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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
cuttlefishgame · 31/10/2021 10:45

Trust me, it won't be long before you are desperate for him to be taking the dc out for a while, so you can have a breather. He genuinely wants to be able to look after your baby, so take my advice, bite the bullet, and let him!

Even if you are bf, he could take the baby out for an hour or so, as long as it is timed between feeds there shouldn't be an issue.

TidyDancer · 31/10/2021 10:45

I can certainly understand how you feel and if this was anyone other than the baby's dad it would be totally reasonable to say no. I think I'd start with short walks and build up to longer. He does need to have his own relationship with the baby. The 'hovering around' comment does slightly concern me. Are you watching/criticising his parenting a lot? This may play a big part in his wanting to be alone with the baby if so.

LIZS · 31/10/2021 10:47

Unless you have any safeguarding concerns or it is far take the break, to snooze, take a bath, make a phone call uninterrupted.

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PanicStationsAhh · 31/10/2021 10:48

It's totally normal to feel this way. DP's job right now is to support you in any way that suits and if you want to stay with the baby that's fine

This. Really surprised by some of the previous responses. At 4 weeks there's no way I'd have been apart from my DC for a few hours. You're perfectly entitled to your feelings with such a tiny baby OP and DH should be supportive.

AnnaBegins · 31/10/2021 10:49

Totally normal feelings. The 4th trimester is about you as well as baby. You're literally programmed to not want to be separated from him! Maybe approach it as, DH I trust you completely but baby still feels like a piece of me and I love being with him, let's go together as a family unit.
Maybe he can take him for a half hour walk whilst you grab a nap, but a several hour visit is too long if you feel it's too long. That's OK.

Original poster
roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:51

Thanks all for the replies so far, it's really helpful to hear different opinions. Just to answer a few questions. Baby is formula fed, yes we live together but DP works away Monday - Friday (has only been back to work 1 week so far) so we only have the weekends together. So I am a lone parent during the week, then Friday and Saturday evenings DP will do the night feeds/changes, well this is how it's worked this first week anyway.

I don't feel like I hover around at all. I know how important it is for them to have their own bond and I encourage that. I am happy to leave them to it at home and get on with housework, have a bath etc so I'm not always there, I just feel a bit anxious about him going out somewhere and being away from the baby like that.

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 31/10/2021 10:57

This is how you end up in a few months, wondering why your partner doesn't bother spending time with your child. You're making him feel like he isn't good enough or safe enough to be with his baby .

I'd suggest that you stop with the anxiety and let him take DS out. You say he is great with your DS, a good dad, so what's the problem ?

Dollywilde · 31/10/2021 10:57

I’m not dismissing the fourth trimester point, but what I will say is I’ve seen lots of friends wind up in this scenario.

Mum and dad with baby
Baby fusses
Dad goes to settle baby
Baby doesn’t settle, gets more upset
Either dad hands baby to mum or mum offers to take over
Baby settles
Dad feels useless
Dad offers to look after baby solo
Mum reticent because dad can’t settle baby well
Dad doesn’t get opportunity to learn how to settle baby
Above scenario repeats
Dad feels increasingly useless
Dad stops asking to take baby out because lack of confidence
Mum feels like she’s doing everything (because she is)
Mum resents lack of help
Dad resents lack of relationship with baby

I agree that hours on end is too much but he needs to develop his own relationship with baby, learn baby’s ways, learn his own methods for settling etc, and IMO it’s even more important if he’s working away a lot.

canyoutoleratethis · 31/10/2021 10:58

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Four weeks post partum people!! No of course you aren't being ridiculous to feel uncomfortable about being separated for more than a short period from your infant. He should be able to take him out for a walk, or to the shops etc but wanting to take him for several hours is unkind and unnecessary at this point. However do you let him look after him without hovering? You must let him develop his own relationship with the baby too.
This!!

OP, you are such a new mum and you have such a tiny new baby, so do not be pressurised into letting your DP take the baby for any length of time. Maybe start slow, with the dad going on a short walk? Then build up from there? It sounds like you’re doing everything right with your DP having time and space to bond when he’s not working, so trips out of the house are maybe the next step. But only when you’re ready and slowly to start with. Have you all been out the house together? Maybe start there even, then you could come home a bit early, even 20 minutes maybe to start with? Whatever you decide make sure you are happy, because right now you are the one that counts here and you are the one who has control. Sending huge congratulations on your beautiful new baby, and hope you’re enjoying motherhood!! Flowers

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:00

As long as you don’t think it’s fine to take baby out alone with both him then…..

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:00

without

canyoutoleratethis · 31/10/2021 11:02

@starrynight21

This is how you end up in a few months, wondering why your partner doesn't bother spending time with your child. You're making him feel like he isn't good enough or safe enough to be with his baby .

I'd suggest that you stop with the anxiety and let him take DS out. You say he is great with your DS, a good dad, so what's the problem ?

Jesus… telling a new mum just 4-weeks after birth to “stop with the anxiety” is cold to say the least!! Where is the compassion?

I totally understand and agree entirely with the point about making sure dad isn’t excluded, but it’s still so early that mum’s needs trump that right now. Besides, from OP’s second post it sounds as if he’s getting plenty of hands on with baby

diddl · 31/10/2021 11:03

"This is how you end up in a few months, wondering why your partner doesn't bother spending time with your child."

If he's a good partner he'll listen to Op & respect that it's just 4wks since she gave birth & perhaps so soon after the birth, yes his brother can come to them at this time.

If he's a good father of course he'll continue to bother with his child in the future!

Not punish his baby for how his mum felt when he was 4wks old!

yikesanotherbooboo · 31/10/2021 11:03

I totally understand how you feel but I think your DP has feelings too and his are equally valid. You spend a lot of time alone with your baby and I think he is quite entitled to do the same when he gets the opportunity.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/10/2021 11:03

As long as you don’t think it’s fine to take baby out alone with both him then…..

At FOUR WEEKS old, mum and dad are not exact equivalents. Quite honestly I don't understand why this has to be pointed out. It's nothing to do with sexual equality, it's about biology. It's about both mother and baby being supported according to their needs. Of course it's important for DP to develop a good bond and be a hands on parent but that doesn't have to involve taking a newborn from his mother for hours at a time.
OP maybe start with an hour and work up from there?

MarshmallowSwede · 31/10/2021 11:05

Well it is also his baby. I do understand from your side OP, but you should also understand that your partner likely just wants one on one time with his baby.

Neither of you is wrong. Maybe you can find some compromise so he feels he is getting the bonding time and one on one time he feels he needs?

Congratulations on your new baby.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 11:07

You absolutely aren’t ott, my baby is 6 weeks nearly and I’m not ready to be separated from her, even for a short amount of time. You grew and carried that baby for 9 months, it’s absolutely normal to be anxious to be away from them!

MistyFrequencies · 31/10/2021 11:08

My god people, she's 4 WEEKS post partum. I didn't leave mine for any significant time until at least 8 weeks, it hasn't harmed their bond with their dad. Stop making a new mum feel bad about totally normal feelings.
OP you separate from your baby when you feel comfortable.

Undertheoldlindentree · 31/10/2021 11:08

I think if he's formula fed, it's less of an issue for the baby than you think. Good for him to get used to small breaks from you with his other main carer. Imagine you were ill for a few days, it would be much less stressful for all if your DH is used to caring for the baby on his own. But don't sit at home twiddling your thumbs. A quick coffee out with a friend or short walk/trip to garden centre/park etc will work wonders.

diddl · 31/10/2021 11:10

"He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time."

Unless you are following him around telling him what to do, why does he have to be elsewhere to parent?

ImUninsultable · 31/10/2021 11:10

Let him take his child out.

He actually doesnt need your permission. So by not allowing him, you are creating a dynamic where he needs to ask permission to do things with his own child. You're going to regret that in a year when you're back here meaning that he wont do anything without asking you about it.

It's his child. He is allowed to go out and have some baby and dad time. The fact that you're refusing to allow him makes me think his comment about you hovering over him is more accurate than you want to admit.

homealoneagain1 · 31/10/2021 11:18

I 100% understand this. I never wanted to be separated from my children and still don't. So I would try to manage this in a way that suits everyone. Can your brother come to you then you leave them to it? Go out to look round the shops etc for 30 mins? Or can you all go to the brothers and again you leave for a bit?

I would find it too stressful for him to travel somewhere then stay for a while then travel back without me.

politics4me · 31/10/2021 11:19

Seems OTT to me.
All three of you are now learning how to get along with each other. Together as a brand new group of 3 and as pairs, because whichever way you are in your pairs it is now different.
Because DP is away so much, baby will be slower remembering him. Please make allowances for that.

diddl · 31/10/2021 11:19

If he just wanted to go for a walk for half an hour for example would that be OK?

Gymohithoughtyousaidgin · 31/10/2021 11:21

@Whereismylatte

I don't think you are ott- I wanted my baby with me. The newborn stage is a whirlwind of sleep deprivation and hormones (oxytocin etc). You just had a baby that you carried everywhere for 9 months 24/7....if you aren't ready to be apart yet that's fine! There's plenty of time ahead.

In practical terms you could try all going out together and then he takes the baby for a 5 min walk while you get a coffee, if that's what you want.

This
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