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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 31/10/2021 10:23

I'd say yes, a bit OTT assuming your DP is a capable sensible adult.

I left my DS with my DP from day one. I don't see the issue?

toomuchfaster · 31/10/2021 10:24

Are you breastfeeding?

purplemunkey · 31/10/2021 10:26

Yes, probably. I know what you mean though, I felt the same. I don't think I was away from my baby til about 15weeks. People talk about the 'fourth trimester' where a baby is still learning it's now separate from it's mum for the first 12 weeks or so, so being apart can feel odd. Are you breastfeeding? That could make it tricky too.

But generally, I think it's a good thing that your DP wants to take baby out on his own. You should both be confident on being alone with baby.

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ShowMeTheSugar · 31/10/2021 10:27

On the flip side, how would you feel if your DP said they weren't happy with you taking his child anywhere without him?

Its natural to be protective, but unless you have any concerns about his parenting abilities, or there's some dripfeed where your baby is EBF and he wants to taking him overnights without you etc, it does sound a little OTT.

BenJackinoff · 31/10/2021 10:27

If you’re not breastfeeding why shouldn’t he be able to take him out? The baby is 50% his.

Katyppp · 31/10/2021 10:27

I don't think it's your call to 'allow' him to do anything, tbh.
Presumably you expect him to take 50-50 care of night feeds (if poss) , nappy changing and providing for the baby?
Or are you the kind of new mum that prefers to be a martyr and not let him anywhere near them complain you are exhausted and get no help?

Moonshine11 · 31/10/2021 10:28

I understand where your coming from, but honestly take this time to have a nice bath, sleep.

Dollywilde · 31/10/2021 10:29

You’re being a bit OTT. I totally get that the hormones are real and I bfed so I know baby can’t be apart for long, but DP getting into the habit of looking after baby solo is an important one. I know and you know us mums are winging it but the dads don’t even have the faintest instinct. If you keep stopping him from parenting solo his confidence isn’t going to develop (which won’t help you when youre happy to have some baby free time and he’s too nervous to take baby out!)

I know it’s super hard but he’s baby’s equal parent, he needs to learn and this is how he will.

LlamaofDrama · 31/10/2021 10:29

Congratulations on your baby!

Your feelings are your feelings and you are absolutely entitled to feel them . However, same goes for your husband. It sounds as though you need to make time (not easy!) to sit down and talk to him about it. Can you find a compromise somewhere? It sounds as though he really wants to be able to form a relationship with his child without you inputting, just the same as you have been able to do.

It does feel to me as though you are saying that your feelings are more valid than his, and that might be very hurtful and somewhat unfair to your DP? I know it's the fourth trimester, and your baby is still tiny and still needs you, but if he's with his other parent, who also loves him and looks after him, would it be damaging him to let your DP have time alone with him sometimes. Not hours and hours, just shorter periods?

BlameItOnTheBlackStar · 31/10/2021 10:30

I think it's a brilliant and positive thing that your husband and child will establish their own relationship and routines. I mean look at the hundreds of threads on here about husbands who prefer their phones to their kids.

You won't get a medal in a years time for exhausting yourself, take the time for yourself, have a nap, read a book, go for lunch or a coffee.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 31/10/2021 10:32

He's giving you a break.

Take it.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/10/2021 10:33

Yes you are.
It's the "hovering about" bit that jumps out at me.
Do you? When he's in the house interacting with his baby are you right there telling him what he should be doing, wanting to take over?

4 weeks is young yes, but he is the father and every bit as capable as you. This is how you end up with a partner who doesn't do anything with his child.

Whereismylatte · 31/10/2021 10:33

I don't think you are ott- I wanted my baby with me. The newborn stage is a whirlwind of sleep deprivation and hormones (oxytocin etc). You just had a baby that you carried everywhere for 9 months 24/7....if you aren't ready to be apart yet that's fine! There's plenty of time ahead.

In practical terms you could try all going out together and then he takes the baby for a 5 min walk while you get a coffee, if that's what you want.

Nellesbelles · 31/10/2021 10:33

I understand how you feel, I felt similarly but it might be a good chance for you to have a few hours to yourself. I think sometimes it is a lot of pressure for Dads if they feel 'watched'. I was guilty of this and my DH told me I needed to just leave him to it sometimes (which I noted and he did really well with DD on his own).

YukoandHiro · 31/10/2021 10:34

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine

CrazyOldBagLady · 31/10/2021 10:34

I'm going to go against the grain. Newborn babies want their mums and your instinct is to keep him close. It would be upsetting to you both to separate you at this point and only beneficial to your husband.

Your baby is a tiny person and his feelings and best interests matter too. We didn't evolve to want to keep our babies close to us for no reason.

Is there a reason you can't both take a visit to his brothers or have them at yours?

GoodGrief100 · 31/10/2021 10:35

He should absolutely be given the chance to bond with his baby alone. If you're breastfeeding, I can understand you not wanting to be away from him for too long bit if you're 'hovering all the time' you need to give him space to be with baby alone too (assuming he's sensible given you've said your 100% happy with him parenting).

Kite22 · 31/10/2021 10:36

Yes.
If your baby isn't being exclusively breast fed, or the time he will be outwill only be between feed, then there is no reason his Dad can't take him somewhere.
I totally get that he wants to know he can look after his own child for a short while on his own, without someone else looking over his shoulder.
How lovely for a new Mum to be able to have a sleep or a bath in peace for an hour or two.

spangleswereace · 31/10/2021 10:38

Some folk are being a little harsh I think!
I totally get it and was exactly the same, you've carried this little one for almost ten months so it's natural to feel anxious about being apart even if you're partner is amazing with the wee one!
Don't beat yourself up about it but take your time and do it when you're ready.
Good idea to maybe go a walk and you pop in somewhere for a quiet cuppa whilst your partner continues the walk.
And congratulations!

Seeline · 31/10/2021 10:39

Do you live with your partner?
Are you breast feeding?
How long a visit is being proposed?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 10:40

Four weeks post partum people!!
No of course you aren't being ridiculous to feel uncomfortable about being separated for more than a short period from your infant. He should be able to take him out for a walk, or to the shops etc but wanting to take him for several hours is unkind and unnecessary at this point.
However do you let him look after him without hovering? You must let him develop his own relationship with the baby too.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/10/2021 10:42

I think it's natural to want to be with your baby at only four weeks. It's instinctive and I think it's better for the baby personally. It's not going to be long before he's a little bit older and more ready, your DP can take him then. Don't be pressurised.

Starcaller · 31/10/2021 10:43

I don't think it's necessarily UR not to want him to take baby out somewhere solo, but he does need time on his own in the house without you around.

I used to put earplugs in and white noise on and go for a sleep while DH had DD from newborn. He learned quickly how to settle and look after her without me swooping in, and I got some good sleep! I have no idea what happened in those 2-3 hours but all survived to tell the tale Grin I left DH with some expressed milk, but if you're formula feeding then it's even easier.

Thesearmsofmine · 31/10/2021 10:43

It’s totally normal to not want to be separated from your tiny baby. Your DH can absolutely bond and parent the baby, he doesn’t need to take him out to do this. It was months before mine went out without me, is my DH a competent parent? Absolutely, but he was also able to understand that it was normal for a mum to want to be near her baby.

Lazypuppy · 31/10/2021 10:44

You are being a bit OTT, he is the baby's dad. Do you ask his permission to take the baby somewhere without him?

I think its great he wants to do take baby on his own, i would want to encourage it as should mean it will continue as baby gets older, if you don't let baby away from you, don't be suprised when he stops asking and you become default parent, and there are 100's ofposts on here of women moaning their partners don't fo anything with the babies.

I would just set a short time limit, say 2 hours or something and see how you get ob

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