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Original poster

Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

170 replies

Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:00

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2021 15:26

This isn't your issue to "tackle", it's your husband's. It's his job to deal with his mother, not yours.

headintheproverbial · 02/12/2021 15:27

I mean I think it's pretty normal to see your own mum more...

But as others have said I wonder how you'll feel about this when your son's partner (assuming he's straight) does the same.

BookFiend4Life · 02/12/2021 15:27

How often do you see her? Could she watch your child one day a week at your house? 10-15 minutes away isn't very far for a quick visit one morning each week? Things don't need to be equal but it might be nice if you saw her a little more frequently than just special events considering your mom sees DC everyday.

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Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:28

@frazzledasarock

Oh come on. If the mother in law doesn’t drive and not had a very close relationship with her son to begin with. Why would the IL’s suddenly see more of their grandchild when they have one?

I’ve noticed this in general, a lot of men have a very casual relationship with their parents seeing them about twice a year. Neither parents nor son making much effort to actively see one another. Then when that continues and grandchildren arrive it’s the DIL’s fault. Why?

I used to make a lot of effort and invite MIL over. Then SIL got jealous, and MIL was rude when I invited her over. So I’ve not invited her over at all, it’s down to DH. And he never once invites her to ours, so MIL asks and I always say yes. But it’s not something DH even thinks about as he never had a close calling his mum seeing her regularly throughout the year kind of relationship.

I’m very fond of MIL, and love having her in our lives. But maintaining a relationship is all DH’s responsibility.

Exactly! I didn’t want to post too much back story but another thing to add is that MIL has been told by my partner that they are welcome to come and see our son in the week (when partner is working) perhaps they could take him for a walk etc etc… her response is ‘oh you know I don’t like taking the bus…’ why should I have to make the effort to cart my son off to their house because MIL is too posh for a bus… sorry but no!

They do have and are given opportunity’s to see my son but always seem to want us to come to them..: I could give more examples to maybe please others on this forum as to why/how they make my life particularly difficult but I won’t…

OP posts:
Cyw2018 · 02/12/2021 15:29

No back story is necessary, they could be the loveliest people in the world, it would still be you partners responsibility to facilitate this relationship and make arrangements for visit, even when they involve you.

Please tell me you haven't bought you ILs Christmas present and cards on your partner's behalf!! That is also your partner's responsibility.

Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:29

@Classicblunder

If you only live 10 mins drive from MIL, could she not just take a taxi to you?

Otherwise, would be tempted to book a weekend away with friends and get your dH to take your DS to his parents for that weekend...

She does not drive.. we’ve offered her to come to us but she doesn’t like busses!
OP posts:
Pallisers · 02/12/2021 15:30

But I do think it's a bit odd that you don't seem to be interested in seeing her at all (unless there's some huge backstory about her being a bitch).

I don't think this is what the OP said. She said they invite them out for softplay and at weekends but just not every weekend because they want some time by themselves.

SirChenjins · 02/12/2021 15:32

Have you or your DP (preferably your DP) actually asked her what she would like? Sometimes it helps to have an honest conversation and say that you know she’s been speaking to the brother and that she wants to see your DS more often, and what does she see that looking like - bearing in mind that you both work and she doesn’t drive?

Classicblunder · 02/12/2021 15:32

I asked why she can't take a taxi rather than the bus?

SirChenjins · 02/12/2021 15:33

Oh - and please don’t invite her to the hell that is soft play! Unless she’s specifically said she loves it, of course.

Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:33

@Pallisers

But I do think it's a bit odd that you don't seem to be interested in seeing her at all (unless there's some huge backstory about her being a bitch).

I don't think this is what the OP said. She said they invite them out for softplay and at weekends but just not every weekend because they want some time by themselves.

This! They are invited to do things with us! More than my mum ever does - she just looks after my son which she loves doing of course.

I don’t get why any grandparent should feel they have a right to provide childcare for their grandchildren. It’s great if they can but logistically it’s not that straightforward for us

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:34

@Classicblunder

I asked why she can't take a taxi rather than the bus?
Hahaaa! Sorry my MIL won’t pay for a taxi… that’s a whole other story I’m not getting into! Money is not an issue for them but she doesn’t like to spend a penny or make any effort to see us: we should go to them!
OP posts:
Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 15:35

@SirChenjins

Have you or your DP (preferably your DP) actually asked her what she would like? Sometimes it helps to have an honest conversation and say that you know she’s been speaking to the brother and that she wants to see your DS more often, and what does she see that looking like - bearing in mind that you both work and she doesn’t drive?
Yes abs when asked her response was ‘well I don’t really know…’ helpful and Cryptic…
OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 02/12/2021 15:37

If your mum is helping with childcare could you ask in-laws to babysit occasionally to give you and your partner time together? I presume you wouldn’t ask your mum to do that as well as regular childcare. Also can’t your partner maybe take your wee one to see his parents himself sometimes, gives you a little time to yourself, and much easier to control the time that way, ie your partner has a good reason to head home “got to head home now mum and dad moon will have lunch ready/ need to go shopping/ some excuse” Then the rest of the weekend is yours. By the way not all grandparents are being unreasonable trying to organise a weekend get together, I’m a doting grandma but I’m only in my fifties so I’m still working full time in the week. My son’s partner’s mum doesn’t work and so can help out in the week I can’t do that, I’m very lucky to have a great relationship with my “DIL” and she actively wants to come and spend time with us and we help out a lot at weekends.

PeachesPumpkin · 02/12/2021 15:38

I can definitely see it from your MIL side. It’s good that she is talking to you about it. Try and keep the amount of time you spend with both grandmas equal. It’s only fair.

cptartapp · 02/12/2021 15:39

What on earth did you ask your PIL to 'provide?'
Your DM sounds like she sacrifices a lot for you. What if she wanted to go out for the day, meet friends, holidays, yet is tied to childcare every afternoon with her house full of baby stuff. That's a big ask.
Maybe MIL just wants to see baby more without being used as a childminder. Agree with pp though, your DH can facilitate that as often as he wants.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/12/2021 15:40

I don't see why YOU have to tackle it at all. If your MIL wants to see her grandson more it's down her son to arrange that. Why would you do it? Of course you'll make the effort to see your own parents, if DH chooses not to make the same effort with HIS parents then that's on him

This with bells on, if you're arguing with your dh, simply say you have no issue with his mother seeing your son more often, so if he wants to arrange this you'll support him.

Then leave him to it. If it turns out he's arranged for her to look after your ds during your work hours, that's great, I start work at x time, if they can collect ds before then, I'll make sure he's ready.

cptartapp · 02/12/2021 15:40

How much was the cot they bought you?

Outlyingtrout · 02/12/2021 15:41

Sounds like my in-laws. In the decade before we had any kids they were never invested in a close relationship with DH (or me, but whatever. It’s the relationship between them and their son that primarily influences everything else and it’s not my job to drive their relationship with their own son). We barely saw each other. No phone calls or texts. It wasn’t toxic or anything but DH and his parents were just disengaged from each other. Then when we had kids they were suddenly jealous that my mum was more involved. My mum with whom I had remained in close contact throughout my life, pre-DC. And they apparently couldn’t figure out why, not having fostered the same type of relationship with their son that I had with my mother, that difference would simply continue once the DC arrived.

You’ve obviously triggered some MILs here who believe that DIL’s are somehow responsible for maintaining the relationship between parents and sons. As far as my MIL goes, she’s not actually that bothered about seeing the kids more than she does. She seems to just want my mum to back off to even it up 🤷‍♀️

Enough4me · 02/12/2021 15:49

@PeachesPumpkin you are absolutely right, it should be fair. OP is clearly facilitating access for her mum, her DH needs to step up to the mark and do the same for his mum.

OP - don't argue with anyone, make it very clear that you are 100% happy for him to make arrangements with his mum as you do for your mum. All fair!

SirChenjins · 02/12/2021 16:01

Yes abs when asked her response was ‘well I don’t really know…’ helpful and Cryptic…

In which case your joint reply via your DP should be along the lines of ‘well, have a think about it and let us know - and in the meantime please don’t complain to DBro that you’re not seeing DS, it’s not fair of you to do that’

Mischievous12 · 02/12/2021 16:10

Also popping in to say it's up to DH and his mum to sort it out.
I'm a MIL. I work on maintaining good relationships with my son, and we're close. DIL is lovely and we get on well but she has a much closer relationship with her own mum.
I think that's very normal.

Pallisers · 02/12/2021 16:13

@PeachesPumpkin

I can definitely see it from your MIL side. It’s good that she is talking to you about it. Try and keep the amount of time you spend with both grandmas equal. It’s only fair.
She's not talking to the OP about it. She is complaining to her other son (bil to OP) and he is passing it on.

If her mother is minding the baby 4 afternoons a week so OP can work how do you propose the OP gives equal time to MIL? 4 mornings a week? poor baba will never see the inside of his own house but as long as things are even for the grannies.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/12/2021 16:17

I wouldn’t do anything, she’s being ridiculous.

My PIL see DD far more than my parents do, they provide childcare once a week and live much nearer so we see them some weekends. Not everything can be equal all the time, and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to make it that way.

Original poster
Moonstonemummy · 02/12/2021 16:58

@cptartapp

What on earth did you ask your PIL to 'provide?' Your DM sounds like she sacrifices a lot for you. What if she wanted to go out for the day, meet friends, holidays, yet is tied to childcare every afternoon with her house full of baby stuff. That's a big ask. Maybe MIL just wants to see baby more without being used as a childminder. Agree with pp though, your DH can facilitate that as often as he wants.
We said if they wanted to look after him then he would need to have naps (not unreasonable given his age) - we’ve suggested asking relatives for a travel cot/looking on free sites etc but they have done neither. I got them a second hand highchair (for free) but FIL snubbed it when my partner showed it to him and said that they would buy one themselves… nearly a year on and no highchair. Hence I am no longer going to spend my time trying to source second hand things that are ‘not good enough’ for them…

A house full of baby stuff - sorry but a cot and a highchair! Lol she loves seeing and spending time with my son so it’s not really a sacrifice!

OP posts:
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