Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

This would drive me crazy too. I think your husband needs to step up and be very firm with them every time it happens? And maybe you should immediately redirect when they bring a toy and say "oh look grannie and grandpa got another toy for children in need, how nice!" And immediately take it away. Your DC will probably have a short tantrum and then forget about it.

You could also try greeting them outside before they come in and take any toys off of them. I had a friend who had to do this because her mom kept bringing garbage bags full of toys from the dollar store every time she visited. And then maybe only have them over to your house so you can control the environment.

Going behind your back to do something you’ve explicitly told them not to do is a deal breaker. It doesn’t matter whether anyone agrees with your decision to limit toys or not.

In your position, I’d stop being polite and calmly tell them you won’t visit if they continue to disregard your wishes.

If you don’t want to do that then I’d tell them how annoyed you are every time. If they have a rule like taking your shoes off in the house or something I’d start blatantly ignoring that too. They obviously don’t care about being rude to you, maybe a taste of their own medicine would help them see how annoying it is.

How difficult! I find myself restricting what I would otherwise like to gift my own children at Christmas because it's too much with the present tsumani from Nanny.
But you can't stop visiting if they are otherwise lovely... maybe add to the usual "no toys please" message that if they carry on the toys will end up going to the charity shop??

@ShowOfHands

My Mum used to lock horns with her in-laws over this and ended up really resentful and cross and it damaged their relationship.

My brother and I were their only grandchildren and they were simply overwhelmed with adoration I think. They did spoil us I suppose in that they cherished us but it didn't impact who we are and our expectations around gifts.

What we've encouraged in our house is the grandparents taking responsibility for curating certain hobbies/experiences with the DC to fill that desire to shower love on them and provide in some way. So nowadays, my Mum takes my teen DD to her archery club once a week and then out for tea. MIL takes DS to the cinema regularly. My Dad takes DD to the theatre. ILs take them to art galleries. Those sorts of things. It fulfils that desire to be with them, to show love, to be involved with them and providing.

I'd work at acknowledging that they're overwhelmed and want to show it and discuss how they could do that more productively. Like a trip to the library once a week to change his books and home via the park?

And if they keep it up with the toys? Oh I don't know that it will go on forever and in the grand scheme of things, you can manage who he is and how he feels about expectation in the time you're the major influence on his development.

This is an AMAZING approach re fostering their hobbies. Such a lovely idea

@larkle

I am a teacher. Lovely, kind parents have lovely, kind children. I don't know what a 'spoiled' child is. It is not a term used in education. It belongs in the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' approach to being a parent. I have come across lots of children and parents, some parents discipline by with holding food, some smack, some isolate and emotionally abuse. Whenever I come across a really delightful, kind, well adjusted student , I know that when I meet their parents they will mirror the behaviour of their lovely child. All children under the age of ten are so anxious to please their parents. This generally changes in the teen years and they start to question controlling behaviour from a parent. I think YABU and controlling. I think you need to mirror generosity of spirit and kindness to your child. This will have a far greater impact on him than all the Biblical threats about 'spoiling' a child.

You absolutely can, and do, have spoiled children 😂😂

@FatBettyintheCoop

I think that deliberately sneaking something into your house when you were out is actually very disrespectful to you and your husband.

Maybe you could do something similar and start sneaking stuff into their house each time you visit. Something small and hideous that you've bought from a charity shop. Leave the items in strange places in their house just before you leave and wait for one of them to comment.

You could have some fun with this.

As a grandparent myself, I can't imagine riding roughshod over my DC's wishes like that.

😂😂😂 love this idea

This needs to be nipped this in the bud - calmly and assertively by your DH.

It’s your decision as a parent how you want to raise your DC, what values you want to instil and what you want them exposed to or not.

Lots of people don’t approve of excess toys, clothes, food etc. It’s up to you where YOU draw the line for YOUR child. But the real line crossed here is disrespect, deceit and undermining for YOUR choices in parenting, when you have been repeatedly explicit.

I don't know what I think about this. I can see why it's really annoying that they're ignoring what you've asked them to do.

On the other hand, I was hugely indulged by my grandparents as a child, as was my sister. Lots of gifts of money, toys, treats that my mum would probably have preferred we didn't have. They were also the most wonderfully caring grandparents who spent a lot of time caring for us, teaching us to do things, doing crafts and taking us out and about. I loved them desperately and miss them dreadfully still. Like PP, I actually feel quite tearful thinking about how lucky I was to have them. I certainly didn't turn out spoiled and was grateful for every gift- because my parents taught me the importance of gratitude, the stuff didn't make me spoiled. If you consistently give this message at home, which it sounds like you do, I doubt it will make your son spoiled either.

My MIL is always buying things for my DS, more than I would like her to. But it brings her profound joy to do so and my DS is grateful for everything he receives. While I'd prefer she cut back, she teaches him things that I didn't think of, does lovely activities with him, showers him with affection and looks after him if I need her to. My take on it is that I need to let them have their own independent relationship with each other as much as possible, which means letting things go unless I really think they're harmful.

So I'm in two minds. I think they should ultimately respect what you're asking them to do as his parents. But I also think it won't be as harmful to your DS as you think it will be because he will most likely absorb the messages he receives most of the time about being grateful from you at home.

OP I would fucking hate this too, it’s unnecessary for a start and rude to ignore your requests to stop.

It will make your son spoilt, unable to wait for birthday or Christmas, and once he’s old enough to ask for big ticket items - which is probably only a year away - will it be an iPad one week, a Kindle Fire the next? (Examples of what DD5 has asked for, thanks to advertising - they have no clue how much they cost!)

I had this with my mum buying my son clothes. We were unbelievably ruined with gifts when he was born and people were incredibly kind but the storage was problematic for us as our flat is so small. My mum is well aware of this and yet still continues to buy him clothes. Sometimes she hands them over and sometimes she just sends him home wearing new pyjamas if she has bathed him whilst babysitting him etc. At first it was annoying as it was adding to the pile of things to be stored but then I realised it's just excitement on my mums part and she just loves to buy him little gifts and see him wearing things she has chosen. I have just came to accept it even though it's making me more work as I now have charity bags to fill and donate regularly. However I have found a good local charity that give them to families who are on a low income so it's nice To be able to do something good with them. Maybe you could do the same and just donate the toys to others? Definitely need to address the issue of ignoring your requests though. That's the real issue here for me. Good luck

Mumsnet really is the most bizarre, contrary place.

People are often denigrated on Christmas threads, told buying more than a couple of presents is obscene, kids will become spoilt brats etc yet here's a little boy receiving toys at least every other week and that's okay? So, he gets on average 26 random gifts a year, probably more and that's fine, not a problem. Yet, another poster might say they've bought their child 10 gifts, they only buy for Christmas and get ripped to shreds.