Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

Ok so they're his grandparents - they're going to spoil him. It's what they do.

Doing it behind your back is the issue. Talk to them about trust and the fact that you need to know they're respecting your wishes because if you can't be certain of that you can't trust them to look after him alone.

Leave the toys at their house.

@daisypond

It sounds a bit controlling of you if there isn’t a good reason why.

There is a good reason why. The OP doesn’t want her son spoiled. She wants him to learn to wait, develop feelings of excitement and anticipation, especially with Christmas coming. The GPS are undermining the OP and lying.

You've articulated something here that I haven't been able to properly. I do really want him to get excited for Christmas and not just think, oh great another toy.

Learning delayed gratification will do him good in life won't it? I think so and they're not allowing that to happen

I think you need to shift the focus. Instead of it being around toys you need to make it about how you feel.
I would say that this habit makes you question your relationship with them, undermines you and leaves you feeling as though they are constantly seeking to go against you. You will unfortunately have to see less of them to get the message through.

@user1493494961

I knew it would be the husband's parents. Take/leave all the toys at theirs, just say you haven't got room, hopefully they'll get fed-up with the toy mountain.

And why did you 'know'?

My parents don't do this, otherwise I would be moaning about them.

@Lasair

Yabu. It’s twice a month. The stuff isn’t even coming home with your son. At first I was on your side when I thought the stuff as at your house but it’s not!

It's every time they see him, so average twice a month, could be more.

The stuff is very much in my house, but I don't care about that.

I don't want to be undermined, I don't want to be lied to, I don't want my son to associate them with material things, I don't want my son to be spoiled, I don't want my son to grow up expecting gifts for no special occasion. Myriad reasons.

@Bumpsadaisie

Is it about the toys or is it about wanting them to do exactly as you wish?

There's a balance. Where is the line between respecting someone's wishes and submitting to their dictates?

I ask that as a genuine question.

Your PILs probably feel controlled and like you two are being queen bees.

You feel disrespected and disregarded.

They could do more to respect your feelings.

You could perhaps do more in a live and let live kind of spirit - they grandparents they're indulgent - you could suck up the fact that they want to give toys rather than trying to regulate this so tightly.

Is there some compromise. You have said to them "no toys!" And indeed your DH has spoken "firmly" to them about this. As if they are children and your wishes are the main event. "My child my word goes".

Your PILs have decided to merrily ignore all of this probably because they feel you are being absurd.

Could you try talking to them again adult to adult? Not "no toys!" But "we understand you want to give toys and we know you love DGS so much. We love that you want to buy for him and show your love. But we have too many toys and we're a bit worried DGS will get spoilt? Would it be ok if you have a toy less frequently?"

Of course you might have done all this already and maybe your PiLs really are just very provocative.

Could you try talking to them again adult to adult? Not "no toys!" But "we understand you want to give toys and we know you love DGS so much. We love that you want to buy for him and show your love. But we have too many toys and we're a bit worried DGS will get spoilt? Would it be ok if you have a toy less frequently?"

Of course you might have done all this already and maybe your PiLs really are just very provocative.

It's been a gradual ramping up of conversations since his birth to the 'No toys' stance that we now have.

We've said please buy books, colouring stuff etc

New toys aren't the problem though.

A new toy every couple of weeks and every time you see your grandparents (particularly when they've been asked not to and they're giving it sneakily) is the problem.

How do you make Christmas and birthdays special if there's new toys all the time?

Also, it's quite easy to buy a cheapish toy for a 4 year old. Are they going to continue with a new PS5 game every 2 weeks for a 10/11/12 year old?

I don't know what you can do if they won't stop. Other than emphasise that what you want and what you want your son to value is their relationship and the time they can spend together, not the material things.

@titchy

Leave the toys at their house.

Rtft

@Janeandjohnny

I think you need to shift the focus. Instead of it being around toys you need to make it about how you feel. I would say that this habit makes you question your relationship with them, undermines you and leaves you feeling as though they are constantly seeking to go against you. You will unfortunately have to see less of them to get the message through.

With respect, I couldn't disagree with this post more.

This isn't about you. It's about grandparents wanting to treat their grandson. It doesn't need to be anything more than that. On MN there is a big thing about putting PILs and GPs in their place and ensuring they know who's boss. No doubt there are toxic people out there who do need to be managed carefully (or blocked out altogether), but grandparents who want to spoil their GDS with new toys don't fall into that category.

How frustrating!
How about you insist that the toys the GP bring go home with them again (these are your GP’s toys to play with when you go to see them). Then the children can play with them when they visit. Doesn’t matter how many they buy. That’s where they will be.

@daisypond why would it be a joke

To be honest there's not much you can do other that what you have done. (Aside from severing all contact which would be a nuts. Gifting a child is no a reason to go no contact.)

I get it's irritating. My DH's family were like that - not just the grandparents either, thier uncles did the same They ended up with an insane amount of whatever toy they were mad about.

As I said, you can't control it, but you can ensure you don't make it something deceitful, by which I mean you get to a place where they are giving things behind your back. That adds another negative side to gift giving (the other being your son's expectation of always getting something.)

What you can do is make sure he is grateful every time, don't buy him things frequently yourselves and have regular clear outs to charity or to other families. If he has mountains, there must be a good few in decent condition.

He can be involved with it too - mine used to be asked to choose at least one or two things they would like to donate (I'd also be selecting things they hadn't played with for months and put the away. If it wasn't noticed it was gone then it got passed on.)

Saying all that, it's worth still saying to the grandparents you don't want them getting a gift everything because you want your DS to look forward to seeing them and not because he'll get a toy. Said on repeat.

@FreeBritnee

My MIL does the same. She’s bought them a toy shop over the years.

You know what though. Whilst it does irritate me a bit (far less than it used to) and i often think if she’d put the money she spent on toys into a savings account the kids would probably have about 5k each in there, the kids absolutely adore her and are just absolutely pigs in muck with delight at everything she gives them. She also get so much pleasure to see their pleasure and she’s mid eighties now so I just let it go.

Yes it makes our lives more difficult when it comes to buying special gifts. Yes the toys take up a huge amount of room in the house and yes that sometimes pisses me off. But man my kids are happier for it. They don’t spend all their times on screens even though my eldest is getting to the age where screens trump all. So I’ve managed to rationalise it and when MIL eventually passes I hope my acceptance of her toy buying madness made her last decade a lot richer.

Perfect answer!

YANBU - I hate being undermined by in laws. I have learnt to let it go. It won’t change, and going NC is not an option.

I just make jokes about it all. The secret snack tins, the stupid number of toys. Again, no actual money for savings, just rubbish and the kids loved it.

They went through a phase of acting spoilt and entitled. I’ve managed that and my dc are grateful and kind, not spoilt. The toys have reduced and become more focused on what my kids are into. There are far less gifts etc. so don’t stress. They will be fine and I’m glad I gave up the power struggle. It’s simply not worth it!

Buying new toys every couple of weeks for a four-year-old is slightly obscene. It’s lazy grandparenting. It’s damaging for the child and gives awful messages about entitlement, consumerism and the environment. As pp said, are they going to continue this when he’s 12, 15, etc?

I think the best solution is to remove the no-toy ban, but leave the toys at their house.

This way they won't be lying to you/going behind your back to secretly give him toys, hopefully removing a lot of the annoyance you feel about that.

Your son won't be spoilt. No child is going to be spoilt because their Grandparents (who they see twice a month) have a lot of toys at their house. They won't feel like they're his toys if they live somewhere else where he visits twice a month. Also, being spoilt comes from much more than grandparents buying toys. I think you're worrying unnecessarily about this. It's much more about how you raise him and his attitude to stuff generally.

Your house won't be full of plastic toys.

Make Christmas about more than how many toys he will get. That way Christmas will be fun and exciting regardless of whether he already has lots of toys or not. The grandparents buying toys will only diminish his excitement about Christmas if you're planning on making Christmas a materialistic festival anyway.

My Mum used to lock horns with her in-laws over this and ended up really resentful and cross and it damaged their relationship.

My brother and I were their only grandchildren and they were simply overwhelmed with adoration I think. They did spoil us I suppose in that they cherished us but it didn't impact who we are and our expectations around gifts.

What we've encouraged in our house is the grandparents taking responsibility for curating certain hobbies/experiences with the DC to fill that desire to shower love on them and provide in some way. So nowadays, my Mum takes my teen DD to her archery club once a week and then out for tea. MIL takes DS to the cinema regularly. My Dad takes DD to the theatre. ILs take them to art galleries. Those sorts of things. It fulfils that desire to be with them, to show love, to be involved with them and providing.

I'd work at acknowledging that they're overwhelmed and want to show it and discuss how they could do that more productively. Like a trip to the library once a week to change his books and home via the park?

And if they keep it up with the toys? Oh I don't know that it will go on forever and in the grand scheme of things, you can manage who he is and how he feels about expectation in the time you're the major influence on his development.

@ComeAllYeFaithful

I completely understand. My in laws live abroad and every time they visit they either bring shit or take them to smyths. They want for absolutely nothing and I am sick of it. It all came to a head last visit when they wandered around looking bored and chose something half heartedly. In law took major offence and stormed out. Maybe they should just effing listen next time.

However they’ve made a rod for their own backs and now they know when nanny comes, they get a toy. It’s all they want to see her for!

Now there is some truth to the last paragraph. My MIL is my kids favourite nanny simply because she buys them toys and lets them eat chocolate. However I have a very strong memory of my maternal grandfather who always bought me a chocolate pudding when he knew I was going over. That has stayed in my head as an adult and I still gave extremely fond memories of him, partially because of that desert. So you really can buy kids affection with sweets and toys!! 😂

Getting a toy every time you see someone sets up that expectation though. It's like buying a toy every time you go in a shop. Eventually you're going to get tantrums if you don't buy a toy. And that's not the kid's fault, it's the adults for setting that expectation.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@RedWingBoots wow lucky children [/quote]
They are even luckier than that as the adults, especially the young ones, happily play with them and take them out.

My parents do this and it annoyed me but now I just accept it and have come round to just being grateful the children have people in their lives who care and want to spoil them. They do a lot for us to help out and I think they enjoy giving gifts, the children love receiving them and it’s all a much happier environment since I stopped giving a shit about it.

The toys are outgrown before too long, instilled manners and expectations are ruined by one person/couple giving gifts, and children very quickly reach the age where they don’t want to spend so much time with grandparents or parents (or else the grandparents die) so it’s no longer a battle I chose to have.

Maybe not what you wanted to hear or the route you want to go down but how about a deep breath, accept it and appreciate there are so many toys already you barely need to buy anything for Christmas.

Could you come back theres each time with two-fours they have bought but no longer plays with and say they will live at gp house as you are out of room. Keep doing this as its exactly what they are doing to you. If they say no, ignore as they do you?

Imo unless they are personally attacking you or hurting people it's not worth going NC over

@ludocris
But it is about the OP. The PIL are undermining her and dont get what they want. Her kid, her rules so they toe the line. Its simple.

@daisypond

Buying new toys every couple of weeks for a four-year-old is slightly obscene. It’s lazy grandparenting. It’s damaging for the child and gives awful messages about entitlement, consumerism and the environment. As pp said, are they going to continue this when he’s 12, 15, etc?

Oh god. What drama. It's very unlikely they will keep buying toys when they're older isn't it? You know that. It's also very unlikely that the child will develop some abhorrent spoilt personality from this even though I do empathise with the OP and would feel a bit the same myself.