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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 31/10/2021 12:11

Listen to your instincts - at the minute you don't feel up to being apart from the baby so just stick to your guns. There is plenty of time for dp to have the baby without you when he's a bit older. For now he's just been born and the both of you being close is good for bonding.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:11

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
And in this particular case the baby has not bonded with his father as his father is barely there. The father does not need alone time with the baby to bond. In fact the bond will develop better if the baby feels secure and confident that his mother is nearby.

The DH is working...so he’s actually home far more hours than he is not. The baby is only 4 weeks old, there is plenty of opportunity still left for the DH to bond with the baby. The OP needs to leave her DH alone with baby for 1:1 time. I have to disagree with you, the father DOES need alone time to properly bond with the baby. If the OP hovers around, the baby will be aware of this and not bond with the DH.

On side note, I’m a bit perturbed about the woo comments regarding its “natural” and so on as it is merely faith in sexist stereotypes to keep women in their place with a baby in their arms 24/7.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:12

@TableFlowerss

**And in this particular case the baby has not bonded with his father as his father is barely there. The father does not need alone time with the baby to bond. In fact the bond will develop better if the baby feels secure and confident that his mother is nearby**

Spoken like someone from 1930.

No, spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development

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neededafart · 31/10/2021 12:13

Unlesss you are breast freezing I would take the opportunity to have a bath and a nap !

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 12:14

@Rainbowheart1 screaming hormones and the fact the baby doesn't know the dad from Adam yet. It's about the baby as well as mum.

Why on earth does he have to take baby away from it's anxious new mother to build a bond?

My (now ex, but for different reasons) partner worked away when DS was young. He wouldn't have dreamed of taking him out without me until I said I was comfortable. He has a wonderful bond with our now one year old.

What he's suggesting is very selfish - his needs over mum's (who carried the baby, does most the childcare and hard bits and whose body and mind are telling her to be near her tiny child) and also over the baby's.

He does not need to be apart from mum to develop his own bond with the child. Christ the empathy devoid MRAs are out in force on this thread.

Welshiefluff · 31/10/2021 12:14

I agree that he needs to build a relationship with the baby if he works away all week. Perhaps he takes baby away but video calls every hour for a short while.

ManicPixie · 31/10/2021 12:14

I’d have loved the break when mine was 4 weeks. Grass is always greener I guess.

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:16

A baby could attach to a dog if it feeds it, keeps it warm and gives it cuddles. What do you think men do who loose their wives through childbirth?

It’s stereotypical for it to be a woman, society has created this falsehood of women are needed to parent and men can just enjoy the good times when the kids older.

Open your eyes, a parent is a parent, your either good at it or your shit, regardless of your sex.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:16

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development

You understand it poorly then. Because you are peddling the same old sexist myths that have been repeatedly debunked.

Lovemusic33 · 31/10/2021 12:17

I would let him, there’s no reason why he can’t take him for a couple hours whilst you get some rest and some time to yourself. I think it’s good for the baby as they can become really clingy if they spend all there time with you, best to get them used to being away from you for a short time as early as possible, your dp is just as capable of being alone with the baby as you are?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:17

@Rainbowheart1

A baby could attach to a dog if it feeds it, keeps it warm and gives it cuddles. What do you think men do who loose their wives through childbirth?

It’s stereotypical for it to be a woman, society has created this falsehood of women are needed to parent and men can just enjoy the good times when the kids older.

Open your eyes, a parent is a parent, your either good at it or your shit, regardless of your sex.

Eh?? No a baby would not attach to a dog, a dog would not have the capacity to form a reciprocal attachment relationship with a human infant

The fact that the mother gestates and gives birth isn't a stereotype. Equal parenting is the goal of course but in the weeks post giving birth it benefits neither baby nor mother for long periods of separation.

BadNomad · 31/10/2021 12:19

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

You're missing the part where the OP said the dad has only been back to work for one week. That means for three weeks out of four he was there every day being the equal parent. With the OP and on his own. This is not some idiot Disney dad. He has already bonded and wants to spend time with his baby because it is his baby.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 31/10/2021 12:19

@Hottbutterscotch

It’s odd to me that anyone thinks you are odd. My baby is 4 months and she isn’t going anywhere without me. My husband wouldn’t dream of taking a four week old anywhere without me.

All this talk of having a break.. this should mean someone allowing you to go off and lay down with your baby whilst they tidy up or whatever. It doesn’t mean separating mother & newborn. Doesn’t matter if baby is breast or bottle fed either.

I agree, unless the mum wants a complete break.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:20

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@CloseYourEyesAndSee
spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development

You understand it poorly then. Because you are peddling the same old sexist myths that have been repeatedly debunked.[/quote]
I really don't.
The baby forms an attachment to the mother in utero. They are primed to bond with their mother. The father or other parent needs to develop that bond through caring for the baby and spending time.
If you are introducing a new attachment figure who the baby has not yet bonded with, you need the existing attachment figure to be present for much of the time. Taking the baby away from the main attachment figure for long periods will just cause distress to the baby and will not promote bonding on either side.
This is very widely accepted theory. It underpins adoption transitions for example.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2021 12:20

YANBU unless his brother is a few minutes a way and your dp can go for a short while and come home. At this age, dh would take dd out for a walk in the pram and she often went to sleep. I did ebf so it was never for very long and I wouldn’t have wanted it to be either.

As others have said, this is 4th trimester and you are the primary caregiver. We experience time in relation to the amount of time we’ve been on earth so every 5 days he is away is over a decade for your baby. This will change. Your baby will grow. And you’ll find it easier as time goes on. In the meantime, his brother can come to you.

LowlandLucky · 31/10/2021 12:20

You are both parents of this baby. Explain how you feel and agree a small amount of time for the first outings, maybe to the shop or a walk around the park. But you really need to let this Father be a Father. Make the most of the time to sit and chill.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:20

No, spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development

Evidently not, if you genuinely believe it will be detrimental to the child’s development if dad takes them out for 1 hour……

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:21

I obviously didn’t explain that well, a dog was probably the wrong thing to say, I’ll change that too you can hand a new born to a stranger, who didn’t carry the baby or give birth to it and it would still form an attachment to the person giving them food, warmth and care. The baby isn’t born knowing what human is it’s mother and automatically bonds instantly

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:21

@TableFlowerss

*No, spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development*

Evidently not, if you genuinely believe it will be detrimental to the child’s development if dad takes them out for 1 hour……

I didn't say that, in fact I said that it would be fine for him to take the baby out for short periods which an hour is. I said it would not be beneficial to take the baby away from mum for longer periods, which is what the father is proposing.
PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:22

What he's suggesting is very selfish - his needs over mum's (who carried the baby, does most the childcare and hard bits and whose body and mind are telling her to be near her tiny child) and also over the baby's.

Completely disagree. It’s not selfish to want to coparent a newborn, it’s the opposite of selfish. And it is to the mothers benefit to be able to not be on call 24/7 constantly attached to her newborn. She gets a chance to do basic self care and reclaim her identity as a separate human. There is clear correlation between PND and Post Partum Psychosis due to women being overwhelmed or ground down by being only carer for a baby 24/7 for months. It also benefits the baby to learn to bond with two primary carers as that eases separation anxiety when they get to nursery age.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:22

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@CloseYourEyesAndSee
spoken like someone who understands attachment and child development

You understand it poorly then. Because you are peddling the same old sexist myths that have been repeatedly debunked.[/quote]
Totally agree. Attachment 1930’s style 😂

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:22

@Rainbowheart1

I obviously didn’t explain that well, a dog was probably the wrong thing to say, I’ll change that too you can hand a new born to a stranger, who didn’t carry the baby or give birth to it and it would still form an attachment to the person giving them food, warmth and care. The baby isn’t born knowing what human is it’s mother and automatically bonds instantly
Yes they are! Prenatal attachment is very significant. Babies are born knowing who their mothers are and the attachment relationship is primed to develop from that.
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:23

@Rainbowheart1

A baby could attach to a dog if it feeds it, keeps it warm and gives it cuddles. What do you think men do who loose their wives through childbirth?

It’s stereotypical for it to be a woman, society has created this falsehood of women are needed to parent and men can just enjoy the good times when the kids older.

Open your eyes, a parent is a parent, your either good at it or your shit, regardless of your sex.

Another great post.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:23

Totally agree. Attachment 1930’s style 😂

This is what happens when people read posts through the lens of their own experiences and prejudices. You haven't read what I have written properly at all.

AnkleDeep · 31/10/2021 12:23

Let him take his child out without you. Let them have their own bond.

Just for a short walk the first time then let it build up to longer.

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