Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

[Moonstonemummy]

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go

Why ON EARTH would you imagine that grandparents would want to go to soft play?

I was with you until this

They also do not have a cot, highchair or anything (other than toys from when my partner was a baby) for my son, when asked if they could provide these things they were insulted that we would ask for such a thing

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken my first post didn’t explain it all - but then why should I have to write an essay! I asked for opinions about childcare not if you thought I was right to expect them to have something at their house for my son!

What would you suggest I do if they won’t come to our house but expect to have my son for 8 hours a day? Should my 1 year old sleep on their floor/sofa?! Lol

They’ve been offered these things (I even sourced them a second hand highchair) and it was snubbed by FIL stating they would buy a new one… - year on… nothing..

*Always friendly but passing contact over to her son.

Then he can arrange to see them, offer invitations, facilitate seeing grandchildren etc etc.

If they don’t make any effort and expect you to do the running, that’s their loss.*

This is it really. I'm not sure why it's always on DIL to sort something out when it's their son that's actually had a child. I have no contact with my MIL because I really don't care😂 she always has things to say about me and will always talk about me indirectly when talking to DP. If DP doesn't arrange for her to see our DD then she never does.

I don't think asking for MIL to put in the effort or saying she should have the basics like a high chair at her house is asking for the world tbh. Some people here clearly worship their MIL or are perhaps the MIL in these situations

[quote Moonstonemummy]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken my first post didn’t explain it all - but then why should I have to write an essay! I asked for opinions about childcare not if you thought I was right to expect them to have something at their house for my son!

What would you suggest I do if they won’t come to our house but expect to have my son for 8 hours a day? Should my 1 year old sleep on their floor/sofa?! Lol

They’ve been offered these things (I even sourced them a second hand highchair) and it was snubbed by FIL stating they would buy a new one… - year on… nothing..[/quote]
It comes across as demanding and entitled. Especially when we don’t have the other side of the story.

@Moonstonemummy

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

The thing is I think you did yourself a disservice by stating that most women ‘go to their mums’. I think in actual fact most women go to whoever is the most supportive/understanding/helpful, which it sounds is exactly what you’ve done.

If the situation was reversed and your MIL was actually really helpful and your own parents were useless, you’d go to your MIL .

It’s not about anything other than the fact that MIL makes it hard for you to see her with a small child. It’s got nothing to do with the fact she is your MIL not your mum.

Explain this to your DH and let him have that conversation with his mum.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken how exactly?!

You still didn’t answer my question, would you like to suggest what my 1 year old can do for naps then? Given they don’t want second hand and won’t buy…?!

Would love to know what you think…

@Lollypop701

Mil likes the attention from being the ‘hurt’ party without actually having to do anything. People sort out stuff they want to happen so if she really wants time with her gc, she would get the high chair etc. She would get the bus or taxi. What she wants is op to take child to her so she can coo, take photos for social media, hand back for any actual work, maybe a quick walk to park (with op to take obligatory photos of mil pushing dc on swing etc) then home for a brew whilst ip drives home hoping dc doesn’t nap as he will be a nightmare to get to sleep. Op isn’t joining in so it is of course all her fault. I get what mil wants, and nothing wrong with it but most people have limited time for such visits. I would also bat it back, and tell dh siblings you’ve offered and offered but mil not engaging. Drop it in ALL invites in conversation, pref in front on mil , with sad smile in face

Oh god, so much as resonated in this thread about how things are for us with my mum and ILs and this is exactly it.

DM does childcare for us so of course she sees DC more than ILs who 'just' visit. From newborn days my mum turned up to our house with a hug and a mop - she knew what we needed and cared for us. ILs turned up with a camera and a tripod 🤦‍♀️ only interested in what they had to get out of it.

Absolutely leave it to DH to facilitate GP contact with DC - while he is around and able why would you take that mental load on?!

It's not about sons v daughters & there should not be an 'expectation of equality' between GPs. The default expectation is that you get out what you put in to relationships with your children and that carries over to when they have children of their own - if you don't have the relationship you want with your son/daughter it's up to you, as their parent, to be the grown up and make the changes needed. In the meantime people are always going to choose to spend more time with the people they get on with and if that's not you then it's your problem, not your DILs.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I guess you’ll answer that I should go and buy these things…
When I decided to have a child I didn’t take into account I should need to buy 3 x highchair sand 3 x cots so that I wouldn’t appear ‘demanding’ to people like you…

Still waiting for your suggestion though

@CorpusCallosum exactly what you have said!

My mum provided cooked meals, cleaned the house (without being asked). MIL invited her sister and her 2 nieces over with her when my boy was 2 days old and I was recovering for a cesarian…

I guess though to some I will still appear demanding…

[quote Moonstonemummy]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken how exactly?!

You still didn’t answer my question, would you like to suggest what my 1 year old can do for naps then? Given they don’t want second hand and won’t buy…?!

Would love to know what you think…[/quote]
You told them they needed to buy this stuff. That’s demanding and entitled.

I would buy a travel cot if I wanted my baby to sleep somewhere other than home. I wouldn’t expect someone who is providing childcare for me to also buy a shit ton of baby equipment.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken exactly the answer I expected from you!

Thanks for proving me right :)

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken also to add I don’t ‘expect’ childcare from them…

They EXPECT to provide childcare with nothing suitable for my son…

They are the ones getting upset that they DONT get to look after him… so yes as they are asking I think it’s completely ok to suggest what would be needed.

Ive said and I’ll repeat again they were given items that were needed but told us they would buy new.. a year down the line they havent done this.

Oh I take it back, you seem completely reasonable and calm.

[quote Moonstonemummy]@Ozanj DP does not drive due to health reasons… plus he works - starts at 7am… MIL wouldn’t like me dropping him off before 10am - I start work at 12..:[/quote]
Not sure why you can’t drop her off then. She’s only 10 mins away!

Honestly all I’m hearing are excuses.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken As do you! Reading one post and making judgements!

If you don’t have any suggestions/advice go and find a post where you can be a little less judgmental :)

Have a lovely afternoon :)

[quote Moonstonemummy]@Ozanj are you a MIl? You’re getting very touchy![/quote]
No but I am the mother of a son and posts like yours really upset me. It seems your poor mil can’t do anything right to encourage you to drive the 10mins down the road it would take to ensure your dc has a good relationship with her. It’s all about you, you, you. You aren’t even thinking of your Mum who by virtue of living 5mins away has now become your Plans A, B and C for childcare.

@Ozanj my partner not driving due to ill health isn’t an excuse!

What are your views on MIL not ‘liking the busses’ I guess that’s ok isn’t it? Or is that a good enough excuse for making me do all the leg work?!

[quote Moonstonemummy]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken As do you! Reading one post and making judgements!

If you don’t have any suggestions/advice go and find a post where you can be a little less judgmental :)

Have a lovely afternoon :)[/quote]
Buy a travel cot and take it with the baby.

• Reading one post and making judgements!

As I stated, I was with you at first. The more I read, the more difficult you came across and I started to see that there may well be a very different argument to this situation.

Don’t post on mumsnet if you don’t want people to disagree with you or make judgments on your posts.

You’re becoming increasingly aggressive now.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first, my FIL informed me that it was very important that MIL & I got along.

I should have asked him why it hadn't been important up until then...

@Ozanj wow! I knew by the replies.

I hope your sons future partners meet your high standards.

I haven’t posted the whole backstory out of RESPECT for my partner and his family, I do not want to go into the ins and outs of their relationship etc to please people like you.

You have your opinion of me and it seems nothing I post/or whatever I would have posted would have changed that opinion of me.

If MIL doesn't want baby at 10am and that’s when he naps. But also she doesn’t have anywhere for him to have his nap. OP would be racing to get him to MIL as soon as he wakes from his nap & get back before 12 to log on to work.

That would stress me out. I wouldn’t do it either.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken aggressive? Please read my last post where I wished you a good afternoon….

But OP offered the IL’s a cot and highchair. But the IL’s declined as they did not meet their standards.

MIL cannot take a bus or taxi to OP’s and doesn’t drive.

MIL cannot have the baby at 10am when he naps (but wouldn’t have anywhere for him to nap safely anyway).

It does sound like a bunch of excuses but not from OP.

I bet MIL would be really happy if OP’s mum decided she didn’t want to offer childcare.

I think MIL feels she’s being made to look bad so her nose is out of joint. Not because she wants to provide childcare.

@frazzledasarock finally! Thank you! Someone who thinks it’s not me who is being unreasonable!

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken and @Ozanj were starting to make me doubt myself..

Honestly how can o be the one being unreasonable when MIL has all the excuses under the sun, except of course if I drop him off on her terms, provide a brand new cot and highchair just to ensure MIL does not have to go out of her way on a bus…

All of this was never an issue before my son was born, they didn’t mind not making contact with my partner but now it’s all changed all because my mum might see my son more…