Having issues with MIL being jealous about my mum seeing my son!

[Moonstonemummy]

as the title says.. MIL is becoming jealous that my mum sees my little boy more than her. It’s getting to the point where she is calling my partners brother up (NOT me or my partner!) upset that she doesn’t get see too much of our son..

It’s getting me down to be honest, of course I lean on my mum more than I do MIL, for perspective my parents live 5 minutes from me and his are a 10-15 min drive (MIL does not drive but FIL does) I work afternoons and my mum will have him in the afternoon whilst I work (at home).

We’ve never had a very very close relationship with PIL - my family have always invited us over, cooked for us once a week (way before our son was born) but feel like MIL is causing tension between me and my partner.

Ive explained to my partner that having spoken to most of my friends, they too go to their mums (if they are in a position to) for support and for the bulk of the childcare.

Just wondering how often do people’s PIL see their children?

We try to invite the PIL out to places such as softplay when we go, if we’re not out at weekends then when my partner abs I are not working we do our best to see the PIL at the weekend but sometimes I just want to have a weekend in with my partner and our son.. it seems like MIL does not understand/remember what it was like to have a young child and try and balance life/housework/seeing friends/spending time as a family..

So just wondering what’s the norm for most people?!
How can I tackle this…

[quote Moonstonemummy]@Ozanj my partner not driving due to ill health isn’t an excuse!

What are your views on MIL not ‘liking the busses’ I guess that’s ok isn’t it? Or is that a good enough excuse for making me do all the leg work?![/quote]
Providing you free childcare is a benefit to you. Of course you need to do the legwork for it.

But ozanj OP doesn’t need or want free childcare that puts her out so much. And she’s definitely not asked for it.

@Moonstonemummy

Are you a MIL by any chance

You do realise that all MILs are also mothers? Your own mother is a MIL to your DH. Does she behave differently with him than she does with you?

I am a grandparent and am a mother and a MIL. I look after my grandchildren 1 day a week, their father’s parents, ie my DDs in laws, look after them 1 day a week and my DDs father - my ex - and his wife also look after them at least once a fortnight.
My dd does ask me for advice a lot, more so than her MIL, but only because she’s closer to me. They actually rely on all us parents a great deal, which none of us mind, and we all help out. That’s what families do. It’s not a competition.
OP, have you thought to ask if your MIL would like to have your child one afternoon a week whilst you’re working?

@Ozanj like I said, it wouldn’t matter what I said you will not be in agreement.

I haven’t asked her for ‘free’ childcare! She is the one getting upset that a once a week arrangement is not enough for her but can not understand/respect that I work so carting my son to her for 2 hours (taking out 20 mins for travel) is not really a help for me/neither would it benefit me.

Did you miss the bit where I said we see them at weekends?! Probably because you wanted to make me out to be the one to blame because my situation suits your cause.

My son is due to go to nursery in January for a few mornings a week so that should please your need to feel sorry for my mother too - thanks for you concerns though.

[quote Soontobe60]@Moonstonemummy

Are you a MIL by any chance

You do realise that all MILs are also mothers? Your own mother is a MIL to your DH. Does she behave differently with him than she does with you?

I am a grandparent and am a mother and a MIL. I look after my grandchildren 1 day a week, their father’s parents, ie my DDs in laws, look after them 1 day a week and my DDs father - my ex - and his wife also look after them at least once a fortnight.
My dd does ask me for advice a lot, more so than her MIL, but only because she’s closer to me. They actually rely on all us parents a great deal, which none of us mind, and we all help out. That’s what families do. It’s not a competition.
OP, have you thought to ask if your MIL would like to have your child one afternoon a week whilst you’re working?[/quote]
Exactly but Op just doesn’t get this.

@Ozanj "free" childcare is only free if it's convenient to you.

OP already has free and convenient childcare that works around her schedule, why would she give that up?

OP has asked them to buy stuff so DC can be properly cared for - they declined

OP bought stuff they could use - they didn't want it

DC naps at 10am and she logs on at 12, it's not convenient for OP to rush over between the nap and logging on

MIL won't get the bus to OP to collect DC

Seems to me like MIL doesn't actually want to do any of the childcare, just complain she doesn't get a chance to.

Yes I get it! My mum treats my partner like a son.

My MIL doesn’t even treat her own son (my partner and his siblings) in the same way but we still try and involve them.

As I’ve said previously I will not go into all the gory details about my partners family history and issues etc just to justify myself and even if I did some people on here would still think o am the one being awkward ..but despite that we do try our best to accommodate them seeing my son.

The issue is that whatever we offer will never be enough - unless we divide our childcare equally which logistically isn’t possible, plus I can not afford to pay for 3 x cots, 3 x buggy’s 3 x high chairs etc in order to keep everyone happy…

I can see the next suggestion will be that I should also pay for MILs bus fare over just to be ‘fair’ to MIL…

[quote Theflamingnerd]**@Ozanj "free" childcare is only free if it's convenient to you.

OP already has free and convenient childcare that works around her schedule, why would she give that up?

OP has asked them to buy stuff so DC can be properly cared for - they declined

OP bought stuff they could use - they didn't want it

DC naps at 10am and she logs on at 12, it's not convenient for OP to rush over between the nap and logging on

MIL won't get the bus to OP to collect DC

Seems to me like MIL doesn't actually want to do any of the childcare, just complain she doesn't get a chance to.[/quote]
@Ozanj all of the above.. maybe if it’s not me writing it you’ll see some rationale in this.. or maybe not..

@mumtoallbhoys

If someone asked me to meet them at soft play (when I didn't have age appropriate kids) I would assume they didn't like me/ want to talk to me.

If someone asked me for dinner or a picnic that would seem like they wanted to see me.

I think people can say it is DH's responsibility... and it is but really, do you want it awkward at every birthday party or christening? Surely there are some things in life that are just worth a little effort? Really 10 mins drive is nothing, you could easily drop in one morning every two weeks if you don't want to share your weekends.

I agree with all this.

Anything else about my original post you would like to critique?!
‘Dripped more in’ not sure what you’re expecting me to write - I could write pages upon pages of how we’ve been ill treated and my partner been messed about by his own mother over the years but it was a quick summary.. I do apologise. Feel free to Pm me for the back story next time!

You can be as sarky as you like, but obviously people can only reply to the information given. All the initial replies were obviously replying to the information you gave.

umm ok, how is my son going to sleep and eat when he’s there say for a day?! Get a grip! Travel cot ? I've missed how old you dc is, if you've said, but there are lots of options.

They DONT want to buy/borrow a cot or a highchair, I think it’s clear who the difficult ones in this family are!
Like most people, I've managed to raise my dc without either my parents or parents in law equipping their houses like a Nursery. It isn't 'being difficult', it is perfectly normal, and your expectations are the unusual thing here.

I feel sorry for your DILs if you expect everything to be 100% equal! You’re living in a dream land clearly..please come back and update me when you have grandchildren, lol

I don't have grandchildren yet, but obviously have been a parent and raised my dc with great relationships with both their sets of grandparents..... as has everyone I know.

I think that there's been some unfair replies here.

If you and your h were close to her before children then she might have a point but it seems that she wants time with your child on her terms ie you travel to her with travel cot and high chair and forget any past history you and you h have with her. Why would 2 adults go from distant to close just because one of them had children ?

In your shoes I'd ask your h what he thinks and follow his lead. This shouldn't be an extra mental burden that you should shoulder if your h can't be bothered to.

Shes sounds like a nightmare, can you start a family wattsap chat and ask her all the things she's been saying so everyone e can join in, you can mention if she is getting any closer to narrowing down the right cot and highchair yet,post her some links

I am a mum and a mother in law. My daughter in law is lovely and we have a good relationship. I can see my grand children whenever I like and I do frequently. I understand completely that if she has a problem or she wants to go shopping she will drop the kids off to her mum first. During lockdown she bubbled with her aunt who has no kids of her own and I was just greatful that the kids had someone else to play with apart from their mum and dad. My daughters rely on me more than their mother in laws but they see the grandkids regularly too. It doesn’t always have to be a fight just needs a bit of give and take on BOTH sides.

@stairgates fantastic idea! lol I wish I had the balls to do it but I genuinely don’t want to start any arguments (despite what some pps are making out I’m actually not too evil )

@luverlybubberly

I think that there's been some unfair replies here.

If you and your h were close to her before children then she might have a point but it seems that she wants time with your child on her terms ie you travel to her with travel cot and high chair and forget any past history you and you h have with her. Why would 2 adults go from distant to close just because one of them had children ?

In your shoes I'd ask your h what he thinks and follow his lead. This shouldn't be an extra mental burden that you should shoulder if your h can't be bothered to.

Me too! I understand everyone will have different opinions but it’s getting a little catty in here..

We’ve never been massively close with them and they’ve never been bothered by it before my son, it was how things were (no particular reason just how it had always been).

Ive asked partner and he agrees re the travel cot/highchair (we have offered 2nd hand) that if they insist that they want to do their fair share of childcare they will ultimately need these things. He’s made subtle hints to them (so we don’t upset them) and it seems to fall on deaf ears..

It sounds like your balance is just like the set up we have. My mum sees my dd more than my MIL. I will be working some afternoons soon and she'll be looking after her. So far this hasn't been an issue with MIL. We do include PIL as much as we can on weekends etc but just like you, my parents have always invited us round for meals etc and generally been more involved in our lives than PIL. I think it's very common for maternal grandparents to be closer to their grandchildren than paternal grandparents... But I can imagine this could be tough on paternal grandparents too.

@Kite22

They DONT want to buy/borrow a cot or a highchair, I think it’s clear who the difficult ones in this family are!
Like most people, I've managed to raise my dc without either my parents or parents in law equipping their houses like a Nursery. It isn't 'being difficult', it is perfectly normal, and your expectations are the unusual thing here.

that’s a ridiculous comment, I haven’t asked them to ‘equip’ their house like a nursery - but if they want to have him for a day I don’t know how else to get around the travel cot issue - they haven’t accepted second hand ones and won’t buy one (we don’t have the money to purchase 3, 1 for my parents (who went out and got their own), 1 for his and1 for our house - after all you feel it should be fair then we have to buy one for my parents too. I could understand if I had asked them to have my son to HELP me out.. but I haven’t done that! I have never ever expected any set of grandparents to look after my son. MIL is upset because she has not been asked to look after him, yet she has openly told my partner she doesn’t ‘like’ busses and I’ve mentioned many times I have a 2 hour window in which to get my son ready to see them before needing to go to work (because MIL won’t bus it to my house) funny thing is that if she would be happy to get the bus she could spend more time with him but that’s not an option.

@Alitlebitsleepy

It sounds like your balance is just like the set up we have. My mum sees my dd more than my MIL. I will be working some afternoons soon and she'll be looking after her. So far this hasn't been an issue with MIL. We do include PIL as much as we can on weekends etc but just like you, my parents have always invited us round for meals etc and generally been more involved in our lives than PIL. I think it's very common for maternal grandparents to be closer to their grandchildren than paternal grandparents... But I can imagine this could be tough on paternal grandparents too.

To me it’s quite normal - to most of my female friends this is also how things work.

We try abs include them as much as possible whilst trying to balance things like housework and time together as a family of 3.

Some people like to moan for the sake of it and won't make changes that will allow things to change. I've seen ILs on here moan that they don't see their grandchild when they see the grandchild more than the other grandparents.

I think that inviting them out at weekends like you do right now is all you can do.

Well you wouldn't need to buy 3 cots as you've said they bought you one, presumably your mum bought a travel cot so that brings it down to buying one travel cot. Have a look at Lidl or Aldi when they do a baby special week, they do them very cheaply.

I've look after my GC and never had a highchair for them, it wasn't an issue. The thing I think is essential is a stairgate but maybe that's me.

Can't your son sleep in his buggy? My kids used to when we were out and about and so did my GC.

How often to do you see them, in the first post you said you try to see them at weekends but you haven't said how often you actually manage to.

How old are they? Are they retired? If MIL can't drive why can't FIL drop her over, a 10 minute drive is nothing.

It all seems very complicated. If you don't like them and don't want to see them then don't. Your husband could take the baby over to see them while you say you are doing housework at weekends.

@Kite22

You really haven't helped yourself with your title question and your opening post.

From them, I agree with the first poster who responded.

Thing being of course, you've dripped more and more little bits in to make yourself look less bad as you've gone through the thread. With all the extra information, your MiL isn't helping herself, no, but, of course there should be a starting point of all Grandparents having an equal relationship with their Grandchildren.

For full disclosure, I have 3 adult dc and no dgc yet, but I have both sexes of dc and I currently get on very well with all their partners. If and when the time comes then yes, I would naturally assume my DiL would go to her own Mum more readily for advice and even a moan, but I would expect similar amount of opportunities to see any future dgc. I would, of course expect my ds to facilitate that.

I don't understand comments like this. OP doesn't seem to have prevented MIL seeing the little one at any point but MIL doesn't seem to have made any effort. MIL is welcome but doesn't seem to be wanting to do anything. I think she's just complaining for the sake of complaining. Personally, my mum made all the noises about being a hands on grandparent, but as it's come to it she hasn't really bothered at all really which is rather sad. I'm sure she complained about it but she didn't seem to want to rectify it.

How does she know when he sees her? Don't tell her

I don't drive. When my first GC was born he had to be transferred to a hospital 50 miles away. I re-arranged my hours at work, so I could stay on the days his DF was at work. So 2 buses and a train each way. DD's Mil flew in from another country.
Your Mil can't even be arsed to get a bus or taxi.
So I'm team Moonstonemummy

Are you a MIL by any chance?!….

Your mum is a MIL.

And your PILS aren’t ‘The PILS’ they’re your PILS and his parents.

@ancientgran

Well you wouldn't need to buy 3 cots as you've said they bought you one, presumably your mum bought a travel cot so that brings it down to buying one travel cot. Have a look at Lidl or Aldi when they do a baby special week, they do them very cheaply.

I've look after my GC and never had a highchair for them, it wasn't an issue. The thing I think is essential is a stairgate but maybe that's me.

Can't your son sleep in his buggy? My kids used to when we were out and about and so did my GC.

How often to do you see them, in the first post you said you try to see them at weekends but you haven't said how often you actually manage to.

How old are they? Are they retired? If MIL can't drive why can't FIL drop her over, a 10 minute drive is nothing.

It all seems very complicated. If you don't like them and don't want to see them then don't. Your husband could take the baby over to see them while you say you are doing housework at weekends.

@ancientgran with me being on maternity leave we could t have afforded a travel cot - MIL & FIL live very comfortably and a cheap cot from Aldi as you say, doesn’t cost too much. As explained further in this thread, they’ve been given second hand items and not been happy with them.

We have seen them twice this week, we try to see them every weekend but it doesn’t always work out that way if we have other commitments.

Understandable if you couldn't afford a travel cot but the fact remains that you talking about having to buy 3 cots wasn't really relevant was it as there was never any question of you buying 3 cots.

I think it just muddies the water when you throw in something that is clearly not relevant.