she's fearful. Whether that is of hurting herself or maybe even just not being "good enough" (it's gymnastics, right?). And, also sometimes things just don't work out. Not everything has to be a teaching point.

Not everything has to be a teaching point.

And not everything is cruel if you DO feel it is a teaching point they need.

I paid a small fortune for an antenatal course in a nice swimming pool with a private midwife and small group of other mums to be. I went to the first one in October. I’ve not been back- the pool was F ing freezing. I literally cannot face an ice bath at 8 months pregnant, to the point id rather lose a few hundred quid!!! Pick your battles xox

Surely one of the good things about being 8 is trying lots of new things to see what you like? She won't try any new things if you make it a personal failing when it's not a good fit. It easier just to do nothing.

Actually, with some children who are fundamentally stubborn, it really is a battle of wills, or you’d never get anything done.

@SundaysinKernow

Just to clarify - teachers all seem really good (I watched all classes she took part in), the winding was very minor - she carried on afterwards, she isn’t saying she is scared or got hurt only that she doesn’t enjoy it anymore. *@GrandmasCat* I do wonder if that might be it. She had said she doesn’t think she’s as good as some of the others. We said that’s because they’ve been going longer and you’ll get better at it too.

Perhaps you need to point out that there can only be one person who is the best in the class. Nobody else will be as good as that one person, but everyone else still goes and enjoys it, and week by week they learn and improve their own performance. Everyone has to start somewhere, and everybody was a beginner once, and found things hard, while they watched some of the other kids doing it easily.

Having said that, there is no point in doing any activity if you don't like it and don't want to do it.

I completely agree with this: Child is distressed and not being listened to.Parenting isn't - or doesn't have to be a battle of wills. IMHO

And this:
You’re wrong and cruel. Don’t make her go.

OP - if you are agreeing with WheelieBin, you are agreeing with the wrong poster. Please, please listen to the people speaking with a bit of compassion, WoodenReindeer, BagelsandBrie, IncompleteSen, Thedefinitionof all have it much better.

Explosive child by Ross Greene is really good book I often recommend. It wont all be relevant but helps with a battle of wills/ if your child often has outbursts.

Worth a look.

I'm astonished you are not more concerned about potential reasons she refuses to go.

My first thought would be " Is she being abused at the sports club".

@2bazookas 🤦🏻‍♀️

With her mum watching?

So screen bans sometimes work.

But this:

I was going out so left DP to deal with her. He got her out of the door in to the car through screen time sanctions etc. She continued have crying meltdown in car park at the club and refused absolutely to go in. By this point she was on a screen time ban for a week. He brought her home. She got told off and had to do homework for an hr instead. She wasn’t at all remorseful or sorry.

this didn't work at all did it? Your partner just kept upping and upping the threats and she still wouldn't go.

Not really working for you is it?

And I second the explosive child. It's a good book.

@WheelieBinPrincess - her mum hasn't been watching. She was there for the first two sessions. Since then the OP's partner has taken her. He dropped her off the first time and she refusing to go in the second.

Her mum watched the first two.

Jumping to the conclusion that she started being abused in a class full of others and presumably other parents watching because her dad nipped to the supermarket is bloody bonkers.

If she was moaning because she couldn't bothered then I probably would make her go, but it sounds like she is genuinely very anxious about it. I wouldn't force it in these circumstances, and definitely wouldn't punish her.

Well something happened to put her off. And she's not going to tell parents who punish her

Actually I watched for the first 3 sessions @Clymene
Her father took her to the next 2 - neither of which she participated in.
@2bazookas No she’s not being abused in a open gym with 5 or 6 instructors, about 30 kids and usually half a dozen parents watching including me for all times she’s been in.
She didn’t get in to trouble first time she sat it out but discussion had re finishing term (eg 3 more sessions).

Unfortunately the reaction she had is the same as the one she had from not being allowed to sit in the front of the car so not necessarily anxiety.

I think the abuse idea is a spurious argument used to deflect attention.

OP- you've been given good advice and some really good book recommendations but you don't seem to want to engage with any suggestions that don't mirror your own views. The battle of wills book sounds particularly relevant, if I may say.

You have the privilege of having a child. You can either regard her as an object/project to bend to your will and manipulate or you can see her as a person and try to grow together and learn from each other about life and how people work, accepting mistakes along the way. A child's psyche is an amazing and precious thing, and blindly barging down a path that could damage it - when there are other good options to try - just seems like stubborn and misguided behaviour, to me.
As Clymene says, what you're doing isn't working, is it? So why not try another approach.

Something has upset your child and you are forcing them to do something that they really don't want to do? I don't understand why or how you could do that.

Wrong to force her. She’s allowed to dislike things. She’s her own person.
Would you be forcing her and punishing her if it was a free class?

@SundaysinKernow

Actually I watched for the first 3 sessions *@Clymene* Her father took her to the next 2 - neither of which she participated in. *@2bazookas* No she’s not being abused in a open gym with 5 or 6 instructors, about 30 kids and usually half a dozen parents watching including me for all times she’s been in. She didn’t get in to trouble first time she sat it out but discussion had re finishing term (eg 3 more sessions). Unfortunately the reaction she had is the same as the one she had from not being allowed to sit in the front of the car so not necessarily anxiety.

You asked how people would handle it.

Not like you have would be my answer.

Your child is trying to tell you she doesn't want to go. Your reaction to that is to tell her off.

@TwilightSkies

Wrong to force her. She’s allowed to dislike things. She’s her own person. Would you be forcing her and punishing her if it was a free class?

That's an odd statement, you'd be less likely to punish a child for breaking an item that had no value, too, it's the fact that it wasn't free that makes it a teachable moment for an 8 year old with no innate awareness of money.

I think "punish" is too harsh a word in this context. It sounds as though she received punishment for the tantrumish nature of her behaviour, rather than for not wanting to go, which is a seperate issue. But punishment is not the word I would use for trying to encourage her to see the value of what has been bought for her and persevere rather than give up immediately, or failing that, impressing upon her that this caused a waste of money and is not something she should keep doing lightly. That I would simply call teaching your children about money and the need to be respectful of it.

For context we’ve had hysterical crying over whether it’s her turn to go in the front of the car or not going to the sweet shop so it doesn’t necessarily means she’s highly distressed or anxious!

Indeed. Mine would be the same at being forced to wear a coat on freezing cold winter days. Sometimes kids use crying as a way to get out of stuff. It's our job as parents to discern what's an actual concern and what's a kid being unnecessarily belligerent.

My DD (now 14) kicked off mightily about a club/activity for years. We persisted. She always went to the sessions reluctantly but came out smiling. She's now competing in the sport at a decent level and it's a huge, positive part of her life. The key for her was friendships. If her friends are at training, she's happy. OP maybe your DD hasn't gelled with the other kids?

Gosh. She's clearly miserable and then being punished because you're not listening to her.

Just stop sending her.