Grandparents repeatedly ignoring our wishes when it comes to new toys

[connorkendallromanshiv]

For at least the last 6 months we have asked my husband's parents to stop buying our son (4 in Feb) a new toy every time we see them.

So far we've been ignored and every time we arrive at theirs there is a toy out which invariably gets spotted by my son before I can say anything, or the new toy is given to him out of my sight. If they come to ours the same thing happens, a new toy is just presented.

My husband told them quite firmly to stop doing this. Last week we went to theirs, three new toys appeared. I was furious and had to leave the room.

Last night they did us a massive favour a babysat while we went out. Before they arrived we said 'no toys please especially as it's coming up to Christmas time'. I have been telling our son to wait for Christmas when he asks for things and he just says ok. No problems.

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I find this blatant disregard for our wishes disrespectful, and the fact they basically lied about only bringing books, and then giving the toy when we weren't there really rude.

How should I handle this?

@LizzieSiddal

They arrived and made a big deal about just having bought him books, we'd said books are absolutely fine, as many as they wanted.

Turns out that as soon as we'd gone out, another fucking toy was given.

I’d use this as a way to have a “chat” with them. You have every right to tell them you feel very let down by them lying to you about them not bringing a toy. But then ask them why they are doing it, ask them if they think it’s a good idea that they are telling you porkies? But also see if there is a compromise? Maybe it’s a toy once a month?

This is a good point.

You are way beyond explaining (again and again and again) why you don’t want toys given. The toys and the toy giving are irrelevant now.

What is now relevant are the lies, deception, and undermining.

Get your DH to talk to them about this unacceptable behaviour in their relationship with you both.

Don’t worry about creating WW3 - you both have every right to calmly assert yourselves that you will not be lied to by anyone.

It will only be WW3 if you let it fester and erupt and pollute your relationship with simmering contempt.

It’s your DH job.

What’s the relationship like more generally? Is one of the PIL more dominant - is one more receptive?

And yes you can and should reduce contact with people who lie and disrespect you and your expressed values around your family. Make this clear to them very calmly.

Beyond books - could you suggest that they do more stuff with your DC - so theatre, cinema, soft play, nature walks, day trips etc?

@AlwaysLatte

Leave all the new toys at the grandparents' house.

He's still received something new though, and will still associate them with stuff.

For crying out loud - how have we come to this? They love your son, they get joy out of spoiling him, it's not going to ruin him for life. You are being pathetic. There are so many posters on MN telling tales of GPs who have very little to do with their grandchildren, and you're moaning about this.

@gofg

For crying out loud - how have we come to this? They love your son, they get joy out of spoiling him, it's not going to ruin him for life. You are being pathetic. There are so many posters on MN telling tales of GPs who have very little to do with their grandchildren, and you're moaning about this.

Yikes! Harsh.

Rather than hurting everyone, how about directly them to specific items - draw a line under this year and say to them from January you want to get him reading books. - this is brand and list, welcome to help but no toys until Easter/birthday whichever is soonest

What's your actual issue? Is it the lack of respect or the fact you don't want him to be spoilt?

@Bagelsandbrie same here ! My dd's grandparents are either dead or poorly in care homes, what I'd give for her to be receiving toys from them !!!

Why don’t you want them buying toys twice a month. I don’t understand what the issue is if space isn’t an issue at your house and the toys can stay at your in laws house anyway.

It sounds a bit controlling of you if there isn’t a good reason why. Obviously them lying to you is not on at all but I wonder if there’s a bigger story re this.

My parents couldn’t have been less interested in our children when they were little, so to me it seems kind that want to spoil him. Hopefully you’ll be able to chat and sort it out.

Have you or DH ever lost your shit with them over not only the toys but the lies/deception/undermining? Not “telling them firmly” (we’ve all got different ideas of being firm), or doing the cat’s bum mouth of disapproval, but a proper ‘Eastenders “you ain’t my muvver” outburst asking them WTF they’re playing at, no means no, you’re not joking, why won’t they LISTEN’ barny?

@connorkendallromanshiv It was an assumption based on the whinging you've been doing on here to be honest. Live a little.

@RedWingBoots wow lucky children

Get a grip OP. They are grandparents treating their grandkids who they clearly adore. Be bloody grateful that you have them and leave them to it.

I don’t know why you are getting so worked up about it , just because a child always gets something doesn’t mean it will be a spoiled brat . My mum / sister were like this with ours and our children are now very non materialistic adults . The only time I got a bit cross was when my mum bought our 6 yo a new pony ( his original one had died a few months earlier ) and that was only because I knew I would get lumbered with the ongoing cost of keeping it .

I would just make sure all the toys they buy are at their house in the playroom . I understand why you are annoyed but it’s their money they are wasting . As long as it was not cluttering up my house I would let it go.

It sounds a bit controlling of you if there isn’t a good reason why.

There is a good reason why. The OP doesn’t want her son spoiled. She wants him to learn to wait, develop feelings of excitement and anticipation, especially with Christmas coming. The GPS are undermining the OP and lying.

I understand that you don't want your son to be spoiled. But some of the suggestions on this thread are ridiculous. As I've no doubt you're aware, your son is very lucky to have grandparents who adore him and want to treat him.

Rather than the suggestions along the lines of stopping contact (ffs) or insisting that the toys they buy stay at their house, I would suggest that your husband goes round to see them, sits them down and says that whilst you (plural) really appreciate how generous they are with him, and you know how much they love him, it's really important to you that he doesn't start to expect to be given toys every time he sees them, and that you'd be really grateful if instead, they just get books or maybe put some money in a savings account.

I know your DH has already spoken to them about this but I think another attempt at really explaining why, and doing it with love and not as an attempt to regain control, might be more effective.

@gofg

For crying out loud - how have we come to this? They love your son, they get joy out of spoiling him, it's not going to ruin him for life. You are being pathetic. There are so many posters on MN telling tales of GPs who have very little to do with their grandchildren, and you're moaning about this.

100%

@Floralnomad

I don’t know why you are getting so worked up about it , just because a child always gets something doesn’t mean it will be a spoiled brat . My mum / sister were like this with ours and our children are now very non materialistic adults . The only time I got a bit cross was when my mum bought our 6 yo a new pony ( his original one had died a few months earlier ) and that was only because I knew I would get lumbered with the ongoing cost of keeping it .

Is this a joke?

I knew it would be the husband's parents. Take/leave all the toys at theirs, just say you haven't got room, hopefully they'll get fed-up with the toy mountain.

@girlmom21

What's your actual issue? Is it the lack of respect or the fact you don't want him to be spoilt?

Both

I d had this with my parents and then as they got older giving money every time they saw them. I don’t mean a couple of pounds either, ridiculous amounts for their ages really.

For the last decade or so we have had minimal contact but there are many other reasons for that.

It really upset me because I wanted my kids to live going to their grandparents to see their grandparents and not because they might get stuff/money. The honest truth is it’s blatant attention/ affection seeking on their part and not thinking about what is god for the child; in my case that and their disdain for me as a parent (and a person) also came through in myriad other ways though.

Yabu. It’s twice a month. The stuff isn’t even coming home with your son. At first I was on your side when I thought the stuff as at your house but it’s not!

Is it about the toys or is it about wanting them to do exactly as you wish?

There's a balance. Where is the line between respecting someone's wishes and submitting to their dictates?

I ask that as a genuine question.

Your PILs probably feel controlled and like you two are being queen bees.

You feel disrespected and disregarded.

They could do more to respect your feelings.

You could perhaps do more in a live and let live kind of spirit - they grandparents they're indulgent - you could suck up the fact that they want to give toys rather than trying to regulate this so tightly.

Is there some compromise. You have said to them "no toys!" And indeed your DH has spoken "firmly" to them about this. As if they are children and your wishes are the main event. "My child my word goes".

Your PILs have decided to merrily ignore all of this probably because they feel you are being absurd.

Could you try talking to them again adult to adult? Not "no toys!" But "we understand you want to give toys and we know you love DGS so much. We love that you want to buy for him and show your love. But we have too many toys and we're a bit worried DGS will get spoilt? Would it be ok if you have a toy less frequently?"

Of course you might have done all this already and maybe your PiLs really are just very provocative.

I'm totally with you on this. If they want to spoil their grandchild (completely understand) then spoil him with time. I'm sorry I missed your child's age but examples

• take him to feed the ducks
• take him to the play park
• bake a cake and lick the bowl
• read stories and have a cuddle
• get some snacks and watch a film
• take him to the zoo
• get paints out and do some messy play

There are millions of ways to bond and show love to a child and it doesn't mean just feeding them a constant stream of presents for the sake of it.

“ He's still received something new though, and will still associate them with stuff”

Well if you are right @connorkendallromanshiv

Your children will have a bad relationship with them? Or perhaps they won’t? Who knows but your children will come to their own conclusions. The GP won’t be in their lives for ever . I would let it go .