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Original poster

Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

170 replies

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:00

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 16:59

@PeachesPumpkin

I can definitely see it from your MIL side. It’s good that she is talking to you about it. Try and keep the amount of time you spend with both grandmas equal. It’s only fair.
She’s not talking to us about it! She’s talking to EVERYONE else but us!

My partners brother told us she was upset.. I would much rather she discuss with me and my partner than her sisters/other children/colleagues etc! What use is it if we don’t know how she feels!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 17:01

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I don't see why YOU have to tackle it at all. If your MIL wants to see her grandson more it's down her son to arrange that. Why would you do it? Of course you'll make the effort to see your own parents, if DH chooses not to make the same effort with HIS parents then that's on him

This with bells on, if you're arguing with your dh, simply say you have no issue with his mother seeing your son more often, so if he wants to arrange this you'll support him.

Then leave him to it. If it turns out he's arranged for her to look after your ds during your work hours, that's great, I start work at x time, if they can collect ds before then, I'll make sure he's ready.

This is going to be my next move… she has already said she doesn’t like the bus.. to me it’s not exactly a great start foe someone who ‘really wants to see their grandson’!
OP posts:
Roisin78 · 02/12/2021 23:09

@PeachesPumpkin

I can definitely see it from your MIL side. It’s good that she is talking to you about it. Try and keep the amount of time you spend with both grandmas equal. It’s only fair.
OP doesn't need to make access to her child 'fair' for anyone, she's perfectly entitled to spend time with whoever she wants to and if MIL is an arse then she'll miss out won't she. Being a grandparent doesn't give you any 'rights' to a child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Kite22 · 02/12/2021 23:44

You really haven't helped yourself with your title question and your opening post.

From them, I agree with the first poster who responded.

Thing being of course, you've dripped more and more little bits in to make yourself look less bad as you've gone through the thread. With all the extra information, your MiL isn't helping herself, no, but, of course there should be a starting point of all Grandparents having an equal relationship with their Grandchildren.

For full disclosure, I have 3 adult dc and no dgc yet, but I have both sexes of dc and I currently get on very well with all their partners. If and when the time comes then yes, I would naturally assume my DiL would go to her own Mum more readily for advice and even a moan, but I would expect similar amount of opportunities to see any future dgc. I would, of course expect my ds to facilitate that.

CheeseMmmm · 02/12/2021 23:53

I see some posters don't see the difference between your own parents and in-laws.

I find it just obvious and irl it's the norm but everyone's different.

I haven't caught up.

Given op mum is around most.

Apart from mil.

Have any of the should be equal people mentioned her dad/ FIL?

often mother's mum and dad see more of baby. Because parents, DD seeing parents on mat leave etc.

Has that inequality been raised?

Enough4me · 03/12/2021 00:02

OP, I hope you feel more reassured by the majority on here to leave this issue with your DH and he can either sort out or ignore with his mother.

MintJulia · 03/12/2021 00:28

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.
What a nasty, small-minded and unhelpful thing to say.

OP, this is your baby and your life. You need to run it however best works for you and your partner. Your mil sounds pretty immature if she is keeping tally on who spends more time with whom. You certainly don't owe her anything.

Being practical, you already invite her to softplay but if she won't drive then she's partly to blame herself.

I'd leave it to your dh to fetch his mother back and forth.

MintJulia · 03/12/2021 00:33

Also, neither set of grandparents have any 'right' to see their grandchildren.

It is absolutely up to you who you see. Don't allow yourself to be bullied, you have to be able to live your life freely.

CheeseMmmm · 03/12/2021 03:12

Once the baby is big enough to take out and about for a bit then surely DH facilitates etc his parents seeing each other.

DH did with ours. And his host of brothers sisters cousins as well.

Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 05:12

of course there should be a starting point of all Grandparents having an equal relationship with their Grandchildren.

Why should there? Relationships with grandchildren are going to be shaped by the grandparents' relationships with their own children and their partners. It's not up to parents to ensure everything is 50/50 when that isn't reflective of the existing relationships between the adults.

Also, with it being mums who so often take the majority of parental leave, become SAHPs or go part-time at work, it's natural that the kids will spend more time with people who are a big feature of mum's life.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2021 05:57

I'm always puzzled why it's on the DIL to maintain extended family relationships for everyone.

mumtoallbhoys · 03/12/2021 06:15

If someone asked me to meet them at soft play (when I didn't have age appropriate kids) I would assume they didn't like me/ want to talk to me.

If someone asked me for dinner or a picnic that would seem like they wanted to see me.

I think people can say it is DH's responsibility... and it is but really, do you want it awkward at every birthday party or christening? Surely there are some things in life that are just worth a little effort? Really 10 mins drive is nothing, you could easily drop in one morning every two weeks if you don't want to share your weekends.

maddy68 · 03/12/2021 06:20

She's not calling your partner's brother up ....she's phoning her other son
In conversation she's saying she is jealous of all that lovely time his other grandmother spends with her grandchild.

of course she is ? She loves him
It's also completely understandable that you spend more time with your mum as you need that support currently.

Noone is wrong here except your perspective

Cattipuss · 03/12/2021 06:21

Until she speaks directly to you about it just ignore, its up to DH to figure something out.

YourenutsmiLord · 03/12/2021 06:25

I would try to come up with something that suits her but doesn't mess up your own plans.
Eg could you 'need' MIL to come on a weekday morning so that you can go to supermarket. She can bus or get FIL to drive. But presuming you aren't moving abroad at some point she is going to have to get the hang of buses sooner or later Hmm

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/12/2021 06:43

My mil is also jealous of my mum and assumes myself and her son are toys she can pull out of a cupboard to entertain her at will.

Some non visit related things that will help: information diet (literally do not mention your mum)

Mil: grandsons outfit is very cute
No to
You: Yes my mum bought it for him isn't it gorgeous?
Yes to
You: thanks so much. I thought it was cute too

Mil: what are you up to at the weekend
No to
You: my mum is taking us to a national trust place
Yes to
You: we are popping out to x place for the day. Its national trust. Have you been?

Continually offer access so she can't legit claim you are at fault
"pop round whenever" "you know you are always welcome "

The busy defence
ALWAYS be telling her how busy your life is. DH works sooooo hard, you are so busy running around after DS and juggling part time job.

Redirect to DH
Put it back on him every. Single. Time.
If she isn't keen or your offers Redirect her to him. Every single. time.

HowBad · 03/12/2021 06:43

I really don't understand this 'It should be equal' thing. Grandparents aren't children, they're adults. It is on your partner to facilitate this relationship.

I've realised I don't like my MIL. Since having my baby I've realised that I've always had to put the effort in, and since I withdrew (and by that I mean gradually sent less messages/photos) she hasn't picked up any of the slack. I leave it to DH now, and we virtually never see them. MIL was pushy about seeing DD when she was tiny despite covid, but she has never offered to help in any way or asked if we needed anything. My DM has never offered help but then she is my DM and knows I am fiercely independent, and she regularly asks and always has if we need anything. MIL it's just radio silence, which they seemed fine with pre DD. But that's on them and DH as far as I'm concerned.

FWIW none of our family provide childcare and DM is 15 mins away PIL an hour. The only time we are ever passing their town is if we've done a massive trip and had to go on the motorway which is pretty unusual with a small baby for us.

RockinHorseShit · 03/12/2021 08:33

The MIL needs to grow the fuck up, she's behaving like a pathetic whiny kid. Bitching to BIL to make sure he tells you & DH is passive aggressive & designed to make you look bad. The world does not revolve around MIL, so if she wants a relationship with her DGS she needs to get off her backside & make some effort to facilitate that, not do feck all but bitch about what time she doesn't get with DGS.
She sounds attention seeking

Howshouldibehave · 03/12/2021 08:38

I saw my parents loads when my kids were little-they were helpful, reliable and lived around the corner. My in laws were none of these things.

Roselilly36 · 03/12/2021 08:52

@Ionlydomassiveones

It’s fine - just accept that when your little boy grows up and has children, you may be ‘of course’ considered irrelevant by your future DIL too.
Often very true for the mother of sons, sadly.

I was very close to my late MIL and she saw her GC multiple times per week, she was far lovelier than my own mum to me.

Probably the exception rather than the rule though.

Levithian · 03/12/2021 09:36

I think you've been unfair in asking them to provide a cot and highchair. Also, inviting them to softplay really isn't inviting them to spend any quality time with their grandchildren- the child will be distracted and busy, and it's not a nice environment for chatting.
Of course, it's up to your DP to facilitate a relationship with his parents, except I'd do it for the benefit of the child. I have some experience of being the child caught up in this kind of situation, and though I see that DGP weren't perfect, I do mourn a relationship with them like I had with the other side. It's like it was decided for me that I was more like one side of the family than the other, and either of my parents could have remedied that.
She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it. I'd swallow my pride and take the child there for an afternoon, for the sake of the child really.
(But I'm guessing from PP that you'll discount this advice as you do any other you don't agree with.)

ZooKeeper19 · 03/12/2021 10:57

@Moonstonemummy to be very honest your problem is with your partner. Not your MIL, or ILs in general. They are his problem to deal with.

I would chat to your partner, tell him how it's making you feel, and tell him to sort this out. Forget MIL and cars busses and high chairs, they don't seem to really want to make an effort.

To give you some context none of our family lives in the UK. When they want to see their grandkids, they book a flight, a hotel (not to encroach upon our privacy, but we do live in a small flat) and they make an effort to come, ask what they should bring etc. Same when we go over, both families, they have cots, chairs, toys, gates on stairs, bla bla...the whole thing. And I make sure I manage my parents and DH is reminded to call his parents at least 2-3x a week to video-call with the little ones. (yes I do remind him but he has gotten better at this and now he does this even by himself).

Again. It's not your MIL. It's your partner that you need to talk to and get on the same page with, everything else will then just fall into place.

NowEvenBetter · 03/12/2021 12:06

It’s for your boyfriend to arrange contact with his parents. He doesn’t arrange your contact with your mother, so why should it fall to you to sort it with his?

A non issue.

saraclara · 03/12/2021 12:32

She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

Exactly.

I have daughters so no skin in this game. But all the same I'm horrified how on mumsnet, the MIL is expected to take second place, not just by a bit, but by mile. 'How dare they expect to see their grandchild, they don't have rights'. 'It's up to their son to sort out seeing their DGC' (I don't get this -of the DIL is primary carer or a sahm, she's very much the gate keeper, and the son does not have access to her calendar or the right to announce that he's arranged a date or time with his mum that she will see the DGC, either.

Seriously, it seems that so many posters on here set their MILs up to fail, virtually from the day the DGC is born. And yet many of you will have sons and end up being back of the queue when you're a MIL too.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2021 12:38

Of course you are equal. You are free to spend as much time as you like with him
Just as I arrange things with my parents, you can arrange things with your son. I think it would be great if he had the relationship with you that I have with my parents excellent. I'm glad that's sorted. I'll leave that between the two of you.

Seriously. This shit always gets left to the woman. It's about time we said enough.