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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 31/10/2021 11:41

@CrazyOldBagLady

I'm going to go against the grain. Newborn babies want their mums and your instinct is to keep him close. It would be upsetting to you both to separate you at this point and only beneficial to your husband.

Your baby is a tiny person and his feelings and best interests matter too. We didn't evolve to want to keep our babies close to us for no reason.

Is there a reason you can't both take a visit to his brothers or have them at yours?

I agree. Tiny babies want to be with their mother, and mothers want to be close to their newborns. If everyone is happy then fine, grandparents or partners can take the baby out for a little walk to give the mother time to rest, but it isn’t unreasonable to not want to be separated from a very small baby.
DandyHighwayWoman · 31/10/2021 11:43

@spangleswereace

Some folk are being a little harsh I think! I totally get it and was exactly the same, you've carried this little one for almost ten months so it's natural to feel anxious about being apart even if you're partner is amazing with the wee one! Don't beat yourself up about it but take your time and do it when you're ready. Good idea to maybe go a walk and you pop in somewhere for a quiet cuppa whilst your partner continues the walk. And congratulations!
This

It’s a primal urge to be with your baby OP, fully understand.

LondonWolf · 31/10/2021 11:43

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be separated from your tiny 4 week old baby. Nothing. Please don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

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TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:43

What is this weird insistence that there is no difference between mother and father 4 weeks post partum

Again, the baby isn’t a possession that belongs to mum and dad can only be involved when she says so. That’s a bizzare response.

She might feel more emotional with hormones etc…but ultimately, whilst she might not want to let the baby spend alone time with dad, is that fair on the dad or the baby?

You can argue the toss all you want but one parents needs, wants wishes and desires shouldn’t trump the other ones.

If he wanted to spend a week away then fair enough, but he wants time to bond with his baby too.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:43

Also let's pay attention to the fact that the father is away 5/7 days so the baby doesn't really know him yet. It's awful of him to try to take the baby away from mum in some kind of power play as it seems.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 31/10/2021 11:44

Even smaller ways to start - go out together then leave your DP with the baby while you pop in to buy takeaway coffees or whatever. Pop to the shop for milk while DP is home with baby. Jumping straight to a while afternoon without you is too much for you at the moment. I do think it’s totally normal to feel like this but it does get easier as you leave them more and as they get older. 4weeks is tiny. You probably don’t absolutely have to leave your baby with anyone else until school starts but it’s reassuring to know you have people how can and will look after your child when you want or need to do something without them.

Grimbelina · 31/10/2021 11:44

It's not OTT, it is completely natural that you need to be near your very tiny baby. You need to follow your instincts here. Retire to have a rest while DP hosts his brother and has the baby, that is fine for now.

Twinmumwithtoddler · 31/10/2021 11:44

@rwalker

You need to bite the bullet and let him go out it's perfectly normal to feel like this but unfair to act on it .
Of course it is okay to want to be with your 4 week old! Please don’t listen to this OP.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:44

Again, the baby isn’t a possession that belongs to mum and dad can only be involved when she says so. That’s a bizzare response

Again, the father didn't gestate or give birth to the baby 4 weeks ago. I find your response bizarre.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:45

You need to bite the bullet and let him go out it's perfectly normal to feel like this but unfair to act on it

She definitely does not have to do this

Ilikecheeseontoast · 31/10/2021 11:45

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I wasn’t ready to be separated from any of my babies for about 6 months! My husband or mum used to take them out for a walk in the pram etc whilst I had a shower or a nap and it was actual torture being separated from them. It went against everything I felt was natural at this stage. My children are now older and so lots without me, have sleepovers at my parents house, go swimming with their dad, to school/Nursery etc. Take your time and follow your instincts. There is no rush to be separated and ignore people who tell you otherwise. It’s your baby and your partner should be supportive of your feelings in these early days. Sending hugs xx

Tailendofsummer · 31/10/2021 11:45

4 weeks - fine not to want to be apart.
But no sense of when you will be? You might not want him to take the lo out three months down the line? Three years? Getting the dad to have sole charge of their child (which feels very different to helping when the mum is around) will be vital for your future respite from being mum 24/7.

SunshineCake1 · 31/10/2021 11:48

While obviously the baby is his too it isn't the same for fathers. They haven't carried and birthed the baby. Mums can feel differently. You've done nothing wrong in not wanting to be away from your baby. Your dh could feed and bath the baby to have one to one time.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Again, the baby isn’t a possession that belongs to mum and dad can only be involved when she says so. That’s a bizzare response

Again, the father didn't gestate or give birth to the baby 4 weeks ago. I find your response bizarre.

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….
Hapoydayz · 31/10/2021 11:50

Table flowers - I think any decent man wouldn't be pushing its their right and their baby at 4 weeks unless they were trying to hurt the mother or had some other agenda. 4 weeks is hardly the time to be banging on about what a man wants. Decent men would be emotionally supporting the mum at this stage

snackess · 31/10/2021 11:51

I wouldn't want to be separated from my baby either.

DP has just started visiting more distant relatives (full day trips) with DS now - he's nearly 2!

He visited people closer for an hour here or there before but probably not before baby was around 6/7 months. Then he could offer food / milk in a cup.

I never had these arguments but DS was EBF so it wasn't really an issue. Even if I bottle fed I wouldn't have been up for much more than an hour or so for a pram walk whilst I showered and ate.

Could you compromise?

DeJaDont · 31/10/2021 11:51

I'm sorry but I wouldn't have allowed this. It's not a "break" when you don't want to be separated from your baby, it's torture. My first I really struggled and I allowed my mum to bully me into letting my baby go to stay with my cousin over night. I didn't want to but they told me hope much it would help me, how I could rest, have a break. It went against every instinct. It was the longest 18 hours of my life and 24 years on it still makes me feel sick that I allowed out to happen against my judgement.

So the people saying " the baby is 50% his etc " .... the baby doesn't actually care about it's dad at this point in time. It cares about its mom, being fed, secure and having her close. She has grown every cell of that baby until birth and her hormones are literally making her hyper bond to the baby to ensure its survival. It's not as easy as "just let him take the baby and enjoy it. It can be physically painful to be separated from your baby in the early days so it's absolutely NOT a favour to some women. It can be very traumatic.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:52

The baby wouldn’t exist without the dad. The baby is 50% dads….

Grin wonder if you are a chauvinist man or just a handmaiden?

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 11:53

4 weeks is a bit young, but I do think you need to stop hovering over him when he has the baby at home. Go have a long shower and take a nap. Or go for a walk by yourself. Do something where you are you again and not the mum.

He may be thinking the only way he will get to parent the baby by himself is by going out. The more you leave him to it with the baby at home, the more confident you will be in his parenting.

Do this for next 4 weeks, and then I think at 2 months, the baby will be old enough to be taken to his brothers house.

Rainbowheart1 · 31/10/2021 11:54

Your being OTT. Hell would freeze over before I needed to seek permission to take my own child out!

You obviously don’t trust him or think his capable.

snackess · 31/10/2021 11:55

When I say compromise I mean could you let him feed or bath him 'alone' while you sleep or have something hot to eat etc.

Or let him go out for a walk in the pram while you shower / take a bath.

Then it's not long but your husband gets to feel like he's had some 1:1

SuperstoreFan · 31/10/2021 11:55

I think you're being OTT.

Your DP is a parent too and the baby isn't just yours.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:55

@Rainbowheart1

Your being OTT. Hell would freeze over before I needed to seek permission to take my own child out!

You obviously don’t trust him or think his capable.

Are you a man?
PromisesMeanNothingSue · 31/10/2021 11:55

@Dollywilde

I’m not dismissing the fourth trimester point, but what I will say is I’ve seen lots of friends wind up in this scenario.

Mum and dad with baby
Baby fusses
Dad goes to settle baby
Baby doesn’t settle, gets more upset
Either dad hands baby to mum or mum offers to take over
Baby settles
Dad feels useless
Dad offers to look after baby solo
Mum reticent because dad can’t settle baby well
Dad doesn’t get opportunity to learn how to settle baby
Above scenario repeats
Dad feels increasingly useless
Dad stops asking to take baby out because lack of confidence
Mum feels like she’s doing everything (because she is)
Mum resents lack of help
Dad resents lack of relationship with baby

I agree that hours on end is too much but he needs to develop his own relationship with baby, learn baby’s ways, learn his own methods for settling etc, and IMO it’s even more important if he’s working away a lot.

Absolutely agree with this!
Hottbutterscotch · 31/10/2021 11:56

It’s odd to me that anyone thinks you are odd. My baby is 4 months and she isn’t going anywhere without me. My husband wouldn’t dream of taking a four week old anywhere without me.

All this talk of having a break.. this should mean someone allowing you to go off and lay down with your baby whilst they tidy up or whatever. It doesn’t mean separating mother & newborn. Doesn’t matter if baby is breast or bottle fed either.