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Original poster

DP wanting to take baby out without me

454 replies

roseroses · 31/10/2021 10:20

Baby is 4 weeks old. A few times DP has mentioned taking him out without me. Example today he wants to take him to his brothers, I suggested he calls in here instead but it's just caused a bit of a row. I am not ready to be separated from him and I have explained this to DP but he seems to think I'm being ott. It's not that I don't trust him, I do 100% and he's great with the baby but I just don't see why he seems to want to take him places without me so much, there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to. He says he wants to be able to parent him without me 'hovering around' all the time. He keeps asking how long before I will allow him to do this, I really can't give an answer to that. Am I being ott?

OP posts:
Babyiskickingmyribs · 31/10/2021 11:26

Start small OP. Are you comfortable with him taking baby for a 1/2 hour walk (you could have a peaceful bath or a nap) ? Or if you’re worry he will be gone linger than you’re comfortable with - you pop out alone to have a coffee or get your hair cut or something.

TravelLost · 31/10/2021 11:26

Maybe he needs to start building things up.

He isn’t there most of the week. He wants to be going to his brother so you are talking about been away for a whole afternoon (let’s be honest, it’s not going to be half an hour or an hour job).
He is also nut spending any time with you when he is already leaving you literally holding the baby on your own.

I think you need a discussion about much wider issues on how you are going to navigate this next part of you life.
Because you being in your own all working week and then being away with baby for a whole half day. When you will very likely end up doing housework/ leaning his work shirts and whatnot is going to be a big issue in the long run.

It’s lovely that he wants to spend time with his baby in his own.
It’s not lovely that he is pricing up the nice bits of parenting and running a household and leaving you with the rest.

femfemlicious · 31/10/2021 11:27

For me...this is why a lot men see children as the womans responsibility and see them doing any parenting as optional. You are making it seem like the baby is yours and he is optional.

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beautifullymad · 31/10/2021 11:27

I couldn't even bear someone else holding my babies in the first 8 weeks.
It made me feel ill inside. I expect it's a protective mechanism.

So having a baby taken out for an hour or two would have made me feel ill. Absolutely not worth the anxiety or stress.

But I was happy to take my babies to places if I was with them and we were able.

Thefaceofboe · 31/10/2021 11:30

So having a baby taken out for an hour or two would have made me feel ill. Absolutely not worth the anxiety or stress

I feel the same now. It’s a very personal thing though so I think asking on here is never going to get helpful responses.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:32

@Aspiringmatriarch

As long as you don’t think it’s fine to take baby out alone with both him then…..

At FOUR WEEKS old, mum and dad are not exact equivalents. Quite honestly I don't understand why this has to be pointed out. It's nothing to do with sexual equality, it's about biology. It's about both mother and baby being supported according to their needs. Of course it's important for DP to develop a good bond and be a hands on parent but that doesn't have to involve taking a newborn from his mother for hours at a time.
OP maybe start with an hour and work up from there?

Yes they are equals despite what people like to believe on here. We’re not in the 1940’s! The baby is 50% dads and wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for him.

They are not possessions, that eking to the mother 🙄

If she doesn’t feel happy about him going alone, that’s absolutely fair enough, they should go together.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:32

belong

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:32

@TableFlowerss

As long as you don’t think it’s fine to take baby out alone with both him then…..
What is this weird insistence that there is no difference between mother and father 4 weeks post partum?!
Twinmumwithtoddler · 31/10/2021 11:34

Read the first page of this thread and found it so odd that people are up for leaving a 4 week old baby. I mean great if you did but no Mums I know would have..

Also it’s not just a breastfeeding thing. Shock horror- feeding Mums have bonds with their baby too. I haven’t left my formula fed twins properly and they are 3 months old. DD it was several months and I was breastfeeding but would have felt the same either way.

It’s completely up to you Op. You carried your baby for 9 months, it’s so early and it’s fine to not want to be separated.

Hapoydayz · 31/10/2021 11:34

At that young it is really difficult. You have had the baby growing in you and giving birth and all the hormone changes. It's also the natural protective instinct. Then you have people that see that it's a man's right and 50% his with no thought to nature or your feelings. It is really hard and will cause anxiety for both you and your baby.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 11:34

@femfemlicious

For me...this is why a lot men see children as the womans responsibility and see them doing any parenting as optional. You are making it seem like the baby is yours and he is optional.
This absolutely!!
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:36

Yes they are equals despite what people like to believe on here. We’re not in the 1940’s! The baby is 50% dads and wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for him.

Yes but he didn't carry the baby and give birth to him 4 short weeks ago

Jesus wept

Parker231 · 31/10/2021 11:36

You’re equal parents so yes of course he can take the baby out without you. I assume you go out with the baby without him?
DH took DT’s out to our local deli every Sunday from the start so he could have a great breakfast and I had a lie in.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2021 11:36

I think you’re being a little ott, he is an equal parent and you need to let him bond with his child and that includes being able to take the baby out,

What is your issue,do you feel he is incapable? What’s causing your anxiety?

Twinmumwithtoddler · 31/10/2021 11:36

For me...this is why a lot men see children as the womans responsibility and see them doing any parenting as optional. You are making it seem like the baby is yours and he is optional.

Oh calm down, the baby is 4 weeks old!

LIZS · 31/10/2021 11:36

If you are uncomfortable could you go too and leave after a short period with baby.

FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 11:37

Are you welcome to go with him or has he asked to take the child out without you?

cuttlefishgame · 31/10/2021 11:37

The maternal instinct is a powerful force in all of nature (including us humans). So it is normal, natural (and totally understandable) to feel like this.

However... Grin unlike other animals we can give ourselves a talking-to, and try to control that instinct, so why not give it a go? Yes, you'll feel awful, but you will get used to it, and he will be a hands-on dad with a strong bond with his baby too.

Flapjak · 31/10/2021 11:37

No you arent being ridiculous. You have carried the baby for almost 10 months with all the physical emotional feelings that goes along with, it is oerfectly natural and a protective factor in terms of attatchment that you dont want to be apart from tbe baby. Is your partner doing night feeds and keen to do that type of bonding ?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 31/10/2021 11:38

@Bluntness100

I think you’re being a little ott, he is an equal parent and you need to let him bond with his child and that includes being able to take the baby out,

What is your issue,do you feel he is incapable? What’s causing your anxiety?

Presumably her issue is that until 28 days ago the baby lived inside her actual uterus

Anxiety over separation from newborn infants is a perfectly normal evolutionary impulse, even if the baby is with their other parent. It's nothing to do with feeling he is incapable.

Wagglerock · 31/10/2021 11:38

I felt the same way with my first and felt very anxious about him going out without me but DH is a good dad and more than capable so he'd take him out for hour long walks then after a few weeks would go to his parents with the baby once I was more comfortable. I'd get a decent break that way and look forward to my couple of child free hours every weekend.

CokeZeroAddiction · 31/10/2021 11:38

OP what you’re feeling is normal. I didn’t like anybody taking my baby anywhere without me either. Luckily I was breastfeeding so it didn’t really happen.

It wasn’t not trusting the people that had DC, but I got anxiety after having baby and I had all sorts of horrid thoughts of things like cars mounting the pavement and taking out the pram and knew that nobody else had such thoughts, ergo they wouldn’t be as vigilant as me. I know what I was feeling was crazy but I couldn’t help it.

It took me years to not be panicking the whole time my dH was out with dc without me.

Don’t be pushed into what you’re not ready for.

shivbo2014 · 31/10/2021 11:38

No way would my 4 week old be going anywhere without me in a million years. You've just had a baby it's totally natural not to want to be separated from them. People can come and visit the baby at your home.

rwalker · 31/10/2021 11:41

You need to bite the bullet and let him go out it's perfectly normal to feel like this but unfair to act on it .

Hoolahoophop · 31/10/2021 11:41

Have read that your DH is away Monday to Friday. So his relationship with the baby will be different to yours. Baby may well be uncomfortable being taken away from mum by a Dad they see three days a week. He is not a constant unfortunately and four weeks is young. Can't you juat go on these visits together until baby is a little older. Even if you take the chance of a walk, nap while dh shows off baby to him relations.

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