Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

Wow is this really such a big deal?! Why does everything have to be so serious? They’re enjoying spoiling him, he loves the toys, so what? Let them enjoy treating him. I can understand from a Christmas point of view you don’t want to buy the same things- so tell them what you’re getting him- but otherwise why potentially stop contact over this?

My son has no grandparents at all. None. I’d love him to have grandparents who love him and spoil him like this.!

Just bag them all up and drop them off. Say the toys can live at their house for when you visit.

Can I ask why you don't want them to do this?

Have you tried explaining to them that you want your son to enjoy being with them as people and not just because they bring him a present . Perhaps if they understand that there could be a consequence for them in their relationship with their grandson it might make them think again.

Does DS play with the toys?

All toys they buy for him stay in their house so he can play with them when he visits them.

So you basically say "Thank you. Now he has another toy he can play with in your house when he comes to visit you" Then when you leave you firmly repeat this and give them the toys back.

I've done this with some of my relations as my DD has far too many toys. They don't buy her a toy every time she sees then though and some of the toys were given to me by others but have ended up in their homes.

@BurntO

Just bag them all up and drop them off. Say the toys can live at their house for when you visit.

It's not the toys, it's the constant giving.

I don't want my son to be spoiled and get used to receiving endless new things. It's really not good for a young mind. Especially as I'm trying to get him to wait patiently for Christmas for example.

Plus they were sneaky with it.

@imonlyhooman

Can I ask why you don't want them to do this?

Because I don't want my son to be spoiled

Can your DH calmly ask them they are ignoring him?
My main concern would be what else are they ignoring you about or soon will be? Do they make him unhealthy food? Do they put him to bed way past his bedtime? Do they let him watch inappropriate TV?

I’m going to guess OP wishes to curate some carefully chosen wooden toys for the house. We all go in with these ideas but eventually just accept the plastic shit will win in the end.

@Peaseblossum22

Have you tried explaining to them that you want your son to enjoy being with them as people and not just because they bring him a present . Perhaps if they understand that there could be a consequence for them in their relationship with their grandson it might make them think again.

We've said to them that we don't want him associating them with new stuff. But they seemingly don't mind!

@girlmom21

Does DS play with the toys?

Yes, he loves the toys

Don’t see them again now until the day that they would normally be giving Christmas presents. Turn down invitations. If they ask why not explain that you don’t want ds to have any more toys before Xmas as it will spoil his Christmas.
The first meet up after Christmas message them and ask them no toys - I think you’ll get a different reaction.

@FreeBritnee

I’m going to guess OP wishes to curate some carefully chosen wooden toys for the house. We all go in with these ideas but eventually just accept the plastic shit will win in the end.

Ha. No. Our house is full of plastic toys.

Again, it's not only the toys.

I feel your pain. Currently mid conflict with my MIL about her buying inappropriate toys that she knows DP and I do not allow. It feels like a power struggle over who gets to ultimately decide what dc get. (It's us obviously! The parents. But she needs to push that for some reason.)

In our case the offending item was intended to be given for Christmas so DP had it out with her (after I had already tried to and backed off- it's HIS mum he can do it!) and she's very begrudgingly said she wouldn't give dc the offending items.

So my advice is- your DP needs to sort this out with his parents.

If he plays with the toys a lot it's not like it's just clutter

I don’t think it matters what you’ve asked them or why. The point is they are ignoring you going behind your back and undermining you.

When they pop their clogs, you may regret being petty about this.

Having new toys when he visits grandparents twice a month is not going to spoil him.

Although they should be respecting your wishes, it sounds like you also need to chill out a bit.

A compromise is that they buy him toys for their house.

My parents are the exact same, well my mum. She doesn’t listen when I say we don’t need toys (he’s still under 1).

We had a mini breakthrough using a toy subscription site for a while, where we can then swap the items as he grows out of them. Initially it was clothes, but she stopped when she realised I was selling them.

She doesn’t understand my reasons: I don’t want him being spoilt with stuff, I think so many toys are overwhelming rather than him enjoying them, I’m not big on consumerism & we’re trying to reduce our consumption or get things second hand.

She’ll never get my thought process. I just keep repeating “he won’t use that, can you still return it?” I’m honestly dreading Christmas.

I feel you, my parents give large qualtities of food in the same way. Think fruit given and then sneaking off to the kitchen for cakes before dinner. If I say anything I get accused of being horrible.
I too find what your PIL are doing sneaky and disrespectful.
Your DC is coming up to an age where he won't like what is given or want things that are expensive. At that age you can start to sell the crap on fb for him and he can save the money for things he likes.

For now, I would conpletely ignore their fuss about books and toys so they don't get the satisfaction. Just say to DC, "what a nice toy to say at granny and granddads'". Blank stare at PIL and don't take the damned thing home.

Yanbu to feel annoyed that they are not listening to you - they are being disrespectful.

However I would not cut contact over this. We have two sets of grandparents who are terminally ill and can barely see our kids. I think in the grand scheme of things I would try to grit my teeth and let this go.

My dad's parents used to give us a gift every time we saw them (not as often) and I'm sure it drove my parents mad but I don't think it spoiled us in the long run and tailed off around the age of 10.

I honestly cannot believe that people are suggesting cutting contact. Give me strength.... they're buying him toys, not holding his hand over a naked flame! Yes, I can see you don't want him to be spoilt, and yes, it would annoy me, but just eye-roll, make a bit of a joke of it, and do regular clear outs for the charity shop so your son learns the value of generous giving. Blimey!

I can understand that this must be annoying and when my eldest DC was 4 I might have felt the same. He is 20 now and my youngest is 11 and honestly, it just wouldn't bother me as much now.
They sound like they are involved GP's and love him very much, even having a play room in their house for him!
Unbelievable that some are suggesting no contact (unless there is a huge other back story here)

@Bagelsandbrie it's not just grandparents who do this.

My DD has no living grandparents but I have loads of brothers and sisters, some of whom are older than me so I have adult nephews and nieces. Plus elderly adult cousins. All of them will happily buy my DD and the other 3-4 family kids aged under 8 toys when they see them.

Luckily they don't this every single time they see them but still all the little ones get a ridiculous number of toys.

Added on to that are our adult friends and lovely colleagues many brought up in cultures were you give people gifts when you visit them buy them toys. Then there are my neighbours ....