Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

I'd tell them it stops or the visits do until they get the message.
I know grandparents want to spoil children but lying to you is out of order. You have tried to compromise by saying as many books as they like.

If you leave all the toys at their house, the children will not be spoiled by it, honestly. My grandma used to give us sweets and money every time we saw her. We didn't expect sweets at any other time. It was just a nice thing.

I am a teacher. Lovely, kind parents have lovely, kind children. I don't know what a 'spoiled' child is. It is not a term used in education. It belongs in the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' approach to being a parent.
I have come across lots of children and parents, some parents discipline by with holding food, some smack, some isolate and emotionally abuse. Whenever I come across a really delightful, kind, well adjusted student , I know that when I meet their parents they will mirror the behaviour of their lovely child.
All children under the age of ten are so anxious to please their parents. This generally changes in the teen years and they start to question controlling behaviour from a parent. I think YABU and controlling. I think you need to mirror generosity of spirit and kindness to your child. This will have a far greater impact on him than all the Biblical threats about 'spoiling' a child.

Anybody remember the treatment of Kipps as a child in the book 'Kipps' and the lengths his Aunt (she brought him up) went to to ensure he didn't get spoiled?There are still parents today who behave harshly and are controlling with their children and when their child rejects them as adults, insist they were being harsh so as not to 'spoil' them. It is a lovely thing for any child to feel unconditionally loved by grandparents.

Oh for goodness sake stop being so mean.

Let the grandparents enjoy their grandchild.

What are your parents doing?

@DeffoJeffo

I honestly cannot believe that people are suggesting cutting contact. Give me strength.... they're buying him toys, not holding his hand over a naked flame! Yes, I can see you don't want him to be spoilt, and yes, it would annoy me, but just eye-roll, make a bit of a joke of it, and do regular clear outs for the charity shop so your son learns the value of generous giving. Blimey!

Quite

I have 9 nieces and nephews who I see at least once a month if not fortnightly and they get either money, sweets or small gifts pretty much every time, and the eldest is 15! And yes plastic tat for the little ones! Absolutely not spoiled, very grateful for birthday and Christmas gifts/trips as have been taught gratitude by the family. There was a period when I couldn't do it and there was no expectation.

4 is very young for you to be worried about this, if your DS shows spoiled behaviour in the future then you can easily correct it.

As they get older kids want family to show an interest in them and their lives and the material things matter much less but i still give them appropriate little things for their hobbies and other little treats. It may not the negative thing you think it is.

@larkle

Anybody remember the treatment of Kipps as a child in the book 'Kipps' and the lengths his Aunt (she brought him up) went to to ensure he didn't get spoiled?There are still parents today who behave harshly and are controlling with their children and when their child rejects them as adults, insist they were being harsh so as not to 'spoil' them. It is a lovely thing for any child to feel unconditionally loved by grandparents.

Why does toys equal unconditional love?

Is the use of the term 'spoiled' I object to. It is not a term ever used in education to describe a child. It seems to be an excuse for some parents to withhold anything so as the child isn't 'spoiled'
I'm afraid I do think you are controlling OP. Your son's grandparents love him, play with him, babysit him and give him stuff. As an adult he will remember their loving warmth and kindness even though the toys have been long forgotten. Don't take the toys home if you don't want to, stop being uncharitable. Don't do something mean that your son will tell his future partner about. It doesn't reflect well on you

I think that deliberately sneaking something into your house when you were out is actually very disrespectful to you and your husband.

Maybe you could do something similar and start sneaking stuff into their house each time you visit. Something small and hideous that you've bought from a charity shop. Leave the items in strange places in their house just before you leave and wait for one of them to comment.

You could have some fun with this.

As a grandparent myself, I can't imagine riding roughshod over my DC's wishes like that.

Are you familiar with the love languages OP? This could be at play.

Different families show love in different ways. I think it’s important to acknowledge that

@Cactusandmarshmallows

Are you familiar with the love languages OP? This could be at play.

Vaguely. Will read

Seeing as you're happy with books - have you got space/would you be happy to buy a small bookcase that could be specially for books only from grandparents?

Then any books they buy him can go there (with a small fuss made of how lovely, another one for the special collection) to slowly build up a special collection, then and any toys "oh dear, that's not for your bookcase is it, we'll put that away for later." If they really are just doing it out of love it might get them on board without confrontation.

It seems a mad thing to go no contact about, is it really in the best interest of your son to not see his grandparents?

Make it clear to them that you will be donating any new toys. Teach your son that everytime he gets something new, one toy must be donated to a charity shop. He will pick the toys that he values, learn the value of giving to others and your house won’t be full.

It's the disrespect and lack of understanding of parenting. If they can't stop buying toys can they be trusted to not stuff him with sweets/cakes? Make sure he sits properly in a car seat? Say no if he wants to do something stupid or dangerous?

Its all very well to say "give the toys away / leave them at their house" but children have opinions and will voice them if a toy is taken away!

I don't know what the answer is OP, I'd have completely lost it by now.

@elbea

It seems a mad thing to go no contact about, is it really in the best interest of your son to not see his grandparents?

Make it clear to them that you will be donating any new toys. Teach your son that everytime he gets something new, one toy must be donated to a charity shop. He will pick the toys that he values, learn the value of giving to others and your house won’t be full.

We won't be going no contact!

@Grayskelly The inappropriate gift was high heeled shoes for a preschooler

I don't want my son to be spoiled and get used to receiving endless new things. It's really not good for a young mind.

I'm sorry, but this is nonsense.

My mum is exactly the same with DS(3) and he isn't remotely spoiled. He says thank you for anything he's given and then enjoys playing with it.

I get that it's annoying from the perspective of all the extra stuff, but in our case I was just clear with my mum that apart from birthday and Christmas gifts, anything else she bought would be staying at her house. He now associates Grandma's house as somewhere fun that he goes and play 🤷🏼‍♀️

If it makes you feel any better I was hugely over indulged by my father's parents , new toys , a toy cupboard at their house , days out , hairbands if we went out (it was the seventies!), every new toy I ever looked at. I'm 56 now , my grandparents died 20 years ago but there isn't a day when I don't miss them, i have tears in my eyes writing this. I didn't grow up to just think of them as a fountain of material things, I loved them. They taught me how to play draughts and monopoly, they made paper planes just as you say your ds grandparents do, my dgm taught me how to bake and how to knit.

You say your ds grandparents play with ds, interact with him etc , they don't just give the toy instead of attention which is when I think there is a problem. It's such a short period when you see their faces light up with wonder at a new toy and it can be addictive to grandparents, and if the last two years should have taught us anything it's that life is short and takes unexpected turns.

My children are older now but they also had grandparents who spoiled them but as long as you ensure that they do see the grandparents as people it really really doesn't matter. My PIL spoiled my children massively , when they were little their every wish was their command and as they got older FIL gave them lifts and MIL gave them unsuitable and useless presents but my dc adore them. Their only concern about Xmas is that their grandparents are there , the oldest now 28 calls them every week, the youngest is spending far more time worrying about what present to give grandpa now he can't have his usual bottle of whiskey and has recorded a tape of his band for him.

I suppose what i am trying to say is try to see the long game, thats the parents job, the luxury of being a grandparents is that you can live in the moment with your grandchilden and i can see that now whereas twenty years ago I couldn't.

@CheddarGorgeous come off if you sound like something from an episode of Brass Eye:

If they can’t be trusted to stop buying toys… they’ll stuff him with sweets and cakes… not put him into his car seat safely… give him knives to juggle… supply him with cocaine… induct him into their gang and provide him with a machine gun.

@Peaseblossum22

If it makes you feel any better I was hugely over indulged by my father's parents , new toys , a toy cupboard at their house , days out , hairbands if we went out (it was the seventies!), every new toy I ever looked at. I'm 56 now , my grandparents died 20 years ago but there isn't a day when I don't miss them, i have tears in my eyes writing this. I didn't grow up to just think of them as a fountain of material things, I loved them. They taught me how to play draughts and monopoly, they made paper planes just as you say your ds grandparents do, my dgm taught me how to bake and how to knit.

You say your ds grandparents play with ds, interact with him etc , they don't just give the toy instead of attention which is when I think there is a problem. It's such a short period when you see their faces light up with wonder at a new toy and it can be addictive to grandparents, and if the last two years should have taught us anything it's that life is short and takes unexpected turns.

My children are older now but they also had grandparents who spoiled them but as long as you ensure that they do see the grandparents as people it really really doesn't matter. My PIL spoiled my children massively , when they were little their every wish was their command and as they got older FIL gave them lifts and MIL gave them unsuitable and useless presents but my dc adore them. Their only concern about Xmas is that their grandparents are there , the oldest now 28 calls them every week, the youngest is spending far more time worrying about what present to give grandpa now he can't have his usual bottle of whiskey and has recorded a tape of his band for him.

I suppose what i am trying to say is try to see the long game, thats the parents job, the luxury of being a grandparents is that you can live in the moment with your grandchilden and i can see that now whereas twenty years ago I couldn't.

Lovely post xxx

You are being so ridiculous and creating an issue where there really needn’t be one. It’s just toys.

*Maybe you could do something similar and start sneaking stuff into their house each time you visit. Something small and hideous that you've bought from a charity shop. Leave the items in strange places in their house just before you leave and wait for one of them to comment.

You could have some fun with this.*

How nasty

Have you tried coming at from the the angle of not wanting it to create a bad relationship in the future? So explaining to them that you don't want your son to associate his GPs with new toys every time and not be interested in them, only in what they give him?

PIL started off going really overboard at Christmas and DS was just overwhelmed. We quickly moved to asking them to get one present only and made it to their advantage. With only one toy they get to see DC open it and enjoy it and be excited about it rather than have to be cajoled into opening a pile of stuff and then not caring about it all.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I'd be frustrated in your shoes.