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MIL driving me insane re breastfeeding

181 replies

RLou3 · 18/10/2021 10:09

Please help! My MIL seems to be obsess with me stopping breastfeeding! I'm 4 months pp and EBF. She didn't BF any of hers (apparently tried but they were too hungry....) anyway - every-time I see her, she asks "how much longer you going to keep this up" referring to breastfeeding MY baby! Goes on about how it causes a child to become too needy on the mother and will end up that my child grabs at my b00bs or demands "b00b" I am
Becoming SO aggravated now! Why would she be so obsessed with me stopping!!! Why does she care!!!! I find it so strange that I find myself lost for words and i don't really say much back... but then get home and become so angry at myself for not having a good come back!!! All she is doing is encouraging me to keep going and going! My child will be 10 before I stop at this rate!!!!! Any ideas on why she is so obsessed?! Or how I can deal with this?! Thanks v much!!

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woodhill · 18/10/2021 17:48

I had this a bit with my in-laws

Don't let her manipulate you. It's your baby, breastfeed as long as you want

DownToTheSeaAgain · 18/10/2021 17:53

[quote Luckytattie]@DownToTheSeaAgain but why were they so determined to not have women breastfeed their babies?[/quote]
Mum thought because it made the ward much easier to manage for them. Babies on strict routine being bottle fed every four hours kept the nurses running things in control.

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 17:56

Ah that makes sense in a horrible way.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

MazIsWin22 · 18/10/2021 17:59

I think she wants you to stop so that she can hold/feed baby more and probably so she can have baby overnights etc. Don't give into it if your not ready, put your foot down and stand firm. MIL's are honestly just a different breed of strange

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 18/10/2021 18:01

@Brollywasntneededafterall

The op most certainly get to decide about overnights... Her dh doesn't get to put his dm's wants over his dw's feelings and the needs of their dc.... Dc don't need sleepovers with dgm..
They don't need them no. And it's completely the parents decision. But my DC love stopping at their grandparents (mine & DPs) and MY nans house overnight and they have done from an early age. They all get so much from it
Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 18/10/2021 18:05

I wasn't able to BF my babies due to medication I was taking so I missed all that hassle BUT what I did get from both DM and MIL was "he's still hungry make his feed thicker, add an extra scoop of milk, add a rusk!" One day I just snapped at both of them and reminded them I had had four babies and was a Registered Midwife so I knew what they were saying was wrong and incredibly dangerous! I am now a grandma myself and my DIL's are still being told this by my DM so we have had another little chat!!!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 18/10/2021 18:07

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

I wasn't able to BF my babies due to medication I was taking so I missed all that hassle BUT what I did get from both DM and MIL was "he's still hungry make his feed thicker, add an extra scoop of milk, add a rusk!" One day I just snapped at both of them and reminded them I had had four babies and was a Registered Midwife so I knew what they were saying was wrong and incredibly dangerous! I am now a grandma myself and my DIL's are still being told this by my DM so we have had another little chat!!!
I had the 'add a rusk' from my nan. Make the teat hole bigger with a darning needle (like I had one of those 😂) She was genuinely trying to help though. She didn't know the rules had all changed from the 50s/60s
MazIsWin22 · 18/10/2021 18:12

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

I wasn't able to BF my babies due to medication I was taking so I missed all that hassle BUT what I did get from both DM and MIL was "he's still hungry make his feed thicker, add an extra scoop of milk, add a rusk!" One day I just snapped at both of them and reminded them I had had four babies and was a Registered Midwife so I knew what they were saying was wrong and incredibly dangerous! I am now a grandma myself and my DIL's are still being told this by my DM so we have had another little chat!!!
Yes! I formula fed and got that aswell from MIL - add baby rice or rusks to their milk bottles, add an extra scoop, etc. They used to feed her up with infacol aswell even though she genuinely didn't need it - their excuse was "oh all our family have bad stomachs". Lol im not surprised haha. I think you get all the unwanted opinions regardless of what you do (formula/breastfeeding)
Cyw2018 · 18/10/2021 18:16

Quote the WHO guidelines to her, word for word, the same every time she asks, she'll soon get bored.

Big sigh "MIL the WHO and UNICEF recommend
exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of life and introduction of nutritionally-adequate and safe complementary (solid) foods at 6 months together with continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond." Big sigh and walk away!

CallmeHendricks · 18/10/2021 18:26

[quote Luckytattie]@Lockdownbear my mum was born 1960 and she didn't BF me or my brother who she had when she was 25 so 1985.
She said it wasn't the done thing at the time. Babies were taken in the trolleys to a different room, the new mums stayed in the ward for 5 days and got rest and food. Babies were fed formula and it didn't even sound like the mums did the feeding with the bottles![/quote]
My mother had 3 babies in between 1959 and 1963 and she breastfed all of us, as did all her friends at the time.
With me, the youngest, she went down with gastroenteritis when I was about 6 weeks old, and it was with great regret all round (her and the midwives) that she/I had to switch to bottles.
My sister's babies were born in the mid-late 80s and same thing. Breast-feeding was the absolute norm.

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 18/10/2021 18:40

"I wish your sone was as interested in my breasts as this".
My mum and mil both bf for far longer than was fashionable on the 70s, so mercifully I was spared this crap. Although fil used it as an excuse to open a eye full one to many times and I did tell him to back off (both mine fed untill primary age, cos why the heck not?)

ChrissyPlummer · 18/10/2021 18:40

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/parenting/mum-accused-neglect-leaving-five-21890325

Christ. This thread and the linked article make me feel glad I don’t have DC. The poor woman in the article called all sorts because she dared to have one night away from her baby. It honestly is the norm among a lot of the people I know and was brought up with that GPS had them from a young age. Mine couldn’t, as both were disabled but, barring that certainly GPs would look after DC overnight from being quite small babies.

I remember my DF being horrified that my SIL went on holiday when DN was about 3 months old. No idea why. DN obviously doesn’t remember and DB was/is perfectly capable of looking after his own child for two days.

BudgeSquare · 18/10/2021 19:48

[quote Luckytattie]@Lockdownbear my mum was born 1960 and she didn't BF me or my brother who she had when she was 25 so 1985.
She said it wasn't the done thing at the time. Babies were taken in the trolleys to a different room, the new mums stayed in the ward for 5 days and got rest and food. Babies were fed formula and it didn't even sound like the mums did the feeding with the bottles![/quote]
My siblings and I were all born in the first half of the 80s and we were all exclusively breastfed.

CallmeHendricks · 18/10/2021 20:39

It really wasn't "the done thing at the time." That may have been your mother's experience but it really wasn't across the board.
For many years there was the "breast is best" mantra, possibly when formula milk wasn't quite as nutritious and good as it is now. There was definitely a drive to breast feed if at all possible but those new mothers who couldn't, for whatever reason, found it quite intimidating.

Luckytattie · 18/10/2021 21:09

Oh yes, I mean my MIL was breastfeeding DH around the same time so I know it could even be regional or even down to the wards they were on maybe?I get the feeling my mum wasn't so keen to anyway

My gran deffo breastfed her and her 3 siblings though so it's strange mum was put off.

Lockdownbear · 19/10/2021 10:36

@CallmeHendricks

It really wasn't "the done thing at the time." That may have been your mother's experience but it really wasn't across the board. For many years there was the "breast is best" mantra, possibly when formula milk wasn't quite as nutritious and good as it is now. There was definitely a drive to breast feed if at all possible but those new mothers who couldn't, for whatever reason, found it quite intimidating.
There was definitely a time when mothers were encouraged to bottle feed. Look up National Dried Milk, baby milk produced to encourage bottle feeding, it was for economic reasons. Gave mothers freedom etc actually it was to encourage all young fit women to return to work, while the men were at war. The government ran nurseries to look after babies to enable women to work, which were later closed in the 50s. That had repercussions for the following generations. Women will naturally listen to and trust their mum.

The "breast is best" came later in the 80s and 90s when they were trying to do what's best for babies rather than the economy.

Except Breast feeding isn't easy, the middle and upper classes used night nurses for that reasonEnvy.
And so much knowledge is lost, nobody mentions that babies will cluster feed, nobody mentions they'll only go a couple of hours, nobody mentions hormones being highest in the night, all things that mums are left to find out the hard way.

There are also social demographics at play too, middle classes were more likely to breast feed as it was the done thing in their circles, working classes probably lost more knowledge and experiences.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/10/2021 10:47

Oh lord

I yawned and said god I’m so tired the other day at my mil house !

She said ohh well if your so tired then you should give her a bottle and stop being a martyr feeding her yourself 😳 it’s your own fault.

What the actual fuck.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 19/10/2021 10:52

Mil commented on how tired I looked and it must be bf... No pet it was your lazy arsed ds's refusal to lose a minute sleep by actually helping...
We had 3 dc close together and he slept soundly our entire relationship..

EdgeOfTheSky · 19/10/2021 11:03

You don’t have to be rude to be clear and direct.

Just say “I will feed my baby for the minimum advised by the WHO and for as long after that as suits us both. I don’t really have anything else to say about it so let’s change the subject “

Then when she starts up again, polite stuck record “as I said, I haven’t any more to say about it. Have you seen the latest episode of….”

Keep this up, and do not fuel it with any justification, facts, arguments or anything.

Much better to communicate clearly than build up all this frustration and resentment.

BaronessBomburst · 19/10/2021 11:08

There's an excellent book called The Politics of Breastfeeding by Gabrielle Palmer. It used to be mentioned a lot on MN. It covers all aspects of breastfeeding, from the biology, practicalities and experiences of women, it's history, wet nursing, and the social attitudes worldwide. The influence and interference of big business is shocking. The feminist issues around it are interesting too. Does formula feeding liberate women or does it help discriminate against those who choose to breastfeed?
I'd recommend it highly to anyone with so much as a vague interest.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 19/10/2021 11:18

Oh and my response was to literally laugh .. she doesn’t need an explanation

A simple as long as I want should suffice

Lockdownbear · 19/10/2021 11:35

@BaronessBomburst thanks. I might look that up. There has definitely been political reasons behind decisions in the past. And I wonder about the political motivation to encourage more BFing now. 🤔

And I say that as a mother who BF both my kids to about 18mths.

Petitpenguin · 19/10/2021 20:28

My mum did this to me. It's definitely a generational thing. My MIL is also overbearing, though less about BF. But she is desperate to have my baby to herself and I do find it creepy. She had 8 children so I do feel like she's a bit baby obsessed though.

CallmeHendricks · 20/10/2021 00:45

"It's definitely a generational thing."

Er, no it's not! FFS, what's with the ageism on here these days. The current cohort of mums didn't invent breastfeeding.
How old is your mum?

mrssunshinexxx · 20/10/2021 00:58

'Please stop commenting on my feeding choices for my baby' the end