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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/10/2021 11:56

I think you need to relax and allow him to be a dad. He must feel very much on the periphery if he’s working away Mon-Fri. Can he change that?

Soontobe60 · 31/10/2021 11:56

@YukoandHiro

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine
The baby’s fathers job is to be a parent to his baby!
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:58

@Hapoydayz

Table flowers - I think any decent man wouldn't be pushing its their right and their baby at 4 weeks unless they were trying to hurt the mother or had some other agenda. 4 weeks is hardly the time to be banging on about what a man wants. Decent men would be emotionally supporting the mum at this stage
Any descent mother would appreciate that whilst she might not want to let dad and navy have an hour together, it’s important for the baby and dad to bond….

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TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:58

Baby

SickAndTiredAgain · 31/10/2021 11:58

How far away does the brother live? If he lives a 5 min walk away, and your partner could go for half an hour and come back, then yes I think you’re being a little unreasonable.
If he lives a half an hour drive away and your partner is suggesting going to a whole afternoon, then no, I don’t think you are.

PizzaCrust · 31/10/2021 11:59

I’m split on this. I can understand why you wouldn’t want him to, but I can also understand why he would want to.

I’m presuming you’re on maternity leave and he’s back at work? Maybe he wants time alone with the baby like you have during the day? He’s also going to a family member’s which would reassure me as well, as there would be someone there to help if it did get chaotic. Rather than him out entirely on his own.

I think you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation and compromise. Ie he takes baby out alone but only for an hour at first. Or you go out and let him have time with baby alone in the house which will help you both adjust.

Just saying no will make him feel like you don’t trust him, and that will be very damaging for your relationship. Similarly, he can’t just overrule your feelings and do want he wants. Compromise and consideration is key.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:00

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….

Grin wonder if you are a chauvinist man or just a handmaiden?

I just think a baby has a right to bond with both parents.
KurtWildeWitchOfTheWoods · 31/10/2021 12:01

@SuperstoreFan

I think you're being OTT.

Your DP is a parent too and the baby isn't just yours.

This. I'm a bit confused as to why he has to ask permission to do something with his own baby? I'm assuming while your DP is at work you take baby places without him?
gluteustothemaximus · 31/10/2021 12:01

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….

And we all know how hard it is to make sperm.

Your baby is 4 weeks old OP. The other parent is not there 5/7 days.

There is a reason you feel uncomfortable with this, and it's because it's natural.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of taking any of our children out without me at 4 weeks old, because he knows me and knows I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that.

To tell you, you are being OTT, after you gave birth 4 weeks ago....

Trust your gut OP, if it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

And congratulations on your new baby Flowers

BadNomad · 31/10/2021 12:01

I suppose he's thinking about how much "alone time" you'll get with the baby (because he's not there) and thinks he wants that too to bond. It is nice to hear for once about a dad actually wanting to spend time with his baby. But he can't understand what it's like to be a mother. It is different.

SirGawain · 31/10/2021 12:02

Shock horror!! Man wants to parent his child. People on Mumsnet are constantly posting that their partners don't do this. You can't win.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:03

@BadNomad

I suppose he's thinking about how much "alone time" you'll get with the baby (because he's not there) and thinks he wants that too to bond. It is nice to hear for once about a dad actually wanting to spend time with his baby. But he can't understand what it's like to be a mother. It is different.
He doesn't need 'alone time' to bond. OP has 'alone time' because he leaves her alone 5 days a week. No shade, but it's not as if it's a great treat for her to parent a newborn alone most of the time.
roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 12:04

@BenJackinoff

If you’re not breastfeeding why shouldn’t he be able to take him out? The baby is 50% his.
Not the point at all. It's not about ownership!

Baby is still in fourth trimester and your hormones and instincts exist for a reason. It's completely reasonable to not want to be away from your baby yet.

I think I felt ok with baby being away from me for anything more than a few minutes around 3 months. Why does your partner need to go without you?

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 12:04

the baby doesn't actually care about it's dad at this point in time. It cares about its mom, being fed, secure and having her close

I disagree with this. From birth, the baby bonds with whoever is caring for them on a regular 1:1 basis. They really don’t care if it is mother, father or whoever.

From day 1 my DH had hours of 1:1 time with our DC day and night. Without me hovering over him. I breastfed, so I’d feed the baby and then hand off to DH who would do the burping, inevitable nappy change and the waking/rocking/settling to sleep while I’d go shower or go back to sleep or start cooking or go for a walk or watch a show....

We always believe start as you mean to go on. Those early weeks are vital for both mother and father to bond with infants so that both are interchangeable sources of comfort when they are older.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:04

@SirGawain

Shock horror!! Man wants to parent his child. People on Mumsnet are constantly posting that their partners don't do this. You can't win.
Insisting on taking a newborn away from mum because of some kind of jealousy that she spend more time with him or whatever it is is not good parenting. It's not acting in the baby's interests. There is no reason for him to do this to parent his son or develop a relationship with him.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:06

@PlanDeRaccordement

the baby doesn't actually care about it's dad at this point in time. It cares about its mom, being fed, secure and having her close

I disagree with this. From birth, the baby bonds with whoever is caring for them on a regular 1:1 basis. They really don’t care if it is mother, father or whoever.

From day 1 my DH had hours of 1:1 time with our DC day and night. Without me hovering over him. I breastfed, so I’d feed the baby and then hand off to DH who would do the burping, inevitable nappy change and the waking/rocking/settling to sleep while I’d go shower or go back to sleep or start cooking or go for a walk or watch a show....

We always believe start as you mean to go on. Those early weeks are vital for both mother and father to bond with infants so that both are interchangeable sources of comfort when they are older.

And in this particular case the baby has not bonded with his father as his father is barely there. The father does not need alone time with the baby to bond. In fact the bond will develop better if the baby feels secure and confident that his mother is nearby.
TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:06

@gluteustothemaximus

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….

And we all know how hard it is to make sperm.

Your baby is 4 weeks old OP. The other parent is not there 5/7 days.

There is a reason you feel uncomfortable with this, and it's because it's natural.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of taking any of our children out without me at 4 weeks old, because he knows me and knows I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that.

To tell you, you are being OTT, after you gave birth 4 weeks ago....

Trust your gut OP, if it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

And congratulations on your new baby Flowers

And we all know how hard it is to make sperm

Makes no sense….

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 12:06

@CloseYourEyesAndSee has it on this one, agree with everything you're saying

NCForthisxox · 31/10/2021 12:07

Is is your first born? I understand how you feel OP but I think it's great, it's just a few hours and he's establishing a bond with the baby.

Chakraleaf · 31/10/2021 12:07

It's good for them to be on own. It builds confidence

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:08

@NCForthisxox

Is is your first born? I understand how you feel OP but I think it's great, it's just a few hours and he's establishing a bond with the baby.
He can establish a bond without taking the baby away from mum for long periods
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 12:08

@Chakraleaf

It's good for them to be on own. It builds confidence
Good for who?
Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 12:09

No I’m not a man, what difference does that make, I’m still a parent?
Unless you think women parents automatically out rank every man on the planet, even if they are shit mothers, due to the fact they are a woman?

Sportsnight · 31/10/2021 12:10

My two were breastfed, and the first time the oldest went out without me was at 3 days old - a walk around the park with her dad and gran, and a coffee in a cafe for the grown ups while she slept in the pram. I think that’s normal, and the idea of never being separated ever is a bit intense and perhaps not totally healthy. I wouldn’t have wanted them to do a day trip (and they were a bit time limited between feeds) but an hour or two - absolutely normal, and fine. I slept the whole time they were out anyway!

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 12:10

And in this particular case the baby has not bonded with his father as his father is barely there.
The father does not need alone time with the baby to bond. In fact the bond will develop better if the baby feels secure and confident that his mother is nearby

Spoken like someone from 1930.

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