Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

I don’t think it matters what you’ve asked them or why. The point is they are ignoring you going behind your back and undermining you.

100% this is how I feel!

I kind of get this but I also kind of don’t. “Disregarding your wishes” “stop contact” all defines family life as a set of power struggles which honestly feels like an incredibly stressful way to live.

In my experience grandparents like spoiling children. The are forming their own relationship. They love each other. It’s a good problem to have and as all of you become older will become more and more valuable.

I think the idea of letting the toys stay at their house works but think of it as a positive. Children do get really excited at new toys to explore so every visit to DGs will be even more exciting. But don’t do it resentfully (dumping, plastic tat). They do things differently but he and they appreciate it. Is it worth conflict and seething?

@PlanktonsComputerWife

When they pop their clogs, you may regret being petty about this.

Whoa! I'm canvassing opinions on an anonymous site.

I haven't been petty, nor have I upset anyone

* I don’t think it matters what you’ve asked them or why. The point is they are ignoring you going behind your back and undermining you.*

^I agree

I don't think you are being unreasonable. They will turn him into a spoiled toad who expects them to always bring him gifts. It is difficult though and I don't think limiting contact is a nice solution. You could do a one you in one policy maybe so it becomes more like a toy swap. Maybe it will slow as he gets older and toys aren't so cheap and cheerful.

@Bobbybobbins

Yanbu to feel annoyed that they are not listening to you - they are being disrespectful.

However I would not cut contact over this. We have two sets of grandparents who are terminally ill and can barely see our kids. I think in the grand scheme of things I would try to grit my teeth and let this go.

My dad's parents used to give us a gift every time we saw them (not as often) and I'm sure it drove my parents mad but I don't think it spoiled us in the long run and tailed off around the age of 10.

No, I wouldn't cut contact

It's the doing it when you've gone that would piss me off the most.

You don’t spoil a child by giving them toys. I think children become spoiled when they aren’t taught appreciation and gratitude.

I do understand it’s difficult but becoming ‘furious’ and stopping contact over gifts is far more damaging than the gift giving.

It’s not just the toys though is it? It’s the total disregard of your totally reasonable request and the fact that they LIED to you. I would be backing off from them. And letting them know that unless they begin to respect your parenting decisions they won’t be seeing their GS anytime soon. I’m a gran and whilst is lovely to spoil my GS I would never go against my DDs express wishes.

YANBU at all. No advice tbh but you are totally right.

I think you need to give yourself a shake on this one. He has grandparents who dote on him. They love him profoundly. It's such an amazing gift and really if they aren't harming him I'd stay out of their relationship. I think it's really controlling to try and dictate the gifts if space isn't an issue. He's only going to be little for such a short time and loving grandparents are an enormous gift in themselves. They won't "spoil" him. He's going to look back and feel loved. Do you worry this will make him prefer them over your parents or even you? You can't buy love. Not even with kids.

,Yeah the stuff can stay there. But no addressing the issue'

It will address the issue quickly. The problem with space you have they will feel quickly with the toys they buy. The toys stay at the GP house.

Can the toys stay at their house? Then see how keen they are to keep buying them.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I’d use this as a way to have a “chat” with them. You have every right to tell them you feel very let down by them lying to you about them not bringing a toy. But then ask them why they are doing it, ask them if they think it’s a good idea that they are telling you porkies? But also see if there is a compromise? Maybe it’s a toy once a month?

I completely understand. My in laws live abroad and every time they visit they either bring shit or take them to smyths. They want for absolutely nothing and I am sick of it. It all came to a head last visit when they wandered around looking bored and chose something half heartedly. In law took major offence and stormed out. Maybe they should just effing listen next time.

However they’ve made a rod for their own backs and now they know when nanny comes, they get a toy. It’s all they want to see her for!

I'm a Grandparent, and I agree with you. The problem isn't so much the toys as the disrespect they're showing you.
What about asking them to keep the toys at their house for when he visits them, or packing up a box of the toys they've given and taking them to their house ."We brought some things for him to play with!"
My daughter's in laws did the opposite to yours. They gave our GS toys and wouldn't let him take them home. By the time he was ten they had a whole bedroom dedicated to him and his toys, all of them hardly played with, and ranging from rattles through to expensive Lego sets. They may have been hoping for more Grandchildren, but that didn't happen.

I hear you, my in laws do the same, they see my 3 yr old once a week and we get cheap crap toys home with us every time. It’s just a waste of money as a lot is fit for the bin.
I’m not sure what advice I could give as I just keep my mouth shut.. for now

He's their grandson they want to spoil him. He won't become spoilt if it's just a tear from one set of grandparents and it isn't him requesting it. I'd enjoy watching how much happiness it brings him and his grandparents. It's not going to do him any harm.

@KineticSand

I feel your pain. Currently mid conflict with my MIL about her buying inappropriate toys that she knows DP and I do not allow. It feels like a power struggle over who gets to ultimately decide what dc get. (It's us obviously! The parents. But she needs to push that for some reason.)

In our case the offending item was intended to be given for Christmas so DP had it out with her (after I had already tried to and backed off- it's HIS mum he can do it!) and she's very begrudgingly said she wouldn't give dc the offending items.

So my advice is- your DP needs to sort this out with his parents.

My mind is racing with possibilities. What was the offensive toy?

I’d love to be in the situation where this is my biggest problem in life 😅

Allow the kid the toy for goodness sake, it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

One in, one out if you have to. The kid won’t even notice the one you throw away / donate to charity.

You seriously think when the kid is 18 you’re going to look back over the short period of time where they were absolutely delighted to be given a toy and be doted upon by their grandparents and think to yourself ‘golly, that was a terrible period, it’s really shaped him / her for the worse’???

YANBU. It’s harmful and damaging to a child to spoil him like that. Could you suggest that instead of toys, the GPS actually do something with their grandson- take him out, go to the park, zoo, theatre, etc? Do the grandparents actually interact with their grandson at all? Do they play with him? That’s all leaving aside their blatant disregard for you, and lying to you.

@SarahBennettAdvice

I’d love to be in the situation where this is my biggest problem in life 😅

Allow the kid the toy for goodness sake, it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

One in, one out if you have to. The kid won’t even notice the one you throw away / donate to charity.

You seriously think when the kid is 18 you’re going to look back over the short period of time where they were absolutely delighted to be given a toy and be doted upon by their grandparents and think to yourself ‘golly, that was a terrible period, it’s really shaped him / her for the worse’???

Who said it was my biggest problem?

Leave all the new toys at the grandparents'
house.

Just see them at their house and every time he gets a new toy say “what a lovely new toy for Grandma and Grandad’s house.

@daisypond

YANBU. It’s harmful and damaging to a child to spoil him like that. Could you suggest that instead of toys, the GPS actually do something with their grandson- take him out, go to the park, zoo, theatre, etc? Do the grandparents actually interact with their grandson at all? Do they play with him? That’s all leaving aside their blatant disregard for you, and lying to you.

To their credit they do play with him, make paper aeroplanes etc.

I just wish the torrent of plastic would stop! Dread to think what Christmas will be like!