Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

[Moonstonemummy]

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

Sounds like MIL wants a pity party and throw blame around rather than do anything to actually see more of her grandchild hence not speaking to you or your DP about it.

I'm just imagining the OP.

"AIBU? My DH keeps inviting MIL round, and I'm sick of it. Every time he comes off his weekly phone call with her, I discover that he's invited her again"

FFS I hate this whole fencing off of families, depending who they're related to. It's ridiculous to think that over decades of marriage/partnership, only the people related by blood should communicate with each other.

The child has two sets of grandparents. As far as the child is concerned they're equal. S/he has genes from both sides, and both sets are equally related and invested in their DGCs.
Their parents should be able to get along with and communicate with both sets (all things being equal). It's the adult way to live.

Meh, it's your partner's job to facilitate contact between DC And MIL. You're taking care of the contact with your mum, so he should do the same for his mum. I hate this idea that it's the DIL's job to organise contact with MIL, it's just another job we get lumped with. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

Exactly.

No decent parent would choose to put their kids in such a difficult situation or listening to them bitching about a siblings behaviour towards them. That's what her friends are for, not her kids. She smacks of attention seeking, not hurting in the real sense

OR the DP could constantly invite his mum around and OP could be around sometimes or off out with friends at others leaving her DP to host MIL.

Of course DP would be jointly agreeing his mum visiting with OP and ensuring they have family time.

OP hasn’t banned her IL’s they don’t want to come to her house. They don’t want a second hand cot or high chair in their own house to ensure baby has some basics.

They just sound like they’re complaining.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be the gatekeeper of my DC, they’re as much DH’s babies as they are mine. And past the EBF stage he could arrange whatever he wants with them, just let me know what his plans are as I do with him.

The MIL just sounds like she wants to create a lot of drama. She doesn’t have a close relationship with her son to begin with and seems disinterested as she can’t taxi or take a bus to OP’s house. There’s not much OP can do, she shouldn’t be running around with her baby to their house. She has a job and a child that’s more than enough to be getting on with.

She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

OR she is trying to rope Bil/Sil in as flying monkeys to do her dirty work and guilt trip OP and DH so she can get what she wants.
Roping them in also helps add to the dramzzzz.

And the first part of her plan is working because OP knows she bitched and moaned spoke to the Bil /Sil ...

With this sort of thing I like to go for a distract and confuse method.
So I'd have been telling bil and sil you are SO surprised and think theremust crossed wires as you offer unfettered access and if anything you thought mil wasn't particularly interested as sheaves minimal effort?!?! Are they sure they understood properly? Then change the subject.

@Totalwasteofpaper

She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

OR she is trying to rope Bil/Sil in as flying monkeys to do her dirty work and guilt trip OP and DH so she can get what she wants.
Roping them in also helps add to the dramzzzz.

And the first part of her plan is working because OP knows she bitched and moaned spoke to the Bil /Sil ...

With this sort of thing I like to go for a distract and confuse method.
So I'd have been telling bil and sil you are SO surprised and think theremust crossed wires as you offer unfettered access and if anything you thought mil wasn't particularly interested as sheaves minimal effort?!?! Are they sure they understood properly? Then change the subject.

This! She loves the drama, god forbid me or my partner are upset at how we’ve been treated by them in the past..: but she is of course allowed to be upset…

@Kite22

You really haven't helped yourself with your title question and your opening post.

From them, I agree with the first poster who responded.

Thing being of course, you've dripped more and more little bits in to make yourself look less bad as you've gone through the thread. With all the extra information, your MiL isn't helping herself, no, but, of course there should be a starting point of all Grandparents having an equal relationship with their Grandchildren.

For full disclosure, I have 3 adult dc and no dgc yet, but I have both sexes of dc and I currently get on very well with all their partners. If and when the time comes then yes, I would naturally assume my DiL would go to her own Mum more readily for advice and even a moan, but I would expect similar amount of opportunities to see any future dgc. I would, of course expect my ds to facilitate that.

Anything else about my original post you would like to critique?!

‘Dripped more in’ not sure what you’re expecting me to write - I could write pages upon pages of how we’ve been ill treated and my partner been messed about by his own mother over the years but it was a quick summary.. I do apologise. Feel free to Pm me for the back story next time!

I feel sorry for your DILs if you expect everything to be 100% equal! You’re living in a dream land clearly..please come back and update me when you have grandchildren, lol

@mumtoallbhoys

If someone asked me to meet them at soft play (when I didn't have age appropriate kids) I would assume they didn't like me/ want to talk to me.

If someone asked me for dinner or a picnic that would seem like they wanted to see me.

I think people can say it is DH's responsibility... and it is but really, do you want it awkward at every birthday party or christening? Surely there are some things in life that are just worth a little effort? Really 10 mins drive is nothing, you could easily drop in one morning every two weeks if you don't want to share your weekends.

Honestly why do people have to pick at everything in the post - of course they’ve been invited to other places (actually picnics in the summer!) it was just an example!

We are trying to make sure our child (who’s experienced lockdown with not much socialising with younger children) gets to see other children his own age whilst grandparents also get a look in. I work, so I have to dedicate some time at the weekend to housework etc so inviting them to softplay ensures my son gets some time out and see his grandparents. Calm down!

Ive actually never expected DH to do anything, I have MILs number, we text regularly.
I start work at 12, my son has a nap at 10am, really?! If they can’t be bothered to provide somewhere for my son to sleep what should I do, so I can facilitate them seeing him?!

@RockinHorseShit MIL is attention seeking! I can not agree more with everything in your post!

@Levithian umm ok, how is my son going to sleep and eat when he’s there say for a day?! Get a grip!
Also read my post! They’ve been offered second hand things (which I’ve sourced myself) but FIL snubbed it and left us to dispose of the things!
They DONT want to buy/borrow a cot or a highchair, I think it’s clear who the difficult ones in this family are!

Hahaaa how can you say I will ‘discount the advice like I do any other advice that is given to me’ - you haven’t read the replies clearly as you would see I had sourced them a cot and a highchair - you only read what you’ve sent to read!

I’m getting a sense you may be a bitter MIL!

**want to read

@ChubbyMorticia

I'm always puzzled why it's on the DIL to maintain extended family relationships for everyone.

Exactly that!

@saraclara

She's talking to her other son because she's hurting and doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

Exactly.

I have daughters so no skin in this game. But all the same I'm horrified how on mumsnet, the MIL is expected to take second place, not just by a bit, but by mile. 'How dare they expect to see their grandchild, they don't have rights'. 'It's up to their son to sort out seeing their DGC' (I don't get this -of the DIL is primary carer or a sahm, she's very much the gate keeper, and the son does not have access to her calendar or the right to announce that he's arranged a date or time with his mum that she will see the DGC, either.

Seriously, it seems that so many posters on here set their MILs up to fail, virtually from the day the DGC is born. And yet many of you will have sons and end up being back of the queue when you're a MIL too.

I think that’s an unfair assumption to make.

If I posted the backstory and our history maybe people would have a better understanding of our relationship with the in-laws but my post would have been pages long.

My mum has no issues with my brothers partner (they live 3 hour car journey away) and my parents make an effort to go and see my brother and the kids as much as possible. They have the things needed at their house for when the children stay over and they will accommodate whatever is needed to make sure they see their grandkids.

My partners parents however Seem to have an issue with providing the most basic of things to enable them to have my son for a days childcare (which they moan they don’t get).

You get back what you put in… this applies here.

Sorry but it's only natural that you'll call on your mum first as opposed to your MIL. I always say that the experience of having a daughter who has a child and a son that has a child is completely different. My MIL was the same and expected to have the baby stay over at her house without me which I wasn't comfortable with. She just expected so much because it was her child that had a child. I had to keep reminding her that I wasn't her daughter and I had my own mum.

I do agree with the first comment on your post tho but I don't think that's anything personal to you. I just think when your son has a child it's so different to when your daughter has a child and your naturally less involved

Mil likes the attention from being the ‘hurt’ party without actually having to do anything. People sort out stuff they want to happen so if she really wants time with her gc, she would get the high chair etc. She would get the bus or taxi. What she wants is op to take child to her so she can coo, take photos for social media, hand back for any actual work, maybe a quick walk to park (with op to take obligatory photos of mil pushing dc on swing etc) then home for a brew whilst ip drives home hoping dc doesn’t nap as he will be a nightmare to get to sleep. Op isn’t joining in so it is of course all her fault. I get what mil wants, and nothing wrong with it but most people have limited time for such visits. I would also bat it back, and tell dh siblings you’ve offered and offered but mil not engaging. Drop it in ALL invites in conversation, pref in front on mil , with sad smile in face

I could have written your post. My mum also helps with childcare (retired) but MIL is still working so can't (not sure if she'd want to even if she could!). There's an awful bitterness that our children are closer to my mum, to the point that whenever we are doing something all together (special occasions), MIL just sits in the corner with a face like a slapped arse and refuses to talk to anyone.

I've left it to DH to sort out (which means it has not been sorted). MIL would like to have an evening every week where she does dinner bath and bed for both kids (without us). I've said that doesn't work for me as evenings are the only time during the week I see the kids. No advice really, just solidarity.

Redirecting all pass/agg comments from MIL to my DH did me the world of good, I highly recommend it. “Hi, MIL, I’m just busy with the baby right now, I’ll get DH to give you a call.” Always friendly but passing contact over to her son.

Then he can arrange to see them, offer invitations, facilitate seeing grandchildren etc etc.

If they don’t make any effort and expect you to do the running, that’s their loss.

This is the sort of reassurance I was looking for ^^
I don’t expect for my MIL never to see my son, I guess just more of an understanding from her that I will always lean on my mum more because generally that’s the norm.

My post has been taken way out of context and think I’ve ruffled a lot of feathers as people have come to the assumption that I don’t like MIL.

My relationship (and my partners) with them hasn’t been easy but we do try, we do feel they could make more effort (for eg. coming to see us in our house rather than expecting we see them - especially given they don’t wish to have a highchair/cot/whatever else is needed at theirs).

I fully understand that when/if my son has children I may not see them - I would hope though that if I made enough effort (having equipment at my house)/driving to see my grandchildren or doing whatever it would take to see them that I would get to see them, but I would also respect that their mother will probably not be as close to me as she is to her own mum.

She’s only 10-15 mins away. Why can’t you or your DP drive DS to her for childcare? It makes sense immediately after childbirth to prioritise mum but when you’re at work and live so close to both sets of gp you do need to be more equal about childcare. You should think of it from your mum’s perspective too - it’s not fair on her that she’s your only go to for childcare & is expected not to have a life because you can’t be arsed to drive 10 mins down the road to your mil.

Yanbu it’s up to your DH to facilitate that relationship.
Women generally are left to do the bulk of childcare so naturally when you need someone to take care of your DC, you’re more inclined to leave the baby with your DM because you’re closer to your mother than your MIL. Why should it fall on your shoulders to facilitate a relationship with your MIL?

@Moonstonemummy

This is the sort of reassurance I was looking for ^^ I don’t expect for my MIL never to see my son, I guess just more of an understanding from her that I will always lean on my mum more because generally that’s the norm.

My post has been taken way out of context and think I’ve ruffled a lot of feathers as people have come to the assumption that I don’t like MIL.

My relationship (and my partners) with them hasn’t been easy but we do try, we do feel they could make more effort (for eg. coming to see us in our house rather than expecting we see them - especially given they don’t wish to have a highchair/cot/whatever else is needed at theirs).

I fully understand that when/if my son has children I may not see them - I would hope though that if I made enough effort (having equipment at my house)/driving to see my grandchildren or doing whatever it would take to see them that I would get to see them, but I would also respect that their mother will probably not be as close to me as she is to her own mum.

A boy whose mum models inequality like this will foster it as he gets older, so you definitely won’t be seeing more of your gc than your in laws do if you keep this going.

@Lollypop701

Mil likes the attention from being the ‘hurt’ party without actually having to do anything. People sort out stuff they want to happen so if she really wants time with her gc, she would get the high chair etc. She would get the bus or taxi. What she wants is op to take child to her so she can coo, take photos for social media, hand back for any actual work, maybe a quick walk to park (with op to take obligatory photos of mil pushing dc on swing etc) then home for a brew whilst ip drives home hoping dc doesn’t nap as he will be a nightmare to get to sleep. Op isn’t joining in so it is of course all her fault. I get what mil wants, and nothing wrong with it but most people have limited time for such visits. I would also bat it back, and tell dh siblings you’ve offered and offered but mil not engaging. Drop it in ALL invites in conversation, pref in front on mil , with sad smile in face

Oh my! Exactly this!

If MIL really wanted to see our son, she would get the bus/taxi etc…

I don’t understand those that have posted how they are disgusted that I should expect my MIL to have a highchair at her house - like wtf?!
Very one sided… why shouldn’t she have one!
Getting the bus.. oh no poor MIl, I should drive to her house…

Who’s making all the effort here?!!!… come on!

@Ozanj DP does not drive due to health reasons… plus he works - starts at 7am… MIL wouldn’t like me dropping him off before 10am - I start work at 12..:

@Ozanj are you a MIl? You’re getting very touchy!