Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

[Moonstonemummy]

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

@ancientgran sorry but how do you know what I can and can’t afford?! I didn’t disclose my finances.

Thanks for your input but not sure how a cot is irrelevant…

@faithfulbird20

How does she know when he sees her? Don't tell her

Exactly what we will be doing in the future I think.

@PinkTonic

Are you a MIL by any chance?!….

Your mum is a MIL.

And your PILS aren’t ‘The PILS’ they’re your PILS and his parents.

@PinkTonic yes I understand that lol…

The issue is not that they are the PIL, the issue is how they behave towards us both before and after my son.. I have no issue with them being ‘PIL’.

MIL is jealous of my mother but yet does not want to put in the legwork to see her grandson that she so desperately wants to see.

I think it's natural for you have a stronger bond with your parents. I'll be honest as a I have 2 boys and I quite worry about it in the future. Could you not ask mil for help with childcare 1 afternoon a week. We did this I think it really helped my mil and son to
Bond xx

@Redshoeblueshoe

I don't drive. When my first GC was born he had to be transferred to a hospital 50 miles away. I re-arranged my hours at work, so I could stay on the days his DF was at work. So 2 buses and a train each way. DD's Mil flew in from another country. Your Mil can't even be arsed to get a bus or taxi. So I'm team Moonstonemummy

@Redshoeblueshoe you’ve hit the nail on the head!

When we lived further away from my mother (weve recently moved) she took the bus to see me and my son (my mum also doesn’t drive) and came and cooked for both myself and my partner, no trouble at all to do that… MIL was 5 mins walk and we didn’t see her except of course for photo opportunities and so that her sister and nieces could meet my son at 2 days old, whilst I was recovering from surgery… with no warning or courtesy to say they would be turning up on our doorstep.

I know those that have criticised me will ignore any of the negatives I write about MIL and continue to see me as the bad person in all of this.

@todayisnotagoodday thank you and I guess that’s all I’m wanting in terms of reassurance that it’s ok for me to lean on my mother more than MIL.
This thread has got quite nasty in some comments I’ve received.

Yes that is something we are going to look at doing more.

OP, I think this has been a since time began issue. For the majority ( I know there will be the exceptions) women tend to be closers to their maternal side because of a different maternal bond/being the one that arranges meet ups.

I have three girls, who I am incredibly close to so I know I lucked out but I am quite aware that if I had a son I would probably see less of him and his kids.

I would put the blame/responsibilty firmly back in to your partners court. If his mother want to see them more - he arranges it with her.

When we used to stay over at weekends we stayed with my parents.

They could fit us in more easily & we both found it more relaxing there.

Tbh we weren't going to stay one night with my parents & one at ILs to "be fair".

We were there to see who we wanted when we wanted & our baby wasn't something to be passed around equally.

We had a better relationship with my parents & that was the top & bottom of it.

@theriverrunsthrough

OP, I think this has been a since time began issue. For the majority ( I know there will be the exceptions) women tend to be closers to their maternal side because of a different maternal bond/being the one that arranges meet ups.

I have three girls, who I am incredibly close to so I know I lucked out but I am quite aware that if I had a son I would probably see less of him and his kids.

I would put the blame/responsibilty firmly back in to your partners court. If his mother want to see them more - he arranges it with her.

Agreed. I think it is and I guess that’s what I was looking for assurance on as to whether in general it’s the ‘norm’ I think for many on here it probably is.

@diddl

When we used to stay over at weekends we stayed with my parents.

They could fit us in more easily & we both found it more relaxing there.

Tbh we weren't going to stay one night with my parents & one at ILs to "be fair".

We were there to see who we wanted when we wanted & our baby wasn't something to be passed around equally.

We had a better relationship with my parents & that was the top & bottom of it.

Again quite similar to our situation. Glad to see I’m not the only one with the same sort of views. I don’t know why I need to share my son out equally to my detriment so that everyone is happy.

I mean it can also be circumstances-I didn't work when the kids were little so I had all week when my husband was at work to see my parents & admittedly he didn't have that luxury.

That said, I did offer to see them once a week, but they weren't interested in seeing me & the kids without my husband as well so you reap what you sow!

We never got on really well, but I didn't think that things were so awful that it was wort not seeing your GC for!

And of course if we'd seen more of each other we might have got to a point where we did get on better!

Some people just aren't interested enough whatever noises they might make to anyone who will listen!

i'm rather astounded by the responses that suggest you pretzel yourself in order to please MIL, who isn't willing to make the slightest effort into seeing her grandson.

You arranged for a second hand cot and highchair. Denied, were told they would buy their own. They haven't.

MIL flat out refuses to take a bus.

The only thing MIL is willing to do is take. As long as you and your DH make all the effort, she's happy.

That's simply not how relationships work. At least, not healthy ones.

Personally, I'd drop the rope. If MIL wants to see her grandson, she can make the effort. If your DH wants to visit his parents, he can make the arrangements. I'd leave them to it.

@ChubbyMorticia thank you, me too!

Ive left it at that for now, we will of course go and see them when we can and continue to invite them out with us but in order for MIL to see my son more she is going to have to step up a little - ie take a bus… as everyone above has mentioned ‘it’s only a 10 minute journey’

OP, these things are so tricky but as a mum of a son myself I advise you to give some thought to how you might feel if one day you're the MIL to your son's wife / partner. Yes, daughters do tend to lean more on their mums when they become mums themselves and especially for intimate or emotional advice but your son is as much the grandson or your MIL (and FIL) as he is of your mum (and dad) and you and your husband's efforts should be as equal and fair as you can manage to them all, assuming they are make time for you all too. 5 mins away vs 10-15 mins away is not really much difference even for a busy person. It's not the hundreds of miles that sometimes separate one set of grandparents from another.
Good luck with it all.

@NoFitStateMum as a mum of a daughter and son I think OPs last post is fine.

If my DD or DS have DCs and I can't be bothered to go on a 10 min bus journey to see them and I have the cheek to complain about them not running about for me, I would expect them not to bother with me. Seriously, the MIL needs to grow up!!

Yes Enough and as the daughter in law of a fabulous woman - who only had sons - I know for a fact that a mil can have a wonderful relationship with her dils and her grandchildren.

It will help if like my mil you respect the relationship your dil has with her mum, you like your dil and look for reasons to like them (my mil has 5 very different dils but she never differentiates between them - well I do think I'm her favourite :) ) , you don't see grandchildren as a prize to be shared out but a wonderful opportunity for love and you are a fairly decent person who isn't extremely insecure.

As a mum of a son, I'm going to take my lead from wonderful mil.

I had two mums to help with my babies. I will always count my MIL as my mum.

Luckily both my mums got on and loved my babies. They were the only ones I'd leave my children with as they loved them as I did.

Reading on here it doesn't seem the norm and it's so sad. I now have a new MIL who I love too, she's come into my life some 30 years later and is so positive.

I struggle with MIL threads. I can't work out if I've just been very blessed or if I'm quite determined and they have fallen in with my stride.

I don't change my opinions easily but I am very much of the camp of 'live and let live'. So unless something would cause direct bodily harm to my child I'd let it go, whilst still doing what I wanted.

My MIL shocked me a little by giving my son chocolate at 4 months. It was just the once and in those days we weaned at four months.
I remember wanting to say something but then noticing the absolute adoration on her face and the joy on my son's face and thinking, I'm letting this one go.

The bonds they make are so very important as support for your child growing up and them forming important relationships later. I can't stress this enough.

I think that there are potentially so many things which can have an impact here.

As much as there are MIL who are difficult, there are undoubtedly DIL who are difficult, and in truth when a man gets married there is almost an expectation that A, the MIL will be an interfering old bat, and B, the DIL will do all she can to steel the man away from his mother. That’s obviously not true, but it does lead to people thinking in a certain way from the outset.

My mum has a friend who when her DC were younger refused to allow anyone but her mum to babysit. She never allowed her children round to her MIL’s, and believed that they were her children, and it was absolutely her decision how she brought them up, her DH didn’t get a say.

When they grew up her DD stayed close to her mum. Her mum made consistent demands of her i.e. they all needed to stay at her’s on Christmas Eve because she wanted to see them open their presents. she insisted she do all the childcare, and her DD was round there constantly. It ultimately led to the DD’s dh leaving, because his mil was the overbearing one.

In terms of her DS, he married and his wife essentially put her foot down, and while they do have a relationship with her, she very much refuses to go there at Christmas as she wants her children at home. They don’t rely on them for babysitting, she lives closer to her mum so it stands to reason her parents are the ones doing most of the childcare. And this friend of my mum resents it bitterly and insists she’s the DIL from hell. But IMO she didn’t think that when her DC were younger, and now she’s seeing her behaviour from the other side.

The norm varies hugely depending on all sorts of factors IME, the main one being distance. My PiL are 3 hours away so we see them maybe every couple of months. We try to Skype them every week or so, and I WhatsApp photos often. We do see my parents a bit more often (once or twice a month) as they're just over an hour away - but it's for less time each time. We've never stayed over at my parents, or had them stay over at ours, so their visits are maybe for half a day, whereas every time we see my PiLs it's for two or three days at least. So in our case it pretty much evens out.

I think if you're regularly inviting them on trips/ to the house/ going over to theirs, which it sounds like you are, that your PiLs don't have a lot to complain about. (Unless your MiL wants the NI credits for doing childcare - not my family but I know a family where who got those became a proper bone of contention between the grandmothers!)

That said, is there a reason why you wouldn't want your MiL doing a regular childcare stint? If she wants to, and you don't have any objection, maybe you could ask her to do one afternoon a week (I'm assuming you work five afternoons a week here). That way she gets to see your DS regularly, while your mum still provides the bulk of the childcare. You don't have to though, it's up to you what you're happy with.

I've read your updates (sorry, should have done that before posting) and can see there's practical issues with your MiL doing childcare. In which case, I think it sounds like you're doing as much as is reasonable to be honest.