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Original poster

Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

164 replies

connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:25

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

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NavigatingAdolescence · 05/12/2021 08:27

Stop contact for a bit?

Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:28

@NavigatingAdolescence

Stop contact for a bit?
I can't see how I could do that really. I just wish they'd listen to us.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 05/12/2021 08:28

I would lay it on the line and then I would stop going. And when asked, be clear why. But I also wouldn’t be accepting the toys. If they’re at their house then they stay at their house. At yours, intercept and say “for later” and then either keep for later or charity shop.

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ShellfishLove · 05/12/2021 08:29

Have you explicitly explained the reasons why? Maybe they think you’re being unreasonable, but if you spell it out to them, they might see your perspective?

PotteringAlong · 05/12/2021 08:30

and no, you’re not being unreasonable, but it’s also like small children in that at the minute you’re feebly saying it abd there are no consequences so they just carry on doing what they want.

If you want them to listen then there needs to be a consequence that isn’t you being silently furious.

hotmeatymilk · 05/12/2021 08:33

Yeah, you have to stop contact for a bit – even if it means no babysitting. You can’t “tell them firmly” then not follow through when they ignore you.

Give them the ultimatum: the spoiling with endless toys stops, or the visits stop. Then actually do this. If when you start up visits again, a toy appears, then you put down your tea and biscuit, zip the furious 4yo back into his coat, leave the house. Leave the toy behind. Every time.

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 08:38

Have they told you why they're doing it and ignoring your wishes?

I think it's a ridiculous thing to stop contact over but I know people will say it's not about the toys, it's about disrespecting your wishes which I understand.

Could you suggest they get him a money box and give him a pound or two when they see him instead?

Aria2015 · 05/12/2021 08:38

How often do you see them? I'm just trying to gauge just how frequent the toy giving is. If it's weekly then I'd say YANBU but if it's monthly, I'd say that it's maybe something you should just let go...

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2021 08:39

How often do you see them? Do you visit at their house? If so, could stuff stay there?

Rathmobhaile · 05/12/2021 08:39

Take back control of the situation as a previous poster says. Any toys given at their house stay at their house. Arrive with a large toybox full of toys hes been given by them and announce that these are goibg to stay there. Perhaps eventually ally they will get fed up of their house getting full of toys.

In your house i would do the thing of taking and saying - later - its a great idea. Then telling the grandparents that there are too many tots but if they insist on continuing to give presents to be aware they go to chsrity as there are so many other children who will appreciate the toys too.

Suggest an alternative - you said you don't mind books? Suggest that it becomes a nice tradition for them to get him books and then to enjoy reading them together? For your son thats a lovely memory to create.

If it continues then if I were you i would limit the contact and tell them why.

Bimblybomeyelash · 05/12/2021 08:42

Stop contact because of too many gifts? Bloody hell.

I get that it’s annoying. But would you feel so furious if it was your own parents acting this way? Or would you just roll your eyes and then quietly donate the toys to the charity shop?

NothingIsForever · 05/12/2021 08:43

Would saying that any toys given need to stay at their house help? At least you won’t have to see them at your house and perhaps a rapidly growing pile they have to gond room for might deter them?

NothingIsForever · 05/12/2021 08:44

Find room for

Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:45

@ShellfishLove

Have you explicitly explained the reasons why? Maybe they think you’re being unreasonable, but if you spell it out to them, they might see your perspective?
Yes unfortunately we have. They really have no excuses and that's why I'm so annoyed
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Idontevenknow · 05/12/2021 08:45

Honesty I think yabu about the toys, but yanbu that they disregarded what you said.

Pegasussnail · 05/12/2021 08:45

They are being ridiculous. Thinking they can buy his affection but he will end up spoilt.
A little bag of haribo would be better. It's sneaky to give it when you were gone.

Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:46

If you want them to listen then there needs to be a consequence that isn’t you being silently furious.

Agree. I'm just terrified of starting ww3.

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NellieBertram · 05/12/2021 08:46

I would take all the toys to their house, and only visit them at theirs for a while.
Keep all toys there!

Random789 · 05/12/2021 08:46

You definitely are not being unreasonable.

I know that I sometimes get trapped by politeness into saying something that is unclear, too casual, too caveated by polite expressions like "if that's ok with you" etc.

Could you try one more time to state your rules about toys and why you have them (there are loads of good reasons why children shouldn't get showeed with new toys all the time)? And then say that anymore toys will be returned to the grandparents' house for your son to play with there.

Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:47

@Aria2015

How often do you see them? I'm just trying to gauge just how frequent the toy giving is. If it's weekly then I'd say YANBU but if it's monthly, I'd say that it's maybe something you should just let go...
Average maybe twice a month.

I just am so cross they think they can ignore our wishes.

Also, it's more stuff in the house. Always sodding plastic too

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Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:48

@NerrSnerr

How often do you see them? Do you visit at their house? If so, could stuff stay there?
Yeah the stuff can stay there. But no addressing the issue
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beachblob · 05/12/2021 08:48

@NellieBertram

I would take all the toys to their house, and only visit them at theirs for a while. Keep all toys there!
This sounds like the perfect solution to try and manage it. If they drop the toys at yours. Take them back again.
FreeBritnee · 05/12/2021 08:48

My MIL does the same. She’s bought them a toy shop over the years.

You know what though. Whilst it does irritate me a bit (far less than it used to) and i often think if she’d put the money she spent on toys into a savings account the kids would probably have about 5k each in there, the kids absolutely adore her and are just absolutely pigs in muck with delight at everything she gives them. She also get so much pleasure to see their pleasure and she’s mid eighties now so I just let it go.

Yes it makes our lives more difficult when it comes to buying special gifts. Yes the toys take up a huge amount of room in the house and yes that sometimes pisses me off. But man my kids are happier for it. They don’t spend all their times on screens even though my eldest is getting to the age where screens trump all. So I’ve managed to rationalise it and when MIL eventually passes I hope my acceptance of her toy buying madness made her last decade a lot richer.

Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:48

@Bimblybomeyelash

Stop contact because of too many gifts? Bloody hell.

I get that it’s annoying. But would you feel so furious if it was your own parents acting this way? Or would you just roll your eyes and then quietly donate the toys to the charity shop?

My parents listen to us, and don't buy endless presents
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Original poster
connorkendallromanshiv · 05/12/2021 08:49

@NothingIsForever

Would saying that any toys given need to stay at their house help? At least you won’t have to see them at your house and perhaps a rapidly growing pile they have to gond room for might deter them?
Our son has his own play room at their house. Space isn't an issue unfortunately
OP posts: