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Original poster

Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

170 replies

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:00

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

OP posts:

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/12/2021 15:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

IslaInthesun · 02/12/2021 15:07

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.

Yep nailed it in the first post

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/12/2021 15:07

It does not matter what others do
You do what’s right for you
Tell your brother in law to not engage with his mum on this topic unless he has your back. Keep doing what you're doing and invite her when you want to

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Beamur · 02/12/2021 15:07

I think most women who have a good relationship with their Mums will lean more towards that relationship than their MIL.
I'm not sure you need to do much really. Does your MIL want to help with childcare while you work? Or does she want to see you more at weekends?
If she's complaining to others in the hope it gets back to you, that's an immature way to deal with this.
What does your partner think? It's his mum after all.
You don't owe anyone a balance of time or access to your baby though.

Isit2021yetplease · 02/12/2021 15:08

I agree - we do the same as you. I’m on maternity leave so I see my mum during the week when my husband is working and she helps out with the older ones after school etc too so sees far more than MIL. I very much dislike MIL so have no intention of spending time alone with her without my husband so it’s left for weekends when we also need to have time alone as a family and see friends. It’s hard but I don’t know how else it could work.
However I have sons (as well as a daughter) and I guess karma will bite in 30 years time when the same is happening to me…and I won’t be able to moan that I never see my grandchildren! I do however hope I am a much nicer MIL than mine has ever been to me and respect any future DIL far more than she has me.

Pallisers · 02/12/2021 15:09

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.

what a nasty response. Where did the OP say her mil was "irrelevant"? She sees them at weekends.

How about accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, and his mother in law provides childcare during the week for them, she may see your grandchildren more than you and don't be a dick about it.

Trisolaris · 02/12/2021 15:10

Has your mil offered childcare whilst you work that you have refused? Or gets upset that your mum sees your son more but that’s because she provides childcare that you in-laws wouldn’t? The two are different situations.

Original poster

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:11

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.

I’m not getting into all the reasons why I lean on my mum more.. I think given the rest of the posts it’s a completely natural thing to do…

Are you a MIL by any chance?!….

OP posts:

Pallisers · 02/12/2021 15:12

However I have sons (as well as a daughter) and I guess karma will bite in 30 years time when the same is happening to me…and I won’t be able to moan that I never see my grandchildren! I do however hope I am a much nicer MIL than mine has ever been to me and respect any future DIL far more than she has me.

My MIL has only sons and she sees her grandchildren a lot and everyone of her dils adore her - because she never kept score, never felt threatened by our relationships with our mothers, never saw her grandchildren as a prize to be doled out, supported and loved us all.

Bagelsandbrie · 02/12/2021 15:12

Would your mil like to share the childcare?

I think it’s only fair to try and see both equally if so - it’s not fair for one to have more contact just because she’s your Mum.

RedskyThisNight · 02/12/2021 15:14

Would your MIL like to share childcare with your mother? If so, it does seem mean not to do this, unless she is unreliable for some reason you've not mentioned. Would she like to have dinner with you once a week? I think in general it's good to keep grandparents on a an equal footing and not pick favourites.

Original poster

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:14

@Beamur

I think most women who have a good relationship with their Mums will lean more towards that relationship than their MIL. I'm not sure you need to do much really. Does your MIL want to help with childcare while you work? Or does she want to see you more at weekends? If she's complaining to others in the hope it gets back to you, that's an immature way to deal with this. What does your partner think? It's his mum after all. You don't owe anyone a balance of time or access to your baby though.

Agreed! MIL has never directly said that she would like to help with childcare - this is the issue with MIL she struggles to be direct and leaves both myself and my partner to ‘guess’ when somethings might upset her. We’ve been told she’s complaining to everyone but us so it seems.

Partner is so laid back about it all, I think he agrees that she should see our son (which she does) but we can’t always be 100% equal between the two grandparents.

OP posts:

Roisin78 · 02/12/2021 15:16

How can I tackle this…

I don't see why YOU have to tackle it at all. If your MIL wants to see her grandson more it's down her son to arrange that. Why would you do it? Of course you'll make the effort to see your own parents, if DH chooses not to make the same effort with HIS parents then that's on him.

SirChenjins · 02/12/2021 15:16

How often do you seen your PIL? If your mum is round every day and you’re only seeing your PIL some weekends then I can imagine she’s feeling a bit left out. I know that on MN this is tough shit and she has no rights etc etc, but in reality she’s bound to be a bit hurt. Unless she’s a total witch, in which case you’re obviously NBU.

Could she do one afternoon and your mum do the other 4 - would that be a solution? 10 minutes away is nothing really.

Cyw2018 · 02/12/2021 15:16

The majority of responsibility for facilitating the relationship between your DS and MIL lies with your partner, assuming that you are not being obstructive, then let then sort it out between the three of them.

Roisin78 · 02/12/2021 15:18

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.

Someone's bringing their own issues to the party 🤣🤣

Original poster

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:19

In answer to the questions about woukd I like MIL to share the childcare. I don’t mind her doing that, however she does not drive and so it would mean me having to drive back and fourth between towns for her to have my son for the 4 hours I work 3 afternoons a week.
They also do not have a cot, highchair or anything (other than toys from when my partner was a baby) for my son, when asked if they could provide these things they were insulted that we would ask for such a thing - as they purchased a cot for our son (we did not ask they insisted on this). Trouble is I can’t take the cot apart and cart it over to their house every afternoon… my mums house is equipped with all the things she needs to look after my son.

There is a lot of history, it would take such a long time to type it all out but it’s never been a great relationship between me and MIL and they are very difficult people in general (my partners view too by the way).

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 02/12/2021 15:19

This is very confusing for me. If MIL lived relatively close by, I would be happy to facilitate contact between her and my DC. But then, I broadly get on with her. Having said that, I wouldn't be popping in every day or every few days.

So I don't think it's weird that you don't want to be with her a lot. But I do think it's a bit odd that you don't seem to be interested in seeing her at all (unless there's some huge backstory about her being a bitch). I also would think that it's the easiest thing in the world to sound her out about the odd bit of childcare, "Hey MIL, I have to do this meeting next week, would you be able to have the baby for a couple of hours?" But again, that assumes there's no backstory about her feeding your baby brandy on its dummy when it was just 2 was old....

Original poster

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:20

@Roisin78

How can I tackle this…

THIS! It’s exactly how I feel about it all! Myself and my partner have had countless arguments… I’m waiting to get shot down for this comment!

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 02/12/2021 15:23

Oh come on. If the mother in law doesn’t drive and not had a very close relationship with her son to begin with. Why would the IL’s suddenly see more of their grandchild when they have one?

I’ve noticed this in general, a lot of men have a very casual relationship with their parents seeing them about twice a year. Neither parents nor son making much effort to actively see one another. Then when that continues and grandchildren arrive it’s the DIL’s fault. Why?

I used to make a lot of effort and invite MIL over. Then SIL got jealous, and MIL was rude when I invited her over. So I’ve not invited her over at all, it’s down to DH. And he never once invites her to ours, so MIL asks and I always say yes. But it’s not something DH even thinks about as he never had a close calling his mum seeing her regularly throughout the year kind of relationship.

I’m very fond of MIL, and love having her in our lives. But maintaining a relationship is all DH’s responsibility.

Beamur · 02/12/2021 15:23

Your MIL is not helping herself really. If you want to be a peacemaker, get your partner to have a gentle conversation with his Mum. Say you've heard indirectly that she'd like to see the baby more and ask how she would see that happening, you can't guarantee its the same amount as other grandparents (and Pallisers MIL is a beautiful example of generosity of spirit) but maybe they could come over one evening a week, have a meal, help put baby to bed, suchlike. If you'd prefer it when your partner is home (I would) then appropriate times for that to happen.

Original poster

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:24

@Triffid1 maybe by not posting the back story I’ve made myself sound like an evil DIL! I promise that is not the case!

I have no safeguarding concerns as such and I wouldn’t feel scared to leave my son with them it’s just the years of snidey comments, no support and many other things that would need a separate post to explain it all that is my issue..

I would never ever stop my son seeing them, more that I choose not to go and see them on my own (on my days off) sort of thing…

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 02/12/2021 15:24

I think throw this one back into your partners court. He can arrange and maintain the relationship with his family.

Not your responsibility

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/12/2021 15:26

I am in almost exactly the same position as your MIL, including the Other Granny doing lots of childcare and the distances we live apart, and me no longer driving. But I'm not phoning anyone to complain, and have been more hospitable in the past than your PIL, so I'm pretty sure you're not actually my DIL!

The only contact you mention is inviting them along to soft play. Soft play is a) Hell and b) a shit place to actually interact with anyone, let alone a small child who is off playing.

I do, very much, recall the nightmare of balancing everyone's needs, so I don't invite myself over or impose in any way. But I would appreciate the odd phone call just for a natter, and maybe an invite for tea and biscuits every couple of months when DC will be awake and active, picnics in the summer? I just feel that with Other Granny around so much they don't need or want my intrusion during their downtime, so I stfu. But I am starting to feel a little hurt at no meaningful interaction.

Meh, that's probably not very helpful. Sorry. Just... MILs are human too, maybe she's phoning her other son because she doesn't want to burden you or guilt trip you but does want a moan. Maybe she should join MN and moan about her DIL! (I don't moan about my current DIL because they're both lovely women and fantastic mums. But there's an ex... )

Classicblunder · 02/12/2021 15:26

If you only live 10 mins drive from MIL, could she not just take a taxi to you?

Otherwise, would be tempted to book a weekend away with friends and get your dH to take your DS to his parents for that weekend...

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